Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with a color.

















Red...

I'll draw you a picture
I'll draw it with a twist
I'll draw it with a razor
I'll draw it on my wrist
If I do it correctly
A red fountain will appear
To take away my pain
To wash away my fear

Wish I could disappear
Been in the worst major depressive episode of my life this past month. I am triggered easily and I have so much anger and frustration and sadness I don’t know where to channel it all. I’ve lost 15 pounds according to my scale. Wondering if maybe I’ll just eventually shrivel up to nothing and disappear. What a relief it would be. #Depression #Suicide

Living with mental illness makes almost every single day a battle. Will we wake up and handle our stress or will our brains completely derail and make us want to give up? Will today be a good day or will we fall closer to rock bottom again?

We KNOW we have everything to live for (kids, family, friends, great jobs, etc.) and we ARE grateful for those amazing fortunes...but something always haunts us. We are always fighting to stay on top and to control how our emotions flow out. There is always a fear, however small and maybe even subconscious, that today could be the day that breaks us or that we fall back down from however far we've climbed. Its a constant, conscious effort to survive, let alone thrive. Some days are easier than others. Treatment and/or therapy helps, but we're never "cured". The demon can be tamed but never exorcised. This is us.

We are mothers, fathers, friends, coworkers, siblings, sons, daughters. We smile through pain. We cling to the smallest hopes and continue to climb.

So show some compassion. Give hugs and high fives when you're having a good day. Check on your friends who may be slipping. Help them up. Show them you care, don't just tell them. You could be the light in someone's darkness that brings them back to life. #Depression #Anxiety #Suicide #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe

love is not blind it sees more and not less but because it sees more it wants to hear less

there's not a cloud today
just a sky of blue
as the sun shines bright
it feels so new
as you walk down the street
you can see smiles around
it's looks like
everyone came to town
to enjoy the summer day

We're suicidal kids telling other suicidal kids suicide is not the answer.

Maybe in the world of Emojis
They laugh at their ignorance
Every time we send smiley faces
with sad intentions
We no longer laugh like humans
we just imagine laughter

The kids these days are cutting
They smile but feel nothing

The teens these days are starving
Their invisible wounds are scarring

They all are filled with self-hate
Because they feel like a waste of space

They lie awake all night crying
They say they're fine but are lying

Each day they feel like hiding
Because each night they dream about dying

They all fear they're seeking attention
Fighting a battle they dare not mention

But the parents never wonder
And the teachers never question
That maybe all the kids these days
Are suffering from depression

It's getting bad again, no one cares right.

I think of my best friend and know that she is the person who will be there for me, even when I can't be here for myself who will CHEER me to my greatest heights and who will console me when I've fallen down. She will STAND UP for me and LIE DOWN beside me. She will FORGIVE me when I've hurt her and will occasionally, even bite her tongue when she could have easily said " I TOLD YOU SO"

Because of my darkness I shine.
Because of my scars I am beautiful.

Razor Blade, Razor Blade
Let's Sing A Song
Let's Erase The Pain
Even Though It's Wrong
I'll Press You Against My Skin
And Wait For The Blood To Come
My Eyes Full With Tears
The ***** Deed Is Done
The Pain Is Gone
Even If It's Only For Now
As I Smile To Myself
And I Take A Little Bow
Razor Blade, Razor Blade
We Sang Our Little Song
And Now Your Time Is Done
Was It Really That Wrong

the gift of friendship

the gift of friendship is a priceless gift, that cannot be brought or sold,its value if far greater than a mountain of gold. for gold is cold and lifeless,it can neither see nor hear,and in the time of trouble it is powerless to cheer. it has no ear to listen,no heart to listen. it cannot bring you comfort or reach out a helping hand. so when you ask god for a gift,be thankful if he sends,not Diamonds,pearls or riches, but the love of a real true friend. PS: this is from my anthology. i hope you like it

A true friend accepts you as who you are
But also helps you to become who you should be

My depression get the best of me
Long nights I don’t rest or sleep
Jaw tight as I compress my teeth
Digest the devil pressin me
Repress the stress that rest in me
Death don’t ever pester me
Life brings on all the pressure see
I can’t even measure the little pleasures
why can’t I just Rest In Peace
I strive to never take my life
Hear voices from a gun and knife
Fake light for when my dark nights strike
But **** the light, give me a ladder
I’d rather fight and climb back to the surface
Search through all my pain for purpose
Learn to deal with the hurt and worthless
Help others in similar circumstances
Gives them chances in advance
To never glance on suicidal’s dance
#f ;ghter

Dear whoever reads this,

There is nothing for me here.I don’t want to go on. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Please believe me. I love you all so very much. And I don’t want to hurt you anymore.

Everyone say that you are meant to feel safe whenever you go to school. I don’t I have to work into expecting to get bullied and get **** written on the wall about me. I feel like no one loves me not even my own family. Death doesn’t even want me and that’s saying something.

I wish it was just as easy as saying One, Two, Three and I’d be gone.

I made so many memories with my friends and my family.
But this period of time has just been so ****. My family has started to fight more and has started to hate me more. As I sit in class wondering what I’m going to do at recess. Oh no that’s right I have to hide in a ******* bathroom to eat my food because I’m afraid what people are going to think about me.  

It *****… It really does… I’ve put my family through a lot… Maybe that’s why they hate me because I’m a fat, ugly, waste of space that no one wants.

I hate being judged I hate not having clothes that fit me and having to wear the same clothes for at least 2 weeks straight. I’m always going to school and getting letters home saying you owe the school more than $800. Dad says he is going to sort it out he’ll find the money but he never will. I’ve had all these thoughts pile up in my head now that I can’t even think anymore… I want it to stop.
I need it to stop cutting myself everyday is not just enough I need to go deep or hang myself or I could try overdosing again. Whatever I decide I know it’s for the best… I’ll miss you guys so much…Things just seemed to go too wrong too many times

Goodbye,
Hannah Field

Dear Dad,
I’m sorry I continue to disappoint you, I’m sorry I’ve changed. I wish we could rewind. I love you death and I will still love you after. But I just couldn’t do it anymore. Everyday became harder and harder(hey at least there will be two positives to my death your smokes will still always be there and you don’t have to put up with me always getting suspended and fighting you) I know you can’t understand and I don’t expect you to. And I don’t know what else to tell you expect I really am sorry but I know you won’t believe me. I’m sorry…

I restarted my medication recently because I hit the worst depression episode of my life. It got so bad that I had planned out, with cold, hard rationale, how I was going to **** myself.

The medication is helping somewhat. But it's also making me feel numb. I don't feel positive emotions anymore, if I feel anything it's the depression. I feel like an empty husk floating through life.

I don't want to live like this, I don't want to take the medication if this is how it's going to make me feel. However, I can't fight this alone. I don't know what to do.

We stopped checking under our bed for monsters
When we realized they were inside us

Train tracks and train lines is what I see
No obvious sign to stop me
One line crossed,
Another one stepped over
One gone right,
The other gone left
Lost in direction
No comfort or protection
Two more lines crossed
Another stepped over
Red rain drops now fall,
I'm now able to see them all
One more line to cross
No more to step over
Time to watch the rain fall
Fall on to each and every track
Train tracks and train line is all I see

A broken mirror
A bleeding fist
A sliver blade against my wrist
Tears falling down on lips UnKissed
Ignore her and she won't exist
She's not the kind you will come to miss

Death is only the beginning is all she could say
as she cried sliding the blade
tears rolling down her fragile face
she was beaten hard out of her grace
heartbroken words written on her goodbye
This is her goodbye

I feel like everyone hates me. But it's okay I hate myself to

Suicide doesn't take away the pain it gives it to someone else

I was looking at old pics of ours.
The memories we shared
The way we used to share our life
That way in which you cared
I want those days back in our lives
Without you I can't suffice
Coz I miss you my old best friend
Please come back to me

Sitting all alone with a broken heart
broken hopes broken spirits
everything is broken
why did you ruin everything?
what did I do wrong
I wanted to give my love
But all I did was lose my best- friend
and everything I love

They say follow your heart... But what happens if your heart is in a million pieces what piece do you follow

Silly little girl
Don't fool yourself
They've seen your scars
Just don't want to help
Little do they know
How much it could change
With three little words
" Are You Okay"

I'm in love with a girl.
She is so beautiful and so amazing
But she is also one of my good friends
It's hard to see her everyday
Knowing that I love her.
I hope she see's this I want her to know she make me happy she makes me who I am

If wild my breast
I bask in dreams in suicide
If cool my heart and high my head
I think how lucky are the dead

I wrote your name in the sky
But the wind blew it away
I wrote your name in the sand
But the waves washed it away
I wrote your name in my heart
And forever it will stay

Roses were red
Violets were blue
But now all flowers are dead and soon I will be too.

My heart has quit beating...
I have nothing else to share

I'm one bullet away from suicide
No one feels darker then me inside

You get hurt by people you don't even like
What you should know
You're wasting your emotion when you should be listening
cold wind blow holding hands with someone new
By the big old fellow ocean

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I really like garlic bread
I don't know how to rhyme

Old friends remain in life. Like a pillar of support, The part you played in my life. The way you strived, For me no one would do, I really love you coz you were my true friend. Life is cool with you because you don't pretend

Just a cut
Just a scratch
What's that Mark?
It was just the cat
Just an excuse
Just another lie
What's with all the bracelets
It's fashion why
Just a tear
Just a scream
Why are you crying?
Just a bad dream
But It's not just a cut
Or a tear or a scream
It's always just one more till you die...

Roses are red, Violets are blue
If he's busy on vd
The side chick is you

you tell me to quiet down cause
my opinions make me less beautiful
but I was not made with a fire in my belly
so I could be put out
I was not made with a lightness on my tongue
so I could be easy to swallow
I was made heavy
half blade and half silk
difficult to forget and not easy
for the mind to follow

I have nobody except you
But sometimes you just made me feel like
I'm just another girl
That kiss and tell
But ****
I need to talk to someone
Can't you see
That I have nobody
That I'm lonely
That I only accompanied
By my own thoughts
And sometimes
There Trying To **** You

When I'm gone what will you do
Who will write and draw for you?
Someone smarter- Someone new
Someone Better- Maybe YOU!!!

You are a work of art
The thing you have been through
Make you more valuable

When I saw your body for the first time
I realized how war torn you were
how many you battles you lost
on your wrists
on your thighs
how many fires occurred
on your sides
your lovely sides
and how many times I told you
I loved you because I do
because no matter how many times
you have lost the battle
you will always win the war