it feels like,
life
is of 3 three things.
You get hurt,
and they walk away fine.
they get hurt,
and you walk away guilty.
or occasionally,
not common.
and rarely to ever happen,
you both,
walk away forcefully
knowing that you both have torn each other's heart
apart.
knowing that you truly want to be together,
but it's not worth It.
and now you both, are hurting.

every poem has a sheet
over it,
protecting life from its deeper meaning.
i will not do that,
I will let this world know what it does
to the people.
my friend took His
to save mine.
the world pushed me down
into a hole.
But my friend
pulled me out.
still I ran away,
toward the world.
everytime, He was there.
by my side.

You stress and worry about things becuase you care, and you're self-conscious, very insecure. But you shouldn't really be. You're funny and sweet and caring and loving and kind, and respectful in a way that I like. You're perfect. You bring me joy. Which is odd, because I don't know this. I've never felt this before. so, is there more?
And you're such a sweetheart, someone who's not a heartbreaker but a builder, a heart maker.

I speak of what I've learned,
but I tell no one of the journey,
the mistakes
to be where I am now.
I tell no one.
but I will tell you, this paper.
When I was a child
I repetitively watched my father
beat what looked as future me.
who I wanted to be.
my mother.
but as I grew older,
I realized that is the opposite of who I would become.
I watched my dad get drunk.
he put this label on himself
that my family couldn't bare.
something I couldn't understand.
achohlic.
But seeing myself now, not even an adult yet.
and still, I have before been consumed
by alcohol, and chosen toxicity over purity.
let someone lay hands on me
knowing that all my father has done
is teach me that I am no less than,
a princess.
yet he also taught me
that laying hands on someone you love is okay.
my mom taught me that staying silent is what
we're good at, told me that someday
shed be my hero. she never was.
she taught me that how to cope is to
move from 10 different guys in 10 days.
I have watched myself turn into the people I told myself
I'd never be.
but now this is me.
my dad is no longer addicted, nor is he abusive.
but the scars are still there.
and my mom is finally in a good relationship,
but because of all that I went through,
I will never let someone raise their tone with her.
and when people like to state "if you weren't hit, its okay."
but in reality, it will leave more bruises on you than those who were hit.
because still, my dad is somehow,
my hero.
and for that, I will never forgive myself.
I will never be the same.

Please do not become someone
that I have to see as a stranger.
please do not make me have to pretend
like you meant nothing to me,
because you did.
please don't let me be
a stranger
when I know you better than anyone else.
I know your laugh,
your smile, and how unsymmetrical
it really is.
don't make me
have to tell people that we are strangers
while you look at me,
knowing that with this mouth,
I used to declare
I love you.
don't be a stranger,
that I cannot even look
at.
don't be a stranger
that takes my breath away
when we bump into each other,
when I acce]idently tough your chest,
knowing what it looks likes underneath
don't make me,
a stranger.
when I can recognize
your voice
from across
the room.

I believe
That you can change.
Forget past
To make room for future.
Only way
To see forward
Is to stop looking
Behind.
I believe,
We all get a second chance.
Unwind
Unbind yourself.
And be you
This time.
Worry for you
No one else.
Stop trying to chase them.
Youre going backwards
On a forward-facing path.
Sont stop walking either,
And try to cut out
Woes and foes,
Becuase if you stand
In a dark pit, they will find you.
So use a few
Have common since,
And just keep going.
I know it hurts,
Walk it off.
If your fall
Stand up, dust off.
Keep going,
Because the rewards
Is worth some dirt,
I believe.
This path path
Is your best strategy.

there is no love as the love from the sea.
one that the sea has for this shore.
one that this shore has for the sea.
the sea rushes in, running towards
the shore, hoping for open arms
as the shore stares back.
the sea meets the shore.
and just as, the sea settles.
because that is what the shore does to it.
calms the sea after all the water
built up and heavy shells in
its huge wave
that the sea has been carrying all day.
the shore takes all of that away
and makes new, but only for a moment
before deepening back out into. but instead,
instead of the sea with a heavy wave,
the shore has dimmed it out into
a calm smooth-over.
and then another comes, not a big
but the shore is still open
with a full heart and smile.
that is their love.
the sea loves the shore even after all the waves all day,
the calm sea still rushes in for the shore.
and the shore is hoping it never stops, because after even
a day of the sea's heavy waves coming barreling in.
the shore still looks toward for
the calm night. that's is the
shores love for that sea.
and that, is their love.

Instead of looking at me
And seeing
How much success I made,
See how many times I had to fall
And get back up
Dust myself off
All alone.
How many things I had to go through
Before someone even noticed me.
How many times I sat there in the mud
That was once dirt,
As dry as a desert,
But turned into a swamp by my own tears.
Think about the journey i went through,
And the future I am trying to change.
And when I mess up, or pause on my path.
Think about
How I am still standing.
Think about that swamp, that is back into a Sahara.
About how many times i was alone on that trip,
With no one helping me with the wounds
From the knives
Thrown at my back.
How many times I cleaned the dirt off my body
By myself, and still managed to look good.
Still managed to look okay
And when i was fighting a demon that
My self-esteem made it.
I still managed to put a smile through that.
So don't see these little mistakes
That I might make,
Because they will happen.
But see that I am still here,
And I have fought
My own demons,
Cleaned my own wounds,
made my own mud, and dried it up,
To get where I am.
And I am not just standing
But I am walking.
I might be walking on nails,
But I will not bleed.
So when you think of me, see
the whole story.

We have nothing,
yet everything between us.
There's no tension.
no flirtatious acts.
no definition.
we have nothing,
yet everything between us.
your smile is the light of my day.
the compass of my well-being.
your touch, if only I could explain.
your name,
when I hear it called upon the crowd
I look for you. without even realizing,
I search for your face.
you stupid hat that means so much to you,
meaning it means the world to me.
your laugh, makes me laugh.
a shot of dopamine the brain gets
that gives
joy, you're my joy,
that doesn't wear off when the laughing stops.
because across the room,
across the crowd, across the group.
you smile back at me.
knowing we've done this before,
and we pick It back up as if it never dropped in the first place.
I search for your name.
but I don't know if you search for mine,
and that is what scares me.
so,
we have nothing,
yet everything between us.
you talk about the girl you have to me,
and I talk about guys.
but deep down, you are always there.
on the edge of my mind.
i miss your touch.
your dopamine.
its eating at me,
but whats killing me?
the fact that
I don't know if that is what you feel back.
How I wish I could tell you,
but If only I knew if you felt it back.
and even if you do, I know you.
you won't go for it.
but for you? hell, I'll still take friends with benefits.
because your touch is addicting, your smile makes me laugh.
which then makes you laugh, and the cycle continues.
'I love you' Is what I think, but I can't speak.
so keep my secret.
because, we have nothing,
yet everything between us at the same time.

Dear pennsilvania.
I miss you so,
so much.
like Juliet and Romio
we were so close.
and so much that I cannot
bare to say your name.
so I will only speak of you
as where you are from.
Dear pennsylvania,
I miss you,
because I didn't have to make you up in my head.
Dear ennsylvania.

Caught in a daze,
thinking of your lips
against mine.
caught in a maze,
and to your surprise
its about you.
you are the start
and the finish line.
the middle and the end.
the chocolate and vanilla swirl that everyone picks,
that I pick,
but I cant have.
so I ginore.
i ignore these feelings for you
like the stars ignore the sun.
hoping that it'll go away,
but it hasn't.
so I pretend is was never there.
but ill end up
thinking of it more and more.
each day you cloud my thoughts
but of course,
I ignore.

They're stupid, all of them.
I can't go a day and not hear someone say
Your hot
I hate that.
That sentence
That word
I'm not hot
I'm beautiful.
But Boys
They don't say that.
You're fine not gonna lie
That's all they say
Like a broken record
That repeats it
Without regret in their system.
I'm not fine
Im gorgeous
To the eye.
Not
Meet me on a saturday night
I'm worth more than that kind.

you are my vampire.
the blood that falls off,
drips from the slits on my wrist
or cuts on my thighs.
you cause them.
you drive your sharp teeth into me,
and level marks.
my heart with puncture wounds.
your vangs are the
nightmare
of my days.

i'll cut,
not one by two.
maybe even three.
ill cut so deep
not even the doctors
can reach.
and I promise not to.
ill promise ill stop.
but I've not,
its an addiction.
its like ****,
but mines a razor.
It's like ***,
but mines my skin.
ill promise I've quit.
but not even close.
this
is uncontrollable.
a need or pull towards me.
maybe a hobby,
like drawing but my canvas
my wrist.

there once was this girl,
she was as happy as can be.
she met the
in a class.
sixth period to be exact.
they sat by each other, knee to knee.
she saw him as just a friend,
but he saw her as more,
and gladly.
there once was this girl,
she fell in love with this guy.
who she didn't know at the time,
would be the cause of her suicide.
she felt her happiness
now drowned by her sadness.
there once was this girl,
she sat all sad and gloomy,
until she saw a rope.
waiting for her only.
now he tells the sorry of this loving girl,
who gave him everything for just a twirl.
there once was this girl,
she now smiles from above.
untangling the rope from her throat,
while watching him hang up the note, that she left
only for he.

She wakes up,
In a mood so great.
Starts her day.
And as it goes on,
It goes down.
The year that
Has gone so great,
Ending in a fate
She’d not expected.
She cries.
The hill
Goes down.
So does she.
Then theres another hill.
She stands up
Ready to strive again.
And again.
And again.
More hills come.
Falls.
This time
She doesnt want to get up anymore.
This wave hit sideway
And now shes sick of it.
The world slapped her and said
“Worthless”, “useless.”
She sleeps,
She wakes up.
She eats she sleeps.
Lays there,
For days
For weeks. Years go by.
She stands up.
This time to meet with a mirror,
And she hates it.
She wears a mask
To cover the mess
In the bed shes made
But it didnt go away.
And she acts okay,
And forgets about
This hole shes made.
She grabs her shovel,
She starts digging.
She keeps digging.
And one day
She trips.
Again.
She falls.
But doesn't let her mask fall off.
Shes too tough now for it.
Without letting a tear slip,
She crawls out of her hole.
When shes out,
The world kicks her back down.
And she fights,
But her pits grown deeper.
she's drowning in her fake faces.
She tries to fight
And she climbs
And crawls and claws
At the surface
Screaming to want out of her own
Deep pit of darkness.
She lets a tear slip.
Water comes,
her mask falls.
she's her again,
Broken and shattered to pieces.
A hand reaches,
To help her.
She stands up.
Staring down at her pit,
She turns around.
He is there.
He says,
“You've dug your hole, you've done your deed. Now it is time for me to work mine.”
After all this time, she smiles.
And she starts walking.

Unrequited.
that is my love for you.
one-sided.
single-minded.
you never listened
but I did.
I listened carefully to the beats of your
heart
when no one thought it existed.
I listened,
to the silence between us.
to the touches of your love,
no one else witnessed.
yet
it meant nothing. it was unrequited.
a fantasy, world of imagery,
I made up, with no one at fault but me.

the drugs you take are
waring off
onto me.
I get high
at the sight
of you.
your eyes stare into mine
and I realize
that  this devil
staring back,
is the reason I lack
words.
for he is stealing the breath from my lungs
with his tongue
and my angels
are let free by his demons,
and in his dark look, I am lost.
now my innocence is forever gone.

Its not real,
None of its real
I feel,
Delusional.
This flower
I sit staring,
I see it move,
But not on its own,
I see the wind blow.
The vines sway,
back and forth
through the rain.
This flower
Won’t go a day
Without shining,
It shines back at me
When I walk by.
I see it perk up,
It giggles and smiles at me
I see this flower slowly wilt.
I see the smile start to fade,
When others talk bad
About the seed of its past.
I make my way
Towards this flower,
Scared of what i’ll see.
Others see it as the mistakes made,
I see the joy it always caused me.
I dont want that to fade away,
It’s not real,
I wont let it be.
This flower,
I'm scared to see,
In a state
that scary.
I see the pain
It has
And the mourn it’ll give me.
This flower,
Is dying.
It’s not real
Is all
I let myself see.

sometimes i hope
he cries.
sometimes i hope
he dies.
but sometimes,
ill wonder if he misses me.
the way we spoke,
like the world was collasping
and our hearts
were attaching.
but now I sit here.
think of you.
thinking of this sourly
drawn world
which is still put together into one.
thinking of our hearts.
which aren't out together
with one another.
they're spread out,
wept out,
cried out,
but the tears of me.
tears of our souls.
today a masterpiece.
tomorrow a heartbreak.

You can’t see my sadness,
Because it’s held behind my
Gladness.
A sheet of glass
That plays pretend.
This all was once
A toddlers game,
Now hung out
in shame.
My heart drug out
Across the concrete.
Leaving shattered pieces
Behind me.
What exactly is this?
This reckless
Child’s game.

So let’s play pretend once again.

scissors are for paper?
That's a toddler's favor.
Mine is scissors, a razor.
and these lines, my scars.
on the paper, my arms.

there once was this boy.
he was the light of my day.
he called me names in good ways.
my love, babe, or even bae.
he made me feel safe,
held me and even said "I love you".
that meant a lot, and he said it often.
until one day he stopped.
i wondered why but never asked.
i slowly got more desperate for the love i'd never had.
There once was this boy.
he broke this girls heart,
time and time again. he would get bored
and come back for more.
but she believed in him, believed he would one day change.
he never did, he took control.
so she sulked in her pain.
there once was this boy.
he was responsible for her death,
for she wrote a note,
left for only him instead.
this said,
"I know you've let go, but I'm done waiting right her in this pain. so I'll wait in the heavens to join again. and I know I shouldn't, but I still believe in you, for I sw thee love no one could reach to."
as he read, tears trailed down his cheeks.
with snawty nose and all he finally realized,
he loved her.
as she, loved the.
she smiled from above
with the rope still around her throat.
there once was this boy,
he's now married with two kids.
they one day asked, "Dad where did you get this?"
he smiled at the note written from so.
that he saved,
to cherish the love
she always gave.

Eat Eat Eat,
that's what my friends say.
that's what they ask of me.
is to eat.
so that my belly won't growl
and I won't be hungry.
but the growl of my stomach
is a better feeling of relaxation
than the regret of eating,
and feeling like a pig.

Sometimes I want to write.
Sometimes I want to cry.
Sometimes, I want to take it cut by cut.
Slit by slit, of my wrist.
Except that's not all that I want.
But I think of it.
And I want to cry, because
I act tough
And smile.
I act happy
And outgoing.
But really, I want to cry.
Sometimes even die.
Because every little thing in my life
It feels as if a building lost its roof,
And feels weak.
Even if it still has its foundation.
But I will hold that in,
Because my beams are still standing.
Sometimes I don't know what to write,
But that is my blood shed onto paper.
And I know that if I think about these actions that
I dont want to put
into reality,
I will write.
Sometimes the finished product
Isn't always good,
But
‘Bad poems show true emotions’
Between the lines.
These are my true emotions.

What do I say?
Your stare,
And my voice a delay.
From eyes of the
To lips of those,
The shine in your eyes.
A doe,
Staring back at me.
Darts full of
No purity.
The soft innocence
Of this doe.
Is the devils glare,
Or evil.

i am at peace now.
when i once thought you'd never leave.
i step into this place
which was once my safe place,
interrupted by you.
but this time,
it is not an interruption.
for i am no longer searching your face
in a crowd
nor your name in a room.
I
am finally my safe place.
because i am no longer your free campsite.
you are now a leace
that is for sale,
no longer taken
no longer wasted.
this is now,
you are now
a goodbye.

the wings
of such a
quiet and
peaceful
creature,
makes you want
to Learn
how they do it.
the design
and delicacies
of such
hand-painted
wings.
there is nothing
deeper than
these things.
and as they grow
new new beginnings,
Their life starts to change.
they grow new homes
And houses and habitats.
They go through so much so that
In the end
They can look
Beautiful
And beauty no one’s
Ever seen.
and they have so deep of meaning.
Their life an adventure.
That’s why I,
Want to be a
Butterfly

packing up into one corner
and crying tears
away for no one to see.
no one to witness.
that is life, packing.
packing your plans into a suitcase
and spreading them around
the world.
packing in the emotions
that maybe this world won't want to see.
packing up all the beautiful memories
for when they leave.
packing away the things you are afraid to admit,
or the hobbies one may find unattractive.
but one time, one word, one day.
a day for unpacking.
all the words and tears,
memories, emotions
and feelings so tightly packed away.
unboxed, for the world.

She drowned
Into the person she thought he
Was

i turn around
and He is there with me
every step of the way.
i turn around
and I fall
into His arms.
i turn around
and as I cry
He holds me.
i turn around
with my hand in His,
I turn around
and He guides me.
as I follow,
because that is His love.
His care, His joy, His peace.
and that
is my faithfulness,
knowing that He will never leave.
so I turn around
and He smiles.
knowing that I know
He is faithful,
and so am i.

the sun.
a bright
shine
full of life, full of love, full of hope,
full of care.
leads days of joy
and peace.
The moon.
a deep
wonder
full of still, full of heart, full of thoughts,
full of care.
leads nights of curiosity
and will.
the sun, a glare of reflection.
a beauty so strong no ones even laid eyes,
and a fear of nothing.
a heart of love,
built by gold inside and out.
and so much room in her heart
for the love of her life.
The moon, a one-sided window of secrets.
full thoughts.
with ears so great a mind so full
of all our wonders.
a heart so calm,
holes the size of craters
craters so deep
that they leave
history that is not erased.
not perfect in any way,
but can still fill a heart full of love.
the moon and the sun.
not much in common from the outside,
the sun looks fun
the moon looks quiet.
day with the sun
nights with the moon.
they never see each other.
but on the inside,
the sun spreads around life
and the moon is a good-listener.
the sun cares for the moon,
and the moon cares for us all.
and they do come face-to-face,
once in the evening. sunset.
and once in morning, sunrise.
and both times,
happens to be,
when the sun is at her prettiest,
at her state of peace.
at her happiest.

if your writing my story,
erase his chapter.
where he said he loved me.
but love,
wasn't it.
he played me.
faked me.
lied to me.
there was no we
its was only me.
I gave it all.
my soul,
I called for you
day and night
but you never replied.
all time taken,
it was wasted.
so please,
erase his chapters
and rip out the
pages.

donnt mention my thighs,
but see thats 'different' right?
its not. I'm still cutting arent I?
and even with the doors closed they still know.
for it reeks of blood dripping off my leg
thirsty for a vampire's vang.
you can check me all day
but you'll never see the dark
inside or me.
for I cut it out so no one will see,
so that ill just be happy.

There is nothing of
this Not just a daughter, but the eldest.
Their relationship is held
by memory and pure strength.
Fights and tears.
Faiths and fears.
Their Heartstrings tied
  both growing older,
Together.
Going through adventures
And mistakes.
The wrong paths and waves,
Their love is strong.
The snow globe shakes.
And when it does,
We can see the snow
Spread around.
Life will shake and tap at their love.
It will try to take it away,
Put them through things that sometimes,
They think it might even be over.
But It's never ending.
all the arguments and yelling they can go through,
It won't break away,
For they are too strong.
And they are strong together.
So when a slow globe shakes,
The flakes with flair apart, but they
Always end up
Together, in the end.
And when it breaks,
Is when the slow globes die away.
But what do you do with the flakes,
When you throw them away?
They all go to the same place.
So they are still together
Surfing the next wave.

he
Was
a drug that she thought of.
he
Was
a drug that she convinced herself to take
knowing it would harm her.
he
Was
a drug she was addicted to.
so when he left, he left her thirsty.
he
Was
a drug.
Yet She
Was
his poison.

and poison is something you take knowing it kills you.
but you want it, and you're not sure why.

I'll just sit here, missing you. Thinking of these nights we could have, and how good I could treat you. I know you've been hurt but i can fix it, and i promise i won't hurt you or your heart, i'll be careful with it. I'll cherish you, I already do.  lock it up so no one can crush it, and when you're sad I'll always be there. I love hugs. I'll hug you all night and all day, and I don't want to sound desperate or weird, but I want you to choose me. Have my way. But you wont and knowing that i'm not someone you love, breaks me.

There is life.
And then there is death.
Life,
It is an ongoing sky full of wonder
And beauty.
Sometimes so overwhelming
That we don't notice the opportunity
Hiding beneath the clouds.
Although we do notice when the clouds are dark,
Or the rain is thick.
When lightning struck from darkness
And lights up the night sky.
Life has its bad days,
But it is also full of
Rainbows that bless the sky,
And the sun
That gives us health and fills us with light.
Or the clouds, that we don't usually notice.
But they are the best thing of all.
So many different varieties of
Personality between them.
Sometimes they will fill life to its fullest,
Other times the sky is empty.
A blue void.
And the sunsets, sunrises.
That is when the sun decides to show
Her true beauty,
As she flirts with the moon who is still awoken,
Staring back at her
Waiting for her to seize the day.
Life is a sky full of faith and fields of emotion scattered
Beyond the stars.
So when we have the voice to choose.
Life and death, life or death.
They are so different, that  once you back out of one,
And into another.
There is no pause button,
No rewind.
So when you want to choose death,
A pit of forever guilt.
The guilt of knowing that the sun will mourn and the moon will cry.
The clouds will cover the light spread through the blue,
And the stars will have constellations
Of you.
Choose wisely.
Knowing the opportunity,
You could have,
To surf the clouds.

Pearls, ‘P’ for
A perfect shine Through every light and dark situations of generation.
‘E’ for
Each and every memory between each pearl.
‘A’ to
Being apart of a history that one holds.
‘R’ for
The riches of the shine from it. Or the reflection through such a delicate thing, or the purpose behind the shine.
‘L’ for
The love of the secrets to such a small, jewelry piece.
And ‘S’ to
The secrets behind the shiny white surface. The journey it went through, the home it once had. The love of its life torn apart to take it away. But now showered with top coats and shine protectors. And now worn on a string tied to a wrist, going through everyday adventures.

They're all like
"closing the doors."
But i don't want to
I'm not going to
It's what I adore.
I'm an adrenaline ******
best way to explain to me?
I like to flirt, masted it even
How do I get so many?
I've mastered the art of the game
Like a good dodgeball round
Where you've finally got it down.
This is MY game
Like karate and kicking
Like playing and flirting.
It's all a game
A system to win
From the looks to the tone.
That's how I know
I'll never be alone.

From sill touch
To not so silly love.

The story
Of almost, every beginning.

ode to you,
your walk.
talk.
laugh
smile.
secrets.
there's not much I don't like about you.
you talk with a raspy after tone,
your hair is not greasy
but shiny.
your love is well-cherished.
your touch is well-remembered.
un-forgettable.
your smile.
its overwhelming.
i forget how to think,
when you look at me.
ode  to you.
even though,
you crushed my heart
with your foot,
never saying you loved me.

one thing that will always
be left
unsaid,
You will always be
on my mind.
the names you called me.
they will be long forgotten.
your stares.
will be forever lost.
I can manage
the whole world
with the tip of my finger,
yet you control me over one touch.
everyone can easily
drool at the sight of me,
if I let them.
yet I can drown
at your stare.
so how?
how does the peasant rule
over such a knee-dropping
queen?

How could i not say those words when they fit perfectly into a sentence about you,
to you.
I love you. See? Isn't it perfect?
I just want you. I want you so bad,
not just to taste your lips on mine
but to get to hear you say it back.
“I love you”.
Could you say that?
I dream of what it would sound like,
if I said that and you said that back.
But only what ifs.
For you have someone, and once again,
it tears me apart to see.
That you could be so happy with someone
that's not me.

just one bullet,
      one gun.
            no safety on.
            end it all.
   or just relapse.
decisions.
     always deciding.
             life.
                escaping it
           not possible.
    but at least, pain
makes you gain
      that one moment,
            of peace.