I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

Every time you take a blade to your skin,
You flirt,
And play with death.
You toy with it,
Likes its a thorn on a beautiful,
Blood.
Red.
Rose.

Is that the lowest moment?
When you don't dare to wear shorts because of the scars that cover your legs.
And then you're sitting there at the dinner table with your family,
And they keep on telling you to eat,
But all you mutter is "I'm not hungry",
When you actually are.
You're starving but your image is worth more than a meal.
You eat a few bites just to shut them up,
And then run to the bathroom to rid yourself of it,
To make sure you can fit into those jeans,
The ones that could stand you losing another 5 pounds.
You get used to the lies of:
"I'm not hungry"
"I ate before I came"
And "oh yeah I'm fine, just tired".
Is that your lowest point,
When the only food you're feeding yourself is lies?

I knew the moment you smiled,
That I'd do anything to never let that fade
I knew the moment when our lips did tango together
that my feelings could not be tamed
I knew the moment we laid next to each other
the night sky would not hold my attention the way it did before
because the fire in your eyes
put all those dead stars to shame
I knew the moment you traced the contours of my body
That no drug could compete with that
When you kissed me for the first time,
i felt as if all the pieces inside me fell into the right places


I knew the moment i walked through this memory lane,
I'll never be the same,
your love, your patience, your smile, your pure soul
changed me
for good or bad, i can't yet tell
i guess it's both
'cause after all you made me an addict :/ '')

what i don't know is
when did i start falling for you
was it the day i leaned on your shoulder and cried my heart out
and all those walls i'd made around to save me
came breaking down and i was saved?
was it the day i told you about my sick brother
or my mother?
was it during the phase of our late-night talks
and inseparable period?
was it the day our friends advised us to leave each another
and we heard them alright, but did not care??

well, I don't know when i fell for you?
or, when you no longer were a part of my life
but became my life
and the sun and moon in it
and it was no longer gravity holding me to this Earth but you

I would say i love you
but these three words have become just a pale description of my love for you

-A.R

that day in December
my roughest trip started
i remember how we met
i sat there quiet
you moved closer and said
my name was pretty
you left but promised me
next year again
and i waited for 365 days
but you never showed up

until 3 months later
and you almost forgotten
but i sparked your interest
November was the best,
when you first held my hand
and never had i ever felt so safe

little did i know that was the last month
we'd ever meet
and i would be hanging on for
193 days
on a feeble rope of hope
losing grip of myself
while you slowly forgot
how i felt against your hands

the rope snapped then,
but i knew
i was free,
from the difficult mountain of you
i did hurt and bruise when i fell
but those scars only proved to show
i am standing stronger
ready for the next adventure of life