This is not a straightforward illness.
This is a rollercoaster that takes you up and down at random,
and you’re left just hanging on for dear life.
There are days when you are trying so desperately to live and not be numb to the world around you,
but at the same time your mind is consumed with finding a permanent end to it all.
Things you used to love have no meaning anymore,
and nothing seems to quite give you that spark of joy when the fog settles in.
Sleep offers a temporary escape,
but nightmares keep you from finding any peace of mind.
This is a 24/7 illness, it does not take vacations
it waits until you start feeling normal enough to say it’s been a good day before it slams you down and takes you back a few steps.
One of the hardest parts is to regress when you were making progress, but that’s part of this journey - the ups and downs are endless, unpredictable and unstoppable.
My depression might not look like yours, we are all unique in our struggles.
My illness may have gotten the upper hand this time, but it will not win this war. I will keep fighting

An empty, endless space
that is all I imagine is inside
I stand before my reflection
and face the enemy that resides within
a darkness that consumes
and tortures every waking second
each day it chips away more
soon there will be nothing left of me

I wonder how this happened
and what led me to this dark place
I seek answers that cannot be found
I wonder aimlessly in search of resolve
now I have to face the truth in this mirror
a shell of my former self stares back
a face cold and tried
and a heart too ****** to love

I lost myself to sad thoughts long ago
my fate seems to be set in stone
after being consumed by darkness for so long
how will I ever see the light again?
Part of me wants to fight this
a stronger part of me longs to surrender
I just do not have the strength
I resign myself to a life in the darkness

I turn away from my reflection
bid farewell to the face I no longer recognize
She is me, I am her
but we will not be meeting again
I push the darkness back down
ensure that only I know it is there
buried deep in my centre
festering, but never to be revealed

I tried to lock him out
But he somehow found his way back in
The monster, the dark mist that slowly takes hold of my body
Until his tendrils wrap around my limbs and throat
Rendering me unable to breathe or to speak
So I curl up in bed and wait it out
"This feeling is fleeting," I repeat
It stays long enough to rid me of any flicker of hope,
extinguishing any sparkle in my eyes
Leaving me numb
Alone to pick up the pieces
Until he chooses to visit again

Today might be the day it all becomes too much
The day I grow tired of scratching at this wound
Digging deeper and deeper, scratching until my fingers are raw
Pulling at my skin, pulling myself apart
Pulling at these twisted tendrils,
hoping to finally strip them away
Hoping that there is still something salvageable
and I wonder: what if nothing is left unsoiled underneath it all?

Is today the day it all becomes too much?
The day I grow tired of obsessing
Obsessing over every thought in my mind or move I make
Obsessing to the point that I find no rest
Spending every waking and sleeping moment dissecting every situation
Only to find that I am helpless to change what has already happened
and the actions of others
Still I wonder:  was it something I did?

Is today the day it all becomes too much?
The day I grow tired of the ugliness
An ugliness I carry and see in the world around me
Nothing seems worth hanging onto for another aching second
As I confront myself and am forced to look in my own eyes each day
I grow more tired of being in this skin
so I pick at it again and again
Longing to hurt myself, to feel any pain but the pain of existing
Still I wonder: would they be better off without me?

Is today the day it all becomes too much?
The day I grow tired of trying
Trying to find meaning in a life centered on meaninglessness
Trying to keep smiling when my heart and soul feel so heavy
and my face feels as though it will crack if I pretend for another minute
I wouldn't wish this on anyone
Fighting an enemy that isn't tangible for so long
Still I wonder: is this enemy even real?
Something I can't touch or describe,
but have in my mind every day
Urging me to hate myself and bringing me down,
every step feels weighted down
Pulling me further into myself and away from my surrounds
Is today the day it all becomes too much?

Today has been a good day
I feel stable
Today has been a good day
No bad thoughts plagued my mind
Today has been a good day
I got out of bed with ease
Today has been a good day
I showered and dressed myself without tiring
Today has been a good day
I didn’t think about dying
Today has been a good day
I didn’t obsess over the small things
Today has been a good day
I did a full day’s work
Today has been a good day
I even managed to smile
Today has been a good day
Because I’m alive

"Everything you are doing is wrong"
these words are etched in my brain
I try to run away, I try to will them away
but find no escape as they only grow louder and louder
My thoughts imprison me
They hold me back, they tie me down
they wish to suffocate me by drowning me in self-loathing  
until there is no part of me left untouched
It is only a matter of time
For now, I stumble against these words
fighting with every ounce I have left
but I am tired
The words grow louder, they repeat faster
encircling me and piling on until they crush me
"Everything you are doing is wrong"
louder and faster. Again and again
Nothing I do now can stop them
these words are forever etched in my brain

No one seems to understand
just how heavy this burden is to bear
what it takes to get out of bed
what it’s like to fight your own mind
to face these thoughts daily
and to somehow not give up
to keep fighting though you want to quit
to keep breathing when you wish you would stop
Imagine for a minute, each second is agony
each thought is worse than the last
imagine feeling so heavy
feeling so tired from fighting
just trying to be “normal”
tured of forcing a smile
and you’re told to stop thinking this way
as though you’re in control of this
as if medication is not keeping you afloat
as if this depression can just be turned off
no one understands this burden
longing to die, but dying to live
hoping for anything to pull you back above the surface
so that you don’t drown in the darkness
No one can understand this burden

As I straddle the line between the highs and lows
I find myself wondering when I will start to feel better

The highs, so euphoric and freeing
are always too good to be true
They never last, no matter how much they light up my world
Reckless and bold, I feel invincible
Racing thoughts too fast to even grab hold of
there is no time to overthink
No other feeling quite encapsulates this
I dream of staying in this place
but the highs, so euphoric and freeing
are always too good to be true

Faster than I can comprehend,
I am now falling back down to that dark place
Slamming to the bottom so hard
that my body feels too heavy to move
I never see them coming, but the lows always return
Gripping despair consumes my thoughts
The brightness has now been replaced by such thick fog
it robs my sight of any way forward
There is no euphoria here, only hopelessness
I never see them coming, but the lows always return

Up and down, up and down
the cycle endlessly continues...

Doubt plagues my heart
A constant fog fills my mind
A reason to stay planted here
Is all I seek to find
The days are becoming longer
And it’s harder to get out of bed
I feel I’m making no mark here
And I may be better off dead
I fight this thought daily
And pray I may break through
But these thoughts keep getting louder
“maybe they’d be better off without you”

Each morning I wake up
And will myself to fight one more day
I keep trying to stay strong
But then forget to pray
Forget that He is there
And waiting to hear my plea
Yet I’m so caught up in this
That I forget He can set me free

My fear of the fire
Is the only reason I stay
So, I seek any source of comfort
Or means to keep these thoughts at bay
See, it catches you off guard
And derails any progress made
You’ll be feeling fine for once
And then you’re suddenly afraid
Afraid to wake up
And afraid to face what’s out there
Afraid that today might be the day
It all becomes too much to bear

I crawl out of bed
Put on my daily armour, ready to fight
Repeat these words in hope to myself,
“maybe today will be alright”
Paint on a smile, comb my hair  
And pretend everything is okay
All the while looking for signs
Whether or not I should stay