Sprawling Hills of Robbins calling, flitting up and diving down plumes of cherry blossom. Whispers between sunlit shower over speckled lawn canvas that keeps me rolling in anticipation of what's to come. To come. My one. When God sends, he will tread my boundaries exploring, yet never wanting to crumple one leaf, but I whisper between our fifth and sixth eyes the omens flung about my halls, that he may crunch every leaf and twig his soles do bound upon, the past may rip and scream across the forest floor if it means he will be who he needs, not who I need, so that we may meet in harmony,  so that I may have him and hold him for all this lifetime. He may crunch his path as he runs, with no plea by me to stop echoing death. I am heaven sent, I pulsate frequency  radiating out of me, not likely to leave my King, or the king my King brings, in favor of fanciful histories.. I will delight to be his queen of the mornings. I will be the feast his eyes eat up. The fruit so nourishing, before it fall, leaves falling. Falling. Back to the Earth from which I came, to be reborn in spring. Falling. Falling. He will be my summer calling, I his long awaited rain. He will be the harshest winter that makes my ego hibernate or there'd be no surviving. No writhing. Butterflies from the tomb, exploding out like flumes, the free falling, falling. Poppies popping through ice pockets, shattering what was frosted, and cloudy. My sunshine melts away his cold, I will be the life force he delivers into new dimensions of reality, cuz together we are the Galaxies.  Galaxies. They waited to be born since we last pulled apart, my love weathers every storm, my Lord hath created, Created. To test integrity that should burn through centuries, through the ages. Ages. My King will be assembly to every notion born of my hips. He will be the part  inside me I can't shake and I wouldn't want to,  because how much he cares shows through constant. I want for him to be the only one to undress me for the rest of time, his hands on my waist haunting til I say his name and baby comes back crawling to make mama sing and scream til she's back onto her day with a charming grin she can't even hide when she's trying. That's golden. Golden. He is Daddy, he'll be the first and last man to know her pleasure cuz he's everything she's ever wanted and he knows it. He also knows that he should treat her kind so they don't scream and fight. Screaming or more likely crying would be the inevitable cuz she would never walk out on marriage, the institution that doesn't change things just cuz you've commited. The ego fuckery isn't dead on arrival of our Father to a blessed union. He wouldnt walk out on her, cuz he evolved past thinking he doesn't deserve everything that God did bring him. The Great Mother did sing that this would be beautiful something. Naturally, I'd wait for her ques to tell me hes someone true. I dont come unless I hear Angels calling. Calling. I muse I hope itd not be truth that Im a glorified learning tool, for I wanted the table itself to sprawl upon. The problem, reality calls, is word of free will runs rampant out of control from soul, I'll beat my pride down like a game of whack a mole cuz that's how much I love him. Love him.  I'll steal every show.  My will unlocks every door, its not whats next for renting, Im the rare bird. You are the rarest blue, so true then sad takes you to an underworld of pain through past fast forward to lessons. Transcendence. Its not that in our true essence, we're less worthy of Gods blessing, it's just that the timing has to be right for picking.  Mutual peace must be obtained,  non mutual paves no way.  Love is not jealous. Jealous. Love is not boastful, never. Must not boast of bitten hands or fan self delusions that we're not worthy. We are worthy. So worthy. Love is not prideful. Love is what's left when you brush the emotion off the past. Love is the deepest forgiveness that only comes from truly loving oneself. If I must wait, I promise I will befriend you til Jesus pushes you aside to make room for husband,  or til he helps you push out your own ego and locks him out our happy home. Permanently. Forever. And we can be what we thought we might,  if only the timing was right,  and everything magically aligned how we hoped when we astro-traveled and looked down on the Milky Way, just hoping. Hoping. In our furthest dreams, that by God's grace we'd meet. Our fingers are still intertwined out there somewhere and I swear my soul feels it. I can feel it.

The beaten path is hardest to go alone but it makes one stronger. One never wants to admit to oneself that misery is the predecessor to change, ushering it like the pilot ushers the plane down upon the runway.  This is a new destination you'd never have known. That is why we go up and then down, otherwise you wouldn't care for clouds. They'd be like stop signs posted on every street of every town you can't escape from. Don't you think whales like to take a dip in our atmosphere with the same exhilaration we dive down into their ocean? Marine life has it's trials, it all seems so buoyant and peacful, but its another jungle down there. Beautiful until you live it and predators lurk every corner and algae field. Everyone eating the next guy, if its your residence, it is no vacation. Its not so simple just cuz they've not got rent to pay and corrupt politics. Babies on the way while no financial burden make most species crazy. Try being a single mother just trying to keep your kids well enough hidden just to go off to find good eats for them. They have very emotional lives out there, full of pain and suffering. If whales could get drunk, mermaids would charge and set up breweries. But the ocean would dilute any profits, and two tons of blubber each would call demand too high and so whales throw themselves into our world just to escape. They could gulp the air so low key, surfacing like submarines, instead they splash mountains with their ferve, the same way we get down, tossing cares across dance floors. And we wonder why when  they take a breath, they reach for the sky, they just want to be free, where nothing of their world can touch them. And we wonder why when it's not enough, they just give up, just like us. Massive escapists desensitizing to the joys in the depths of their waters. We wonder why we find them so sad layed up on our beaches, you see it in their despondent eye. They just want to die in that memory of exhiliration. One. Last. Time. But they're not happy. Cuz they were always chasing a high that fleetingly springed them from all worry. They lay knowing its the last time and they wonder what's gonna become of them when its all over. They just figure what lays on the otherside, or even nothing has got to be better. Maybe they're right,  or maybe all the off kilter chemicals got the better of them. Full moons got them all emotional just like us, gravity pulling all their painful memories to the surface, pulling them up out of the ocean all hopeless. Shoot maybe some of them dont even mean it, they were just so tired of the krill or baby seal murda life, or sharks poaching their babies and needed longer and longer til oneday they got too sleepy and the tide snuck down too low. Like when I pass out in the shower when it's hot enough, I swear I was about to get out..then, ****. Maybe that's why they're so ******* sad. They didn't mean for it to be over, they just got caught up in that feeling. I bet the old ones though go on purpose, just to spite the sharks that took their babies out they'd rather rot in the sea breeze they loved. Or maybe they're so depressed at the loss of their child they just want it to be over. They carry their babies in their bellies just like us, I bet they get depressed like us or the smarter dogs. Being a whale, or any sober creature can be very hard, but at least if you're not running from it, you might see through the storm for the beauty of its strength, releasing fear to just stand in awe of it. You can learn to cope with pain in at least better measure to sprinting in laps, without intention, you're just on the track, even if its as vast as the pacific, adriatic, atlantic, doesnt matter all the waters you cross, they all just ran back into themselves. See, the whale can only cope, no emotional escape route, so no matter what comes, whale is miles wiser. Their calls sound a little sad but so hauntingly beautiful. Do not beach yourself humans, in your little ways everyday. Stop feeding this disbelief in yourself. You were given this brain to choose to overcome this pain, to communicate in new ways. If you get tired of something just cuz you're used to it, you've done fell off your rock, you slipped to drown in your own riptide, to get pummeled to death. Or as my Papa woulda said, you're not playing with a full deck. You drown in intoxicant, whatever your vice, liquor, uppers, downers, shopping, food, flirting, ******* to numb life's beating. You're running from sobriety, from reality, from those people you don't love anymore cuz they can't jive with your illusions. You'll look for every reason why your psyches not the problem. If you'd not only accept but seek the need to heal,  you wouldn't need constant change of scenery just to feel something, to feel snippets of sanity, mini vacations from your daily miseries. New people, places and substances are just so exhilarating, cuz you can't handle yourself. If you could, each listed above would be blessings of oneness, not necessity. Running is only blocking your life from mattering as much as it should. You squander potential wandering in circles inside yourself. I smoked **** habitually since I was twelve, it didn't really hurt me right, just my dump trucked loads of brain cells? Wrong! Sobriety is the hardest but most rewarding excursion so far. I delight everyday in the opportunities I can receive just cuz I can think so clearly. I have an occasional shot or glass of wine with coworkers and think God I feel good. Then go home and think and plot, how can I attain that joy without consuming a dollar, compromising my body?  How can I be so at home in my skin that I don't need that just to feel like this?  I'll let you know if I ever figure it out. It's the big ******* mystery, isn't it. I THINK my point is,  we would never know what's so good to be cherished if we always had it made. They call it a beautiful struggle, and i really think they're onto God with that one. Wherever your feet lay, next time you look down at them in dismay, remember your pain is the best teacher you never had to pay.  It makes you great, it makes you an epic ******* trilogy of the past present and future.  You'll get through this day, I promise you. Whatever it proves to be to you, I pray oneday you hold the kingdom. Oneday you'll praise yourself for holding on. Oneday you'll stop running. You'll just wake up and feel at home inside yourself how the wise whale makes peace with the ocean. Tempering the binges to the surface. As above so below. You just have to find the thrill within the hand you're dealt and make yourself better for it.

I'm with a customer when I feel your heart seize in my own body, this sympathetic pain always all I have when our signal gets shotty. That's most the time now. As much as I miss you and I love you, I figure if I matter, you'd stop running. Connection can't be carried by one only, thats an unhealthy anomaly. I sense you get solemn when I'm no longer calling. It makes me want to reach out and soothe but God booms no everytime, says quit playing mommy, he's clearly done playing daddy. If you will stand as friends, you shalt not be both legs. He said he was so busy it's not for you to go to him. It might feel good to be in contact but cheap moments are tricks robbing the big picture. If you're two to exist thats on him. He is big on "action" so allow him to imprint upon the universe his stance if and when he's ever ready, do not take that opportunity from him or anything you mend is only temporary, for your God wants for you a man who understands the sacredness of intention. The past must pass you by and leave you alone for what's to come. You deserve to be someone's priority, never second to their ego. If it's not this man why get caught up and waste your mojo. If he loves you so much he'll follow and find the time to pick up the phone device and call you. Why should it always be you smoothing it over, making sure he knows "I love you". It is not right, there is no time for waiting idle for progression that is stalling. You deserve partnership of back and forth, not wallowing. It is not up to you to pick him up out every hole. Maybe sometimes as that back and forth but where's he been when you are spent? He's off wandering. Looking for new back and forths to make him feel rich. That's always the plan, it just never goes accordingly. There is not enough connection to fill the pit he keeps digging. Just because he might know now you're worth his time, doesn't ever make soliciting love right. God says let him go, and if he cares he'll fly back. And if he never does, I'm so glad to know where I stand. On this branch. In the morning mist. Being grand, receiving my plan. I'm over the self punishing. I'm over supplying the only constancy. I miss the old days when I was worth the world and all the words you'd never found a home for til our eyes got reaquainted. You are the biggest blessing of my life but I follow God, not humans. He wants me happy. Says if I am strong my strength will funnel into the next connection that is borne. Will it be with someone new oneday or ours. All I know is we are worn and our torch submerged in the tears of our storm. If we are to be reborn I am so happy. But I will not keep dancing on doubt just so it flashes me money. Doubt is never to touch me. It makes me feel cheap and I like to dance classy. If you wanna talk ask me. I will not crawl. If you say you're busy get back to me. If you miss me, tell me. If you're gonna say goodbye, write words I understand cuz I'm worth that, I will not pull out the medical dictionary I dont own to decipher poetic geometry. You know I **** at math, that is a headache and a half adding up what's this and that mean.  The only reason i know what your saying besides every other word is hashtags, how tragically sad our last gasps of connection are becoming. When you write for me in the face of uncertainty you never branch my way, its always in code as if writing for yourself only. When you are happy with me though, its always crystal clear. What have we become?! This is US! Talk to me, tell me how you actually feel. Otherwise I'll see you next life. I hope you're loving yourself as much as I love you. It's not a job for the faint of heart. I would know, cuz loving me is a comparable chore, a dutiful art. But I find a way everyday. Everyday. Everyday. I love you so much for teaching me everything there was to know about my goodness. Before I found mine you were the billboard blasting my praises. If we are to go separate ways, I will be ok. For I know I gave you the same. I gave you confidence, hope and perfect love. At least for a time we had eachother's backs and loved eachother harder than anyone else had been capable of. That is what soulmates do, it has been my honor to serve you. I release you now, hoping you find your way back home  to oneness to sing his song. Maybe I'll see you oneday in the branches of sobriety, faith and love, by my side or in the distance flying with some other ***** with better luck. It'd not be that she's worth more, cuz I know I've got a good heart.

I've always stretched for the jars just out of my reach. It never felt right, but neither did letting you go.

What we had was so thick, I'm terrified no one else could cut through it. Even if they could, I can't say my whole heart would want it. So I pray, that if you're praying too, God could be our top Chef, help us whip up something new, let us spoon our tiramasu, full of tears of wisdom and *** of the ethers. If not, its fine. You know I'll survive. You know I'll thrive with my heavy heart, I always do.