aching, tired, weary.

Pain?

Me?

Why ever me? My pain shrinks.

Never, oh never would that happen.

At least that's what everyone else thinks.

I cover my feelings with a mask of happiness.

Trying to hide,

Trying to shield myself from deadliness

Of my heart.

I sit here thinking, wondering, I feel,

I feel dumbstruck.

Like Alice, curious, wondering,

Wondering what's going on in this wonderland of emotions.

I feel stuck.

I don't even know who I am,

Myself!

But apparently everyone else does.

At least that's what everyone else thinks.

Me.

Me.

Me, myself, and I.

Am I the one or am I three?

No one will ever know.

Well, maybe,

Just maybe,

Everyone else will.

Remember I'm happy!

Happy.

Happy?

Am I really?

At least that's what everyone else thinks.

Am I the only one that has their demons feasting upon their souls?
They say it is easy to tie a noose around your mind,
To overcome the urges and temptations of ending your life with a suicide
They don't know the true pain and torment that is going on in my head
An epic battle that leaves me with restless nights in bed
"End your life already" they say, as they prey on me during my weakest hours
Sometimes I give into the voices, carrying the sharp blade to my wrist
Crying as I struggle to mutter three powerful words that keeps me going
Choking on my sobs, my lungs deflate with a desire to say that God loves me
I try to convince myself that God is trying to test my faith
And to just wait, wait and wait
Then my Demons will eventually go AWAY.....



~Imperfect Desire **

30 | 31 Poems for August 2017

I need coffee and poetry and music by Solange, Emeli Sandé and Floetry.
I need love and freedom, I need to know that God is in my life even when there’s pain in my eyes.
Our love and chemistry was beautifully overwhelming but I never wanted you to say goodbye.
You left without any warning, you left and I need to know the reason why while I keep listening to Cranes in the Sky.
I tried to drink it away but every time I did, I woke up the next day feeling intensely inebriated.
I have cried myself to sleep on days when the world was dancing to the rhythm of my melancholic heartbeat.
I have fallen in love with my own solitude, but lately loneliness has taken over every single part of me.
You still have my heart beating in rhythms that are foreign to my existence.
I find it useless spending all this time apart while we keep admiring each other from a distance.
I have been waiting for you to help me get rid of this miserable and lonely life of mine.

Jen, never worry because I promise you that everything is going to be okay.
Your mind is as breathtaking as views from Table Mountain and your love is as beautiful as the Sistine Chapel.
Life for us was different a few weeks ago, silhouettes of dreams keep me holding on to a different hope.
Two minds flooded with dopamine, our disagreements show that we have more issues than weekly magazines.
But our love proves that nothing has changed in regards to the connection that we share.
I still write about you in hopes that one day you’ll read all these words and hopefully find your way back to me.
The moment that you opened up your eyes, I was right there by your side and my love for you comes as no surprise.
When my blue skies have turned grey, I listen to that one Emeli Sandé song and reminisce about you every single day.
So babe, it’s okay you can hold me now, hold me down and hold me always.
Listening to Long Live the Angels and taking note of the colours in my dreams.
When the relentless heat of the summer sun drove me crazy all I could think about was your smile and those beautiful brown eyes.
I’ve come to accept that love is a part of me even when it’s apart from me.
Jen, never worry because I promise you that everything is going to be okay.

So i guess this is 4
Touching the stove and watching it burn your skin
Realizing that you have to breathe
Slipping and falling
Feeling his hands on you
His hands on you
His hands on you
Nightmares
Doctor checks
Hospital trips
Therapy?
Therapy

So I guess this is 13
Losing your friends
Getting your period
Crying over your First heartbreak
Watching your parents separate
Cutting your skin
Starving your body
Sleepless nights

So I guess this is 18
Watching your first love get married
Finding out your second loves likes boys
Leaving home
Getting tattoos to cover scars
First kiss
First time having ***
First time realizing it hurts when someone uses you
Second time
Spending days crying

So I guess this is 19
Seeing your body as a work of art
Going to movies
Eating dinner
Going to concerts
All by yourself
And enjoying it
Getting more tattoos
For no reason other than I like them
Sleeping through the night
Starting to write again
Standing up to your fears
Speaking up
Speaking your poetry in public
So I guess this is 19
I'm so glad I made it