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louella May 2022
i understand that you don’t want to be a human
causing problems or making the news
or just trying to exist without lighting a fuse
with some thickheaded scoundrel
but
lay low
don’t mind the throbbing hearts
the fire breathing sweat machines
who slice heads off just for fun or for selfish reasons
slip into your burrow
the hyenas and lions don’t dig
(i think so)
if you drown out the noise, the noise will sound like a murmur
of distant chatter
it won’t matter
only emerge to get some food for thought
so on that note,
you won’t see me in a couple of years
at least until the fire swallows up the earth
and manages to seep into the dirt
that’s when i’ll emerge
you know...i get sick of it sometimes too
5/27/22
louella May 2022
i’m more human than you are
more human than your wickedly
accentuated cheekbones
the hair that falls in clumps above
your eyebrows
has more life in each strand
than you have in your entire body
your charcoal colored locks
that get lightened in the sunshine
gather more oxygen
than your own lungs can inhale

i’m more human than you are
when i laugh, i can’t breathe
when i’m anxious, i feel inches away
from death
it lingers in the pockets of the heat
it traps inside my airways
yet, i can breathe finer air than you

even though the haze upon the horizon
blocks traffic, makes people stop for a second
it is more alive than you’ll ever be
it winds and dips and turns
flowing through the atmosphere
creeping down the downtown streets
yet, it’s more awake than your resting body

and i understand this might be
a touchy
subject for you
but you need to let the air stay in your lungs
for more than a millisecond
let it sizzle inside your skin
feel your vessels and veins shrink and grow
let the blood flow reach your panicked head
let it expand inside your brain
and feel the cells chatter and goop
like water

you’re more human than you think
yourself to be
more raw and real and vigorous
you have a soul buried in your eyes
unlike the caterpillars chewing on
plants who only do it to keep their
species thriving
you’re a human who can extend their limbs
to reach the furthest lengths
your heart can think to be
bursting with life

i’m still more human than you are
this pen i was locked in
stuffed my self esteem
but i’m still breathing, aren’t i?
i can chase the wonky walking warbler
i can lie
between blades of grass
letting the earth sink into the linings
of my skin
even though an itch might bust through
i still find a way to absorb the
outside weather
the humidity and the direction the
wind is blowing, or choosing to travel

you’re more human than you think
can retreat from out of you
breathe, and maybe the cricket chirps
will make you resort back to
rolling down hilltops or
jumping off rugged cliffs
next time when you jump
internalize it
and maybe next time
imagine you’re a sparrow for a second
tasting the air, as the water embraces you
and calls your name
so,

                          answer back
i feel the imagery through this one. quick note: just be alive, don’t waste your time just surviving, why not thrive?

5/27/22
louella May 2022
i want someone who’ll raise my chin above the crowds of people and hold my hand tighter when my heart rate increases and respect my boundaries and never be childish and isn’t a gym rat and knows that he is enough 

someone who doesn’t slurp soup or cereal and never asks me if i am ok because he’ll just know and has cracked open a book more than once in his life and writes poems to me in return even though i never asked him to and likes girls in mom jeans

i want someone who sings cheesy love songs to me outside of the shower and drinks sugary drinks and lifts me up just for fun and never gives people ***** looks and always looks ready for an opportunity and is certain and calming and can get my starbucks drink for me when i don’t wanna be seen in public

someone who’ll watch fun nature shows with me and never gets angry unless i am a **** to him and can fix a chimney and a car and a motorcycle and goes outside everyday and brings me along and couldn’t care less that i might’ve gained a little weight and will let me lay in bed all day when i just wanna be left alone

someone
or you know, i’ll take anyone
5/25/22
louella May 2022
the night was young
the rooftop sang in the wind like a little kid
she twirled her hair as the sun became the hills
she pirouetted with flames in her eyes that
flew to the treetops and grew like a blossom
beneath the early summer sky
she smiled like she could have lit up the whole
entire world
the nightingale cooed, watching her fly
and i don’t even mean metaphorically
she was risen twelve feet into the air that’s how majestic she is
sporting a minidress that was populated with flowers of all sorts
she was a daisy, a wildflower, a tulip, a lily, a rhododendron bush, a whispering oak tree
the starlight saver who sparkled so vibrantly
even the moon bowed down at her bare feet
i watched her transform into an angel and she
soared like a bald eagle; her only purpose in life was to be freer than the ocean who held her down to make her drown
she was ferociously alive by the standards of the sky
i just observed her from the rooftop
captured by her looseness and her freedom and how she left the hindering feeling behind, opening the gates of the reformed prisoners who morphed into tiny stars that night as she beamed and twinkled with ecstasy
angel, i can’t believe i am able to be in your presence, in a five step radius from you
it’s an honor
i wish i was her and that you would stare at me all night and just tell me i’m your stars in the darkest night sky.
prob my favorite song of the album, go listen while you read<3

5/25/22
louella May 2022
the mirror plays favorites
she twiddles the beauty queen’s golden hair
she puckers up so lipstick can be placed on her full lips
her hair the perfect length to play with
not dry, but smooth and so healthy

she picks the prom queen’s silky dress with dignity
it’s perfect for her malnourished body
it lays and sits so beautifully
the mirror sees her and appreciates the craft she created
grins, and puts silver and gold expensive earrings on her ears

but when i approach,
she turns her face in disgust
throws an outfit at me; ripped jeans and a tacky t-shirt
she says i’m too fat and that i should keep my legs far apart so people don’t notice how weird i look
she grimaces at me and i walk away bashfully
‘never letting her look at me again’
i say
but
i always come back for her critical opinion
and i accept it
that’s exactly what i am
not beautiful, a fat failure
she’s evil, don’t let her look at you
maybe next time she’ll turn you into stone
who knows?

5/22/22
louella May 2022
i’ll be your denim jacket lucid dream
in a laundry machine
twirling
swirling
heat waves
early july
too hot for a denim jacket
taking it off
sitting down in a rose garden
sweat, the only thing
that sticks close to me
i’ll be your light blue crop top cute little prop
in a pop up shop
stop
drop
fourth of july
too hot to even fake a smile
ok, i like this poem, but i am just wayy too nervous about my chem grade atm

5/22/22
louella May 2022
forgetting isn’t so bad after all
me not checking my test score cause if i don’t see it then i didn’t get that bad grade
isn’t exactly crazy
if i forget those words that imbecile described me as
oh, they’ll go away
disperse into the air
fly to someplace i’m forbidden to go to
i wouldn’t let those stupid words singe my bones
dangle in the mirror, ready to puncture me with those razor-sharp teeth
let me forget
this entire year of excruciating pain and crippling anxiety
feed it to the hungry souls in the graveyard
they will enjoy my disfavor
the ghouls can haunt that imbecile with his petty attitude and ruthless words that he thinks don’t incapacitate people
teach him a lesson in being a decent human being
he’s lucky i’m not vengeful
i don’t crave revenge, i crave to forget
to forget those years that felt like below freezing ocean waves over emaciated bodies
that stripped away comfort and shoved anguish down the throats even of entitled jerks
my brain wishes it could comprehend math and chemistry like he could
if it was that simple, i wouldn’t be worried at this point of the year when i don’t even care enough to pretend to care
let me forget that i let my friends down by talking out loud or shutting my mouth or by hesitating
i don’t wanna be the new doll placed in front of the county that i don’t belong in
those days when i went to Lake Erie and saw hot air balloons lift up into the horizon and ate sausages at some pretty hotel and then went to the beach and let the waves crash into my small figure and i’d smile because life was so easy and simple
i didn’t have to worry about failing chemistry for the year
or what ***** was gonna call me ugly when i entered that ancient building
let me forget the torment
let me forget
let me forget i had a best friend as well, so i never had my hopes up thinking that she would speak to me

5/22/22
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