I draw your name with a thin twig in a sand,
Like touching the surface of meanings by breath.
Sand grains flows together like dots on a chequered sheet
And lay down one-line in letters as shibboleth.

In every sand letter of your name there’s me,
Untalented, hopeless, irrelevant, but so tender.
The stray wind will blow away your name from me
And I will stay alone on a sand, unshod and in surrender.

How I want to understand you
With every cell of my swarthy skin.
How I want to hug you all
Till my pulse madness! Not care of anything.

How I want to feel you in whole
In every fiber of my being.
But I'm afraid to spot one day
That you're the stranger and we have nothing.

I loved you so much, to the pain in my temples.
My love was a billow that made one’s blood cold.

I looked for you wolfish till one drops, till hoarseness.
I saw you in each one and ripped myself cold.

My nights are sleepless, my mornings are lack.
I try to conceal myself and hide you in whole.

My heart is pulseless, my mind is dark.
I know it’s folly, but I need you all.

I didn't leave fast,
Just bit by bit.
I didn't leave all at once.
I stood and I waited.

I vanished not quick.
Just drop by drop.
I vanished as a fog,
Till I determined to stop.

I couldn't stay more.
I had to leave quick.
We had to break up.
We both were like sick

A glass of wine, a rainy evening…
The window’s wide open, the candles blink.
The wind is trying to put them out.
Silence fills her. No need to think.

She feels good, and no need to hurry.
Tears of heaven delight the ear.
She has no friends. She has no girlfriends.
And only her cat is always near.

She is contented with her aloneness.
There’s no fluster or moping at all.
She’s pleased with herself and she is honest
With her own conscience and with her soul.

She doesn’t want any loving thrills,
No worrying, no passions, no needless doubts.
All is got over. Nothing remains.
Enough as it were so many fouls.

The wine is drunk. The evening is chilly.
The window’s wide open. The candles went out.
She calmly goes to pure bedroom.
No need to hurry. And all is out.

That is all. We bid farewell.
You live and I will too.
I can do it. I’ll live as my fate allows.
But I’ll never forget you!

You were my dream, the very dream,
That was never supposed to be.
I will not be the same without you.
I won’t be the one that I could be.

My life is night now with bitter frost
And treacherous following wind. That is all.
You took a piece of me away
And left me the half and a hole.

So be it. We bid farewell.
I swear, I won’t disturb you!
We’ll live asunder. We’ll live apart.
But I’ll never forget you!

My grey cat curls up
Down by my side.
It'll be a long night.
We'll get through.

Rain's knocking the bench
There, outside.
It'll pass off after night.
We'll get through.

I'm staring the ceiling.
The darkness's the same
I can't sleep again.
Well, we'll get through.

Mum, my sweetheart, I’m tired.
Do you believe or not?

It’s like my legs are broken under
Or maybe they’re gone for short.

My head is being torn apart
By different odd thoughts.

And I can’t, I can't stop thinking.
Fears are around. More mots.

I ***** up my eyes firmly.
I instantly stop my ears.

And I’m silent again, silent again
As if there’re no dread and fears.

Mum, my sweetheart, I’m tired!
I don’t want being afraid to live!

I’m so tired mum! I’m really tired!
There’re too much atrocities.
It’s true, not a myth.

Just little bells,
Ding-****, ding-****,
Are chirping sweet sounds.
How nice is their song.

There’s not a bit truth
In that saccharine ‘re-fa-la’.
But there won't be nothing else.
We can’t live without lie.

She’s standing, pressed against the cold wall,
Trampled.
She’d be crying now, but there’re no tears.
They’re lost.
There are so many people around, but not a soul,
Just robots.
She awaits no gifts from fate,
She’s like a ghost.
She accepted her script a long time ago.
She’s playing.
She’d like to try a different life, but
She can’t.
It’ll be like before, she will be back.
She’s still feeling.
She will just live and she will await,
Sentenced in full, not half.

I forbid myself to love you!
It's unbearable!
It's like I'm tearing myself to pieces,
To shreds at all!
I madly want to be with you!
More than nearer!
But I forbid myself to think of you!
Not at all!

I forbid myself to remember you!
It's torture!
The sunshine in my window at dawn -
It's you!
Without you I maim my Soul!
I **** her!
My days, my dreams, my thoughts are naught
Without you!

I saw you off that day. I exiled you!
You came back to me the very same as a pigeon.
You flew through the opened door deliberately
And wisely as if it should be so. You were sure in.

I packed you off that day. I removed you.
You returned to me like you didn’t even notice.
You closed the door behind, looked steadily
And smiled as if you were looking at an Indian lotus.

I forbade you to suffer privations with me that day.
You as though didn’t get it and stopped at the same thing.
You made fresh tea and stayed by my side that day
And began to make silly jokes to set me kookily laughing.

I don’t let you go! I’ll keep you close to me everywhere.
I’m stuck to you! I’m trapped inside you in whole!
If you didn’t go that day, then stay evermore, for all time.
I love you much! I need none other in my life at all.

I am ashamed to live today!
There’s too much malodorous mud!
I want to create, to win, to love!
But how’s it possible?
The evil’s crowned!

I look out the window and see the sky.
I go out the yard and hear the groan.
It’s up in the air, ashamedly, clumsy.
It understands that the final is known.

I am ashamed for this crippled truth.
The fact, that seemed like a nonsense yesterday,
Is now a reality where we have to be.
I don't want to live here!
Just noway!
Noway!

I didn't leave fast.
I walked a millimeter at a time.
I left you not at once.
I waited. I didn't move. I paused in my rhyme.

I vanished in drops.
I took myself from you little by little.
I didn't even notice that
I pulled away from you in whole, up to tittle.

I want to go home so much!
I want to go to my open essence.
There’s coffee on the table. It’s undrunk.
And there’s my future, which is pure taintless.

I want to go home, to my place.
The time is ripe: my heart and soul are holed.
To hell with being along! I go home!
I am invisible. And here I am cold.

My current life is in rewind mode.
I’m looking for answers. I’m looking for codes.
Calmness for me is like a ghost.
I’m looking for answers. They are foremost.

There’s no need for sorrow, no need for cry.
It counts for nothing. It's all a lie.
I need to find the very twist.
But time doesn’t slow down at least.

I’m going backwards. My memory’s tricky.
It keeps all in mind. It is so sticky.
I rake up all: how loved, how fought,
How I forgave, and how I sought.

I spilled into ash, but I got up.
I saved myself, but others closed up.
I’m digging, throwing, looking for answers.
It beats me whole. It’s like a cancer.

What if that's all a fiction, a wrong?
Like the Atlantis, sunk too long.
A legend, which is almost forgotten.
And me, who wasn’t loved as a rotten.

And now I’m going back again,
Ridiculous, clumsy, unhelpful, mundane.  
My world relocated a long time ago.
It’s an emptiness warehouse, a storage of Echo.

I believe in you with every my cell,
With every atom of my body.
If they don’t believe in you, I don’t care.
I don’t care about anybody.

I believe you with all my wounded heart,
With every fiber of my soul.
I can warm up only when I’m with you.
Just let me be with you in whole.

I believe in you! I believe you!
You won’t forsake or betray.
When you’re nearby, I believe in myself.
I’ll pull through in my life anyway!

I blend in with the crowd
Of those, who’s kin to me.
Who’s tattered, needless and empty,
Extinguished and bowed as shouldn’t be.

I blend in with the crowd
Of Others, who’s no place,
Of Others, who’ve lost all faith and nerves,
But all the still saved their face.

Of Others, who’ve had a rough lesson
From life and those in flock,
Of Others, who’re walled-up to the limit,
Whose souls are under the barn lock.