And again, it feels like my entire world is crashing down
But deep down, I know it will get better
Hurting myself will make it worse
I'll steadily go back up

I did nothing but protect you; When you were younger but much more dumb
If that’s possible to be more guliable and easily pesauded, did you forget about the men I protected you from?
But you couldn’t do the same for me, you ate up every word they spoke; ignored my cries about the monster you had become
It is a terrifying thing when you can toss your motherly instincts away, forget your children and be numb

I felt bad for my poor momma
I felt so bad
But I realized that if I only worried about her
Who would worry about me

He punched me last week
And told me that he was joking and that's between me and him
My friends saw and helped me break it off yesterday
Today is my eighteenth birthday
And I am nothing like my mother

The lone mockingbird traveled the earth in one night
Crisp, cold winter air rippled through her grey feathers
She wondered how anyone could look so lifeless and feel so cold
She flew past the pig farm, past the morgue
Past the stench, the open-concept
She dreamt of a world unkept
Peace, where wilderness grew
No money spent
The greed of people intercept
When sweet mockingbird flew across the ocean
She peered into the water to see her own reflection
But could only see garbage and one man's treasures strewn across the murky, once blue waters
She wonders if she could cry enough, maybe she could refill them
Clean the seas, the deep rich earth
The wind and breeze
This is what the mocking bird sees
Please, keep her safe

Certainty  fuels the masses, the hordes of love-sick girls trapped in the misery of longing
I’m not certain of anything in this life, what of myself with my long dreadfully tangled hair and dull sinking eyes
The only clarity I have at this moment is the certainty that I feel for you
Happy is nothing more than accelerated heartbeats, strained under the weight of your own decaying body
Breathing heavily, in hushed whispers. Sweet nothings, then silence
What will happen when I finally break? will the feeling still be there?
The intensity of two humans at the brink of unconsciousness, only a zombie-like state can be of explanation
Maybe I am just a romantic of foolish proportion
Say stop and I’ll catch myself slipping into a cocoon of my own blanketed warmth, undercover, under investigation
There is nowhere to hide when you are stripped bare
When I am ready to plummet, I  will
I won’t say anything, because at that moment nothing will be needed
Right now, I’m not sure if I’ll wake

Chest pain is an agony that only ice-cold water can soothe
A chicken scratch throat, sore from the coughing only misery brings
My heart tells me to leave without you, to never ride along with you
When I feel like the person I once was is a ghost, a person long forgotten by this shell of an empty shallow being
Who looks in the mirror to see her own ghastly reflection each morning and thinks to herself if only this were the last time
The last time, she’d have to see this face, this body
Hear the broken vocals this shell can utter
It gets unbelievably easy to isolate yourself from the people you once thought held the world for you
Now you wouldn’t mind decaying before the ones you love as long as it meant that the spiral would end
Bottling fireflies in your belly, locking the key, burying it deep
It’s easy to be alone, it’s easy to shut everything out
But so incredibly difficult to say so

Locked into each other's arms
Passion burning in the pit of my stomach
We slow danced to Conway Twitty
As we stared into each other's eyes
I’ve never felt so secure
As our hearts wandered past the sea
Now all I know all need is to be with you
To touch you, talk to you
Stare into those deep meaningful brown eyes
And know that so much happier times are coming

Feeling safe in someone's arms
So comfortable
And free from the worlds prying eyes and pressures
I’ve never felt like that before
You make me feel like that
And I can’t get enough
I can’t get enough of you
I’ll wear your sweatshirt forever
Because it’s yours and smells like you
I’ll miss you every second
I love everything about you
I love you

Linoleum, single white floor tile
Stare at the ceiling for three hours
Follow me round the bend
To make sure I’m taking care of myself
When things got hard, free-flying into hard mattresses slamming cold, white catch yourself doors
Looking out the big barred window to see the humans below you who haven’t been caught not coping with their feelings yet
When the scratching started and didn’t stop until the clock struck six
Maybe it was the med cart that saved you that day
Shadows flicker in the dim light that glows to remind you that you are cared for, but only if you ask
You’re thought of only if reminded
You’re a priority but remember there is always someone else openly slamming that door while you lie and say you’re fine
You must believe I will get better to be with me
You must believe in me to be around me
Don’t spread your doubt about what you don’t know
To poison my tired mind
Because I am trying
And that’s all I can promise you

When has life ever been fair?
Sandstorm, stomp the ground
Scream! Get it all out
Anger and devastation has to come out
And you’ll be okay
I promise
Keep trying <3 ‘

Mommy, nothing about the way you raised me was normal
It hurts me to think out of everyone you may have hurt me the worst
Because you allowed me to think it was normal
You put me in ****** situations at an extremely young age
Momma, I was four
This was before Dad died
He was on top of you and I was on top of him
If it didn’t happen then why do I remember the PJs i was wearing?
Why do I remember how sweaty he was and how the tv was going?
I remember it was late and my sister was sleeping in her room
Why should I have to explain this to you?
I know you remember
I always thought it was normal how you let me look and touch your body
I was six or seven, I was curious about what I was always exposed to
It made me uncomfortable that you would always talk about how you loved my *******
I told you this
I will most likely never tell
Because I am scared of the men you exposed me to
But I am more scared of you
I thought that you’d never hurt me
But nothing about the way I was raised was normal

She only listens to Nirvana and The smiths
Drinks black coffee and replaces every meal with a nicotine puff stick
Manic pixie dream *****
Changes your dull life and gives you that eccentric fix
Her dyed hot pink hair and split ends show she’s mentally unattached
Dependency on the broken, beautiful things living in conservative ghost towns
Rich, white, handsome, boring catch
She’ll always leave because, in the end, you are not what she needs
And you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting the words you so freely spouted
Remembering the lessons she left you when she disappeared

Sweet Tea wrote 3 months after I turned 15, 2018


Before you, I was a girl devastated by things I couldn’t change
Trapped in an endless bitter reality from which there was no escape
Sinking into a dark, spiraling well, from which I reached my hands and found a pool of light
You were my light, a haloed sunshine angel, who graced me with his presence for what seemed so long and ended so abruptly
The sound of your voice seemed to be honey, so sweet, attracting the bees, attracting me
My sunshine sweetheart, angel lover You’ve done your time so now you can leave
Why would you want to stay with me? I’m only a cement brick that will bring you down
A loose thread that will tear you down, a yammering parakeet who will wear you down
One time you told me that I thought too  highly of you
How couldn’t I? With someone who made me feel so confident with my body, somebody who praised me, someone who thought I was worth their time at least for the time being
In a way it’s better that you left, you’ll never be forced to see what I had to see looking in the mirror hating every inch of myself, hating the way I acted, and the way I interacted with everyone and hating the way no one seemed to like me
But you liked me, but it’s better this way because I’m a letdown
It’s Like when you thought you had bought sweet tea
But it’s actually unsweetened



The new version
Sweet Tea wrote 1 month before my 18 birthday, 2021

Before you, I was a girl alone
Being molested every day by the people who said they would take care of me
I was a fourteen-year-old girl who was taught at a young age to get yourself a man to save you
So I tried everything to keep you because talking to you distracted me from the fact my fourty-year-old stepdad was touching me
But what I definitely didn’t need was a twenty-year-old man messaging me
Telling me all the things he wanted to do to me
When the law would finally unclaim me and allow me to give someone a part of me he doesn’t deserve
You made me feel so much more alone
Somebody who told me he’d touch me
But instead of giving me what I’ll need he’ll leave
“Lick me up like an ice cream cone” huh Luke?
yes I thought highly of you
Because you made it seem like you’d never hurt me
You were the biggest disappointment
You always will be

Seconds seem to last hours when I’m around you
It’s not a bad thing, it’s like the entire world stops and yields to our time
Like the hourglass freezes and it’s just you and me
Intertwined, slow dancing in the dark kitchen apartment
Trust in me because I believe in you
You’ve taught me there’s more to men than ruthlessness
You’ve shown me patience and gentleness I had yet to see to believe

I am only half yours
My lover
The other parts of me are in recovery
Healing
Please forgive me
Body
Please understand, love

The first time hit me like a fast-moving pickup truck
Speeding down the highway
I was always an obedient girl, I listened when I was told no
So why couldn’t he?
Pictures would show, adolescent depression
Fragile youth shadowed by absent lies
As my world caved through I believed in myself enough to write
I could never write in a diary or make things seem like they were about me
Him, me or him
Poetry saved me
I’ve never been able to write an autobiography
This may be as close as I’ll ever far
This is me
This is my story

Black nail polish
You’re a scream away from what you started
He wanted the flower girl you used to be
Years later you’ll dress like that girl
So angry at the world
Hopeless
I’ve grown from the anger
Now I sit in a field of lilies
And I don’t dream of what my life would’ve been like if he didn’t like flower girls
I’m comfortable in the silence that is now my brain
No more screaming

It started again in July
The warm weather could never lift my spirits
As I have always been cold from the inside
Out, let me out
I’ve been trapped in a snowstorm since I was nine
Shivering in the warmth from the ice in my veins
The tsunami started in the school bathroom
After following my sister to the bathroom after dinner time
Night after night peeking through the cracks
To see her methods
The acidic volcano laid dormant inside me for a couple of years
Until I began to grow
Sprouting towards the sky like a sunflower
All I could think about was my waist
I hated it, I tried every method to destroy myself
And the monstrous overgrowth that devoured my forever changing body
Until one day I didn’t feel how hungry I was
The growling was silenced
All I could hear was her harsh voice droning me through
Take another step, don’t fall down
115 pounds of pure solid ice
The way down my throat is slippery
My fingers thin bunched together for the warmth that they could provide each other
Water is the only thing that comes out
The voice still haunts me
And somedays I wonder why my garden of a body had to be denied of sunlight
When I embraced the freeze
And hurled my body through
Body, I am so sorry

All I've wanted to do these past days is just lie in my bed

My mother always envisioned me as the cheerleader
The pretty pink skirts and teased hair with a bow
She made me do little husky cheer every year until fourth grade
When I finally told her I couldn’t stand it
Instead, I grew into a poet
Writing about her but putting it in a way she wouldn’t know it
I wonder if she is mad at me for not exceeding her expectations
I wonder if she is mad at me for telling my story

Sometimes I hate myself for the way I stared back at him in fear
I hate myself for how scared I was
Now I’m stronger than ever
But then again
He was really angry
And I was really young
He scared me, he truly did
But now I’m older
And I know now
He is just a coward

**** her!
I was scared
She was an adult
I was 10
I was 11,12,13,14
15!
I grew up being molested
I grew up in fear
She’s the one who put me there
Who kept me there
Why?
If she was so scared why didn’t she try to leave
She didn’t even try once
Because she loved him more than me
She didn’t care what was happening to me

Bible thumping
Whipping black leather belts across tender, young skin
Snakebite flesh
One-touch you can’t forget
That’s gentle
Almost cautious
Testing your limits
How long you can go without flinching
Two men, two hells
Trust yourself enough to scream
Fall back and notice that everyone was watching
That you weren't stuck in an unchanging time capsule of pain
Where minutes seemed to last hours
Your hands and legs shook from fright
Shocked, blasted into an everlasting hell
Scream
Louder than him
Run, faster than the truck he uses to take you away
Because you are more worthy than every second he kept you from being happy

My body is decaying with the knowledge that I can’t make it in the world
I wake up after a good twelve hours, aching and weak my only thought, you
I hear your voice in my head drilling me to walk up the stairs again
You tell me every day that you complete me that without you I’d be nothing more but the girl who was miserable with her body
The fat sausage finger girl who couldn’t fit in size twelve jeans
But with you, my dear Ana you’ve helped me drop 30 pounds in four months
I’m in love with you ana, you and your best friend Mia
I am a gray sky, and you are my storm
Lighting and thunder, my stomach roars but I can only hear your voice urging me forward
I eat at home, I take long walks alone
I have a notebook full of excuses that sleep under my bed
My room is a disaster, plates, and cups galore
I am disgusting, I’m hoping that when I reach my goal all of my flaws will fall away
I will be exactly like the pretty, skinny girls I see all around me
I’m cold all the time, it reminds me of when I got locked out in the middle of winter
I walked miles going forward seemingly nowhere
My coat taut fastened across my thin chest
But I was shivering, the unknown frightened me
But now I know where I’m going
You lead me with your deathly bone-thin hand
Outstretched arms you pull me in
My monstrous overgrowth devouring you
You squeeze me until all of the fat melts away
Until I am skinny
Until I am bone
Until I am nothing

I didn’t need to be strong
I was a child
He knew better
I didn’t know what was going on

Soft lips curl into mine
Your hands caress my face
I can’t get enough of you
We talk for hours
But I just want to see you in person
And be with you always
Maybe that’s weird

I used to want him to love me
So I'd pretend that he was my dad
Now I know that his kind of love was wrong
He was very evil, very bad

He used to tell me that my mother didn’t love me
He used to tell me that no one would ever love me if I didn’t change who I was
The molestation was bad but that was not the worst
He terrorized me for years
I was told I didn’t deserve privacy
That my body was not my own and he had the right to look if he so chooses
He followed me and my mom to groceries stores screaming that we spent too much money
Or he would call her on the phone
We were terrified that he would follow us home
Scream at us, with pitted balled fists
Slamming on kitchen counters
Kicking the door frame until the door won’t shut anymore
Criticizing me until I couldn’t stand it anymore
Calling us stupid, worthless
I’ll never forget the day I ran away on my bike
I could see his truck passing by so I hid from him
Then when I was on my way back he got in my face
Like he was going to push me or hit me
His face was so red and his eyes slanted in fury
He lifted my bike over his head then threw it in the back of his truck
I hurried into the back so he wouldn’t have time to touch me
He screamed at me in the truck
Asking where I was
Demanding an answer
I lied and I hoped he wouldn’t notice
He did everything he could to scare me
Some nights I would hear a car driving past
I would be so scared that it was him
I would stay up the entire night just to make sure it wasn’t him
How do I prove that it was fear
How do I prove to a jury of my peers
That I was afraid he would **** us one day
How do I tell you how scared I was
Why doesn’t my mom believe me about the ****** abuse
She was there!
She knows how my legs would shake as I heard him approach the door
How does she not believe me?
She was scared of him too
She knew about certain things
Not the worst things
But that should have been enough
For her to leave him
How do I prove to my mother that it happened
How do show her how scared I was

Yellow lights flash
Why won’t you stop
I was there
You weren't
You can’t tell me I didn’t see what I did
You can’t tell me it didn’t happen
Because I was there
I know sides of him you never did
I know the evil
I know the coaxing
The “is this alright”
You didn’t see how I shook
When I stood there and didn’t say anything
When I wished you wouldn’t have forced me to go
Because he was not my husband
He was yours
I wish I never even met him
I wish I never met you

Where did you go?
sleepless night my mind where you are
Fluorescent street lights flicker while my eyes won’t stay shut
Soft grass beneath my feet
I’ll fly into your arms
My heart is aching
I don’t know how to make it stop
Everything you do is so magical
Concrete, scrapped knees
I’d feel better if I knew you believe

Cascading waves of uncertainty
I wonder if I am nothing more than a warm body
If I gave it up too soon
Sweat, the heat under the blanket
If he loves me
If he could love me
Why am I so attached
I hate myself for my dependency
Please fall in love with me
If not please break my heart
I’d probably let you

I had all of you
Some of you
Then none
I’m haunted by the memory of you
I can feel him slipping through my fingers
Once again I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten attached
Because I’ve given my heart already, he doesn’t know

Does he feel the same way I do?
Am I a fool?
Does he want to see me again?
Do I make his heart race like he does mine?
Why can’t I just know what he’s thinking
I can’t stop thinking about when we were curled together
My head on his chest
I wonder if he felt relaxed
Safe, calm
Loved for the time being
I think he is slipping away
I hope not

Can love fill this void?
That I seem to sink into every Monday
The long weeks ahead of me
Before I just wanted to sleep
Now I want to be with you

I’m wondering if he had as much fun as I did
Did his breath draw in with anticipation
When I touched him
Did his skin cells dance to the sound of his rapid heartbeat
Were his fingers curled as I kissed him
Are his feelings growing
Strong like the path I imagine for us
I wonder if he thinks of me
Every second like I do him
Does he bite his lip and sigh when he thinks about what we did
When we were intertwined
Two loves of a lifetime
I wish I knew what he is thinking about

I think somethings going to happen
I’m not sure what it is
Good, I hope
If it goes badly I know I’ll be sad
But at least I can say it happened
Because what’s real is real
If you can see and hear
I’m ready, break my heart

Hold on
I’m not ready yet
To fall
To fly
I’m not ready to die
Maybe somedays I am
But right now
I’m stuck in the here and now
Not ready to hear how
I’m stuck here

I’d rather starve than eat something without knowing the calories
Count them
One hundred, two, three
Miraculously you’ve found something healthy
Honey, nothing about this is healthy
Mini rice cakes aren’t a meal
You’ve gone so long without eating something real
Watered down excuses, bent over the toilet
Foggy eyes, clear skies but you stay inside
There’s nothing normal about this
No matter how many forums you find
You will always be nothing but the girl who doesn’t eat lunch
You’ll always be the fat girl trying to cut weight
You’ll always be thin fingers and 5 calorie gum
Dropped 20 pounds and still can’t fit into size 12 jeans
Struggling staying in the 160s
You are not a success story
You’re lazy, you’re not doing this the right way
Stop just stop
Because you’re not going anywhere
Stuck on the scale

Happy enough to dream you

Before I was scared that if I stared into his eyes
That I would be afraid again
That all my therapy and lessons I’ve learned
Would mean nothing and I would be manipulated once again
But instead, when I looked into his eyes I didn’t see the intimidating anger
The punishments, the fury
I saw a coward trying to scare me one last time
He looked really pathetic in his suit sitting next to his lawyer
Graying and thinning away
From the stress of his actions
I’m not scared anymore
I know what real love is now
I’m not alone anymore
And he can’t take anything away from me anymore

The truth about monsters is that they look like real people
They will disguise themselves as your uncle or your stepdad
Or your too-friendly neighbor, a wolf in sheep's cloth
They will ask you to come over, and you will without thinking
Because they just seem so nice
And you’d never expect something to happen to you
But as soon as the doorway opens and they get the first chance
They will bite into your skin, leaving deep scars to last you a lifetime
Blemishes you will have to hide in case someone will ask how you’re doing
Excuses he has made incase you shout
That it wasn’t him, he cares too much, why would he do something like that to you
When he is just such a nice guy
Nobody believes you at first when you tell on him for the not so nice thing he did to you
Because nobody wants to believe he’s a monster
Instead, they will cast blame to you
Well, why were you there? What were you wearing?
You must have done something, because why else would he want to insert himself in your life so much

Conflict in the weight
Conflight in the girl
Who just ate chicken
Too much chicken on an empty stomach
She gained two pounds
On a scale made for just right
No mistakes

Daylight breeches cowered mugshot eyes
Crackling lips, pop rocks turn tornado teeth
Leaving a disaster in its pearly white place
No one ever thinks the way I do
When I said no no one listened
Or stopped to think about how I was doing
Now I lay in this tomb unable to move
Dishes piling up higher than my mother’s withered expectations
Somedays I wish a magical creature called love would move my desolate feet
Commandments from a voice strong yet gentle
Carrying my timidness into another realm of being
Of being confident and peaceful

My mother's second husband gave her a fern plant when they got married
It was a symbolism of their love, my mother killed it in a couple of days
Because she didn’t want to put in the work of watering it
Or maybe she tried too hard and smothered it with affection
I can’t remember which because I was young
That fern heard many arguments while it laid wilting, forgotten
It heard the screaming, the mockery
The crying, “please don’t leave me”
It heard her using her children as shields against her angry husband
To protect herself from the screaming agony
Pitting red balled fists against the whimpering adolescence
While my mother huddled in a corner out of her body
The fern rotted for weeks on our front porch
No one to check on it, to see if it was still breathing
To make sure that everything was okay
It wasn’t, the love fern was dead
Maybe it could’ve been happy if it went to a different family

Late night on the phone
But he never seems too far away
My heart tears in agony
Softly screaming
The sound of his voice is reassurance
He’s here
My heart is jumping again

I feel your presence in the air
Through and though I’m on my way
Marching forward till the morrow
I’m almost there, love
No walls can hide you
Because I can sense your quickened heartbeats
Matching in time to the harp of drum
I can see you now
Staring out the glistened window
Down, down your golden hair
Fair skin, gold like wheat
Pale like snow
I’m here below
Call out your name
From tired eyes to lipstick coated teeth
Rouged cheeks, turn to see me leave

Cry me a river
until windswept tears pour down your reddened cheeks
This is to the girls who feel everything
The girls who know how it feels to have your heart abandoned and left for dead
Who takes each step with a shattering breath, moving backward instead of towards her goal

Manipulation is the root of all evil
Greedy words to get what you want
Always achieving, hurting other people

Bruising the eye of the beholder
She means nothing to me
When the only thing I care about is you
Betrayal is lost in the abyss we call our lives
I never meant to hurt you
Can’t you see I did this for you
Don’t you know, that I did this to make you stronger
I did this to protect you
This wasn’t to hurt you
I swear I never meant to leave you there alone