It was creepy, eerie, so tangible.

You knocked on my bedroom door.
You walked in so slowly.

As you approached me, my heartbeat hastened.
You sat down right in front of me and our eyes met.

Your hand reached out to me and we hugged.
I held you so close.

I dreamt of you last night.
I remember reassuring myself it was real.

Saturday's

Why are they so important?

Why do they mean so much?

Last Saturday I was at a bar talking to Canadians at a bachelor party--one of which bought me drinks all night and wanted to makeout with me.

The Saturday before that I went out with some friends I hadn't seen in a long time.

And before that, I went out with my friends to this area that had so many bars filled with people who drank themselves into stupors--kind of like I did the Saturday before that one.

I was dumped. So I drank--a lot I drank. That Saturday was a mess.

But tonight is Saturday and I didn't want to do anything, yet I felt like I should. So I did. I went to a friend's house to drink, but I didn't go out. I felt tipsy, I felt surrounded by friends, but I also felt sad.

He was out. He was happy. And he definitely was probably not sad.

But I was.

It's funny how break ups work--they make you question even the smallest things, like the purpose of Saturday's, ya know?

Our last kiss was not even one we wanted, but one we knew had to just happen.

I miss when his mind said, "You're beautiful",
his eyes said, "I love you",
and his heart said, "You're mine forever".

I know what together means.
It's human nature to want to be a part of something larger than us.
It's human nature to hold onto something so volatile in the hopes that the tension will turn into warm stability.
It's human nature to attach yourself to something or someone, to look at this entity as if it were a part of you.
You are okay.
You are normal to not want to be alone.
You've been okay with it in the past, but now that you know what together means, solitude screams discomfort.
You've spent your whole life headstrong.
The steps in front of you were confident strides waiting to be seized and conquered.
It was so easy to be alone.
But you know what together means.
It's human nature to love what you love and not want to let go when you've tasted the subliminal euphoria you thought you could only give yourself but someone was holding it for you all along.
I know what together means,
But sometimes I wish I didn't.

How do you get over something so real?
How do you forget about something so close?
I mourn the loss of an individual who loved me.
He was dear to me in almost every way.
He didn't die.
But we did.
We died because he committed suicide.
The lips of another girl was his martyred maneuver.
No regret.
No remorse.
Eyes wide open when he triggered the bullet.
I mourn now.
While his hands brush the hips of another girl.
******.
His biggest transgression.
Not the cheating, not the delicate gentle way he caressed her while she twirled in for the kiss of death.
******.
He murdered a living, breathing, pulsating creature.
I mourn, he marries.
******.
No more for now.

Remember when you pressed your lips against mine?
The timorous trembling of your kiss stopped time.

Remember when your hand wrapped around my fingers?
The ephemeral warmth caused the summer breeze to linger.

Remember when you stroked my hips toward yours?
The transcendental timber in the way we danced leaves me craving more.

Remember when you locked me into an embrace mid-Sixth Street?
The humid July night grew feverish with our imminent fleeting heat.

Remember when we said "I love you"?
Those three words never felt more true.

With all of these memories, I turn to where we stand today.
As I catch a glimpse of you glazing over the softness of her shoulder,
The moments I once sheltered, I now force away.

I gather my pride and recognize that I was always number two.
These moves you made to win me over
Were only perfect, because you practiced them first on her too.

She was the girl we worried about before.
The one you always knew was the one for you.
But you strung me along like some almighty's *****,
And now I leave you with the little dignity you blew
And the reality I lied about but always knew.