I’m not sure where I am.
Its all confusing,
So much is getting out of hand.
My thoughts , My feelings
My choices & Wants.
The actions I’ve taken  
Are Not connecting
Everything’s mixed up .

My minds in circles .
Its spinning
So so very fast .
Tugging from good to bad.
I feel so odd
Things feel so off .
I can’t make sense of
what’s going on.

As the days go by
I feel I’m losing conscious .
I grow confused more & more.
I find myself staring out into nothing.
I’m feeling empty but I can’t seem to go & Change myself from sad to happy.

I don’t know what’s going on
I dk what’s wrong
What is my purpose?
What am I supposed to be doing

I loved you with my heart,
I loved you with my soul,
I gave you credit of everything I became,
I heard all that you said,
I followed you blindly,
I believed it when you proposed me.. ,
When I was a child..a teenager..,
I believed you when you said YOU LOVE ME..!!

I believed you when you said I am 'different' for you..,
I believed you when you said I am 'different' from others,
I never objected when you befriended many..,
I understood when you said 'you can't marry me'..,
I understood when you did not inform me 'you are engaged'..,

Yet

The only thing I wanted to believe,
The only thing I wanted to know that "YOU LOVE ME"...!!

We stayed friends, platonic always..,
In the moments of my need,
You helped me always,
During exams and competition..
You motivated me always..,
You saw no harm came to me always..,
All these were acts  giving credibility to my belief...
The fact for me that..
You 'cared' for me always..!!
That in bottom of your heart 'you love me always'!!

But one day...

Towards the end of that cherished relationship..,
The time had come for us to move on..,
You came to say a final good bye,
The FINAL MOMENT had finally come..,
I asked you one thing, with tears in my eyes..,
Waiting either to flow out or to roll back forever..,

I asked you one last time
"DID YOU EVER LOVE ME?"

And that one last time.. You answered,
"NO, NEVER"!..

SILENCE PREVAILED...!!!

And then...

It doesn't matter that we did not marry..
It doesn't matter that you proposed marriage to me just a month after this..,
It doesn't matter you divorced your wife after one month of marriage,
It doesn't matter the whole world blamed our friendship for your divorce,

IT DOESN'T MATTER ... At all...!!!

That NO, NEVER... Stayed with me..
Is still staying with me..
Will stay with me forever..

Even today I credit you for what I have become..,
Even today I know you have chiseled me a sculpture..,
Even today I know "YOU LOVED ME BACK THEN"...

But IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOES IT??


Sparkle in Wisdom
24/6/2018

A smile replaced with a frown
A laughter replaced with tears
A happy thought replaced with a sad one

The day that my birth is celebrated
Is the day that I worry
It's the day that I never thought would come

16 years alive
5 years of battling my own mind

My body stands here
scarred
damaged
struggling
..
but still functioning

5 years down, many more to come
Cheers to me and cheers to you all
Happy Birthday to me

It's a writer's forbidden question
Because as poets we must speak truth,
But tonight you asked it purposely
And suddenly my voice went mute

What am I afraid of?
My answer's loaded, but I won't lie
Others may tell you heights and darkness
While some exclaim they're scared to die

As for myself
I've looked death in the eye
I'm not as afraid of it
As I am telling those I love goodbye

My body trembles in fear
When losing a parent comes to mind
It becomes difficult to swallow
Realizing life grants us such little time

And as I age
It's not poverty or debt
Or rejection I dread,
But a life others might soon forget

For my purpose is grand
I believe in myself and stand confidently by this
While I'm meant to inspire others
My greatest fear is regret of an opportunity missed

© JL Smith