The bustle and the tedium
Are things I need escaping from
Yet time speeds by and still have I
Not planned a foray ‘neath the sky
To places that I know will put
My careworn brow back where it ought
To be.  And so my torpor worsens;
I begin to draw-back from random persons
I give up as I’ve done before
But freefall further.  What a bore
I have become...the quintessential
Flawed human… (how provincial)


It’s time to make the drive up north
To face my demons and burst forth
Upon the beautiful scenes I’ve seen
In years gone past, blue, brown, and green
Across sacred Adirondack waters
I must lead my son and daughters
Set up camp and sweat and think
Stoke the fire, pray, and drink
Climb and swim with nonchalance
This head and heart need renaissance
So I say, …and so I need to do
But I’m crippled from this moody blue

Hello there, Poetry...
It's been far too long,
This hack has been stuck,
Amidst sorrow's song,

A turning of seasons
Can make pilgrims blue,
The sadness of change
Can be hard to wade through

Hello, Poetry,
It's no one, just me
I invite you, ...come in!
Come set my soul free!

-
I wake
    A thirst
        A terrible thirst
            Rouses me from dreamless sleep
                So down to the kitchen
                    To douse and slake
                         With book in hand...
-
Aurthur
    A hero?
        This King of golden,
            Olden tales
                More like David
                    Than I previously knew!
-
A boatload of infants
    Four weeks old and unattended
        Born around May Day
            And a good man's wife
                Plays wet nurse
                    to King Aurthur's undoing
-
Elsewhere on my bookshelf,
    Apollo strips
        Marsyas of his outer finery
            After winning the battle
                ...Of the bands
-
Flayings a-plenty on canvases  
    In my image search results
      ...With "happy little trees"
            And the Faun
                 Skinned to his knees
-

Soothing voice of Bob Ross plays
    on loop in my head

Some of the only peace that has come
    Of late

-
Happy-little-flayings
    Happy-little-monstrosities
-

The sky is darkened, the sun is hiding
    his face in skies over 'round the
        eastern edge...and the moon is
            refusing to shine her light.

-

I open my throat and try to
    say...anything
        
           To YOU
.
.
.
And back toward my bedroom I climb

Altruism, at its best,
Is only a means to pass a test
That you perceive you are in...
Of an absent God who licks your chin

    "What, in her do you see? Pray tell!"
"She's so selfless; generous to all."
    "So she tells me", I think to myself.
"...To all but you.", I think.  And stall.

What do I tell my dear dear brother?
What do I tell this brilliant boy?
That I'd rather he find another?
Altruism schmaltruism - Where's the joy?

Out of the ashes
Altruism arises
Here in this place
There are no prizes

There are no rewards
Other than bragging rights...

Cut the cord. Loose the bonds.
It's flimsy fodder - to offset fights

Diggin', delvin'
Such a melvin
Rattling ruins
Boston bruins

Did you get what you wanted?
Did it help with your happiness?
Did it help with those feelings you felt?

Do you feel enlightened?
Does the knowledge feel solid?
Have you started to ...melt?

Does it help with the pain?
Did you get what you wanted?
Are you where you want to be?

Shoveling crud
Dig in the mud
Turning thoughts over
White cliffs of Dover

Fumbling forward
Awaiting the watchword
Dialectic dealings
Headaches and healings

"Did you know when one leg is longer
That it shows - or the likelihood's stronger
That the patient probably had father issues."

...Now hand out the tissues

You were a good man
I wish I'd thanked you more
You never sketched out this plan
Now you walk along the golden shore

Along the edge of the glassy sea
Outside of time and space
One day you'll give us the nickel tour
As we grow accustomed to your new face

We will know it's you right away
From the way you welcome us all
With your oh so familiar laugh
And your West Virginia drawl

And you'll regale us then
With the deep things you've derived
Hand in hand with the author of life
Between 2016 and the day we arrive

O Lord forgive me
Everything's hazy
I can't seem to live right
Without going crazy

My head is exploding
My gut is as well
You'd think this deters me
Like the prospect of hell

But time and again
Over and over
It doesn't, I hover...
Poison is lover

It's witchcraft, it's spirits,
Unholy devices,
It's victual vices,
And *** with sweet spices

It's worm of tequila
And the shine of the moon
It's Shire in my bowl
It's the Green Fairy's spoon

Lord I am wretched
I may be near-dead
I can't stop the pounding in
My ears, eyes, and head

I just want deliverance
I'm stuck in this bog
...well, maybe I'll just try
The hair of the dog...?

I don’t tell you oft’ enough
You’re heroic! It must be tough,
Cause each night you are tryin’ to tame me

To get me to turn an eye that’s blind
To not mention the tumbler of wine
Or the whiskey, which is near enough to slay me

Oh you tell me I am being lame
And why it’s me that is to blame
And when asked whose fault this is, you’ll say me

And while you’re spewing words of hate
You tell me I don’t appreciate
All that you do, oh darling ...can you blame me?

Sarah, Charlotte, and Little Pete
Wander down the tree-lined street
Toward Listwood playground's swings
Charlotte hums and Sarah sings

Peter talks without a breath
Bores his  listeners half to death
For they don't know his special speech
"I weawwy weawwy twy to weach"

"Weach fow da staws, it's hawd as heww
To say the aw sound owa fowm an ew" +
R's and L's are not his forte
But that won't stop him from trying to say

Whatever is flitting through his mind
And my boy Pete is oh so kind
My children make me proud as hell
And every day my love will swell

Pushing swings beneath the stars
Then hanging from the monkey bars
Then up the pole and down the slide
Then home with these three by my side

Their Daddy loves them so much more
Than anything he's loved before
Except, perhaps, for their mother
I love these four more than any other

I came across a piece of paper from 2013, when Charlotte was five. I had jotted this down:

"New word Charlotte made up:
Orsificant (adj.) Both smart AND wise"

I still like the sound of that word.

And God, how I wish I were orsificant.

Long, long ago
More than a few grandmothers back
The eye of Mr. Strachan
Was drawn to one Miss Jex
Out for an airing
With pipe and tree
Moss and rock
Water of the Awen
Began to flow
And his quill flitted
Across the leaf
As the veery thrush song
Spiraling through the air
Stultified him there
In his personal sanctum
‘Neath pine and locust
And glints in orbs
Foretold the progeny to come
The rabbit-cart-man
That hard-working peasant
Claustrophobia and smoke rings
Whiskey with sweet and smoky notes
Industrial accidents
Morality lessons
Spiced with misinformation
And hearty laughter before and after
And all led toward my creation

I'll pour myself another cup
And try to keep from looking up
As I stare at my reflection
In a spoon

And all the worries of the day
Will slowly start to melt away
As I breathe in this night air and watch the moon

It has been a wild ride
Head is throbbing, what a tide
That's rising  
With the smiling man tonight

I think I will just pay my bill
Venture to the top of the hill
And sit, pondering 'neath the cold blue light

My heart's still beating; I don't want
To be the one to push and taunt
The crazies surely will be on the prowl

And here am I, beneath the sky
I'm one of them, and so ...I sigh
And say a prayer,
         and toast to Mr. Owl

"Who cooks for you?
Who cooks for you all?", he asks,
To me it’s quite a funny query...

"It's me", say I, toward the sky,
"May you feast and hoot and fly!
And may your magic never cease to carry!"

Intoxicated laughter, sober rage
Both are made within this cage

Silent prayer and crippling fear
Are always present when you're near

The end of this short time with breath
Mysterious, this launch toward death

                                 ---


                            The LORD will ******
                                                          ­ Every
                                                           ­   One

                                             It seems to be
                                                      How HE
                                                       Has fun


                                   ---


     See now I am completely clean
         And notice how
             these thoughts
                 careen?


                          •••  ---  •••

Let's cling to hope
It's all we've got
We hope it isn't
All for naught

Let's cling to the hope
That God has planned
An amazing banquet
A rockin' band

A natural high
So real so true
In our new bodies
You, you, and you

ALL are invited
And ALL will arrive
LOVE will win
We needn't strive

Just open up
Your weary eyes
And know that here
Around you lies

A magic love
Hidden from view
And waiting patiently
For you

God delights in fulfilling
Every prayer detected
But never...ever
In the ways expected

So "nearer my God to thee"
I'll sing as I go down
And oh so happy will I be
As I transform and leave this town

This bright believing band
Far from foolish
Neither narrow, nor numbed
Not a bit of what I planned will work
Excruciating, their sound;
How they strummed...
E Major, A minor, E Major, A minor
Endlessly repeating
Waiting for a sign ...or something
Sit, stand...
Make polite conversation,
Our hazy cocoons enshroud us
And we can believe
(Or not believe)
Either is easy-
We're not proud of this.
We attend this mimsy mayhem because we're searching for something lost here during our childhood
A sense of tribe
Of familial bliss
But we've lost touch
We are isolated
Disillusioned
Done
We don smiles and walk out
Wordlessly

My bones are sore
At close of day
With pain in feet
And hair more grey

Now begins the
Springtime slurry
Winter's death,
The sprouting fury...

But it's the autumn
Of my days
And joints now throb
And mind's a haze

Yet Spring awakens
Yearnings which
Have long lain dormant
How the itch

Distracts a stiff
From daily dribblings
Daydreams, donned
With nubile nibblings

And out into
The wood I jaunt
Till pagan ponderings
Hellishly haunt

The corners of
My craggly crown
The parietal plunder
Pulling down

But satyr romps
Among tree bases
With myriad pictures
Of countless faces

Create a stiffness
'Mid sickened stones
Not of ***** but
Of the bones

At close of day
A man lay hoping
For another day's
Eyes to open

O new day come
It's not too late
Inner wellspring
Satiate!

In a minute I’ll start again,
It’s the same as it has always been;
With every human’s desire to change,
This whole world of women and men.

Mere cell death has changed me:
Shedding and shredding and shedding this skin
Looking but longing for old points of view;
Looking without what was once within.

Here, with a passing glance,
Chance has shown a glimpse of the true,
For you aren’t a bit who you were before,
Go forth and rejoice for the updated you!

Have you ever had a pivotal moment,
When suddenly all the world seemed to shift?
And everything that you once thought true,
Just left you lost, out at sea, adrift...

In a minute I’ll start again
It’s the same as it always has been
A world with blinders bustles about
Without the courage to look within.

Down in the quantum foam

When you are walking the Planck

          It’s even deeper

          Even deeper

It’s even deeper you roam

On down to foreign banks



Upon the salient loam

Afloat on quantum seas

          It’s even deeper

          Even deeper

Untying strings you comb

Through Heisenberg’s uncertainties



Certainly, You know just where You are

As well as your true speed

          Loved and hated

          Trifurcated

String to well past largest star

With knowledge of my need



Unfathomable space

And structures in-between

          Even Larger...

          Larger, larger

With a smile upon Your Face

With a passion and a gleam



With your pinwheel doing cartwheels

You don your sombrero

           Iridescent

          Omnipresent

Before breaking seven seals

You pause and feed the sparrow



Scaling Sloan’s Wall

Like it was but a curb

          Here, you're at

          In no time flat

Redemption from the fall

Released with such reverb

My grandma is a fish
I saw the gaping mouth
The hook was just a wish
To pull her back down south

The gurgling and gasping
Were more than I could bear
Gnashing and convulsing
I felt a tiny tear

Ed just wouldn’t wake
From his sleeping chair
The paramedics’ take
Sank Mert into despair

Then not much later on
It happened just this way
She had a small procedure
The surgeon’s knife filleted

And when the job was done
Within a god ****** day
I got a call at work
And what you had to say…

She’s not long for this world
We’re going to unplug
Come down and say your peace before
we salt her like a slug

She doesn’t want to be
Kept alive with a machine
To go against her wishes
Would be a trifle mean

The big brains all are saying
She’s just a little old
And though she’d probably make it
If she did what she was told…

She doesn’t want to live alone
So let her keep her pride
Here is an exception
To that rule on suicide.

I just wanted to run, I just wanted to hide…

I just hated your faces; it just felt like you lied...

I am a fixer; I want to repair,

I want to remedy your woes,

And take you up to highest heights,

The place where my heart goes



Each time I hear your voice,

In the timbre that matches your playful eyes,

Dulcet lovely tones, so choice,

It expands my mind, you must realize,



Ah, but instead I damage more,

The very muse I hold so dear,

So uncomfortable I become,

At the sound of the tiniest tear,



And yet, I love you, Muse,

An oafish child, though I am still…

You inspire the best of me,

You’re my Venus in the clamshell!



I want to frame your face,

When your smile allays my pain,

And gentle words drip from your lips,

Like drops from leaves after the rain,



You quicken my belief,

And make me want to try,

To be the best that I can be,

To make you glad, and keep you nigh.

At length, he dons the fez and smoking jacket, lights a fire and a pipe and reclines in his high-backed Shangri-la chair.
The lips of his lover, hover...
Awaiting his own.

In a hovel
In the middle
Of the dark moor

Lives our favorite
Anti-hero
From our folklore

He is waiting
For electric
Thoughts to surface

If you're wond'ring
Is he wand'ring
Yes, he sure is

But he nightly
Comes to sleep here
In his old shack

Where he'll always
Feel that he can
Find his way back

'Dines on squirrel,
Hand-picked field greens
...and an orange

Never mending
That old roof leak
Or that door hinge...

'Talks of hellfire
And of brimstone
Oh what is it

'Sends a person
To their limits
When they visit?

Maybe it's his
Dissertation
On "what's out there"

Or his casting-
Out the demons
From his armchair

Or perhaps his
Concrete notions
Of what truth is

And his staunch wit
Which at times can
Be just ruthless

Yet he's kind and
Truly loving
When I visit

Kindly, warmly,
Locking my gaze
Oh what is it

Makes a person
Want to stay far
From the bustle

Separating
From the life mass
And the hustle

Singing songs to
Phantom longings
And the west wind

And then only
Posthumously
Will his song end

And it's true that
Dissonant, he
Finds his thoughts are

Bestow blessings
On his blind eyes
And his guitar

Epitaph i

He loved
He tried
He lived
He cried
He fought
His head
He rests
He's dead


Epitaph ii

Here lies Haschi-moto
His eyes are clouded over
His blood is thick as pudding
So let him feed the clover


Epitaph iii

When life is at its end
You'll end up here, my friend

Beneath the earthen quilt
A dearth of fear and guilt


Epitaph iv

Life was very hard
But now I have some rest
Asleep here in this lovely yard
With no drum beating in my chest

So peaceful is this time
In bed, beneath the ground
I'll rest-up with no cares
'Til Christ returns with trumpet sound


Epitaph v

Here lies the tired vessel
Drained entirely of its hustle
Here's hoping he won't wrestle
With fire, sulphur,
shredded muscle

He praised his silent God above
For all that He did give
For teaching him to cope and love
And the blessed life he got to live

Ah yes, I remember this well,
The fumbling about in the darkness of  the cottage, as the narrator feels his way around the room,
The hair raising sound described,
A pronunciation of his friend's name,
By some being that seemed crystalline rather than organic
And the adrenaline that electrified his whole body upon hearing it.

The odd extra-tellurian reference frame that the creature seemed bound to so that it was not quite perpendicular to the floor...
...but that doesn't quite describe it.
It was, more accurately, that the creature was tied to some external reference frame which doesn't quite match our own.

While reading the story aloud to my children, Modulating my voice as adroitly as I am able, Pausing occasionally to define terms or explain references to the preceding book in the trilogy, I'm struck again by the author's talent; the depth and breadth of it, the power of description to elicit mood in the reader,
The completeness...and I wonder how many rewrites it took.

I notice the breathing of two of my three children has become regular.  
They've drifted to that other plane of existence.  
I pause...and Lottie's voice, a little too loud, cuts the near silence, "You aren't stopping, are you?", causing her sister to stir briefly.  "Nope!", say I, and I continue, doing my best to keep the theatrics in my voice.  
But the words are starting to dance on the page as I grow cross-eyed in my languor.

Finally I reach the chapter's end, place the bookmark and say, "And that, my dear, is where we'll pick up the story next time".  
I reach to turn off the bedside lamp, and sleep for an hour or so until Lady Di gets home from the hospital.

These beings, surrounding me now, causing me to lie on my side at the very edge of the bed, taught me what love really is.  I love them more than I can ever express.

Throbbing twinge
To blinding light

Doubling over

Pinioned, you'll hover
For a moment

The trap is set
All it takes is a tiny misstep

Just an inch
And the bone and sinew

Unhinge
...
Like a snubbed lover

Crippling and crumpling
My very form

To this spot on the pavement
Where I squirm comically

Attempting to right myself
Useless.

I resolve to keep moving

Grit teeth
Eyes squeezed shut

The elusive sigh of relaxation
Seems like a long forgotten myth

Contentment, worry,
Love and fury,

Fear and bravery,
Knighthood, knavery,

Joy and sorrow,
Today, tomorrow,

                                        I accept it all.


Truthing, lying,
Singing, sighing,

Sitting, leaping,
Running, sleeping,

Living dying,
Though I'm crying,

                                        I will eat it all.

Brother Jimmy, stop a while, take a seat and listen ...
Listen to the whoosh of the A/C ebb and flow...
It seems imbibing corporate rules and little lies that glisten
Is not a healthy diet, don't you know(?)

This place has got you sick and tired and haggard as a hound
But bless your soul with rock, and roll your eyes, you stilted hack,
Though this time, maybe, wait until review time comes around,
"The man" is just the man to hold you back

We find that just a tad of mirth to hide the grit-teeth might,
Just be the way to keep the ship from sinking.
And when the pounding's in my head, my eyelids clamp down tight,
My prayer then, is reign me in, and guard me from free thinking

There’s a germ under my toenail and it’s telling me what to do

There’s a germ that’s much to blame for why I’m losing touch with You


And I don’t know what to do, Lord, ‘bout wand’ring and revolt

But it’s the germs, Oh God, …
You know it’s not my fault.



There’s a voice from my past, who liked to talk about true Love

And the train filling the temple and the symbol of the dove

Preaching about the fear of the LORD, Offering a shoulder for your tears

But then again, it is perfect Love that casts out fears…



Then I think of the usurper from whom I take my name

And how he left his family without a shred of shame

The youth leader was his thorn and in his flesh she stuck

And so he frolicked, and left town, and didn’t give a ****



This appendage of the Body when these two start their rambles

Scatters like the seeds… that were sown among the brambles

So we grow and change and join in with a new throng - and we’re bored

We’re staying now for hours, hearing words of knowledge from the LORD



And watching hippie-throw-back-chicks with banners dance and swoon

And a friend upon the floor face-down starts writhing like a Bedlam loon

But sometimes there’d be special folks who’d cut through all the bull

And artists who, like me, seriously, wanted to be full



But maybe we were meant to learn to starve upon this earth

Like Franz’s fasting artist, I’ve been hungry since my birth

But couldn’t find the food I liked, nothing would suffice

“I’ve food that you know nothing of”, quips the Bread of Life



It’s been a masquerade of sorts… a lying to my self

The yearning’s real and solid as a tome upon a shelf

I’m happier when feigning faith (I think) I heed the call

But secretly, I feel as though I’m talking to the wall



The chasm yawns and stretches to unfathomable dimensions

Atonement is a far-off thing; …the germs control all my intentions

Or are we of a higher-order, on a lower-order plane,

Watched with love as we trudge and labor through this pain?




Fifth dimension beings in a four-dimensional place

Scholars trapped in meaty bags unwitting contestants in this race

To see if we can run it well, and in the end be told

Well done! …And now, I’ll remove your cursed cruel blind fold




To a God unknown, I freely state my low and perverse ways

I treat myself, and love myself, to make it through my days

With mercies new each morning and with amazing grace

It’s possible, through outrageous fortune, someday I’ll see your face

Away he galloped
The gallant savant
Over hill and dale

The sun shone
On his anointed head
And flashed on his mail

With sword in hand
(The sword he'd got
From the Lady of the Lake)

He skewered through
(And sauced it too)
A tender, juicy steak

Last night, we buried her body
Down at the bottom of the hill

The moonless night was crisp and cold
    The slip of foot and blanket fold
        We very nearly lost our hold
     I caught a nasty chill

From seven till nearly half past eleven
We dug a hole and buried Lil.

This was no common dog
This wonder, understand

Was gentle beyond words and could
    Do any trick you want, for food,
        She'd even say "hello", she would!
     She'd weave or sit or stand


So somehow
we believe
she would never leave

But she had to go...she had to go
...it's not
what we had planned

But Lily,
darling dear,
we understand.

--

We are barely covered
The *** is boiling over
Forest fires are raging
For hours, here I've hovered
With my lucky clover
Blessed and bald and aging

Let's open up the cupboard
Turn the bottle over
Our fears to start assuaging
Against these woes we'll shove hard
Until we start to sober
And dread commences caging

The creatures emerge
in ones
and twos

Into brightness,
eyes blinking
to fight the glare

Grasses smothered
all winter
regain their hues

And cool wisps
of ozone
enliven the air

As groups congregate
within
the scene

The joy
of lost burdens
revives the Song

And the finely forged
freedom
you glean

Is the motive
for living
and loving this throng

It is the eve of your leaving
I cast about for tasks
To occupy my mind
I emote very little
Not wanting to seem anxious
Or blue

I trust you will take care of yourself...

And your companions

Know your limits.

Please,
Be ever so careful
Watch out for danger

Look lively and remember us
The Edge is no stranger
But tread lightly

That sadness won't be quelled
With reckless abandon

Here I am again going on
And on.

I will be thinking of you
Awaiting your return
In one piece

And here we are once again
Pen in hand, with a hollow longing
Sing of wanton joy and hope
Coping. Can you see the string?

Fling wide the windows, and,
Candy coat the sour parts
Tarts delight and frighten us
Fuss and fret about these starts...

And stops.

It's always just out of reach it seems
Dreams are something better forgotten
Rotten, my wrongs, with regrets of paths not trod
Fodder for turning and throwing my lot in

I desire it in the innermost places
Paces I've put us through seem to outshine
Divine interventions I thought that I wanted
Haunted my wish for true joy to be mine

HELLO UP THERE LORD, Is there anyone up there
Cherishing children who call on thy Name?
Shame that I can't seem to hear see or feel you
Why so taciturn, seems such a shame