'Cause when I say, "Go to sleep,"
It means, "I love you."
Or when I tell you to eat,
That means, "Hey I care."
When you tell me that you love me,
and,
I call you an idiot,
That's me saying it back but with the equivalence of stupidity.
You are the reason I stay awake at night and dream with my eyes open,
You are the stars in my dark sea that I have been constantly trying to drown myself in,
You are,
For Gods sake's,
My Planet Earth because what else is going to supply me the oxygen I need when my brain says,
"Don't breathe."
You make me not want to die when all I could think of is dying cause you know,
Depression.
You are my alarm clock to when I sleep in,
My everyday phone call,
My back up plan when my back up plan needs a back up plan.
There are a billion of people out here that could have chosen me to deal with but you,
You at least tolerate me.
Thank you for the tolerance, at least.

You make me feel like I'm floating in the darkness...
When your lips touch mine it's like I can finally breathe...
And when you hold me close, pressed against your firm body, you make me feel safe, and protected...
I hope to be the star in your darkest nights, and the warmth you feel on your lightest days...

I don't kiss someone without stopping myself
What do they intend to do?
Will this be the start of the love of my life?
Or are they just using me like you?

I take things slow and I think I do too much
My friends tell me all that they've done
I wanna be as free with my body as they all are
But I can't, because of what happened once


All I ask myself is if I'll get played
And did i deserve it because I stayed?
Every boy takes his tole
And to this day I haven't told a soul


How do I ask for help without giving up my cover?
Will I ever fall in love with another?
Why did I cry on the chest of a new man
Because of you when I hate you, understand
I'll never love with my whole entire self
And I hope you don't as well

"Did you want to say something?"
"No, I'm good"
Instead you'll give me money
Like you've always thought you should

I walked down the steps of first grade
I told myself "this is the best day of my life"
And maybe I was right,
But from that point forward the feeling of being abandoned echoed in other things, through other strife

Invites were missed and so were opportunities
But I never needed any of that because mom and I had unity
And even though on such important days I didn't have you with me
I'm fine, and everyday I'll have to tell myself why

You may have gotten me some play tickets
But did you see me graduate?
Is life at home alright or am I getting slack because you're sad and hate
The way that things have turned out but none of that is my fault
I wanted you to be there so I texted and I called

Why did I need to be eased in?
You were my dad
And even though the perfect movie family unit's something I never had
I felt as if I knew you and you made me who I am
And you did but why you didn't want to see that, I'll never understand

Even though we didn't even meet until I was six
The thought of my mom finding out alone still makes me sick
She probably thought it'd be just me and her forever
Was she wrong? Because I still feel like that when all three of us are together

She was all I needed
And standards are high
I hope I make you proud
But if not, I don't mind

And if you plan on getting thank yous
Everyone would say I should
But when I summarize the past
No, I'm good

I have always believed that when you're in love, you will know
But what if I don't know until I've fallen out of it?

It's scary, the possibility that after everything is said and done and people are moved on with their lives that the past will be the only determining factor that tells you yes, you were in love with them
And by that time, you can't go back to when you were

It's hard to tell myself I'm in love. I am either in it, or closer than I've ever been. I know I shouldn't doubt my instincts, because I will only hold myself back from embracing a beautiful feeling, but it is something to think about.

One feeling that causes the most painful tears that makes one feel the wrinkles forming between their brows and the constant questioning one's self of how is that of falling short of expectations, and while you may not care, want to meet them, want to be there, falling flat is a ****** feeling and regardless of your attitude, that's a fact.

When you let someone down, your family, your friends, your love, you feel this sense of being so close. I could've been a better cousin, and I could've been nicer, I could've done what was right and not what wasn't, I could've held you tighter.

Yes, you could've, but those expectations would only be higher if you did, and the so close feeling would come back into play. This is why I say to myself,
"You do this to yourself, and you know you do."

At the end of the day, you decide whether you were accomplished, and the only person you can't let down is yourself. Keeping this in mind, and knowing these impossible unrealities are mine, I strive everyday to be my best self, and one day, she, I will be able to find.