We spent the time on our backs
engulfed in blankets and your computer light
and I slept while you worked
your brother made me a tv dinner
and i asked you why you treat me this way
on the drive home
I can't remember your answer anymore
but i know I held my tears until I made it
to the front door
Sleeping in your bed, next to you
For the first time
Is far more intimate than I'd like to admit
But the bobby pins on your window sill
Remind me that you are not mine
I am nothing more than a warm body
To slide into when you get bored
constantly reminding myself I am
Good enough, that your indifference
Is reason enough to walk away
But I don't walk away, I follow
The familiar path to your front door
And in a tangle of legs and sheets
I come undone
I’ve always had a morbid curiosity
about the way it felt to die
and if you really see
all of those moments
flash before your eyes
or does your spirit
soar towards a light?
do you go directly to paradise,
or plunge into purgatory?
do you find out the truth
about gods and men?
does death surround you in darkness
like a burnt out match?
It always comes back to
Is death really the end?
and i get that come over text
you’ve been up all night drinking
while I got ****** in my bed
I said, give me five. then, on my way
You answer the door and invite me to sit
and I cant remember how it happened but
one minute you’re lighting the **** for me
because my arms won’t reach and the next
I can taste the yuengling on your lips
and your hands are everywhere,
you know just how to touch me,
I’ve always wondered how this would feel
when it’s over I let you put your head on my chest
while your hands trace patterns across my skin
I leave just before we both fall asleep
this didn’t mean anything.
Fear is a curious thing
It can hold you in place
Or propel you into the unknown
But all of us have one
some of us even face ours
and some of us hide from them,
But another will always follow
Fear isnt always terror
In life or death situations
Fear is largely just a discomfort
with an idea or hypothetical situation
people mould their lives around
This notion, let it twist their vision
And harden their hearts
Or show them the strength of their faith
In man and god, devils and angels, themselves.
to end an awful year
I kissed someone
and ****** someone else,
he left bruises
in the shape of his hands
and scratches covering my back
just the way I like it
but the entire time i couldn’t help
wishing he was anyone else
Maybe even the tall one
with the pretty smile and
really good ****
whom I met on the train
or maybe he could have been
the one that ****** me standing,
holding me in the middle of the living room
all bulging muscles and dark skin
or the boy I’ve spent 5 years
trying to get to admit he cares
about more than just my small body
writhing underneath his
and I’ll continue searching
for something I’m missing
and when I don’t find it in a lover
I’ll disappear and search for
anything else to keep me
from getting too attached
I cant stop thinking about
The thing I want most.
Not money or relationships
Or a bunch of mind altering substances
Just one more moment,
To hear you say
“i love you, seester.”
i wish i didnt remember
How cold and hard your arms felt
Or the way your face looked,
Blue and gray under a layer of
Caked on stage makeup
I miss you
100 times more today
And i will miss you
100 times more tomorrow
I will miss you 100 times more
at the end of autumn life changed
And i spent the winter hidden,
an apartment In a new city
And threw myself into working
And fighting off the demons in my head
But it wasnt enough
I felt a shaking in my chest
That never completely went away
It rattled my bones and
Tumbled my head
freezing wind brought Spring
And I almost managed to convince myself
I am better
But if im honest
The smoke fills
lungs and pages
And the satisfaction
Of feeling something else
No, someone else
With their hands in my hair
And the feel of skin
Pressed against mine
And my mom caught us,
"I know why you wanted me to leave"
I won't tell her that
He ****** me on her couch
And right there on the
Living room floor
As the sun came up
With one phone call my world fractured,
a short drive to the ER and it had shattered
Im used to tears and the ever present sadness
But nothing feels as devastating
As the moment I lost you
I stared at you, lying there
Your fingers turning blue
I felt your skin grow cold
I kissed your forehead, your cheek,
Your beautiful blue eyes
Hidden behind lids
never opening again
My tears fell onto your face, in your hair,
They soaked part of your hospital gown
I begged for you to wake up
Please, I pleaded
I couldn't believe that I would never
See you smile, hear your laugh, your voice again.
You fell in love with a monster
And he made you believe
He was all you'd ever need,
With a tiny *****, he took you away from me
This monster stole everything you had
Your little girl, your faith, your family,
Until he took the last thing you could give
I think about those last moments
Before he ****** you all the way in
Were you scared? Alone?
Did you see it coming
Or was it quick?
You know little bits of who i am
But a few scattered pieces do not define Me
Even if you know exactly what to say
to get me back to your room
And how to get back at me
When i stop complying
I can't keep up with the changing of tides
but i will keep our secret
About the night you told me to leave,
I didn't cry until i hit the pavement,
Fat angry tears,
pulling the fight from behind my lids
Slow and steady streams punctuated by
gasping sobs as i ran through now familiar streets
To an apartment and
A father i spent years running from
I know the ebb and flow of you,
The ripples of your muscles
Pull me in to a rocky shore
And if i don't run fast
Over jagged rocks and broken glass
I will drown in your sea
I cant decide if this is one whole poem or three separate ones. Oops.
They don’t tell you how much it hurts
when you’re cut open and exposed
or how messy your failed attempts
at cleaning yourself up can get
wires get crossed and lines are drawn
and you hit hard but I hit harder
so you call me crazy, I thought you knew
you expected psychotic girlfriend ****
that was never who I was,
I’m scared stiff, hiding in my bed
cause I’ve been seeing **** again
and you could never handle that
You ran circles around me and
I am dizzy from watching you spin
I let you in and you’re running away
like a scared little girl, the way I used to be
before boys and best friends
made me grow skin, tough as an elephant
and I refuse to run forever,
from life and all of things that can **** up
and miss all the beautiful parts
you can’t see
the beauty in butterflies if you refuse to stop
You say you can turn it off, if you wanted to
I say they were never real
if you can make them disappear
I would have never chose you if that were the case.
I know that you are not responsible
for picking up the pieces of my
constantly shattering emotional state
just as I am not responsible for yours
but I shouldn't feel as if I can't tell you
when I'm having a **** day just because
you're stressed out too
and you have other priorities that don't
have anything to do with me.
Am I selfish for wanting to be
part of those things?
My heart skips when I hear you
Whispering all the things you
can never say to me sober
And much like the hitch in your breath
every time I moan your name,
I tend to get stuck on the little details
like how you act as if the world isn't
pushing it's weight into your shoulders
And I wish you knew that it was
pushing on me too
bearing down on all of the
weakest parts of us.
**** is always changing
but some things stay the same
like my heart and how it beats
when you call at three am.
Your voice whispering in my ear
and the way you sound saying
my name, or how strange it is
that you know all the
little bits and pieces,
of me since that very first week.
Like talking things out with me
when I get a little too mean
instead of yelling and saying nasty things
and the understanding when we need
to take a step back in order to move forward.
The best part of you knowing
all the parts of me is that
I know you.
I never thought about
the way my voice sounds
when I'm half asleep
the way I laugh at everything you say
and all of your favourite parts of me
my favourite too.
The way you sound when you're half asleep
mumbling "come here babe."
has become my favourite phrase
along with the way
you say my name,
when I wake up at 3 am
afraid of the monsters in my dreams.
You read my favourite poems
ask about my day and
I could listen to you go on forever
memorizing the way you sound
when you speak
the butterflies in my stomach
I've never been so unafraid of falling
knowing you are there,
Fingers intertwined and a string
stretching thousands of miles
across rugged terrain
you've got me
all tangled up
and wrapped around your finger
I used to be afraid of committing
to anyone and anything
but you hit me like a heavy rain
in the middle of a drought,
knocking me off of my feet
and your current has pulled me
under your covers
and I've never been so content to drown
We never promise forever and always
but we're always planning for the future
because that's all we can do
to keep us sane
and I feel just a little bit crazy for
thinking about you
and everything we're going to do
all the little moments
and the big ones too.
We got caught coming out of your shower
and you used your body to hide mine
leading me straight to your bed
where we spend our time in a strictly biblical sense.
and I keep quiet about the love of my life
somewhere in the middle of the Pacific
who will never know about the
terrible things I do
naked and on top of you.
I have never met someone so intent
on letting me collapse, breathless and
shaking, over and over again
and knowing how I feel
you lead me
straight to your bed
and I am free when you are underneath me
only then do I forget that this will never be
the right decision.
Someone once said the definition of crazy
is doing something over and over expecting different results
The truth is I am crazy
for chasing a dream
that has a snowballs chance in hell
and like you said
*it's just ***.
I do not know if I love you
in the same ways
I have grown, up and apart
Your habits I once found endearing
now make me claw at my skin.
You hate my painted fingers
and the length of my nails.
You poke fun at all the parts
I hate most about myself
and in case that didn't hurt quite enough,
you don't know how to listen
when the demons in my head
appear in the dark.
I fight them off alone
with silent prayers and sleeping pills
but nothing will ever be **enough.
You are quicksand
and I am always fighting back,
Your dirt fills my mouth
and my smoker's lungs.
You pull me under
like an anchor tethered to a ship
I drown in a sea
We strip each other bare
in the name of ***
I have never felt so exposed
as I am, tangled in your limbs and blankets
illuminated by the light of your computer monitor
playing something I've long forgotten the name of.
I feel it after I've returned to my own bed
I am still stripped bare because you are under my skin
and I scrub until I am rubbed raw
but I can feel your hands, covering me
and I can smell your scent on all of my clothes
in a heap on the floor, taunting me.
you used to meet me in my dreams
after every quiet morning and late night
you were always there
just waiting for me to come back to you
and although they've become less frequent
i still see you every now and then
but i miss you more than any of these words
will ever let you understand.
you whisper “i’ll see you in dreamland”
and fall into your bed but i’m still here
and you’re not coming back.
I will not get on my knees
And bow at your feet
Or beg and plead
For you to stay here
And cuddle me in
Like you always did.
I do not need you
Or your voice
Raised against mine
Acting as if you can
sweep me off of my feet
Just to collide with the ground,
Again and again
Using only hands and lips, you
Left marks on my bones and
your scent covering my skin.
Tracing lines down my spine
you read each vertabrae
like your favourite book,
Again and again.
And I have given chances
One, two, and three.
I've since stopped trying to
deny you, and my protests
an attempt to convince you
that I am strong enough to say no
but it always comes out as
yes, yes, yes.
I've been biting my cheek to keep from grinding my teeth,
clenched jaw, I can barely speak.
You make my blood boil while my heart is skipping beats.
The line between love and hate is faded and repainted
time and time again.
You're all of my worst habits aggregated,
and I can't quit one or you
to save my life.
Like you did, when I lost everything and almost everyone.
I know it was mostly me, I asked too much
you gave everything, still.
I apologise, I could not handle your particular brand of crazy
or your self-righteous attitude.
It was always something I'd said or done
and it gave me thrills to wind you up.
Then you snapped, slapping and choking
over a question about a film.
I screamed so loud that your father woke up.
He didn't do a **** thing.
Stranded in a strange city, broke and phoneless
You spent the night on the couch while I cried
alone in your bed.
We fought again the next morning
over the busted radio in your ******* car.
You slammed the breaks and smashed my head
and I knew then that I did not love you
still, I stayed.
for a week or two
and then I called it quits,
I still don't blame you,
because *I stayed
I see people writing about love and being together,
lazy Sunday's and kisses in the rain, late dinners
and holding hands or
a stroll in the park on a warm spring day.
You're enslaved to overly romanticized *******
and frankly when I think of doing any of these things
I want to ***** all over your pretty sun dresses.
because feelings are hard and happiness is a farce.
You waste days, weeks, and months worrying about finding
someone to spend forever with and for what?
To be disappointed with your unrealistic expectations
in that which love should be?
Spare me the *******, I'm over this.
When your happiness depends on someone else
you are not living at all.
I carved a heart into my skin
I just wanted to feel something, anything
other than you
but it only made my tears fall faster
and I used a razor blade to scratch out your name
a new scar to cover up all the ones you'd left.
I used to smash light bulbs,
the pieces hidden in an old shoe box
and use them to tear apart my wrist.
I've moved on to killing myself in other ways
with boys, *****, and pills
but none of that compares to hiding
blood soaked wrists.
If no one can make you feel inferior without your consent
does that mean I let you make me feel like ****?
And if this is true how do I stop giving in to you?
You said you like that I let you take control
but if I'm letting you do this then doesn't that mean I'm
the one with the power?
I could go on for days about your hair and eyes and lips,
soft, pink, and cool on mine. I could talk about your hands,
so large against my own and how you towered over me,
standing at almost 7 feet. I can talk of your skin, so pale and
covered in dark hair and the way your beard felt as it rubbed
against my face and then between my thighs.
I could speak of your physical presence but none of that matters
because you still chose to leave.
i try and slow it down,
my head is swimming.
too many thoughts and just as many words.
i can feel them in my fingertips
and i can see you, fine without me,
like i am without you.
have you thought of me everyday like you said
and do you keep my rings
tucked away in a drawer
with all the other things i’ve left?
while on the subject of speaking the truth
i hope you do but i know you.
you look for a second and close it back up.
just another memory of me.
some days i miss your laugh and some days
i want to kick your in your face.
how can you be so blind to something so obvious?
no, i’m not talking about us
because there is only you
we are not an “us.”
this isn’t even making sense any more
because i can’t remember how i felt
but you still have a hold on me
and i want to let go
i know i should
but i can’t stop holding onto the cracks
or i may just fall apart.
how’s that for honest?
you always know when to listen
and when to speak
in the softest voice i’ve ever heard.
you have the warmest hugs
and the kindest heart,
so pure and good.
smiles from you remind me of
sunshine on my face in the spring
where all the grass is green
and the leaves have yet to change
and you’re still here
3,000 miles between us
but fate stepped in and
i am in a cab, flying towards china town
and you are running down Broadway
in the opposite direction.
i told the cabbie to stop, but they insisted
we kept moving.
you were right there, so close
we could have touched.
of all the days to be in the city,
we chose the same one
and missed our opportunity
to kiss each other on the mouth
but if it really was fate,
i will see you again
and we will kiss and touch and laugh
and fall in love.
I wrote a million lines just for you
a bunch of words I never wanted you to read
Now you've found them, you found me.
You read a few lines about loving some one else
and even more about ******* you,
Sleeping in your bed meant more than loving him.
You knew me better than he ever could,
more than I ever gave you credit for.
Yet we do not know how to love,
ourselves or each other.
We are star crossed and completely aware
that we have been ****** from the start.
My eyes are closed and I see you smiling
The sun is over your left shoulder and I
am smiling back at you.
One hand on the wheel and the other
in my lap.
This is the last time I can remember being
I did not know that I would leave your side
crushed, like the stubs of your cigarettes
and I am lost,
I am lost without you.
we’ve talked a few times
a couple of months after
we agreed to never speak again
and I got it this time.
we are no good for each other
we have chemistry and
I got burned
by your heat
in your car and in your
bed where you sleep alone
i’m sleeping with anyone else
just to keep warm.
and I will always do this
no matter whom I’d rather next to me
because this is who i am.
I play games and never reciprocate feelings.
we both felt it this time
and too afraid to light a match
holding dynamite in our hands.
— The End —