I saw the sky this evening and immediately your face appeared in my mind
I opened the curtains to peek through the blinds
My heart stopped for a few moments where my existence relied on the vivid dream scene to breathe life into my body until my heart composed itself to beat to the sound of silence once again
I thought I would never see another work of art apart from your face
I guess I was wrong
Because how can I say you are the same as the sky tonight?
It’s easy
You’re both a work of true beauty
I’ll try to show you how glorious you both are you’ll see
The evening sky at around half past five is sea blue
The same color of the eyes you have on you
Vivid acrylics with oil paints splashed across a universal canvas as if a painter sat in the corner of the room had a dream crawl through his nightmare and saved him
The way you do
I’m the painter splashing, crashing, slashing her canvas until her art is mastered
You are like a dream in 3D and this sky is you back drop
So I honor your memory by painting what I see every time I look at you
The sky this evening illustrates you so perfectly
I wish you were here to see
How the mountains are charcoal black but the blue above is pulling away to be with the grey misty fluffy clouds that dance slowly
Candy floss pink float like a little girl’s dream
Swirls and strokes from paintbrushes over the blue background splats from cerise
Fuchsia peeks through too but the lilac pours over the sky
If there is one thing that can strike you blind it’s the ruby red that burns sapphire cursing the blue for breathing for living for existing
It captures you enraptures you just like when two lovers are kissing
Fairy lights in the garden are meaningless in comparison to this
Soon it’s time to fade into a soft salmon pink pale pastel water wash inside an iron sky
And boy that’s how I feel about you
Inside my own mind you and this extraordinary sight are two of the same painting
But evening skies must turn to black and soon you will also be fading

My life has changed dramatically recently
All I wanted was to succeed, achieve and make my family proud of me
I never asked for anything other than to be loved and to love others
but every event showed me how this world is so cruel and loveless
I let myself down disappointed in my own ability
To mess up my life so very quickly
Build walls shut everyone out because I’m to embarrassed to let anyone in
If anyone can save me it’s him
But he saw sense, he’s gone now too
Just me, myself and I with my ****** up mind but even that’s left  
Oh, where is my mind?

My life has changed dramatically recently
Cigarettes Joni Mitchell songs bleeding heart a dozen spliffs ****** up mind and red wine
Maybe I need this
I need to be destructive for once in my life so if anyone is looking for my sensibility she jumped off a bridge on the freeway because she was tired of the pressure from everyday
The burden of being strong for a dysfunctional family when they couldn’t be strong for you
So you are left with only you but you can’t stand yourself
Pass that joint, rack me up a line, burn a cigarette my way and feed me wine
Oh, where is my mind?

My life has changed dramatically recently oh how will I make it through?
I’m punching holes through walls watching my inner castle fall
Smoking beers why am I here?
Pick me up from the floor can’t walk anymore where is the door? Jesus I’m such a *****
Shunned all hope shoot up the dope spark up a cigarette drinking for weeks straight oh I think I might die I wanna go home
Passing out in strangers cars covered in bruises and my own scars
My smile is gone I’m not even holding on driving myself insane what is my name? It was fun when I was 23 snorting Mandy in your front seat but I’m older now and I knew you never loved me, leaving me to walk home in the cold aimlessly
Looking for love in the wrong places with distorted faces

The last time we made love

The last time we made love was on a Friday night in September
I remember it so clear
You laid beside me beneath the grey duvet pulling us into each other
Your arm stretched for my head to go over
Inviting me into your chest I could smell cologne, it stains my mind when I’m alone
You planted a delicate soft kiss on my head but I reached for your mouth instead
Yours pressed to mine a feeling so divine two car crash hearts combine every time we kissed I always felt the butterflies within my stomach
I still feel them now despite all of this
Your fingers stretched to my cheek cupping my face in your gentle hand
I thought back then you wanted to be my man
I craved your lips every time you pulled away to look into my eyes
You hand grabbing at my thighs
I could feel the connection the passion and the beauty in your presence
I didn’t think think this time would be the last
You suddenly on top of my body pulling my soul into your arms kissing my cheek then every single inch of my body
My skin on your lips
You made me happy
Brutally honest fragile intimacy
In the dark with me laid beneath you every single moan every look and every smile was true
But honestly I wish I knew back then that this would be the last time I would ever be with you

Thought of the day 1
I know so much about you now. I know the wrinkles beneath your eyes when you smile
I know the flash of red between my fingers from your strands
I know how to hold your hand
I know the smell of your cologne, the smell of your room that I am familiar with
I know the place you live
I know the sound on the guitar you make and all the songs you played
I know your favorite movies and how you tried to watch the shining with me but I had to turn it off because I was high as **** and it scared me
I know you love garlic bread more than life itself
I know how pale blue eyes makes your heart hurt but just like Lou Reed says you were my mountain top, I thought of you as my peak
I know the sound of your voice when you speak
The clothes you wear, the denim jacket that wrapped me from the cold air
I know sonic youth is one of your favorite bands but you love Metallica the most
Saturday mornings, you and me drinking coffee and eating toast
I know the color grey for your bedding
Twisted duvet, my glasses fixed while you were reading
Veggie burgers inside bread sandwiches with ketchup watching Brooklyn 99
I just remember thinking how happy you made me every time
It wasn’t the nights out, the drinking or the smoking
It was being with you and how I felt like myself in your presence
I know every single fact from your childhood because I listened when every word came from your mouth
If I close my eyes I see you now
My favorite handsome bean, my favorite person to lean
myself into and hold him inside my arms
I know so much about you... but now.. what am I to do with what I know?
Because you don’t want me now
Instead, you want me as a friend but I don’t think I have the strength
It’s not how long you’ve known someone, it’s the impact they have
You made an impression that’s hard to get rid of
What am I to do with all I know about you now? It’s all useless facts
Just as I am useless to you, fading away into the mist leaving your mind but your smile has imprinted on me
This is it, the letter I wrote can go in the bin, the photos of us can be shredded and torn, the t-shirt I gave you tossed away, my number can be deleted and all the messages erased
I’m disposable now, your tomorrow has nothing to do with me
Linger on pale blue eyes
May they forever haunt my darkest mind, torturing me knowing
I couldn’t make you feel the same, even if I tried

My skin belongs to him in every way, every shape and form. I am him in so many ways, for he is me also. When my heart beats next to his I am scared, I feel something I never believed was possible for I don’t understand what I feel every time my skin touches his. It’s an electric spark that lights my sheltered life and places my heart on the tip of his tongue. I am someone so vulnerable in the moment I share with him. The ecstasy is intense. His pupils dilate, our lips meet. It’s beautiful. Then, I remember, he’s not mine, he didn’t belong to me, he never will, I am not her but I did it for the loneliness I felt and honestly, I did it for my heart that he stole, I did it for him. It was always for him.
If I close my eyes now I can still feel the moment I knew this was real for me. The moment my eyes laid on his presence and he intimidated me yet intrigued me, he got my attention immediately. The ******* his arm, she was pale and uninteresting. The cigarette he smoked while his blue eyes locked on mine. The room went quiet and the smoke filled the air, the haze was thick and I was scared but his stare led me from the darkness in my mind, it was a soul connection I had never felt before, he was so familiar yet I hadn’t seen him before. He was handsome, like an old movie star. The loudness became a silence as I felt a magnetic attraction to a human I had never felt before.
I remember lying next to him and feeling as if nothing could hurt me, nothing can hurt me. The music I hear is only from his lips of how he has the same demons as me and we belong together. We understand each other. No one understands him but me. He looks me in the eye, I don’t judge him for all he has done. My love is still perfect to me. He places his head on my chest I hold him all night, skin to skin, heart to heart, lips to lips, this is my happiness.
He promised me Paris and lying together under the stars on a bed of roses whilst gazing at the star all we could witness was our future played out in the stars that determined our fate. Watching old movies, he would hold me tighter than I had ever been held before. I knew then I loved him. I knew he wasn’t meant for this earth, he was too precious but behind his sad eyes I felt a calling to his pain, I just wanted to be his. I remember talking to him that night for hours. My head on his chest, my fingers through his.
I can still hear Bon Iver playing through his speakers as our lips touched. I still smell his cologne, it stains my mind but remains my favourite smell. I remember his vinyl’s playing on his record player and how he held me all the way through the Sunday morning. The autumn sun blazing through his curtains and highlighting the dark room where we slept. Our palms placed against each other’s as the sun caught his face. It was magic. The way he skimmed my back and kissed every inch of my skin as if he was grateful I was lying next to him. The closeness reminded me I was human.
I recall the mornings after when I was lying next to him and I felt friendship more than just his body. I know the happiness I felt was real. It was true. I remember the laughter that filled my room of unhappiness but I forgot the pain in his arms. His fairy lights lit all around the bedroom as I sat on his bed. His gentle kiss upon my face was a reminder I was more to him than what I thought I was.
The day I read the message that wrote he loved me. I’ll never forget. Flashbacks to the night we kissed became my paradise. I belonged with him. The bedsheets were our clothes and he was my skin. At first we ****** then we fell in love. We would talk nearly all day until I felt tired and slept on his chest. He was beautiful. The moments we began to get ready in the mornings and he would catch a glimpse of me in the mirror. His arm draped around my neck as he smiled at us in the mirror, he would kiss my cheek, my head and my lips.
He was my winter coat for those cold nights in the city.
I wish I could say this was permanent but it wasn’t. Life called us for different paths but an encounter I’m grateful for. One day when my skin isn’t the same and my memory fades, I’ll hope I can cling to those memories that meant so much. Nothing lasts, life nor love, I remember he is not mine, he didn’t belong to me, he never will. I am not her but I did it for the loneliness I felt and honestly, I did it for my heart that he stole, I did it for him. It was always for him.

Crisp white duvet twists into self with pastel trees
I see the trails along the fabric with the bumblebees
Long haired brunette, printed t-shirt,
Watermelons and cherries, I watch them flirt
His arm tenses I watch his muscle animate
He yawns he says it’s getting late
She curls into him lays her head on his chest
They stay in a loving embrace while they rest
I’m sat beside with an empty space both in my head and heart
There is nothing for me but an end to another start
I watch, I observe I stay quiet as their murmurs fill this room
Their openness terrifies me, I store everything of myself in my stone tomb
Intimate touch I feel the electricity fly, it bounces from these four walls
Their feelings grow but like a ghost my tortured soul haunts these halls
Because I watch these two creatures share a moment we all crave
Then I look at my life and want to return to my loveless cave
In the mountains of solitude where I choose to reside
With no love no one by myside
I watch this innocence hopeful and true
Maybe someday the man I want will love me and I pray that I can love him too
Until then I’m in a bed made for three
I’ll keep fighting this war in my mind against me
Tangled together skin on skin hair through his fingers
My desperation and my needs stay to linger
Maybe I’ll have the same one day…………….
One day, I hope for a bed only made for two where I can forever lay.