To the daughters who were born without a safe haven

To the mothers who baptized their daughters not in holy water
but in their heartache

To the daughter who raised her mother first
then herself

To the mother who thought being a mother would save her
to the daughter who taught her mother through her existence alone she could never make her whole

to the daughters who tried to make her whole anyway

to the mothers and daughters who resent each other and
don't know why

To the daughter who struggles to decide
between pleasing her mother
and pleasing herself

to the daughter who finally learns what it feels like
to choose herself
to the mother that does the same

to the mothers and daughters who run from unconditional love because they've never known the feeling

may you find peace
forgiveness
for yourself and for her
patience
resilience
acceptance

This year taught me

You're more resilient than you think
that there is comfort and joy in solitude

hugs are like honey
pure
simple
valuable

I learned you can find happiness where you least expect it

That the only way out is through

there are more outreached, helping hands than you think

how grand it is
to simply be
toes dipped in the river
sunset kissing your forehead
trusting it will rise again
Trusting this is not the end

When your bones are tired
And your heart is weary
Eyelids heavy

Do you pause to remember what the grass feels like between your toes?
To remind yourself of the summers when you had hours to spend dancing in the sun
Observing an ants journey across the sidewalk
You would measure the time passing by watching the clouds
The shapes morphing slow enough you couldn’t see, but you’d blink and then they’d be different
Blink and it’s all different

Summer turns into fall
I blinked and you became a stranger
Your eyes are familiar but your insides are different like the weather

The flowers come and go
I managed to bring some of them inside before the winter
Gathered them up with the memories of you from when we were young and careless
When we cared more
About giving than not being hurt

In 2019,
I want more.

Want more sunrises
More rolling out of bed with a purpose

More afternoons curled in a love seat

I want a garden
inside me and in my backyard

More friends
More nuzzles from dogs

More oceans

More allowance to make mistakes
After all, you were brave enough to try.

More stillness
More belly laughs
More love letters

More sway in my hips
Cool breeze on my lips

More looking in the mirror to see my smile
not the width of my thighs

More finding shapes in the clouds

More moments that leave me breathless

More life
All the painfully messy beautifully chaotic morsels
dripping from my chin

In 2019,
I want more.

The line of light from that morning glass
Is singing a song about us
It cries sometimes for this tender love
And will soon die under the natural path

For the fire that burns in us
We dreamed and lied for love
Yet when the rain pours down on us
We can only see the silhouette

In that dark silence
We questioned the light
And perhaps it doesn’t matter
Where all this end up

There are things in this life
That can’t be explained or understood
Something so fundamental and divine
That it disappeared and unified
Deep into our being
Into our soul

In that valley of darkness
I await you as nothing
No need or desire
Only being
Only love
Only...

Infinite love
Is all around us
In the depth of this path
We saw the darkness in us

But perhaps
We hugged each other
And maybe
We kissed without knowing

As you walk down the street
Can you hear their laughter
Their sorrow
Their love for you

Like that ray of sunlight
Or a touch of that raindrop
Or a shade under that green
Or a breath on your skin

Oh you beautiful being
Can you feel it
Can you feel the love between us
Can you feel your own touch
Holding on your heart
Kissing it
Caressing it
Loving it

Like that wave
It beats to our pain
And as it washes over
We can feel
just how much love is in us

There is so much
So much that we killed
So much that we fought
So much that we cried

Oh you beautiful being
Through anything and everything
My love for you is endless
And maybe you can see it
One day

An old wooden shack
Built by hands long ago
Still ptotecting those inside
From storms and predators outside
A small hole appeared one night
In the roof just above where I slept
The black sky peered through
Threatening me with its vastness
So I might float away at night
A horrid black thing
Until a small pin of light appeared
Followed by another and another
And the hole was filled with pins of light
A starry sky
My first sight
Alone yet inspired
By these mystic lights
Is their cold light warm on another face?
Outside this barn of mine
Is the death of this life,
A traveler's delight
This hole shows me otherwise
My journey of the night
To starry skies of mystic lights