I have lost myself ,
Not sure whats real. I dont have words to speak how feel . . Im feeling so alone even when your  in the ROOM
Nothing, Seems real
Thoughts of destruction & chaos flash in my life
Unroll &
unravell,
Tainted, Stained, Strained, dismembered, delusional
derailed.

Sitting against a wall
Beginning to rise and fall
Fill to the very tip must not be wasteful do not let it drip

Quickly quickly must find vein insert inject relieve the pain life feel the sadness wells up . my tears are most the time trap for years tucked down deep inside for the monsters outside  can't get in my head. the Visions multiply stealing my memories instead so yes it's the truth I do agree and do a shot after another shot so I can be free to drowned out this hate have for myself **** every inch of my life away so I can live and breathe without the pain but am I broken or am I insane

There's a demon in my veins begging to break free
Nothing holding my selfish needs but this biting greed
I'm so doubtful and so weak my mental thoughts can not cope
My willpower has NOthing to  grasp but the lies I often gush to make myself look brave to boast to the world Im greatly cleansed and can do as my friends do
Begin healing and start a new path..
But the curse that gets me every night haunts my life, takes me to the bottom ..
Take grabs my guts and rips and shreds, leaving chaos n decay. Dismantled graves..
Infected sores and mental thorns dragging mystery and mayhem to the onlookers
Showing the truth
Is not a pretty sight nor is my fears and faith in my own morbid core..
Failure and gloom happiness wont boom
Unless I get the guidanceand rehabilitation now
Before I ruin my newest soul my life I carry unseen
To the naked eye
God help me do this right
I crack but can't gain
Disgust

There once was a shiny shard
But then I smoked it and got tweaked.
Now its gone
And you can't get more until you wave goodbye to all your morals and values are you wanting more.
Well start waving goodbye

Redeem

Be brave
Live on the edge
Breathe deep
Scream loud
Be you!

Emotional overload destruction, malfunction  
The wall that I built
Is starting to crumble
So much pressure
I can't hold it in much longer I just want to scream on the top of the Mountain as loud as can be

I know now how it is
Looking in the window,
Of your own life.

Seeing the dark,
shadow of the life you once loved

Now but a empty space
a dusty room
A few cobwebs forming
Throughout


So much denial
So much build up pain
the flame that once
Burned bright

Dimmed down to
Nothing
A cloudy
Reality

So much wastes time and
Energy
Put on pretending it wasn't real

To finally accept the truth
Is beyond
Hard

I would rather walk backwards  then to
Relive that past

Under the surface

  Of the deep blue rapids

My arms spread out and my head disappears underneath

Soaking my whole world

And its in those few moments

that all my troubles dissolves

I become light as a feather.

The Tongue does flips
The Truth Leaks out
As it begins to drip
The Ink sees all
Its The Memory
That shows it all
No longer a need
A reason to bleed
This feeling that has
A whispering call
Begging
To be place in a book
Or to be read
Here. Just have a look
To engrave
In the mind
To create
A page
Of emotions
To engite
A flame in a heart
To paint art on each others hearts
That is where it
Always starts

My heart it searches
My breath is signs
My mind it wonders
My life is needs
The love of another
Is my desire
To fill me with warm and
Make me dive right in
To the matters of the hearts
The big loving parts
The wide smiles
The tight hugs
The wet kisses
Mmm the feeling of love jjust a matter of time and
My life will start
Jump start this
Thing
Make it my way
To know
He loves me
Just the right ways
And always n forever
Stay
That is a beautiful thing
To be wanted
Oh yay

Your warmth is delightful just  being your arms.
This world seem less stressful when your around.
  Now huge shocker my life has become shattered  beginning to rip into the fabric of my so called life.
How I miss all your affection that you gave me and cuddles soak up like a sponge.
I need you in my life more than you know to be my partner in crime,
The Rock in my life.
The only home I truly know
I cant lose you tho.

Your curls
Your laugh
That smile so sweet
Your heart is huge
And those tiny ties
The way you love
The way you hug
The way you smell
too Presious
Such innocence

I'm so very  sorry ..
I can't be in your life
I made mistakes
I broke your little heart
I need your hugs
I can't seem to breathe
Tears flow down my cheeks
Remembering you
I'm sad it's true
Your six years old
Heart pure  as gold
The love that don't grow old
I miss you everyday in everyway..
March 17th 2015
They took u away for good
Now I'm sad n blue
I hope u know that I still  love you eternally unconditionall
Forever
My sweet angel

Saddness creeps
Into my brain

My uneasy heart
Tuggs at the strings
My mind has been warpped
Under other peoples. Views and opinions
My broken view of the world is unclear
Im a mistake
Im a burden
Im just a waste of time
Those words have.been etched
Into my thoughts

Cuz over and over my mother.
My grandmother
My demons
Do curse me
beat me down
Make me believe the words
And i have becomem a wasted life
Now i believe
Im not important
Not worth tje effort
Others are better
If they stay far away
From me
So i don't( ruin anymore peoples lives)
Im a failure
Im a **** up
A. Ctazy freak
Im ruined my life
And i hate myself
Because all i ever wanted was to be the best mom i could be
n i failed i ******
Up. I ruuined it so bad
I miss my kids so much ot hurts but they are mostly better without me around
Everything i touch becomes tainted

All I Remember Is Empty Promises
How Can I Pretend
That I See Everything Clearly
I Can't Even See It Through My Eyes
I've Reaped All Of The Pain
And Even After Loving You
I Could Never Be The Same
It Was Never About What I Believed
It Was About What You've Already Given Me
When You Look Me Through Your Eyes

I Could Never Cry The Same
Can You See My Soul?
Can You Recognize My Heart?
I've Been Caught With The Promises
Lost In The Forgotten Memories
That I Don't Know Of
I Can't Think Of
Because I've Left Them Behind
How Can I Say I'm Thankful
When I Don't Even Remember Any Of It

I Could Never Feel All Your Pain
What I've Felt
I Don't Remember
I Try Not To Remember
But Already, I've Forgotten Myself
I Lost Count Of The Tears
I Can't Seem To Remember The Good
Because All I Remember Is
Is Not What Was Meant To Be

It Wasn't By Fate
It Was More Wishful Thinking
It Was My Sword Drawn To My Neck
How Can I Recognize The Cure
When I All I See Is My Blood
All Of This Pain Flowing Inside

I Can't Remember
I Don't Know
Because I Think I Don't Care
I Don't Want To Not Care
But I Forgot About The Importance Of Love
It Felt Like I've Lost Myself In The River

Incinerated I Can't Feel My Skin
I Can't Ignore My Soul
Even Though I'm Far From Pure
Sentimental I Don't Know What I Feel
Because Every Nudge I Stab
It Leaves A Mark
And When I Try To Erase It
It Replaces The Mark
With A Scar
A Scar I Cannot Remove

But I Can Tell You
That The Scar You Are Seeing
Is What Made Me Stronger
It's What Reminds Me
Of What I've Experienced
The Pain I've Felt
The Struggles I've Endured
And Even Though I Can't Say
I'm Learning From My Mistakes
I Have Better Insight Of Mistakes
Then I Once Had
Prior To My Scars

This thoughts in my mind
Repeat over and over
Picturing it like a movie on rewind
I reminisce the past as I close my eyes.

Memories come flooding back
Breaking this this cage of glass
I simply don't think anything through.

Now I'm here, what can I do
My heart is now broken and ripped in two.

The secrets I locked inside my mind
Is best kept tucked away hidden from the light of day.

If my secrets was revealed
I wouldn't have my best friend
Eric Pratt to enjoy  in his company anymore.

The truth about myself is smashed into millions of pieces stored in a box  labeled top secret,
So my tears and fears won't come true and ruin all the things that reeked havoc in my addicted lifestyle


No one can know ...
I now swallow my key
So I can't lose my friendship
And ruin my life from the mistaken
CRYS and immoral lies

Shame on me
For having emotions
To express sadness
To have tears
Shame on me
For having fears
To escape the darkest hour
To hide my love from the hurt
Thoughts from my brain
Will splatter !

Broken homes
And shattered lives
Sorrow roams thick
In many of our own lives
Some people hearts
Mend
Others stay hollow
Emptiness
Resides

Why do people only use me?

Broken homes
And shattered lives
Sorrow roams thick
In many of our own lives
Some people hearts
Mend
Others stay hollow
Emptiness
Resides

A spiral of smoke
       Satin rose petals
         Delicate tears
            leaks
From your Deepest thoughts

Struggling to cope
Strung out on dope
Seems there's no hope
Everyone thinks
I'm
A joke
Can't stay afloat
Looking at life thru
A microscope
This poem needs rewrote

It's so ******* hot
Need to jump into some water
Looking for a treasure chest
Silly me it's a A/c unit and a mason jar of ice water
That right there is the
Solution
Fire and ice
A blissful NIGHT
Stay up until  dark
I'm in the park
By the river..
The moon and the star's will be a sight to see
Summer time breeze
And life in a haze
Im 'really looking  to blaze!!!

Always thinking of you,
It fills my Head with passion  and ***
This beautiful love
I need you in bed.
You are my inspiration my sweet Daddy your so handsome and your intelligent mind
This feeling you give,
is something I seek.
It's just so relieving,
anytime you speak.
I love how you sing,
And kiss my lips,
Kissing you is my favorite way to pass the time.
Oh how I love our talk
Where I can always be myself.
Leaving nothing out,
whether it maddens or soothes us.
Your soul just emits,
an intoxicant that calms me.
And when we touch,
this mood just emgulfs me.
It binds me tight,
locked in your sweet release.
Then time slows down,
til the silence has ceased.
But during that moment,
I've begun to beleive.
That your voice,
is really,
the only one I need.

There goes my heart strings, there goes the intense pain,
there goes all the things in my life, now just ripped away. There goes our hearts that wanted love, there goes our fights and arguing..
there goes all those restless nights and crying up all nights,
Don't turn your head, and then wish me dead, 
as the promises that break
Were what you once said... So I guess this is the end.
Our biggest mistake

Seems the little things are what I want to the most, but you're too busy chasing that **** bag .

Here we go again with the intent to get higher than last time.

Each day you are frantically trying to find a bowl of dope to fill that Little

Goosebumps appear right before
The sharp needle pierces my ivory skin.
This elixir that I crave to inject into my veins is arousing.

Happens to be nothing more electrifying or exciting to feel as a euphoria begins rushing thru my entire body.
Pumping the intoxicating elixir to my *** and down into my wet *****
This pleasure is so  complex it's extraordinary.

I crave Daddy's thickness deep in  my *****.

I need to feel him deep inside me penetrating my core
I can't help but explode as my cummies overflow all over the bed.

I'm sitting here thinking about my life as my homies take it turned shooting dope.

This addiction is bad
This injection will change your life is everything and nothing as well as unexplainable it's like being stabbed with a knife a million time.

A very my whole body inside and out I want to end it so bad it makes my mind feels so much doubt losing my mind losing control this specific drug
is the worst of its kind

I just wrote another poem
And thought I would share

Well here it is

---------------Looking out the window out Into the cold dark world.
Seeing all the damage
That people have been thrown.
Walkig past one another
Each and every day
Not even looking at each other as they pass their ways.
Sadness fills their own heads
Makes them blind and mute
Never even smile
Blank looks or dismay
So caught off guard
They don't even bother to say ''hey''
How are you to day
And even then if they do
The other people say,''good or fine''
Most likely That Not even close to the actions and feelings that
Are just below the surface
Taunting their brains
Suffocating their realities
Creating havoc and chaos every turn
Alone in a world with people all around
Somehow its true but you
Can't forget the your Own views.
You don't have a clue
What others think. Or do

Melting into the oblivous
Abyss
Having the courage to be different
To strive to lend a hand
To go out of your way to connect to others
And she the gain.
Know that all of us have struggles and all of us Feel pain
But being kind and doing your best to fill their voids.
Show people that are almost ready to give up that their is another way
Share your voice. Share your hearts
Change a view or a soul
Make them all feel better
Even if its just a smile and to say .
I hope you have a nice day
At least you tried to make. Someone
Happy just one more day.

By Anna Marie rose Howard
12- 17-2017

Looking out the window out Into the cold dark world.
Seeing all the damage
That people have been thrown.
Walkig past one another
Each and every day
Not even looking at each other as they pass their ways.
Sadness fills their own heads
Makes them blind and mute
Never even smile
Blank looks or dismay
So caught off guard
They don't even bother to say ''hey''
How are you to day
And even then if they do
The other people say,''good or fine''
Most likely That Not even close to the actions and feelings that
Are just below the surface
Taunting their brains
Suffocating their realities
Creating havoc and chaos every turn
Alone in a world with people all around
Somehow its true but you
Can't forget the your Own views.
You don't have a clue
What others think. Or do

Melting into the oblivous
Abyss
Having the courage to be different
To strive to lend a hand
To go out of your way to connect to others
And she the gain.
Know that all of us have struggles and all of us Feel pain
But being kind and doing your best to fill their voids.
Show people that are almost ready to give up that their is another way
Share your voice. Share your hearts
Change a view or a soul
Make them all feel better
Even if its just a smile and to say .
I hope you have a nice day
At least you tried to make. Someone
Happy just one more day.

By Anna Marie rose How are
12- 17-2017

Thank you Eric for being my friend. YOu
Have taught me how it feels to be Have Real Love,
how it feels to have someone there for you
when you need them the most !you're taught me to love Jesus you taught me that people are all different and unique in their own ways and it's okay to love them just the way they are
with no judgement.
you've also taught me that being in love means you have to think about the other person before you think about yourself! for example you think about the things that you're lover wants and you get them those things. for you thinking  about what they want
Makes you happy
you tell me that people struggle but having people that trust you is very important because without having trust without having the ability to believe in someone fully you are nothing you're not worth anything and you are worthless as a person
you have to actually give your word and have it mean something in order for you to completely give yourself to the other person I trust you with my life you are my best friend you never give up on me
.
you never stay mad at me.
I know it's because you have Jesus! you are the reason I have more faith! The reason  I seek the Lord if it wasn't for you I probably would be dead!!! I have heard so many things about people saying that you are crazy maniac and that you would **** me in a heartbeat
You might hurt me
but you have never done that besides the words verbal abase.
But that's yours only defense
Against
Me because that's your only  way of hurting me and you know that it does that exactly you. But most the time I do deserve it Cuz im not the easiest person sometimes im stubborn and selfish and rude and ******.. And you put up with until you can't anymore then You (Man handle the situation and put me in my place ("slap in the face")  * IM IN A REALITY CHECK .
I say sorry

Eric the amazing
Your so extremely
amazing, caring, selfless, worthy

You are a Angel that is Heaven sent a gift from God
you are a perfect example of what God meant when he said he would find me someone that would teach me how to be a better person. if I wanted to be that better person grab hold and stop messing around
Sto running.
I want to be a better person
you make me a better person!
I honestly am glad to call you my friend, my best friend, my lover, the love of my life and my guardian angel you might not ever read this but least I got it out in the open no lies just me telling it like it is!

To the homeless man walking on Street
I pray for you
I hope you have something to eat
A place that is warm for you to lay your head
An  maybe even new socks so your feet arent cold when you go to bed
I hope that you are filled with God's grace I hope that you have a smile on your face I know it can be hard when life gets you down but know that everybody sometimes has a frown
I know sometimes you think that I don't understand this place that you're in but you are wrong I've been there to and it is hard sometimes u need give it time it'll be alright things get better

Zillions of tweaking bums
Sitting here and there some are rambling non stop
Others are rolling  the glass ****
Or WITH a rig in their,arm

Sometimes you see a few tweakers
Staring at the the pipe begging
With crocodile tears these we all know as fiends
Drama fills the little shack
Stolen electronics array and ***** needles in every trash can.. as well is outside  on  the ground
Sad and pitiful

Sitting in this place the are   lights off in My Brain and millions  spots filling these circles with black circled dots, darkness is coming for my soul but wont my body  because it old
I'm holding my head I can't help it if  frown there is a sound coming from the other room a feeling that gets louder boom boom every second every time every clock that takes rings alarm clock like it's the morning after your brain has mastered every thought and every second and every word every reason every hope God forsaken place that I've ever held in my heart these are the words that are engraved into the world for I will not leave without giving you that one thing you hope for the most to give you the piece of paper that holds my fate.I  might face my desire My ending on a downward slate messed up trials the messed up  I gave up my Reasons I fed up I'm telling you those aren't the only things that mark as a spot in my head I do walk in and I was of my hard headed my mind wondering who is on my side is there only to have this place that is locked away with a key Unstoppable decisions that make my consequences good choices I make other good or bad it's for that sake or is it opened you can be free step on to this sand make your heart make your choice to start up to you give it the world your choice to make it true if there's only place that you can erase your thoughts or you can write I ought to know there's a note on the bathroom door it says please go to the store but can you realize you are not only there as a slave to this world but be gentle in your words in your touch in your mind some people can't spot that quickening that has you wishing you could finish before the end don't be so quick to make a decision that is where you could find your parts of the world that the words  are supposed to replace.so out of time they don't rhyme that doesn't matter who's defined that is your magic place in time. A magical space is truly kind the feeling of hope that makes you rewind closing down your brain making your heart train that is the magical place you start to feel like you actually have a part this world is a big one but you can start by picking up the pieces that were messed up from the start closing everything like it's a Gallery of Art you don't show the world if the missing piece that won't be seen and we'll get old collect dust and no one will see with the tween lines of each piece of paper that you signed that is how you know is fate coming to take its place and rate you a place that makes you great be able to see it and no it is true no one is knocking on the door but you stand up and be seen throw the world the words of the Unseen that is finally a good place to be nothing left but a good night sleep

Seems everyone has someone
Seems like they can keep that someone in their life.
Why is it .. I'm alone..
No one wants this body as their own
Why do I cry so much
Missing out on loves true touch.
What is the reason guys want me
But don't want to have me as theirs

My magical place is lost in time
Past mistakes create a rip in the fabric of LIFE.
My tears trickle down my cheeks
My mental state begins to rattle and shake..
A earthquake it seems
Beats my soul down in defeat

Seems I'm just a puzzle piece in this
Scene.
Nothing I can fake
Nothing I can take
My life is junk yard
Where the unwanted things get thrown. .
Seems my life is not really a source
For someone heart to breathe
Just a messed up battlefield
Where unneeded unwanted unnecessary things end up..

(Why is it that I am not good enough
Am I really that bad)

(I took them away from the life they wanted  n needed)

I ruined my babies lives
I ****** up so bad
I don't know where to go
I lost my mind
Now I know
I can't take it back
My world is so black
I wish that I wasn't  so ******* stupid
Like thaf.
I guess that's why I'm so alone
Because I deserve it
I walked down this road
(Mersadie, mawell, molly..
I'm so sorry..
I failed U

A blank stare
A void reality
A broken promise
A shattered existence

A innocent child
A false hope
A crushed dream
A broken home

A ruined family
A depressed life
A hollow future

A missing parent
A guilt-ridden mind
A consequence
A numb heart