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  Jun 2018 Ash
Madisen Kuhn
i asked
what you would wish for
if a genie
granted you three wishes

and none of your wishes
had anything to do
with me
Ash Jun 2018
How could words that felt like
lava to my inner skin
leukimia to my bones,
Septal Defects to my heart ,
have turned into blows,
after sickening blows?

How is it that I could only
mentally scream for you to shut up
stop this mental and physical abuse
but not actually saying it.

I guess I know why,
I guess I always knew why
I knew it but did you also know why
Tell me you also  know why

Well maybe that's why
I listen to all this sad songs
don't trust this thing between my chest
learned to trust this thoughts in my head.

Your words taught me
bruise me,broke me then modelled me
only to throw me,crush me then model me
Ironically you made me elite and haughty me
You would like me but I don't like me

I blame myself though
Your words were my religion
bitter cruel they made this though
I wish I wasn't talking to a corpse though

Your words were my religion
your blows were my conviction
blood,tears and pain
though I wish they never were my religion
Ash Jun 2018
"You need to be thin"
"You have to dress pretty"
"You are naturally tall"
are all you need
then give me a call"
For
your acceptance into the hall
I watched what I ate
I worked out more
and became the facade
to please them all.
So
Click away Mr
take pictures of this skinny
model facade I put on
Prepare
the runway Mr
so I can flaunt andwalk
pretty,thin and tall
just don't ask me
did you eat today
because I'll say
sure I did
I ate plenty of
undernourishment
with a side of regret
sprinkling of diet pills
for dinner I will eat
instagram photos of food
post a few photos of my
pretty,tall,thin self
and suddenly I won't
be hungry anymore.
So click away Mr
Yes I ate and will eat
today
and still maintain this
facade for them all
It's quite sad that most of us want to maintain an "acceptable lovable image "that the society has put up for us.We are caught up with this dogma that we don't mind the pain,I don't know if I should call it craving attention or a cry for help that our self esteem is taking a dive to the gutter.
Ash Jun 2018
Yesterday
I asked you,
what do I do when the devil on my shoulder
tells  me to bawl on a blow-in
just to get all the pent up frustration  out.
You said
"Take your emotions to school"

Last week
I asked you,
what to do when my pride and selfishness
make me believe that I am larger than life?
You said
"I wish you could be more specific"
So I told you in terms
riches
beauty
healthy
brains
I don't know anything that feeds to my ego.
You said
"when you feel like this in terms of riches
remember there is someone out there who has a lot more than you do and if not so if you are deemed the richest according to your definition of richness by everyone around you and even the whole world then look at the sky with  stars so rich,the moon a mystery  and the sun so hot  and ask yourself if you can be that rich or that full of life or that mysteriousness."

Last month
I came to you bitter
I asked why is the world biased
always shows a side to it that I never knew(the ugly one)
why I got hurt despite
my tenderness
my altruistic
You said
"My dear life is never fair and
things won't always go the way you want them to most days and life doesn't revolve around you
so before you go somewhere or make any move
before you speak
study your environment and learn to live in it
for some people are accustomed to
violence and a have a wrong philosophy towards life
don't change them,
don't fight them
and
do not advise them
else
they think you are weak
and
against them
so
they will
despise you,
**** you
and always be in your way.
Instead plan ,calculate your moves,think,never forget to think
and be the better person and version of yourself despite what is going on the outside.Plus always remember you are the only person who can never be your own enemy,your family,friends and lover can but not you."

Four months ago
I came to you
Proud and boasting,
I judged all those who weren't on my level
I spoke ill until I noticed it
and asked what to do when all
I want and seem to do is judge people
You said
" What another person's accomplishment,
style of mind or dressing is,
is none of your business so whenever you feel like judging
shut your brain up by telling it that it is none of your business only judge when it is your business to"

Eight months ago
I wallowed in  depression and regrets
those what ifs,those shoulda,coulda ,woulda
that I never did knowing that
my life would have a different turn about if only...,
I came to you
disgusted by feelings towards myself
and asked
where can I find the light when I am sinking to low in depression's
confines due to  regrets caused by addictions, my mendaciousness and constant state of guilt
You said
"When the mist of depression darkness fogs your brain just remember no amount of guilt can change your past and no amount of anxiety can change your future.You have the power to have make decisions that will pull you out the confines of future depression,anxieties and paranoia."

Today I woke up to your letter
It said
Dear Z,
To mark this being the last day of the ninth months
since you started catechizing me
I will spring something that has always been inside you
but by a medium of words
always work on improving your character,relations to people
and your philosophies
Never think you know to much and that can't learn from others or situations or in general  stop trying to learn more because there is always something to learn try being open minded and you will see this is true
If life knocks you down wake up look at what caused the knock out study  the what not's to and then shake  it off but never forget.
Mostly learn from other people's experiences read ever chapter feel every emotion and the what not to and what to then use it.
Then finally remember to live
you don't only live once
but you live every day
and die once
so make the most out of today and
whatever happiness means to you chase it everyday follow
it just
live,
love
most of all
be happy.
  
love
Aphrodite.
Ash Jun 2018
If you can't see
anything beautiful about yourself
get a better mirror
look a little closer
(I see my big blue eyes lol)
but just
stare a little longer
because there is something inside you
that made you keep trying
despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your broken heart
and signed it yourself
you signed it
"they are wrong"
For only you
will ever know your worth
so stare a little longer
because
"they are wrong"
Ash Jun 2018
Some nights,
Am the fallen star,
with too many wishes
hanging upon it.

Some days,
am the wilted flower,
which has seen too many winters
and too few springs.

Mostly I am the invisible presence
that never quite learnt to show itself.
I have watched too many people
and know too well the bitter scent of pretence in the air.

They will pretend to,
see you,
know you,
love you.

Only for them to,
hurt you,
leave you,
**** you

Life is a party some said
but no one warned me
against uninvited  Guest.
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