So, When I Die,
burn up my remains
Wipe away a single drop of your pain,
safe in the knowledge that I got in
that One Last Pun
(Ash turned to Ashes)
Smile, because this ****** won, in
death, this one small way, she didn't
have to pay the reaper with her
humour. In this small way I'll get
to stay.

When I Die, don't give a **** about what you say,
Swear at me, hate me, bait me, but please remember me
as I lived. Remember my ability to give a snort
instead of a laugh. Remember when I
took a bath in every item of clothe,
remember how I could make a cove to
hide in out of anything. Remember
how I'd curl myself in and cry or
laugh until I sobbed.

When I die, try not to think about me as being 'robbed'. Instead,
remember me sleeping under chairs,
and catching people unaware, with
sudden, unprovoked song.
Remember me acting 'wrong': my chicken impression,
the monkey one too, recall how I could meow
and hiss and moo.
Let my lovers remember how I could
kiss while I grinned. How a girl so saintly could
sin so wrong.
Recall me, darlings, when I belonged; and
when I belonged to you.

and When I die, there will be no spewing over
empty words, I want beautiful vowels and verbs
and songs, if you have to long for me, then do it
while listening to Marley, listen to love,
listen to the mood.
Be lewd:
If you want to mosh then do it, if you want to
dance then try to feel it; the way I'd always
do.

When I die, cover yourselves in biro tattoos, turn
up to the wake caked in face paint, draw all the
way up your left arms,
None of you ******'s are allowed to self harm
So draw a cat with a halo and say no
to sensible shoes. Choose to wear whatever you like,
don a dress like a kite and blow up
all the balloons

When I die, I'm gonna have to stop
joining in all the fun.
So, please, never feel 'done' with joy.
Act coy.
Play with toys and teddies, if you
don't feel 'ready' to mature, then
don't. It won't help you to
feel happier if
you do.

When I die, still think of something purple
and something blue.
Make sure, at my death, that those things
are there too.
Don't hate me if you find out
something new, I never
aimed to hurt.

When I die, take a handful
of me, and set me safe in a stone, or
a goblet or cup…It doesn't matter which, but
I'd like the words "Level Up"
engraved for eternity
(Keeping ASDF with me, for yet
another century).

When I die, take a deep breath and start another war.
I lived by the law of no regrets, and (look at that!) you're not
dead yet; so try to follow that law too.

Remember, when I'm dead, just how much I loved you.

So when I die, put me in a firework
So that I can clash colours one last time,
Read out my rhymes, the good ones
and the hard ones (Maybe this one too!) once I'm gone
It's time that everybody knew.

And, once I die, let my memories stick
like glitter lain on glue.

*And put me in a firework and watch me glow anew

This game
I can't deal with it again
When is it going to sink in
that I am not something to win
I am not a reward for good behaviour
I don't have a ******* tick sheet
I don't give a **** about what you have
and haven't done, but don't you dare
look at me as an object to be 'won'

I miss you
The you who kissed my forehead
and told me I was too gorgeous and intelligent
to cry or be sad,
I miss you staring in my face and looking truly
glad that I could be with you
That I could love you.

I miss the you
who wasn't suddenly a lad.

You know who I am.
You know everything, before now
you said you didn't give a **** about
stuff I wore, or if I swore or
was 'unladylike' because that was me
I thought you fell in love with me

But apparently even your love can feel
un-sturdy, I feel like you've lured me in for a ****
You're eating me like a last meal, when
you have so many more years to give,
You turning on me is like a shiv through
the ribs

There's nothing left that I can give.

I've played the conditional game before
It burnt me til I could not trust
Then the lock was hit with lust, and then
you  were the one to find a key.

Please
Please
Please

I don't like this new guy
It's you I want to see

I swear that I am still **me

It's a yell
A shout
A scream
and it's unheard. Believe me, when I
say I am not what I seem to be
when I am smiling
when I am grimacing
and I am wishing that I could do it

"just like normal people do"

But the word "Anxious" is soaked
like a tattoo down to my bone, until
I feel so alone that I wish I could eat myself
Snake scales slowly sliding into place
As, with each new word, I slowly want
to trickle sand
and
erase my
embarrassment
All too aware of
harassment which doesn't exist

I can't even begin to give you a list
of the amount of ways I felt this
hole, this weight, this unmistakeable
slayer of my breath
make me feel bereft again of
society, and friendship,
and love,
My brain is constantly praying for that dove
with an olive branch
Just to take a stance over my head
and let me be led into freedom
But instead

My mentality lies in tatters
and what is left
wholesome is scattered
with fear on the wind,
gradually allowing itself to rescind
until it turns, reforms, and falls
again

I never know when it's going to strike

Usually it's when I start to like somebody new,
that it begins to brew up it's toxic mess
Friend, Other or Lover,
it will find a way to slither and make
less again,
So nuh-uh, no way, not again,
I refuse to look you in the eye,
because I'm scared I'll cry if I see my fear there,
I'm scared I'll see that you're aware, that my fear
is slowly drowning me, and crowning
me the Queen of
Isolation,
lost and uncertain
Wishing I could pull the curtain, but still
blindly hoping that audience will
come to, will see the tattoo
and not be disgusted.
I don't want to be distrusted, because every sorry
is laden with uncertainty and regret, that's it
not over yet, and the monster still holds
me by the throat,
I am bathed in mistrust's yolk

And I wish I could smell of something different.

But, I take a deep breath, and I let
another war begin.
Because every day I stare into another's
pupil, is
another day I kinda, sorta,
win.

WOW SUCH ESSAY
MUCH WRITE
MANY CAPITALS
CAFFEINE

Be with me in the dark and slip your arms
apart to cradle my body
To yours now.

Wait with me in the dark and watch
me embark on the journey
that I must endure now.

Listen with me in the dark and hark to
an unspoken pressure
Hear my
Pleasure
My whispers of grief
Relief
Watch as the Autumn leaf of my skin
Fades

Love is with me in the dark
As I listen to the end, and the start, of
a wave of sand.

I hold onto your hand in the dark, and watch
as your lips part in the last laugh of
un-regret.

I smell your last cigarette
Taste your last breath
and watch, bereft, yet whole,
watching time pull away
the last strand of my
summer wreath in winter,
Time so Full
that it can only Cease

Released

Time is so full
It can only
bring

Peace
now

Because there's a hole in my head
There's a dent that has lent itself out
to destitution
and depression
and dull sorrow.

And I wish it wasn't there, but
sometimes wishes are not real, and
the monsters under the bed stretch to fill
reality.

To rip me
and sometimes they always never want to leave.