have you ever had that person
who means more than the world to you
and couldn’t get any more spectacular,
yet somehow is greater and greater with each passing day?

have you ever had that person
who you loved with so much of your soul
that you couldn’t believe was your best friend
and you just had to cry out of pure adoration for them and their existence?

everyone should have that person because i have that person and i never want to lose that person-even if their love brings tears to my eyes.

she is my person

She did not look burly from across the vast room
A crowd of thousands, but her blood stained blazer shined against the fixtures
An easy catch for the looking eye,
But deeper than the red that rolled off her shoulders
That waterfall flooded her chest and biceps
Not a crease nor a dent, a flawless exterior for a woman
To hide a healing girl

Tens of golden bands hugged her skinny fingers
Though she kept her left finger a clean slate
An offering? An assertion? A statement.
Left for the interpretation of ones not looking hard enough

Golden links swung back and forth across her chest as she swayed to the music
Weighed boldly by the sign of a higher presence
A facade to be accepted, not a belief condemning her sins
She pushed forth her sins just below the surface of recognition

Her eyes mirrored the soil far beneath her feet
Deep, leading straight to Earth's core, her core
The sole insight to her cry to be loved and not someone's lust

She built a fortress with those crimson walls
So the softness within could take a breath
A break short lived as it was approached by a harsh wave of blush
When she longed for the hidden intensity across the vast room
A woman draped in a deeper blue than the oceans they were yet to sail
Whose water could wash away blood stains
And expose a red louder than mackintosh, sweeter than red delicious

Those crimson then walls began to fade
Into a woman worth knowing what's hidden behind her walls

I thought I was going to find love wrapped in a woman's arms
     holding hands down every street
     falling asleep with her head between my shoulder blades and
     her arm across my stomach
     pecking kisses every single chance we got
     watching my every move with a stupid grin,
     but for me that wasn't enough

I thought I was going to find love keeping a woman above water
     serving the purpose of serving her
     receiving kisses only when she is in the mood
     holding hands down every hall
     faking a smile when she won't even try,
     but love has two sides and I matter too

I thought I wasn't going to find love
     nobody could fill my expectations of love
     so many contradictions that a solution wasn't clear
     there were things from both I still wanted,
     but I didn't know what to expect when I stopped expecting
     anything

I thought love was just one thing for everyone
     that how I felt was the same way everyone in love felt
     that love was more about physical contact than emotional
     connection
     that every love I would ever have would look the same,
     but it wasn't true

Because I found that love is so much more than that
     it is different for everyone and varies between partners
     it is complicated and intoxicating in ways I never could've
     imagined
     it is important to be able to talk with who you love and touch
     them often enough to never forget
     it is the most unnaturally natural thing about being human
And I found it in you.

She is going to hold me

          She is going to touch me

                    She is going to hold my hand

                              She is going to wrap her arms around me

                                        She is going to kiss me

                                                  She is going to sleep next to me

                                        She is going to show me physical love

                              She is going to give me what you never did

                     She is going to be everything I've always wanted

          She is going to do it better than you

She is going to be what you weren't,


                              BUT SHE WILL NEVER BE YOU

My mouth still goes dry when I see you
My breath still leaves my body when you pass me
My heart still skips when I see your face

Even though I can't be with you,I know I still need you near me,
But it's still so hard to see you knowing I can't have you.

My head still reminds me that I love you
My hands still shake when I think about you
My knees still give out when I hear your name

It's still so hard to see you after all we've been through,
But it's till hard to function knowing that I can't talk to you.

You still have my heart in your hands though I don't have your's
You can still control my every move and thought
You still have me wrapped around your finger at every word

I know that I can't have you, but I still want you. I know that you're no longer mine, but I am still your's. I know this hurts us both, but I still need to move on.

They always say that when you lose that person who gave your life color, everything just goes grey.
          There are distractions to give you a break from crying, but there
          are always dried tears sitting on your cheeks.
Those months spent opening up to the one person who knew you best, or, at least, you thought they knew you.
          It starts with shock, then shakes, then an overwhelming sadness
          to relief, but nobody ever says that relief quickly fades.
It's true when they say that sadness will fill every waking moment, but not that all you'll want to do is sleep that sadness away.
          It sounds stupid that food will lose its taste; it is, but nothing
          tastes the same anymore.
Now when anybody asks how you are, you say you're fine and getting better, but somehow saying that makes it hurt so much more.

Once upon an ignorant girl
She believed her life had hit its highest peak,
But she knew little, this ignorant girl
That this peak was the highest of the smallest summits
And she had already climbed mountains for the happiness she got
And it wasn't much.

Once upon a tired girl
Attempting to further her climb, but with no prevail
The higher she climbed, the further away the summit became
Though still she continued her stride up a never-ending mountain
Now with no reward except the heaviness and emptiness
That filled her life.

Once upon a hurting girl
Whose blindness was catching up to her reality,
But even still love did not let her in to see the truth behind the mask
When the blindness began to weigh like endless bricks
Bricks that coursed though her blood
Setting root deep in her veins.

Once upon a hopeful girl
That began to learn the truth behind her following
The following that left nothing pure in her life
It took her life away from others who needed it more
She was learning to learn for herself again
And think for herself again.

Once upon a bettered girl
One who has seen much more than her looks can describe
That knows all the wrongs that love had made
And can learn to love herself again.

Have you heard of the little girl
Who chased cute boys around the playground
Writing love notes
Asking if they liked her?
This girl who imagined herself a mermaid princess
With the heart of a wolf
Just to have fun
With her friends on the playground
Never thinking a second thought
Past how cute the boy on the swings was?

How about the girl in a new school
Where people are bigger than her
In more than one sense?
Walking through the halls
Looking at how well the girls grew
And she guessed the boys did too.
The girl who thought looking at both
Was what everyone did?
It didn't take long for her to realize
It wasn't.

Ever heard of the girl
Who saw her best friend in a new way
That she never saw before
That lasted years?
The girl who then entered another school
One with faces old and new
Some adults that felt more like brothers and sisters
With new faces of girls who were even more grown
Than any she had seen in a while
Oh, and a couple cool guys walking by?

Have you ever heard of the girl
Who tried to convince herself
That she was normal
Like every other girl she walked by,
But couldn't help but stare
At those passing girls?
This same girl
Who refused to believe
That she wasn't anything like what she saw around her
That she was still that same girl
Who chased cute boys around the playground,
But couldn't keep hiding
That in her head
She was chasing beautiful girls around the playground?

There's this girl
Who spent her whole life
Wishing to be normal,
But found herself happiest
Hand in hand
With her same kind.

She used to loom tall over the sea of shadows
Watching them wraith and squirm without purpose
Searching for an open soul to invade
Its dark arms reached for her,
But never did her strength waver

Suddenly a calm flooded the shadows below
They sat still, waiting. Watching.
And for the first time she shrunk, she weakened
With this the darkness grew more vicious than before
Jumping and scratching her knees
Bleeding to fill rivers
Bleeding the water red


She stared down at the shadows with unimaginable terror
All she could do is run.
So she ran from the darkness, but it was all to be seen
Aching and sweaty and exhausted she stopped running
Turning slowly to see the vast dark behind her
Now the shadows loomed gravely over her head
Instinctively she grew more terrified,
But this time their dark arms seemed inviting

This time she did not run
Running from something so massive was pointless
So she stood and stared up at the wave of shadows
And like all ways do, it finally crashed.
Taking her to the sea of endless night with it

And if she ever is given the tiniest glance above the shadows,
They tear at her scars, ripping her back beneath the surface.

Say for tonight...
That you won't leave me alone
To not hide the love you've always shown
And I don't have to wait for the ring from my phone

Say for tonight...
You'll turn off the light,
Slip into my sight,
And for the rest of the night hold me ever so tight

Say for tonight...
That you only want to stay
Because nothing else matters today
And pray and pray we will be together as it may

Say for tonight...
That once again we can take it slow
Lying around to watch our show
And to never feel another emotion so low

Say for tonight...
That you won't leave me alone
That you'll slip into my darkened sight
To pray and pray we will be together as it may
And to never feel another emotion so low

Whether it is the roof above my head or the one above my heart, I am home
With you I have found my home
A place I can turn to in need
A place I know that I will never leave
A place I trust, with everything
A place I can call home
Whether it stands before me or is waiting at the end of a twisted road
It is my home, our home
One I can count on
One I can lean on
One I can protect and provide for
One I can save
Whether it be a measly cabin or a towering mansion
It is one we have built with strong walls, unbreakable walls
They do not waver
They do not chip
They do not crack
They do not have an end, a fortress for only us
Whether it is old and rickety or new and shiney
Our home is a home, one we have built together
With our gentle working hands we've built a life together
So let's live in this home together
And may this house become our home
You are my home

My hardest times have frozen me
Hardened my outermost shell
Inside it is cold, painful, lonely
The souls of my feet walk upon shards of ice
Ice much like shining glass
A step is to crumble, with each I lose more faith
More and more until,
Suddenly I can no longer walk, I crumble
Shaking, shivering, waiting
The minutes, moments pass without the slightest notion or sign
Not a trace of notice in their eyes
My own does not even notice the pain
I do not wish to move, standing still pains me less
So I stand and stare with nothing but anguish
Full of utmost hatred, despair, loneliness, cold
Not until then do I realize it is cold still
Time as frozen as the ends of my nerves
Nerves that will never function the same again
Hatred for myself overrules and I redress,
Solemnly limping to an unseen comfort
I am in the presence of warmth but still I tremble
Ruined, an outer shell cracked and crumbling
I must fall, I do not wish to be alone, I am scared
I am cold, I feel a most dreadful sorrow, I cannot stand
I fall, but now you fall with me
We collapse and let our tears melt the ice
Not forever will my loneliness last and we can crumble together
My heart thaws, my chills subside, and hypothermia fades

Will you think of me?
...when you rest your sweet head on the comforts of your pillow
...when the pressure is too great and you cannot stand
...when the world you've always known crashes before you
...when you need a shoulder to cry on, a beam to support you
...when you're scared of the demons picking at your arms and legs,
   someone to protect you
...when it becomes hard to breath on your own
...when you need strong arms to keep you steady on your feet
...when drowning, sinking, is the only way you know how to cope
...when you can't live all alone anymore, someone to love you, hold
   you
...when the future is too unknown and you aren't allowed to see it
...when you need another half, a friend, a lover, a fighter
...when you want someone to stand beside you, to guide you
   through the pains
...when someone needs to show you that you're loved, very greatly
When will you think of me?

There are so many words lost in the gap between our hearts
A gap never so prominent, so widened
It has become a dead space of words we've left unsaid
One place in which we reside on our own
We mustn't share our thoughts, no longer the entitlement
So this leaves us to our own minds, a scary place
Of discomfort, confusion, sadness, one of love, lust, and loneliness,
But I pray one day again you will let me in
There was a time I was your person, let me be your person
Let me be your shoulder to lean on, I have two
Let me look you in the eyes and pull you to what is right here and now, in front of you
Let me take your hands and tell you everything will be fine if you just hold tighter
Let me pull you away from the edges of darkened hopes and dreams, depression
Let me show you the light of our forever tomorrow
Let me know what is eating you from the inside out
Let me stand in your corner, no matter what you choose
Let me show you how perfect you truly are, since you be too blind to see
Let me save you from everything out there, protect you
Let me love you,
But, please, let me stay

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly." - The Little Prince

The dark of a stormy night laces the glass with rain
With the tears of the sky I often feel on my own cheek
They remind me of a past from which only happiness was met with laughter
A time when cares had no care of me, I needn't any use of them
Until they were of immeasurable angst and despair
And all at once again the cares laid only on me
Had lost my other half, the stability, to this unseen tether to our wrists
We became of a broken outer shell that hold these bonds still against our will
A bond so strong as to be named love, they call it
Further deepened by thoughts of most work, not of joy
They lack of joy and overflow one's hopelessness
And now find myself in loss of words over anew
Some deepest and ever truest love plays still in my mind
While a mere interest rears its intriguing beauty towards I
A temptation much too strong to deny, yet much too forbidden to name
I mustn't be one to have one and long for another,
But a love ever too fond and an interest ever too deep
A choice of a rightly heart over that of my mind

Stood in the deep
Nowhere to go and no place to call home
No one behind me
Lack of support all in sight
Too small to be seen
Standing in high waters

The restraints of depression creep closer
Inching the space of air ever smaller
At a loss of breath
My last hopeless breath
Then a teaching hand revived me
From the dangers of high waters

Hands of gentle strength hold me tight
They hold me higher
Above the collapsing walls, even if they consume him
He is distracted by my image and I of his
His beautiful image raises me
From the depths of high waters

Now these hands that once held so tight,
The hands of one who saves, a savior
They have begun to fall
I cannot bare the image of losing them
I try to urge closer,
But drown under the walls of high waters