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Jace Nov 2021
Today the realisation hit
That even if I come out my life will still be ****
Because I’m not a ‘normal’ member of society
And I have to live with the ******* anxiety
That a lot of people don’t believe I even exist
Let alone deserve rights-I should cease and desist

The worst feeling is the one where it feels like I’m pretending
Like if I tried harder I’d be a normal human being
That if I was skinny or happy with my weight
I’d be a normal, unbothered, cis and straight
Even though that’s unrelated and completely
absurd

The second worst feeling is the imminent death
From hating myself so ******* much
When I’m literally ready to grab a kitchen knife
And remove my ******* from my body in a single swipe
When the need to bind is so strong that I no longer care if I can even ****** breathe
But I just need to remove the **** things from my body…

So I do and I break all the rules of binding ever and I last five and a half hours before “wimping out” because…



when you remove the deadly tape in fear of actually ceasing to live from the inability to breathe and wonder whether it was worth it because this morning it was a brilliant idea it felt so good and the pressure didn’t matter because the elation was so great but now your skin burns and your breath returns and a different weight settles on your chest:
the return of self hatred and the wish of a painful death
Jace Mar 2021
I told you I'll see you tomorrow
You crawl back to me every time
I told you you needed me
But you flushed me down the loo
I told you you couldn't live without me
And now you panic because I'm gone
I told you I enjoyed showing you red
And it helped you no end
I told you you shouldn't stop
But you didn't listen so everyone is dead
I told you it was necessary
But because of you everyone will leave
I told you you needed me
You still need me
You will always need me...
Jace Apr 2021
You know you want to
You know you shouldn’t
You know it’ll make you feel better though

So you do and it helps
So you do and one more can’t hurt
So you do then you stop

Then comes the disappointment
Then comes the self hatred
Then comes back the pain

Because you promised
Because you were fine
Because you don’t know if you can stop again
Jace Mar 2021
Think
Repeat

Think
Wash
Repeat

Think
Wash
Cut
Repeat

Think
Was­h
Cut
Wash
Repeat

Think
Wash
Cut
Wash
Think
Stop.

Repeat tomorrow see you then
Jace Apr 2021
In and out
Round and round
Loop the loop
Come back down

Breathe in and out
The rope goes round and round
The knot goes loop the loop
He jumps but doesn't come back down.
Sorry if this is depressing and **** but if you've read any of my other poems recently then you know my friend Alfie killed himself a couple of weeks back. He hanged himself. He was 14. He took drugs but we didn't tell anyone, scared of breaking the fragile trust he had in us. I knew there was something wrong after I met him in the park that morning yet he never showec up to school. They'd had a call supposedly from his dad saying he would be absent. It wasn't from his dad, it was from Alfie. Alfie hung himself from an apartment block stairwell 2 hours later. He didn't send a text to say goodbye. He didn't have a note with him. I couldn't watch the CCTV footage but Lily, his girlfriend, did. I've slept at her house a lot since that day. Making sure she doesn't follow him. Her parents hardly notice her and she can walk around the house in short sleeves and not be questioned once about the fresh cuts or old scars. We avoid talking about it. We both think about it though. The call I get and 5:47 pm , while I'm walking home, with Lily sobbing down the phone telling about how it isn't fair and nothing is worth anything anymore. At this point I don't know what she's talking about so I asked but wish I hadn't. Alfie hanged himself. Alfie committed suicide. Alfie is dead. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm sorry I guess you probably didn't read that but if you did thanks for sticking with me. I needed to write the whole story somewhere.
Jace Apr 2021
Look at my YouTube for you page.
You'll see short flims, spoken word poetry and information videos.
That might be normal...I haven't seen yours
But yours don't all have the word sad in them right?
Mine is because of the research I've been doing.
To make sure I'm not insane.

Look at my recent Google searches.
You'll find articles, quizzes and wiki pages
That might be normal...I haven't seen yours
But yours don't all have the word depressed in them right?
Mine is because of the research I've been doing
To make sure I'm not crazy

Look at my search history.
Can you see the am I gay quiz?
can you see the do you have depression video?
can you see the how do I know my gender article?
I don't think that's normal...can I see yours?
Do you do research aswell?
Are we both unstable?
Jace Nov 2021
I can ******* harsh words
I know they're coming
I don't swallow them though

I can hear my insults
I feel sorry
I don't apologise

I can feel you're pain
I suffer too
See that's why I break you

I'm broken already
My edges sharp
So I cut yours easy enough

No one ever considered
Why I chose you
No one knew what you put me through

Big bad bully picks on you
That's *******
And you know it too

You were better at hiding
Stealthy and silent
Hidden from every one else

But you broke me
My edges sharp
And you blame me

But really you should have taken more care
Sanding and filing those edges smooth
Because leaving them sharp was begging

Just begging

For them to be used
Jace Mar 2021
I wonder what free-falling feels like
When its not into dark thoughts
I wonder what sinking feels like
When it’s not beneath a hundred worries
I wonder what waking feels like
When you’re not dreading the day ahead
I wonder what someone’s day is like
When they don’t panic in a crowd
I wonder what someone’s night is like
When they get to sleep through
I wonder what it’s like to look in a mirror
When what you see feels wrong
I wonder what a life feels like
When you don’t wish it would end
Jace Sep 2021
You tore me limb from limb
Like a flower dismantled petal by petal
And my blood leaks out like sap from a tree
Sticky and wet and you wash you’re hands clean
Of the deed you committed when you stole my heart
When you took my trust and ripped it apart
It wasn’t my trust in others but my trust in myself
My self esteem drained and left for dead
Constantly watching my words if fear
Of saying something else that could be perceived as unclear
My trust in my kindness
My loyalty
My help
Everything abandoned in the space of a month
You took everything from me
Including myself
I don’t know who I am anymore
Just a shell who can’t loose anyone else
But don’t worry
I’m fine
But you wouldn’t have worried anyway
Because all you ever cared about was you
Not a spare thought for me
Unless it was useful to you
But don’t worry
I’m fine
Jace Apr 2021
Gender was a stupid creation

Who decided just because I have, well...
Certain bits
That it means I should wear a skirt?
Or a dress?
I mean what does it matter?
Why aren’t we just all the same?
I don’t want to choose
Because getting it wrong
Means doing again...
Jace Mar 2021
This is the first time it's ever been this bad
It's happened before but it was ignored
This is the first time I truly want to leave
Because I'm not the person I'd like to be
Nobody needs me , they'd all move on
They've already given up on me once or twice before
I'm a toxic friend but it's not in purpose
I'm sharp and nasty but I'm always sorry
I don't deserve anything as good as I get
I deserve worse so I give it to myself
Why do people think I'm great I'm really just a waste of space
I cost the money that we don't have
If i was gone you'd get your life back
I'll fail my exams and get minimum pay
What kind of life is that day by day
The afterlife seems a bit far fetched
But at least I'd finally get some rest
No more thoughts in and out my head
24/7 just let me be dead
Jace Jan 2022
He won’t cut his hair
Because his ears will get cold
And his eyes are dark brown
But they stare into my soul
He doesn't want to be close
Or give out hugs
But he’s always there
To check how I am
And I like this boy
And it’s ******* annoying
And I like this boy
With his drawing obsession
And his chat about a game
I have no clue about
Or an anime series
That I’ve never seen
And we joke about how
He’s so **** at maths
And he compliments my new hat
Because he knows I want one
But no one else has
And he's quick to defend me
Like I am for him
And we gel really well
But I wish we weren't friends
Being friends makes things awkward
So I'll ignore it instead
For a couple of years
Then remember and go
Oh **** yeah
**** I used to like that emo lookin kid
But he only looked like that
Because he refused to get his haircut
Because his ears would get cold
Jace Jul 2021
I think that I don’t know anything
Because that’s all I’ve ever been told
I think that I can’t know who I am
Because that’s all I’ve ever been told
I think that it’s wrong to be who I am
Because that’s all I’ve ever been told
I think that everything will be my fault
Because that’s all I’ve ever been told


But I’m starting to think that I know some things
Starting to think that I know who I am
Starting to think that I could be who I am
Starting to think that everything’s not my fault

Then i get reminded that that’s a false reality
Jace Apr 2021
Overthink, thoughts keep on turning
Like the waves we now float upon
Crashing and swelling then calming
False sense of security before it comes again.
Jace Apr 2021
The engine malfunction is your fault.
The problems are in your head.
The questions are in your mind.
No-one else's, only yours.
Jace Apr 2021
Never sure if I'm alive anymore
Seems I'm lost in a void
Desperately clinging to the people I love
Calling them in the middle of the night
My girlfriend must be sick of the
Desperate reaching for her hand
As we start to walk into the crowd
Jace Apr 2021
Over and under, get out of the way, wait for instruction, don’t question this game.

In and out, get over yourself, wait for the final blow, don’t dispute this result.

Far and near, hide away, follow the rules for someone else’s gain

Here or there, breaking out, rebel against the system, give us a shout

Yes or no, not a question, hate their prejudice, protest the oppression

Loud or quiet, take away the pain, yell obscenities, give us a name

Peace or violence, again not a question, it’s for the message, not the aggression

Responsibility or blame, it’s not our fault, we fight back,  it’s for us to reclaim

Forgive or revenge, neither just change, we wait for the moment, freedom-uncaged
Take this however you want. if it’s about black lives matter and racism then it is. If it’s about homophobia then it is. If it’s about climate change then it is. If it’s about antisemitism then it is. If it’s about islamophobia then it is. If it’s about ableism then it is. It’s about any oppression you face (unless you’re a ignorant person who thinks A. The gay agenda exists/it’s going to hurt you B. You think reverse sexism is a thing C. You think reverse racism is a thing D. You think mental health issues don’t exist E. You think climate change doesn’t exists.-if I’ve missed anything let me know :D). Get read to break out-I wish you luck


I’m interested to know what it’s about for you-let me know
Jace Mar 2021
I look in the mirror
And it feels wrong
The person in there Isn't me
The person in there
Has messy Brown hair
And dark ringed eyes
And he looks like he's been
punched a few thousand times
His hair is too long
And the oversized shirt
Hangs of the overweight body
More than it should
The weight never bothered him
And it never will
That's not what he's teased for
Or bullied for at all
The band teeshirts rarely surface anymore
Even though they were his favourite before
The cut off shorts stay folded in a draw
Because they show to many scars
That would rather be ignored
And the boots haven't been
out the wardrobe in months
The person looking back
Should be happy and carefree
Wearing an ACDC shirt
And torn up jeans
with Scuffed up docs
And a flannel flung
carelessly over a shoulder
The messy hair shaved short at the sides
And smiling eyes
That aren't sunken like that guys
He shouldn't look sleep deprived
Or upset
I wish I could backpeddle
a couple of months
To when I was happy and loud
And my friends thought I was high
All the time
Disclamer I've never been high
But I was pretty much hyper
Every day of my life
Now there's no energy left to spare
Except for breathing and sleeping
And writing whatever **** this is.
Jace Feb 2021
What do you do if things feel like to much
When you might let someone down
And you can’t do enough
What do you do if something goes astray
When you can’t let go
But you don’t want to stay.
Jace Mar 2021
Love that girl
With blond hair and blue eyes
Who’s as beautiful within as on the outside
Would she ever love someone like me
We’ve been friends since we were three
Would that make it weird as time goes on
Love that girl
With eyes blue, hair blond
Jace Mar 2021
I'm I have no idea how this was seen by so many people it was legit an empty box because the website glitched lol
Jace Sep 2021
I don’t ******* know how to write anymore
Everything I write I hate Delete it word by word until it’s just a blank screen again Knowing everyone will hate it (anyone who reads it that is) before I even read it back I never used to edit, just type and click publish because it wasn’t important that what I wrote was perfect just that it was out there for someone to read. Now it’s different because everything has to be perfect. Perfection is a standard yall who know me know that I am constantly too desperate to achieve. And it never used to apply to writing-writing was ok, writing could be **** and everything was still ok but now it’s not and this is a mess I don’t ******* know this is on par with what I wrote still sat on the bathroom floor after doing whatever stupid thing I’d done this time but yeah. If you’re still following well done because I’m not sorry for ranting I do it a lot anyway yeah I can’t write anymore maybe I’ll see you again but probably not so peace out fuckups and depressed ***** like me don’t be offended just pass this and leave
Jace Apr 2021
Sick of this
Sick of faking
Sick of wondering about the point
Sick of not knowing if it’s true
Or if they’re stringing me along
Sick of thinking bout the future
Sick of counting every day
Sick of wanting to die
Sick of being alive
every flippin day
Sick of good moods only lasting a minute
Sick of the high then the immediate low
Sick of ‘Are you bipolar’
Sick of explaining I’m not
Because I’m not
Sick of not talking to anyone
Sick of being judged
Sick of ‘what’s wrong with you’
Sick of not knowing
Just sick of everything left in this world
Expect the couple of people who are
Sick of life
Aswell
Jace Mar 2021
Nobodies perfect
They tell me
But she looks pretty untouchable
From where I'm standing

I'm not perfect
I tell myself
But I look pretty untouchable
To everyone else
Jace Apr 2021
None for breakfast
None for lunch
Only at dinner
Because you dragged me
Jace Mar 2021
No shut up I don't need to do more 52 was enough now leave me alone no no no go away go away I don't want to listen to you 52 is enough no I don't need to do anymore it's ok I can't cope I can't do this just take my life away freaking out freaking out probably scaring my friend I'm sorry J if you hate me now. I tried my best I promise I promise I didn't mean to I'm sorry I'm sorry. No no no it's going through the bandage what do I do what do I do if my parents find out of anyone finds out in be in the **** but this hurts like he'll and I've got PE tomorrow. No please not more blood I don't need to do it again but it feels good the physical paincis easier to explain even to myself than what's in my brain I'm making no sense there's no structure of ryhme this is ******* I know but I just need to write my thoughts that are going ten miles an hours can someone help me i m going insane. Their deep and bleeding and hard to hide I don't want help I can do it by myself it just hurts and I hate hurting myself but it feels good and I like it and the stinging is freeing you won't understand this unless you been through it...
Jace Feb 2021
If I was never here my best friend would be best friends with someone else
If I was never here my mum mightn’t be a mother
If I was never here, the person in my place might have a father
If I was never here nobody would miss me so why should I expect anyone to miss me if I leave now
If I leave now my best friend would find someone else
If I leave now my mum would be happy with the other daughters she’s got instead
If I leave now my father wouldn’t know and my stepdad would be rid of the cow he thinks I am
Jace Apr 2021
Weeks then month and years so far
Eventually decades might also pass
With a golden light shining above my head
When perhaps red horns would be a better fit

How could you ever possibly know me
You question my haircut but then all you see
Is a good girl who's had a wee blip in the system
Because you won't see the volcano beneath

The lava some times flows through a crack
When I yell or I curse or I stab you in the back
But still it's only a bump in the road
Because you won't see I'm ready to explode

The heat some times escapes from a gyser
That's when I break down, crumble and cry
That's when you see how I feel everyday
But you just comfort me and tell me its gonna be okay

It can never be okay, it just wouldn't work
I've discovered secrets you hid from me. First
How is this growing up, who invented this,
Were they mad like **** this ****

Secondly why does it depend on my schooling
Who gives a **** if I can do trig or if I'm failing
What if I want to write songs or play in a band
Or travel around the world and live in a van

Thirdly why do you care so much, it's only my life
How much could it possibly be worth
What is one person, i.e me, going to change in this world
Of conflict and war, why can't people just learn

Lastly, if you want to help me do well
Stop caring about my beliefs just accept I'm going to hell
Maybe then I'll learn something in your place
And my volcano won't spontaneously combust in your face.
Not sure about this-it's kinda a mess
Jace Feb 2021
Every time I open my phone
Waiting for a message from you
Still wishing my feelings weren’t so real
Hoping for a message from you
You have a girlfriend so I can’t compete but
Begging for a message from you
I don’t know what I want what I need
Pining for a message from you

Waiting
Hoping
Begging
Pining
Still no message from you
Jace Jul 2021
Boys you missed this time
And the last penalty took you out
But next year is the world cup
There years time we can take a shot
At the Euros again
Good luck
Good night
Jace May 2021
I think I'm lost
Never to be found
Slipping further
Inside my mind
Run out of space
Where people can't see
The red descends
Down my arms
Further and further
Until it's visible and clear
The sadness I feel
Now written in my skin
Except it's not sadness
It's deep depair
From within
The crimson rivers
That won't be forgiven
That won't leave for a long time
That can't be unwritten
And a friend
Who doesn't notice
Or care for your pain
Just blamed you
For their attempt
Blamed you for their shame
Made me hate myself
More than I already did
They forget everything
I've done that was good
Just picked up my mistakes
From a pile of actions
Forgetting the friendship
And devotion I've given
The fact that I'm there
At the tip of a hat
But they aren't there
When I'm being sick
Not when I'm cutting
Or breaking down
Or skipping meals
Not when I'm binging
Then purging what's left
But I can't live without
Because my lifeline
Can't leave
My desperate need
For someone like this
I cater what I say
Censor my jokes
Just so they don't take offence
To my insensitive pokes
And they can't leave now
I can't loose anyone else
That will be the third
In there months
What do I do to deserve this?
What do I do to deserve this?
You
Jace Apr 2021
You
Mess with my head
Then take me down
But then are nice
And turn around

But insult me again
Call me fat
Call me ugly
And then that’s that

I do something nice
Suddenly we’re friends
No one see out of the ordinary
When looking in
Jace Apr 2021
When I was younger
Life seemed like an amazing feat
It felt like there were endless possibilities
I had dreams and hopes
I made memories that were great.
Now I'm still pretty young
Life seems impossible
It seems like something i never asked for
It feels endless. It just won't end
My hopes and dreams
Are so far out of reach
That they aren't even feasible anymore.
How am I supposed to make a career
I'm any of the things I dreamed about
When I hardly care about living
My memories aren't nice anymore
They've erased themselves slowly
Until all I can picture were the times
I was upset or mad
And how now I can only think
About how life was always like this
Even when I mightn't have been before.
Jace Apr 2021
Don't use your book to degrade me.
Don't use your book to insult me.
Don't use your book to hate me.

Don't use your book to say wrong things are right
Don't use your book to lie
Don't use your book to back up your twisted lies

Don't use your book to define today
Because your book says *** is wrong
Because your book says you can't eat prawns
Hey you don't hate crime sushi chefs
Look I don't know if that's true but it provided me the sushi joke so deal with it.
Jace Apr 2021
You're not depressed
You smile and laugh too much

when I feel numb and empty
Or like there's nothing left for me
I laugh at your terrible joke
And smile at your obscene happiness
Because I'm glad you're ok

You're not anxious
You don't look it, you talk too much

When I'm jittery
I hide my nervous ticks
Like scratching my hands under the table
I talk to stop the thoughts controlling
Because i don't want to worry you with them

— The End —