You don’t want to die.
No.
You want happiness.

You want to wake up in the morning feeling alive with each breath that comes easily and weightless; You just want stop feeling like this is a nightmare you can’t wake up from.

The possibility of happiness manipulates you into thinking you can have it then, inconveniently at the most in opportune time reminds you that happiness is just not something you can have no matter how deep the yearning you have to submerge yourself in it; happiness is there, all around yet just out of reach so that you can see but never manage to have it.

You’re hopeless, alone in a cold darkness that suffocates you, leaving you breathless and isolated from others by past wounds that wont heal.

At times you’re overwhelmed, like a deer in headlights you can’t move; feeling paralyzed not knowing what to do, say, think, should you sit? Waiting until you “unfreeze”
you’re frozen in an attempt to pullaway from an invisible hand that has a tight grasp of your upper arm. Eventually it releases its hold allowing you to move once more leaving you to now wondering, lost on what to do .

Sometimes you’re trying to find reason to live, more reasons than your kids. If it weren’t for the kids you wouldn’t be here. You have tried so many times. But are left to fight for yourself. You’re all you can depend on in the end. Whenever that will be.

I’ll say your name and wait for your voice but the answers I get are silence and grief.
Without you my heart will freeze to crystals of the deepest blue;
for you painfully won this game of hide and seek.
I’ve called the last and final, “where are you?”
There will be no more now that you’ve gone somewhere I cannot reach.
I will wait till the day that you and I once again meet. I’m sorry my fur baby. I’ll get through hopefully, if not barely.

I knew a girl who was happy. She talked to anyone, Always wanting to help.

I knew a girl who’s smile was broken but always gave advice so that people could smile.

I knew a girl who was ***** at a young age but it Didn’t stop there. She felt like she had a target painted on her back she couldn’t go anywhere.

I knew a girl who was constantly told she wasn’t good enough. Everything she did was wrong. Her words, her expression, her brain wasn’t right.

I knew a girl with such hate for the world she imagined her room ******* broken in half. Bed frame in pieces, her window is smashed, broken pictures on the floor; blankets covered in glass.

I knew a girl.. who was also a daughter, She was happy, made people smile, but was too broken inside.

I knew a girl.. she’s no longer alive.