when i want
to build a wall.
i take the stone,
formed by,
anger or hurt
from my gullet.

wash it, so it's
dark facets shine.
then place it,
in the footings,
of my insecurity.
find another and repeat
til they form a line.

using as my mortar,
pain, embarassment
and indignation in equal parts.
mixed with tears and bile.

and then, i begin again
buttering bricks and
offsetting, them.
i want, no need,
my wall to be strong.

tho i never build,
my walls too high
three or four courses,
never, no more.
i want to be able to,
step over them
and be free

i have seen those
and watch them still,
thoese who, built a high, formidable wall,
a fortress, it does become,
with them, still locked, imprisoned inside.

so i learnt to build,
walls strong, but squat
so i can,
when ready,
emerge.
righteous and graceful.

but this is my folly,
the flaw, in my scheme.
my walls, they run
*****, nilly, everywhere.
and over them i trip
**** over beam..

so now...
i must find a school
to teach me the art
and give me the tools,
of how to deconstruct a wall.
with out the haphazard use
of a wrecking ball.

I can’t

I accidentally injured myself

I fractured my motivation

Could you love me
if I let you
If I dropped my guard
at your feet once more
would you hand it back
or stand triumphant in it's wreckage.
If I offered myself to you
Would we litter the floor with our rags
hastily unwrapping eachother
with the delight of Christmas morning
discarding sweaters and shame
caution lost to the biting winds
that have always whispered our names
as our lovers slept unknowing
that we were never truly theirs.
Would you lay me down before you
Stretched out and yearning
and marvel at how your touch
has brought me back to life
while our kisses bring warmth
to hidden places
would you press your soul deeply into mine
while our bodies merge and meld
as fate intended
the weight of you a boundless comfort never felt
All I have ever wanted, in every aching moment
Is this.

I tell myself not to message you.
What good would come?
Our paths diverted
Separate roads for separated
Souls.

Yet I see your smile when I awake
And sometimes when I'm down
Like a beacon of hope
Guiding this ship home.

But you are not home.
And I am no sailor
Tackling the elements
And winning my way.
I am drift wood
From a wreck lost way out to sea
Long, long ago
Under a listless moon
And the only witness
Drowned with me.

So I will not message
And the letter of my heart
Will remain unwritten
Floating with the wreckage
Which is me.

at their best, there is gentleness in Humanity.
some understanding and, at times, acts of
courage
but all in all it is a mass, a glob that doesn't
have too much.
it is like a large animal deep in sleep and
almost nothing can awaken it.
when activated it's best at brutality,
selfishness, unjust judgments, ******.
what can we do with it, this Humanity?
nothing.
avoid the thing as much as possible.
treat it as you would anything poisonous, vicious
and mindless.
but be careful. it has enacted laws to protect
itself from you.
it can **** you without cause.
and to escape it you must be subtle.
few escape.
it's up to you to figure a plan.
I have met nobody who has escaped.
I have met some of the great and
famous but they have not escaped
for they are only great and famous within
Humanity.
I have not escaped
but I have not failed in trying again and
again.
before my death I hope to obtain my
life.
from blank gun silencer - 1994