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Cody Al Feb 2019
You cannot keep people from coming and going
No matter how hard you try people will come and go as they please in your life, even if it hurts
It is important for them to be happy, as well as it is for you to be
But it is not their responsibility to keep you happy

That is yours
The longer you fight and scream to keep them there
The more it will hurt in the end
So maybe it is just best to let people leave as they please
Even if it means to sit there alone in the middle of the night with a cup of alcohol in your hand
Sitting in the dark crying as you try to figure out what you did so wrong that made them leave

But it wasn't you that did anything wrong
You were just you, and you are perfect as long as you are happy
They did not do anything wrong either
They did what they needed to do for them to be happy

Neither of you are responsible for one another
You do what you can to keep YOU happy

When you put others first, you teach yourself that you come last
Put yourself first always
Treat others how you want to be treated
Be kind to others always

Even though it is in the name, common sense isn't as common as you would hope for
You have to respect others opinions
Even if it goes against what you say and like

You are alone
But you aren't lonely in any way
You have people here with you
Even when it doesn't feel like it

So let those people leave
Let more enter
Don't be afraid to leave others as well
Take care of yourself
Put yourself first

You are the main character of YOUR story, not THEIRS
The most you can do is tell the person why you are leaving if there is a reason
Give them that closure if you can
I will no longer be holding people back with my insecurities
This is just something that is on my mind that I struggle with immensely and need to realize
  Oct 2015 Cody Al
I'm just soaking
in it
Just counting the
Blood stained water
It's hardly the time now
is it
When you're breaking a
little bit
Shoving purple fists
I just can't help
it now
You'll have to show
me how
Not to cut myself into
I'm so sorry
that I
Can't keep my ****
face dry
But the water is above
You could do so much
Instead you chose to keep getting
This tub has been keeping
I can't seem get out of
my skin
And I kept thinking where
have you been
It has started to fill up
But you have decided to
stay afloat
While I begin to sink beneath
the boat
At least I can see you
Cody Al Oct 2015
When you are still sick but you have to act healthy
Because either way you have to go to school
And do chores
And get up
Because you education was deemed more important
Than your mental and physical health
So you sit there at the table with a smile on your face
Trying to eat your way past the feeling that lingers
The feeling to throw up  everything and anything
But you tell yourself that the day is almost over
Even though you know
You know that once you get home it starts
The yelling about the chores leaving you little time to do the homework
But when you finally get to it and finish
It is one in the morning leaving you four and a half hours to sleep
The little sleep leaves you feeling sicker
A lot more sicker than before
But you still swallow that scream
That scream for help
You ask yourself why repeatedly
Then you remember as you sit there with a closed mouth and open ears
Being told that you are worthless if you are not perfect
You open your mouth to yell that you have a meaning
But once again your voice is gone
You learn quickly that your voice does not matter
It does not matter in any situation no matter what
  Oct 2015 Cody Al
Anne Sexton
I'm afraid of needles.
I'm tired of rubber sheets and tubes.
I'm tired of faces that I don't know
and now I think that death is starting.
Death starts like a dream,
full of objects and my sister's laughter.
We are young and we are walking
and picking wild blueberries.
all the way to Damariscotta.
Oh Susan, she cried.
you've stained your new waist.
Sweet taste --
my mouth so full
and the sweet blue running out
all the way to Damariscotta.
What are you doing? Leave me alone!
Can't you see I'm dreaming?
In a dream you are never eighty.
  Oct 2015 Cody Al
Heather Butler
He was never your daughter,
not since the day he was born.
He was an identical twin to his sister, sure,
but your daughter? No.

I am dating your daughter, sir.
He has an assortment of ways to please me.
I love him, and he knows it;
he orders his ***** online to please me.

He was never your daughter.
Couldn't you tell from the way he looked
awkward in dresses?
The way he always cut his hair short?

He was never your daughter;
I am dating your daughter, sir;
but he is not, never was, a sister
to the brother who just wanted a hug.

"She feels like she's wearing the wrong decoration;
how would you like it if I put you
in a dress and paraded you around
in front of your friends?"

He was never your daughter, ma'am,
but you knew it.
He is not a lesbian, he's something different.
He is not your daughter, any more.

Certainly we all know
he wears things to hide his *******.
And while I know what's down there in his pants
he won't let me see it.

He was never your daughter,
but I knew that.
I knew when he said, "FtM,"
that he was something different,

something special.

"I want to be a pelican
and have a bag for a face."
"Baby, baby, baby."
"Where's my ****?"

I've spent a month with your daughter,
and he cannot wait to tell it to your face
that he's moving out.
  Oct 2015 Cody Al
Landon Cole Jaxcen H
Oh my god, what have you done to your hair
Please tell me you didn’t buy those clothes with the money I gave you
What happened to the you that I use to know?
Why are you doing these things to yourself?
What have you done to my baby girl.
And there we go: that right there is just it.

Your baby girl isn’t the correct terms anymore
Don’t you remember when I was little,
All the times I ran around looking like I did.
You can’t tell me that you thought I’d really grow out of that.
When I was just a wee kid I think deep down I knew, I was just unsure of what it meant.
When I was only in the fifth grade I had a girlfriend, but we didn’t really know that.

Love, and what does that truly mean?
Favoritism, lying, shame, broken- hearted, depression, think on all of that.
Do any of the above mean crap to you now?
I know I’m not the favorite kid you don’t have to fake it anymore.
Face this, we all know that I’m the unwanted, the black sheep, bah bah.
Although I will give you that you both help me out a lot.

What is the reasoning behind this you ask, but I shall not give you the answer you want.
The reasoning is for me to explain that who I am is who I will always be.
Maybe I’ll even improve on the person I know I am supposed to be.
I know it’s not either of your faults that I didn’t develop the right parts.
I would change the way I am if I could because no it’s not easy, trust me I hate it too.
It’s a chemical imbalance they say, something you can be born with.

Why am I sitting here pouring out my heart that I already have on my sleeve?
I have no reason to believe that anything could even matter at this point.
We all know I will be me and you will disapprove regardless.
You say you love me in which I do believe that you both do.
My only thing is I feel as if I’m just not what you wanted.
Hell I wasn’t even meant to be so maybe that’s why I’m the black sheep.
Baahh Baahh cried the poor baby sheep.

Wiping the tears of my face now, I’m sorry dad. I’m sorry, mom.
I didn’t mean for this to happen, I hope you don’t mind another son.
I know it’s going to be heart breaking and mostly against God as you always say.
I know life isn’t meant to be perfect maybe that’s why I’m cursed with this pain.
The fear of it all is so scary I wish I could truly change.
I hope you know this has nothing to do with my preference in which I’m with.
For that sake is another topic we shall not address for now.

With all this out on the table now, I say it’s time to eat, feast on it with however you want my dear parents.
To the final tale about how the baby girl became a grown man no one ever knew about.
  Oct 2015 Cody Al
Fen Aarons
Born, I was Kaylynn. And I hated that.
I despised it so I got a new name, but this one just keeps sticking to me.

Nicknamed at two years old, I was Boogaree. I liked it for a while.
Given by my autistic older brother for my peekaboo skills
It was written on birthday cakes as a term of affection.
But death and destruction have wrecked my life since
Now the name brings bad memories
Makes me cringe.
So, I changed it again.

I chose any name I could.
Kayla, Kay, Kitty, Kimmy, even heather.
I ran from my birth name and my past.
Just like masks, though, they soon wore off.
People could see into the cracks of this facade.

I stumbled apon Jason.
A boys name?
I couldn't take that.
It would be unacceptable, aren't I a girl?
So I struggled for a bit with my gender identity.
I figured it out.
I came out.
But the closest person to me ran.

My brother added the Y and with my moms approval I was Jayson

But I feel like I rushed into this name
Can you rush a name?
Its been almost a year
Can I change one last time?
I just want to be me.
But being myself is the hardest thing I'll ever do.

So I'll test out this new name. I found it when I wasn't looking and it has stuck
Maybe I'll give it a test run?

But I'm afraid of the retaliation.
This is just a short poem/story about some of my nick names. I was rambling it off at almost 6am after an all nighter. I'm sure its crap. Maybe I'll edit it when I wake up tomorrow.
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