I love him I miss the one that was so into me the one that is happy to hold my hand happy to spend time with me
I feel alone again
I feel sad and hurt and lost
I don't know how to make him want me like he use to
To make him excited to be in love with me
Now I'm just
A side burner
I. Just a reason to avoid me. I bring up the thoughts in my brain and you get mad and say I want all I want to do is fight
I am trying to te 'll you how I feel
But a you see is me trying to cause a fight
I'm broken
I'm scared I'm losing you
And that is the last thing I want
I we t us to go back the the happy couple we were
And its breaking my heart its ripping my heart open
Its making me hurt so deep
Its starting to be like I'm just someone you hate being around
Someone that you want to get away from someone you want to not be with and that is crushing me and I'm devastated and I don't know what to do or what to say ..
I could just die today and it wouldn't phase you a bit
That there is the fear in my mind all the time
The thing I think about
And don't dare to talk about
Cuz you will just tell me to shut up or accuse me of talking to someone that is the way you get me to be so upset
You have no idea how much I secretly cry. How much i hurt inside
How much i pray to God that I'm not about to lose this important relationship this special part of my heart that isn't ever gonna be the same this memory that instead of being a happy one it will break my heart every single time I thing of it

The heartbreaking hours before our sweet undeserving pooch took his last breath.  June 6th, 2020 at 2:30 am.
My significant grief isn't exactly going to go away that quickly. My tears are unavoidable.
Now everything feels bizarre and empty.

Im Grateful

Danger danger my gears are grinding
My thoughts are cycling
I know what this means
To knowingly choose to engage
In this thought process is to
Accept defeat and to do that is
Unforgivable

guilty tears fall as I stare
onto canvas of the past
heart wretching memories
flood my mind.. not sure how to cope with my New found real raw emotion
allowing it to sink into my soul ..not avoiding it or covering it up with poisons
proving to myself... Im actually human.. no reason to run!

Lesson learnt the hard way
Seems to be the only way that I can get it through my head
This is true
Its said
Tough love
I've been fed!
Change was only found
When I
Decide to change
That is how it always rains
I let My chains come off
Now Im free

Why was I Cursed
With these emotions
Having to feel every emotion
So deeply
Making me weak
In so many ways
Loving anyone ends up
In pain, heartache
That rocks me to the core
Makes me sore
Wears me down
Cuts me deep
I actually wish
It wasnt true
Because now
Im stressed
Pushed me
To the point
Were I wish I could care less
Find some drugs
Help dull it
They work the best
God how I hate it
Because now Im a nervous wreck.

So I am a beautiful, intelligent, creative and strong woman.
Anyone that gets to be a part of my life is privileged and should be honored to be there,
so I'm going into 2019 with a simple but honest truth.
I will overcome, I will better myself and I have no fear because I will raise above all these troubles!!
I'm a warrior woman (HEAR ME ROAR)

Currently,  there has been so much craziness going on, that I don't have a clue what is really happening in my life.

How dare you judge,
Actually assume
Im a fool
My life is so ****** up
And you seem to think .. we are suppose to maintain a
Decent amount of communication
Your not suppose to be a burden to ask outlandish questions,
Stating that my reasons for not speaking all day long or when you see fit. To outright you're wrongs.
Your making a mockery of my trust in you.
A ****** off plan of public view if you want me to gravel at your feet rewrite the songs that you plan to speak the heart in which you hold my jaw a moment of rich as ever your wrongs every outkast at work and every mind over matter

I'm not in pain glad to be out of the rain you were never shelter you were just a memory I was supposed to get have a lesson learned now it's past never going to give you a chance to see me cry I'm not no baby cuz I'm a warrior I'm no victim I'm a hard-headed Soldier and opinionated woman with the attitude don't **** around with me cuz I'll give you no choice but to go I'm never going to sit here and cry alone cuz you didn't do what you thought you did you didn't make me less than you I've learned a lesson because of you I can live on I can be happy I've moved on no more ******* no more lies I don't have to deal with you making me cry I'm a better person now.. I  will put a tattoo of this day a memory of why I'll never stay don't settle for less than you want because it is ******* guaranteed never need to flaunt!

**** it throbs
My ***** gets moist.
Oh how I wish
To get eaten tonight

My desire is high my thoughts
Array
My hopes of pleasure
Makes me sway

******* are like fine wine
As you start to make me
Grind
My hips are bucking my back goes arched
I start to squirm
My *** now explodes
My juices now drip down your face

You look up at me and say
My goddess how I love your taste
May I have the honor of pleasuring you in every way
Why sure thing my dream guy

Oh how I crave your tongue
I know you want some
Come on do your thing
My how I love this game.

Shiny bright sparkling thoughts come BURsting my head.

      A reason to be strange!!!

Loud ..

        Obnoxious..
          Little BRAT ..
OH of a MATTer of FACT.......!!


That's my bipolar personality
You either fall madly in love with me or maybe hate me cuz I'm crazy!!!

Injecting magic into my veins
It's a  little bit like playing with fire
The monsters come out
They seek and find ways to
Poison your thoughts
And make you distraught
Awake but not in reality

In this war
   With my inner demons
I fight just to have Space in my own
Head for a few seconds
is difficult to find
Myself..
This fear
This torture
I hide my face

Ashamed at my
Disgrace
I fear
Im drowning
But it seems
No one
Cares to save me
Im lost


This deep addiction
My self infliction
My own worse enemy

Treading thru troubled water
With dangerous tides
My heart feels like quicksand
And I can't swim
Looks like the demon strikes again.

So ****** off
I know you
Don't even care
Im so messes up
Filled with despair
I seem to look for sadness
Its everywhere around
in my heart,mind and Veins
Madness a ever sinking ship
Empty heart
Broken soul
****** off in so many ways
unsure about what to do uncomfortable
Unhealthy
Unhappy
In this Darkness
That torn me down
waves of defeat increase
A Weird phase
As a Creepy grin crosses your evil face
It Cuts me deep
Im not the same anymore
My Tormented life
Scarred n bruised Im disgust my
By my  brain.

Easily sedated thoughts trapped in a collapsing world of overdosed reality.
It all begins when I inject myself with the drug with my needle too intense to notice I'm just heading into a vacant empty Hollow world.
The pleasure exploded into my bloodstream the magic feeling of translations for goals of energy are floating through the air come alive or maybe I think I am mostly a choice only God decided the numerous days return 2 weeks not sure what I'm doing some weeks my habit gets sporadic spontaneously I lose myself in this hell
Demonic love for this drug
I'm weakling I misplaced my reality hoping for a better tomorrow I gave myself away lost my hopes and dreams disappeared into this drug now I will be haunted forever by the memory of what I could have choice but didn't .

Somewhere in this world is the
Reason ..
I get mind ****** If I had no skills
He wouldn't still be with me
I'm sure of it ..
Selfish to think
I was really that important

Actualy quite the opposite
My tongue is just the Reason to
Pretends he cares

I'm just a waste if time
He says he doesn't deserve me


Maybe I am just a battle ship
Waiting to sink
Over speak and over. Think
Pitiful to think I was better then
Her .. He whorshiped the ground she walked on .. I will never stand a chance
She will always rule the shadows of my relationship
Taunting hiim


He could have her but got stuck with. Me
Im so bitter to say things
lashing out of anger
But I feel as if I'm just tge second choice cuz he couldn't have her

It seems like my mind is finally back in control
Like I figured out I don't need that filthy drugs in my life anymore
The reasons I've had to throw my life
Away have become pitiful and selfish
I have been seeking my high power
And He has shown me
That I have the power in my mind and with his guidance
I the strength to say no more
I want to better myself everyday
And maybe soon I will have the courage to make contact with the
Right people and back to work on being a good mother and actually
Putting forth effort to get my youngest back in my life and maybe
Someday with the right support system Get to visit and see my other two baby girls as well as my son.

This disarray in my head
is a unhinged reality.

Everything's unstable  
The plans become void
As always enabling each other, a destructive cyclone of dysfunctional
Life.

You have got my heart stuck in a moment of bliss,
If my voice doesn't speak
My thoughts they will leak on to bleached paper.
Behind the covers of this spiral notebook lays my hidden secrets and treasures ..
Chained to their pages
These tears are my imprints in my life
Theses very heartstrings are the fibers that keep my soul interacted!

Sometimes the world wants to watch as you fall,  
but you got to get up and pull your big girl ******* up try again and again.

dont hesitate

I am so lonely, so tired of sleeping alone
I want to be wanted, not used and disposed
Sick of feeling like guys only want me to fulfill their needs
Lies and decent
What is the point of trying to find LOVe
When all I seem to find is the ones that
Just need a piece of *** or are wearing a mask
Soon it will all be revealed
Pushed out of their minds didn't even phase them
A waste of time...

The silence weighs heavy on both of them
He still loves her and she loves him
They once thought they could tame the wind
Now it's a struggle to just be friends
They still go to sleep together every night
But they're no longer holding on tight
Their passion was of a strong desire
Now just watching the embers of a once roaring fire
She lays awake and silently cries herself to sleep
And he lays awake with a pain that is deep
They both hold on despite the way they feel
Trying to make believe that it isn't real
They do nothing but watch love fade
No longer the queen of hearts no longer the ace of spades
They sit in silence with their hearts twisting in the wind
Trying to find away to put the pieces back again
Both wonder if they've reached loves end
No longer lovers and no longer friends
They wonder if that's the way love goes
And now with that distance they seem more like foes

Scary things that reek havoc
In my life seem to form in a instance
Not giving me a  chance to seek a place to hide

My heart is breaking
My hands are shaking
Mentally naked

Everything begins to cave in
Melting my ways to seem whole
Deluding my positive mind
Narrowing  my  choices
Reasons to write a knowledge
I know that  saved  my soul
To have in me the power to grow
Stronger a pen and paper
Make me feel really great
Now I don't have to worry about
Leaving my life without being remembered as the caterpillar
That turned her sadness into muticolored life .. now a butterfly
To fly away from the scary things

Syrup drips slowly off a spoon triggers a memory at the back
Of my mind fills up like boom
I cough and think my god
Its real..
I stand up straight
And realize its fate
My magic filled rig
Turned into a snake
Tries with all its might to bite
But who you really think is gonna win this fight
I been wishing you were feeling better than this
Now you've done
Why like this
Because its such a easy fix
**** you really did it now
Opened up a wound
And won't back down
Rotting your mind
You'll end up in the ground
But what joy I truly feel
X marks the spot
At least I will have my last magic filled night
Before the devil comes
And takes my life

Lost in this haze,
Going with the flow
But stuck in a maze
One way out
But stuck in this phase
Chaos growls loud but
No strive in my ways

Ya right
You did it again
Messed it all up
I don't know where to begin

I miss the way you loved me,
Will I ever know that love again?
I wasted my energy on drugs and gambling problems, when you waited for me.. I was to busy fulfilling my selfish to do list..
Now realizing  what I had .

Oh my god I wish I could erase the past..
Redo the damage done
Think through the things I didn't know. .  I thought  that it would never be a different kind of truth

Facing reality I realized I'm burnt.
No more unconditional love from my sweetheart Eric.

His tears were over he wasn't going to take this anymore. He decided I'm not the one .. he didn't want to hurt any more. .

I broke his heart and seemed not to care and when my heart decided to try and can't seem to fight the tears I now cry..

I never fear the monsters under my bed the ones Under the Stairs or the ones in the closet . The fear I'm willing to deal with is the monsters in my head you see they eat at me causing me grief.

Yes it's undenying the truth is underlining the monster is actually me I have had this piece and it's crazy have it deep down in my gut to only come free the day is turn the night that is when my monster Feeds greedily and selfish.

It does not give me seconds rest blow leaves totally my monster consumes my soul my memories my skills my love my personality will be stopping when you're reaching the point of no return.

My depression kicks in there as well until night falls again seems that my darkness that covers my soul was always trying to swallow up what is left of my memories I having trouble putting the puzzles together form a picture that is complete my special memories the very precious ones to me the ones that don't seem to matter much to anybody else but they are my life he seemed to dissolve with every dose of amphetamines that I inject into myself brings me one step closer to forgetting everything

When you love too much ..
Your prone to get hurt easily ..

It's devastating to be left without your warm
Presence..
I'm at a loss for words

My life is a rollercoaster ride

With a tidal waves reaching the sky.

Oh my
What is this life
A doomed life
I have to live
a
Agony
I seem to dread
Another reason
To go to bed
A ****** up memory in my head
All the things that they said
A ruined pathway
I have lead
A empty heart
Needing to be fed

I live on the streets
Cuz I have no home
Cold nights
Can be rough
Alone

Coughing and stuffy nose
Freezing nightz
Hot dayz
So tired
Cops ticket you
No trespassing
No place of my own

No one seems to care
This life
Is ****
Suffocating air

Unsure of what is to come in our future. All I do know is how profound my love for you has become.

I do recognize we are only human, I have to allow you make any *****-ups needed so as to learn and grow.
My sweet friend as well as lover, I honestly believe that my inclination for you will only grow as time goes on.

The good and mighty Lord has a plan. So I pray with my heart and soul that he sows the path that we will be astonished with.

I'm always thinking of you,
This makes my head fill with passion and ***.
It's that beautiful kind of love
God, how our *** life is intense!

You're a sweet inspiration,
I believe your beyond handsome.
With that intelligent mind of yours,
it keeps me intrigued day after day.
Just remember you're stuck with me.

This feeling you give
Is something I seek.
It's relieving anytime you speak,
Oh how I love when you sing.
And the way you kiss my lips
kissing you is my favorite way to pass time,
its utterly bliss.

How I love the way we can talk about anything..
I can always be myself!  I never leave
Anything out, whether it maddens or soothes us.

Your soul is intoxicating and radiates a feeling  that calms me.
It is such a wonderful feeling to have you.

I thank God,  every day  for you,
Because you are the only place in this world that I belong.

Our chemistry works without much effort
I think it's because you make me so happy
  As always 3 kisses,  we have made a requirement.
Whenever we make love don't forget those *** sandwiches.
Maybe we should stock up before because by the
end of the sessions, we're always hungry and thirsty.

As I lay in your arms nothing else matters.
Next there is your voice, soft and gentle
It make all the difference.
I don't want anyone else because you are one for me.
It's truly my happily ever after.

In counseling I wrote a poem
It was a letter to my mom .. Whose if you don't know
Died 4/14/01
  

My mom

Mothers are suppose to be their when their babies need them.

Where were you when I. Needed you ..
Have you forgotten you had children?
Where am I suppose to go.. Who am I suppose to turn to when Im feeling weak when I need my mommy..
I remember your smell
The comfort my head laying on your chest and your fingers in my hair.
Emily and I in the backseat. . you driving. All of us singing loud and full of joy to some country song.
I was 14 when you  died
I need you so bad sometimes

I cry alot .. I lashed out .. I hated you for leaving me .
How is it that I end up being the only kid with no family. .
Treatment for the kid who can't handle her mom dying ..
People wonder why I acted out saying you need to stop these anger outbursts ..
****. I doubt anyone stop and thought maybe its normal that Im having a hard time grieving.. Nope
A therapist and 8 kinds of pills for the list of things I must have

Mom you don't know the war in my head the nightmares I felt ..
The darkness that creeper in
The problem child that fat girl that had anger problems gets out of treatment goes to live with grandparents

The kids at school picked on me .. I had no friends
I run home and grabbed a knife and cut my wrist I screamed. Why did you leave me .. Mom where are u

How any I suppose to live without you..

That was 15 yrs ago

Now Im 30
And Im a **** up just like u were ..
At 25 I got to be 500lbs
With a 2 yr old n a 6 month old ..
I chose ****
5 years later

Im sitting here thinking
You chose ****** and was a needle ******. And died at 42..
I love u I forgive u

I messed up .. I had 4 kids . I lost them i became a needle **** ****** that hates herself. .

Im clean now 17 days
Trying to figure out of to go about talking again to your mom...
My grandma.
Haven't talked to her in 2years..
I don't want her to die with out seeing her.

Well mommy. I love you. And say hi to my poppy and Uncle don !

Love Annare

A sorry thought
A dried up tear
A broken promise
A never here
A why did you go
An I don't have a home
A empty life
A messed up strife
A broken bone
A person that's going to cry
This damaged mind
A terrible lie
Never belonged cry
A reality that hurts
That makes me know
I have hurt you the most
I wish it want so
I let you down and let you go
And you don't really know
If I love you like I said
Im really sorry.
That I caused this sadness AnD dread
You need to know I honestly really loved you so .
Its was me that was weak
Broken and alone
My Selfish thoughts
Broke up your home
Its not that I wanted to just give you away
It was what I thought was right where the darkest days would become your light .. These people Rochelle And Jesse were the miracles that shined
And would make you happy once again
But I hope you know I love you so
More then you will ever know
I love you forever
And always
My beautiful first born
My sweet precious gift.

Mersadie your the light
Where it all begins again
Someday we will meet again

**** is his
game, fire in his eyes make me feast on what's inside I see his **** smile
he glows from
From all the happiness  that courses through his veins,
How happy he does looks,
now I know he's what it took.
To make me happy and make me scream to make me beg on my knees funny how it is to have a surprise when I get his cream in my eyes.
It's in my nature to be naughty I look at my daddy with,  staring him down knowing I will soon make his frown turned upside down
when I grab him by the **** oh I know isn't it hot!
In my mouth his **** does now slide and its leaking from the tip oh how I want it. it's mine
Oh how lovely I get a treat such a wonderful thing to eat.
A fixation so sweet I'm obsessed with his moans and the way he bucks his hips.
It truly makes me wild to make him satisfied for a little while and then just before he ****.I pull it out of my mouth I slowly lick the tip then a shiver does goes down his spine.then of course I put my whole mouth on it and give him the best ****** of all times.
Yet for I have to get a kiss from him so gently and so soft it makes me feel deeply that I need his ******* **** so you can't come in and find out what other stuff will begin!

my pen writes a few lines
But the words don't come out,
Giving meaning to my thoughts.
My mind gets warped and my thoughts,
Just can't keep up with the ideas that I get.
I think of everything and nothing at all,
As if my head is in a free fall.
No matter how hard I try to concentrate,
The mist in my mind, I can't penetrate.
I close my eyes and try to meditate,
But the emptiness, just doesn't abate.
I give up, maybe some other day,
The mist will clear and show me the way.
I glance through the lines on the page,
And sense they do convey a message.
In the end I am all smiles,
Like ending a journey of endless miles.
Thoughtless words, meaningful lines
Wisdom writes my life

No need to bleed
No reason to go

To kiss his lips
To run my fingers
From his neck &
Chest

Oh how I daydream

So sick and tired

Of all these dudes thinking I'm just meant to be used...and persuaded
I'm a lady and I have a soul
Stop this nonsense I'm no fool
Senseless freaks
Thinking I am that easy-to-use and abuse. . **** that ****
I'm a beautiful woman with a choice to choose
Stop at *******... I'm not there to get your jollies off
I'm not your robot queen
You so often want me to be..
I'm better then those stereotypes
Better then that
I'm freshly changed
A new and improved
Personality so cool
A respect for myself
That you can't understand
I'm not that needle ******
I use to show off as
I'm the caterpillar  now morphed into
A butterfly
My bright and colorful patterns
For all the world to see..
This is the chance for myself to create  a brand-new me..
So ******* all of you weirdos and creeps I'm not so ***** on the street