at the border and in cages
it’s the worst
in clouds of smog
it’s the worst
in prisons
it’s the worst
in foster care homes
it’s the worst
at the mall
at factories
at fundraisers for the poor
it’s the worst
at parties
at family gatherings
it’s the worst
at city hall meetings
at schools
at movie theaters
it’s the worst
in the morning
in the afternoon
in the evening
it’s he worst

going to bed
yellow balloons
that’s the best

looking at the starts
smelling food
watching the cow escape the slaughter
that’s the best

sparkling water
a bee pollinating a flower
that’s the best

swatting flies
fresh bed sheets
overcoming suffering
that’s the best

apposing the rich
unpopular opinions
fighting for minorities
that’s the best

vintage finds
forgotten promised
happy thoughts
that’s the best

answers
a still mind
understanding
hatred extinguished
that’s the best
for me.

Partner, companion, friend.
My dear lover,
My beloved muse.
I understand now what I did not know before.
Things I could not have known, without you.
Our lives have become an expedition of searching the deepest parts of our minds.
Understanding the past, hoping for the future, and going with the present.
There is no rule book when it comes to caring for another person, no rule book for love.
It does not stand alone.
You cannot have love without sorrow,
Without anger,
Without joy.
It’s vulnerable.
Love is, vulnerable.
It’s showing all of your cards, hoping they accept.
It’s watching them blossom, sometimes, away from you.
It’s selfish, and selfless.
My dear lover,
My beloved muse.
Your tenderness, I will never forget.
There is warmth in my heart, where your name lays.
I love you.

Take me back
Back to before any of this mattered  
Take me back to the summer of 2015
I wish i could’ve prevented this
This unnecessary development of attachment and heartbreak
This diagram I have of your body
The way it felt under my hands
The warmth you produced
This memory of every sound you made when I touched you
The way I tucked your hair behind your ear and ran my fingers along your jaw line and kissed you
The intimacy
The sensuality
The loneliness
Take me back to the time before you
The time before I knew I would come to love you
Back to before I knew what a sense of stability felt like
Back to when I was comfortable being alone, being lonely
Back to before this feeling of not wanting to lose you, but knowing it was time to let you go
This ending is not bittersweet
It is sour to the core
I hope I have not skewed your sense of love, of passion, of companionship
Take me back
To before I ruined you

Outsider, bystander

The smile of my closest friends still makes me sad

Feeling far away even though I’m sitting right here

The sound of car engines passing me by

The breeze caressing my face

The feeling of these tears leaving my eyes

Sitting, staring at my reflection in the screen of my computer

Who am I

What do I want

It feels like I’m trapped in a bucket and everything I love is pouring water in, drowning me

I am nothing

I am no one

I have nobody

I am alone, but oddly enough, I do not feel lonely

The clock keeps ticking

The final hour approaches quickly

But I am ready

This is what I’ve been waiting for

It feels empty.
It is a glass of water pushed off the table, it gushes from my eyes.
Vacantly, as I stare into the paper waiting for the words to express this kind of empty, this kind of feeling so much that I am simply, empty.
The kind of empty that feels lonely.
The kind that makes me feel like sitting and looking out the window.
The kind of empty lonely that makes me need to be alone so that I do not hurt others with my wicked tongue.
The kind of empty lonely that is not easily understood.
In the darkened basement I sit, shunned from the outside world, surrounded by hobbies and projects I have lost interest in.
My motivation has left me, I look for her everywhere, but she doesn’t want to be found.
In a way, I am jealous, I would like to disappear too. There are times when I feel stuck in my meaningless day-to-day routine.
I am always reaching for something, hoping that it will give me something to live for, something that will make this all worthwhile, something that will give me meaning.
But for now, there is meaning in my empty loneliness.

I am trapped
Caged in the dungeon of my mind, I cry along to the thump of the shades hitting the brick walls when the wind blows in cold air
I shiver
Afraid that I might die here and no one will know
This despair grows from my solitude
This anxiety will be my killer
A five minute panic becomes a twenty minute panic, and I can’t sleep for the night
Skipping classes, rocking back and forth in the early hours of the morning
How many times have I experienced this before
Ive lost count, or rather, I never wanted to keep track
Social interaction is hard when all it does is make you afraid
And I’d rather be isolated than make a fool of myself in front of people I barely know
My experience of a higher education is nothing more than years of disillusioned dreams, and endless days of self-loathing
When will it end
The panic, the paranoia, the depression and worthlessness keep getting stronger
I am alone
No one lays on the other side of my bed when I reach out for help
No one hears my whimpering as I try to reassure myself that everything will be okay
The only warmth I feel is that of a night light, and the microwave time
My forty dollar plush bunny has been my only saving grace
Who knew I would be paying thousands of dollars for my suicide

Fill me with your misplaced love.