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emily Sep 2022
I sometimes wonder why you were often too afraid to meet my eyes when we were in public.

Were my clothes too scruffy and did I look too unkempt to be associated with you?

Was it because I get too carried away when I talk and my emotions light up my face as if they cannot be contained.

Maybe because I tried to hold you tight and keep you safe.  

Even though I would love to sit down by your side and ask all the questions I have bottled up, I understand that I may never see you again.
i understand that I may not get any closure from them so the words that iwright are my goodbyes
emily Sep 2022
Reasons we don't work

She doesn't like dogs, only cats, not even the small cute fuzzy ones. I mean, I don't like holding a fur ball that can fit comfortably in one hand.

Our favourite music tastes speak different languages, and although I have them on my playlist just for her to catch like an easter egg. I don't understand French and yet I add them for her

She reminds me of a sweet strawberry mid summer all red and juicy and I am an overcooked pepper all wrinkled and burnet along the edges

Their name is like the green of the ocean in clean water. It reminds me of a holiday that I have yet to come back home from.

On my desk is a rubix cube that is half finished. I have one face solved and two rows completed but I cannot go any further because I have yet to memorise the algorithm and I can't find a website that shows me what to do. It it uncompleted yet it taunts me with its bright colours

She paints, she wants to become a graphic designer. Her work is modern and stylish, all clean edges and smooth lines. My artwork is rough and scratchy like mad men painting their troubles and always on paper.

Loving them was like ignoring the cars as I crossed the road without looking both ways and expecting not to get hit.

They are clean and dress well all colour coordinated with long frilly dresses. I dress like I'm going on a cold run with gym leggings and a jumper that I got from my work, i'm ready for anything.

I treat love like my first tequila shot that my taste buds are unwilling to accept. It is a foreign gift that I have yet to declare in the airport of my heart.

My love is like postcards that haven't got the stamp on so close to being sent yet without them they are ineligible to be delivered.

Love is like renting a house that I only recognise as I'm driving out of the driveway, love is looking back to the home that I will always leave.

Loving her was the act of keeping a secret, love was hidden for her an adventure of how long we could keep the game going until their parents found out. Their love was how quickly they could separate their stitched hands from mine when her mother walked into the room.

Her love was public until she entered the privacy of her own home.

I want a front porch love that kisses goodbye at the end of the evening filled with the breath of an open atmosphere. Her love was a closed door with nothing but a goodbye only later to text me a kiss.

Although she was a puzzle piece in my life she didn't fit in the section of my heart even though I tried every single combination she wasn't the right fit. Like the rubix cube that i have yet to finish I won't give up trying to make her fit into my life.

I have yet to find a moment in my day where she is not walking beside me in my imaginations, like an unwelcome guest I have yet to ask her to leave.
these are some of the reasons we don't work
emily Sep 2022
I used to write. Now I barely can hold a pen or type on a computer for more than a minute. Not because I've fallen out of love with writing but because I've fallen out of love with you that inspired me to write. My love for you died when you thought of me as a second choice. My heart no longer had such a symphony on repeat when you leave without the gift of closure.

Your presence became my home and our conversations became the sonnet that I would forever be captivated by. Your guidance became the white flag in my unforgiving battle. Our hearts beat as one, for a time. And then you left and my world became cold and bland no longer in color but in grayscale where I fought to survive but ultimately lost to the void of heartache.
I don't know when the last time I wrote something was but its been awhile, i've wanted to get back into writing but its been difficult as all motivation to do so has been lost.
emily Jul 2021
When I was younger my mother would tell you that I was a quiet child.
I kept my words inside my head and spent my time in my head
as I slowly build an imaginary world that I still spend time in today.
It's been years since these worlds were created yet I still hold on to them.
They comfort me as I navigate the world that my body lives in.
The 'real' world locks away the wonder of living
And silences my imagination
The 'real' worlds music sounds hollow and damp compared to the perfect drift of freedom in my own imagination.
Who knows maybe they are real.
emily Jul 2021
I look back and find my memories are bittersweet. Our conversations still whisper to me in the middle of the night keeping me awake.
I still remember a party that we both went to and I still remember a friend of mine begging me to not get drunk and warning me of the dangers that it could bring. I made them a promise and I kept it. I never touched any alcohol.
Yet seeing your face and that smile that you gave me when I entered a room made my head spin and my words slurred.
I realised at that moment that I no longer needed a drink I only needed to be next to you that night as I was getting drunk on a person
emily Jul 2021
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry my body wasn't enough to make you stay.
I'm sorry that I loved you before I learnt to love myself,
I'm sorry that I fantasised about your eyes meeting mine.
I'm sorry that I loved you too hard,
I'm sorry.
But most of all I'm sorry that I gave you my heat without caring for what would happen to it.
You broke me and yet I still apologise for what you did.
emily Feb 2021
Perhaps I was born to self-destruct,
In loving what I cannot have,
For falling in love with a bittersweet dream.
A dream only half received.
You skipped over love and gave me hate instead.
The thought of you brings up a conversation,
That I am not yet ready to share.
No matter how hard I try,
I still find your presence etched onto my soul.
The memories of you still send shivers down my spine,
And the thought of your touch still wakes me up in hot sweats.
Your the cork still stuck in my throat,
Or the words and memories still too buried,
Unable to claw its way back up.
This was meant to be about still loving someone who doesn't love you and trying to make it a little happy, but my mind went somewhere else.
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