Now he departs
For the adventure after a lifetime

When he gets home he will see all
The holy men he read about

What a sight to see.

He leaves this winter for good
And enters into eternal Spring

He is smiling
And there will be no more tears from him

While we have them for lack of him...

Where he exists, he will be overwhelmed.

And I believe
Or hope

No, believe

That we will ALL be with him someday
In the eternal

Diggin', delvin'
Such a melvin
Rattling ruins
Boston bruins

Did you get what you wanted?
Did it help with your happiness?
Did it help with those feelings you felt?

Do you feel enlightened?
Does the knowledge feel solid?
Have you started to ...melt?

Does it help with the pain?
Did you get what you wanted?
Are you where you want to be?

Shoveling crud
Dig in the mud
Turning thoughts over
White cliffs of Dover

Fumbling forward
Awaiting the watchword
Dialectic dealings
Headaches and healings

"Did you know when one leg is longer
That it shows - or the likelihood's stronger
That the patient probably had father issues."

...Now hand out the tissues

...


Hang on

Just until this evening

Stay strong

It's not as bad as it seems

        And if you
Focus on the distance
Well, it seems so far away
        But if you
Lower your gaze,
See just the next steps,
You'll make it there someday
        You've got to...


Hang on

Here's where it gets rocky

So hum a song

Don't think about the climb

        'Cause when you
Think about the goal
It seems more
Daunting than it should
        And it's not
Like you haven't
Trained for this,
You've done all that you could
         So just...


Hang on

For just a little longer, just

Hold tight

To those that you can trust

        For we can't
Shoulder every
Burden that we
Come across alone
        It's not like
Anyone can swim
Without first
Sinking like a stone
        So when you're
Drowning in the
Daily sludge, don't
Keep it all inside
        Can't be that
Stubborn man you
Always were, so
**** your stubborn pride
 
        Just reach out...
                Grab the rope...
               
        And *hang on.

I'm in it

Wandering

Your silence is deafening

And here I am, floundering.

Now my frequent exhaled "jeez" is the cheesiest

I'm generally meandering - on the path I see as the easiest

My vision is encumbered by the sand in my eyes

My judgement is impaired by my lack of supplies

This time in the desert should beget new perspectives

But instead, nothing's born but new harsh self-invectives

In the silence, tooling a song,

At least the shadows are now growing long,

Ah yes, I remember this well,
The fumbling about in the darkness of  the cottage, as the narrator feels his way around the room,
The hair raising sound described,
A pronunciation of his friend's name,
By some being that seemed crystalline rather than organic
And the adrenaline that electrified his whole body upon hearing it.

The odd extra-tellurian reference frame that the creature seemed bound to so that it was not quite perpendicular to the floor...
...but that doesn't quite describe it.
It was, more accurately, that the creature was tied to some external reference frame which doesn't quite match our own.

While reading the story aloud to my children, Modulating my voice as adroitly as I am able, Pausing occasionally to define terms or explain references to the preceding book in the trilogy, I'm struck again by the author's talent; the depth and breadth of it, the power of description to elicit mood in the reader,
The completeness...and I wonder how many rewrites it took.

I notice the breathing of two of my three children has become regular.  
They've drifted to that other plane of existence.  
I pause...and Lottie's voice, a little too loud, cuts the near silence, "You aren't stopping, are you?", causing her sister to stir briefly.  "Nope!", say I, and I continue, doing my best to keep the theatrics in my voice.  
But the words are starting to dance on the page as I grow cross-eyed in my languor.

Finally I reach the chapter's end, place the bookmark and say, "And that, my dear, is where we'll pick up the story next time".  
I reach to turn off the bedside lamp, and sleep for an hour or so until Lady Di gets home from the hospital.

These beings, surrounding me now, causing me to lie on my side at the very edge of the bed, taught me what love really is.  I love them more than I can ever express.

[]    []    []    []    []    []    []    []    []    []




Fait­h is believing without seeing

So how does one have “more faith”?

How exactly does one believe?

Belief is...the elusive wraith...



Do I say in my mind, “I believe, I believe!”,

And eventually find that it’s true?

Or does it require clear-cut demonstrations?

And if so, what evidence will do?



Some faith is required when the teacher explains

Four divided by two equals two

But then in the classroom of any good teacher

This assertion is proved to be true



But what of the esoteric abstract assertions

The proclamations about the unseen

(The help that is given by clergy or guru)

Are they true, or designed to just grease the machine?



How does one do it? How do they have

A “personal relationship” with a dead man?

Or a living GOD who lives on the throne,

But chooses stone silence as part of his plan?



Or is GOD there, screaming His head off at me?

While I am just too dense to hear?

Oh why is there so much trouble receiving

The message from One who created the ear?



I want to, I want to, I want to believe,

And someday I’ll find it’s all true

Meantime, I’m sitting here, heart on my sleeve,

Blurting my hurt… *and so blue

I've got
an itch
to get out
of this city,

I'm done.  
I'M DONE!
I'm sick of
this flow...

Let's go down
to the ocean
and swim
with the rays.

Let's watch
the sandpipers
as they run
to and fro...

I picture
a place
high
on a cliff

Only
accessible
during
low tide

Where *****
are our lunch,
and we pay
with sand dollars

Which we find
while we walk
down the shore
side by side

Hello stress
Goodbye rest
Hello late nights
Hello appetite
Goodbye judgement
Hello lament

Workouts are fleeting
Enter bad eating
My addictions just shift now
From TV to...what now?

It's drugs in the morning
It's food at lunch
A smoke ring I'm forming
Now back to the crunch

Next'll be uppers then downers then more bull
And soon I'll need hard **** to feel half normal

At the end of this hectic whole putrescent week
It's a buzz and some rest and some love that I seek

Altruism, at its best,
Is only a means to pass a test
That you perceive you are in...
Of an absent God who licks your chin

    "What, in her do you see? Pray tell!"
"She's so selfless; generous to all."
    "So she tells me", I think to myself.
"...To all but you.", I think.  And stall.

What do I tell my dear dear brother?
What do I tell this brilliant boy?
That I'd rather he find another?
Altruism schmaltruism - Where's the joy?

Out of the ashes
Altruism arises
Here in this place
There are no prizes

There are no rewards
Other than bragging rights...

Cut the cord. Loose the bonds.
It's flimsy fodder - to offset fights

I'm in my childhood home
Or a reasonable facsimile thereof
And this holy man with a tome
Talks of visions and love

I seem to recall him relaying
A vision of flame on the ceiling
And fervently preaching and praying
For the group of us gathered 'round kneeling

Like an inverted brook of fire going
Up the stairway and over the hall
The fire represented The Spirit flowing
Like the tongues in Acts alighting on all

And the holy man looks like my father
With sports coat and mock turtleneck
But about details, this man can't bother
And I wake with a start. What the heck?

Trudging through the frightful torrent,
The stinging rain could cut through my clothes
The stinking smog smell is abhorrent,
And the train rumbles as it goes

I'm trying to reach a resting place,
As faces are flying faster past,
A sheltered bus stop I reach at last,
And sit myself down, and thank my good graces

I'm not quite sure just where I'm heading
It's always out of reach, it seems,
Being late is what I'm dreading,
...*That's one of my recurring dreams

Oh oppressed Silene,
Your water supply dwindles,
But the wily demonic monster
With each breath, the fire kindles,

So poisonous was the gas
Issuing from the mouth of the creature
That when it approached the city gates,
Its breath killed townsfolk who came too near

There was great fear and the people had to appease
with offerings of two sheep per day...
Until the sheep supply was depleted

Whilst they bleated, they had been enough.
Enough, the beast's hunger to quell,
But as the last sheep bleated and bleated,
The beast made it clear what power he held

His rancor, his fury, his strength ensured
That even without so much as a word,

The villagers knew the dark deeds they now had
To face, in the face of what lay ahead

"The dread, the dread!", the King had said,
"We must appease this wicked beast,
Give him this child, she's stout, well-fed
And maybe he'll withdraw to the East"

But the beast made his home in the water source,
And now had a taste for the blood of man,
And so an edict was signed into law,
A wretched and wicked compulsory plan

Both low-born and high-born must enter their names
For the sacrifice of children to the beast at their gates
And as their hopes went down in flames,
They prayed to the gods and hung hopes on the fates.

The deed would be done for the dragon's retreat,
The children were chosen by lottery,
And as the dragon devoured their young,
The villagers filled up their pottery.

The lot has now fallen to the King's fair daughter
And so, with tears, he must acquiesce,
She's bound with ropes now, down by the water,
Her face toward heaven, in fancy white dress,

When along comes George upon his mount
A shield of white, with cross of red,
And as he neared the dragon's fount,
He drew his sword and bravely said:

"Fair daughter, what are you doing there?"
Startled, she swung round and implored him thus:
"For God's sake, good knight, fly! For you cannot save me!"
And just then the dragon was roused by the fuss...

George advanced, crossing himself,
His spear set low and true
Into the jaws he ****** his spear cracking the spearhead clean through.

With yelp and gurgle the creature reeled
They led him, leashed, back into town
Then in the courtyard, his nerves steeled,
George had the people gather round

"Doubt not. Believe in Jesus Christ,
And turn from your wicked ways!"
One by one they went under,
And came up covered in grace.

"Be baptized in the name of Jesus,
And I will finish off the beast"
Then all the townsfolk, freshly dipped,
Made atonement; prepared a feast,

And in the shadows, the creature lay dead,
A giant heap, twitching- not pretty.
And it took four ox-carts to remove
The dragon's corpse from the city

We laugh
And dance
We take
A chance
The best choice
I ever made

This bright
Gold band
Upon
My hand
A symbol of
Love that stayed

That I
Could be
Made whole
And free
With you
Forever after

It makes
Me cry
So blessed
Am I
We have
Such love and laughter

You're still
My love
With eyes that shine
I, your servant,
Willingly indentured

Since Nineteen-
Hundred
Ninety-nine
We have had
Such adventures!

Helpless.
I can't even

Break
The habit

Of eating too much.
Even the dog notices.

Seems this pan of brownies isn't working...

half gone...
...still sad.

Sarah, Charlotte, and Little Pete
Wander down the tree-lined street
Toward Listwood playground's swings
Charlotte hums and Sarah sings

Peter talks without a breath
Bores his  listeners half to death
For they don't know his special speech
"I weawwy weawwy twy to weach"

"Weach fow da staws, it's hawd as heww
To say the aw sound owa fowm an ew" +
R's and L's are not his forte
But that won't stop him from trying to say

Whatever is flitting through his mind
And my boy Pete is oh so kind
My children make me proud as hell
And every day my love will swell

Pushing swings beneath the stars
Then hanging from the monkey bars
Then up the pole and down the slide
Then home with these three by my side

Their Daddy loves them so much more
Than anything he's loved before
Except, perhaps, for their mother
I love these four more than any other

Hello there, Poetry...
It's been far too long,
This hack has been stuck,
Amidst sorrow's song,

A turning of seasons
Can make pilgrims blue,
The sadness of change
Can be hard to wade through

Hello, Poetry,
It's no one, just me
I invite you, ...come in!
Come set my soul free!

We are barely covered
The *** is boiling over
Forest fires are raging
For hours, here I've hovered
With my lucky clover
Blessed and bald and aging

Let's open up the cupboard
Turn the bottle over
Our fears to start assuaging
Against these woes we'll shove hard
Until we start to sober
And dread commences caging

Everybody you encounter
Is fighting a battle
That you know nothing of...
That red-faced guy who's always yelling
Is probably on the verge of tears
The anger is a facade, put up as a defense against the world
And its crushing weight

Mike was that guy
He was old school
A stodgy codger
Life dealt him a tough hand
He lost his son seven years ago
I went to the calling hours
So incredibly sad.

I think he gave up then
What was the point anymore?
Meaningless, meaningless.
Since then his work ethic declined
Understandable.
I think he gave up seven years ago
I wonder, would I do the same in his shoes?

An ******* to some,
Belligerent to many,
His struggle was heavy and real
Last week he chose Hamlet's second alternative
He chose not to be.
My heart grieves for his wife, remaining son, daughter, and mother.
I pray God will rest his soul

Brother Jimmy, stop a while, take a seat and listen ...
Listen to the whoosh of the A/C ebb and flow...
It seems imbibing corporate rules and little lies that glisten
Is not a healthy diet, don't you know(?)

This place has got you sick and tired and haggard as a hound
But bless your soul with rock, and roll your eyes, you stilted hack,
Though this time, maybe, wait until review time comes around,
"The man" is just the man to hold you back

We find that just a tad of mirth to hide the grit-teeth might,
Just be the way to keep the ship from sinking.
And when the pounding's in my head, my eyelids clamp down tight,
My prayer then, is reign me in, and guard me from free thinking

Cement and mortar
Endlessly eroding
Cool breezes occasionally intervene
In your Dad's first job as a crane operator
Lifting piles and drivin' 'em in

Rerouting a part of the river
A steam engine pile driver still used
Years past are sketched with his words

So many little details he'd convey
Always pleased to recount them
Yesterday's scenes told and retold
Remembered romantic scenes
Eternal pictures now extant in our brains

You were a good man
I wish I'd thanked you more
You never sketched out this plan
Now you walk along the golden shore

Along the edge of the glassy sea
Outside of time and space
One day you'll give us the nickel tour
As we grow accustomed to your new face

We will know it's you right away
From the way you welcome us all
With your oh so familiar laugh
And your West Virginia drawl

And you'll regale us then
With the deep things you've derived
Hand in hand with the author of life
Between 2016 and the day we arrive

And so I fall again
Into the blackest cycles
The dark patterns
Of dreary steps
Running on auto
Not feeling like I ought to
Piloting the craft through
Though taking many hits to the hull

And perennial pardon ,
Sure as the sun will rise
With the impending dawn,
****** my plaintive passions
Sickening and splintering the dream
One from which I awake with a start
Bloodshot grogginess
My purest art

It’s worse than a hunger

But we try to make it

Go away

In any way

We can think to slake it

Try to drown it

Or smoke it out

Try to fill it with food

Try to exercise every **** day

It’s still a nagging, hollow, unbearable need

I need to throw something at it!



I drank lots of water

I worked out hard

I ate some junk food

And toked in the car

I wish I could make myself

Try really hard

But I’m numb and complacent

And my flesh won’t face it



Gotta’ get back to work

Gotta’ get back to work

❁


What were you thinking you little fool?
Don't you know life on earth is cruel?
I looked into the mirror today
I don't know what to say

You look so dried up
Guts are all *******
Into those little knots your mind has made

And I just can't tell you
You'll go to hell too if you
Don't change your mind; don't change your ways.

What were you doing out there all alone?
Don't you think it's time that that was done?
Principalities watch from the walls
If I win will the demons fall?

Can't You just open up a door?
Push me out on the threshing floor...
Help me jump past...this transience, it's no good

If I could just open up my eyes
And have a look behind Your skies
At what's supposed to be out there, I would

Why can't I love You the way that I should?
Would it help even if I could?
There I go making excuses again
Help me; help me with this amen.

I need a new drug to take
I need a new brain I think
This is not something that I can fake

Won't You just show me something true
So that I can start anew?
I really don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Is this that rock that You can't lift,
Just simply showing logic's rift?
Or is it just that I lack the gift?

Is it that this is what You planned?
Am I that vessel You can't stand?
Am I to be ...slighted by Your hand?

What was I thinking? I'm so misled…
I need to live life outside my head
If I was chosen to be destroyed
Then that's how I must be employed

I'm just so dried up
My guts are all *******
Into those little knots my mind has made

You're so funny
Sunny little honey
Singing to the trees

You are charming
Your smile, disarming
And you charm them all with ease

Don't lose that thing
That invisible string
Which draws all others to you

Good's my intention
I should mention
So happy to have knew you

Don't you fear,
Sarah dear,
For it's never a bother

Peak-a-boo,
You know it's true:
I'm glad to be your father

Sitting there
With your artistic  eye
Taking everything in until

Your steady hand
Such expertise
Creates in us a thrill

Your ebullient knack
For storytelling
And lack of inhibition

So inviting
And so loving
Of every human's condition

Your tender heart
Sets you apart
I think of you and I sigh

Charlotte my dear
Don't you fear,
I'll protect you 'til I die

I am a machine
How 'bout that
I ought to run lean
But I am not clean

Ran over a cat
Made quite an impression
My passenger spat:
"That feline is flat"

Intake, compression
Ignition, exhaust
Here's my confession
(Oh what an obsession)

And what is the cost
For sweet release?
For toxins tossed?
Redeem what is lost

I ****, squeeze,
Bang, blow...
Forget to say please,
Run hot with ease

My fluids are low
I'm 'bout to run dry
A gasket might go
And oil won't flow

Oh why even try
This machine is obscene
My insides will fry
And soon I will die

You, dear, my life, and my true love forever
Hold keys to bonds that none other can sever
You are: reason to wed, or even to die,
The laugh in my belly, the tear in my eye,
The one single being who knows me, all through.
And all of my love, dear, is due only you

When first I encountered your radiant charms,
I knew I must hold you, my love, in my arms
And never relinquish this perfect embrace!
‘Lest I should miss kissing your smile and your face,
And then could I give of my self nevermore.
All other loves lack, save the one I adore.

My foresight and function dulls daily, my bride,
And fails, for your beauty should oft’ be descried,
And my lips fail to offer the reverent speech
This lack, bind it up, Oh, my God, I beseech!
But there is the rub, for although I don’t say-
I still feel a thrill when we’re still; when we play…

This heart is still filled when you come home, my Love.
Each day, it’s made clear, I should praise God above
For granting me someone whose soul matches mine,
Whose embrace is holy, whose kiss is divine,
This Love we have found, all other loves seek! -
The lovers of old and the Poet’s mystique

And now that our love is begetting new souls,
I thrill at the thought!  And I cherish our roles!
The glint in your eyes, it unveils motherhood,
Your tenderness shows and your love’s understood,
Our future envisioned, joy fills my whole being!
Passion for you trumps my hearing or seeing!

So then, let it be known to our progeny:
That our love is true and there never could be
Another love lasting through future or past,
That’s truer or deeper than ours, or as vast!
Let none through the ages e’er have cause to doubt
My love for my dear one ‘till breath shall run out.

And when I lay dying, if you have gone first
Pray God will have mercy and make my heart burst
Or if it is I who has gone on ahead,
I pray that eternity makes, for the dead,
The time seem an instant, so when I arrive,
I’ll turn and behold you, forever alive!

•.. •.. •.. •..


IF You exist

I want to jack-in

I’d like to just get

A handle on sin



Or have some small bit

Just a smidge of control

Of my own ******* up ****

Diatribe takes its toll



You take my hand

I’ve a quickening pulse

Lead me oh God

Teach me to waltz



Father of light

Please comfort this mess

Show me the true

I’m lost, I confess



You take my hand

I’ve a quickening pulse

Lead me oh Lord, Lord

Teach me to waltz

Oh ache I ache
Look at my aim
My ache is the answer
Block that shame

Father that baby
Baby that father
Shame your brother
Blubber and bother

Bother that blubber
Sober, I slobber
Clobber that slobber
Aim to smother my lover

With harangues to the beat
That will bloom in this box
I harangue till the end
Blooms ends with tick tocks

Propeller hat:

A poem about us-

     Exquisite equation
     So simple and classic
     Calm sea of frustration
     And new life Jurassic

     Shabbily dressed to the nines
     Your metal-band flute
     My tangles of straight lines
     The angles acute

     Never cross (without reason)
     My low-born sublime
     Through good and bad seasons
     Sans passage of time


Love,
Your jello-y rock

And then she said
It's time for bed
As up the stair she led me

And as time flew
I knew it true
'Twas fate that she should bed me

That bright young girl
With skirts that twirl
Was never meant to parry

And on that day
It's fair to say
I knew that we would marry

Let us go then
Back and back

To that place
Where we first met

Nineteen hundred and ninety-four

You in the bar,
I on the floor

I saw you and
Desire sprung

From toes to groin
To head and lung

I knew your face
From misty past

And fancied glances
Fancied fast

(And where, my Dear, is fancy bred?
In the heart or in the head?)

I never dreamed
That fateful day

That our paths led
The selfsame way

I'll pour myself another cup
And try to keep from looking up
As I stare at my reflection
In a spoon

And all the worries of the day
Will slowly start to melt away
As I breathe in this night air and watch the moon

It has been a wild ride
Head is throbbing, what a tide
That's rising  
With the smiling man tonight

I think I will just pay my bill
Venture to the top of the hill
And sit, pondering 'neath the cold blue light

My heart's still beating; I don't want
To be the one to push and taunt
The crazies surely will be on the prowl

And here am I, beneath the sky
I'm one of them, and so ...I sigh
And say a prayer,
         and toast to Mr. Owl

"Who cooks for you?
Who cooks for you all?", he asks,
To me it’s quite a funny query...

"It's me", say I, toward the sky,
"May you feast and hoot and fly!
And may your magic never cease to carry!"

Contentment, worry,
Love and fury,

Fear and bravery,
Knighthood, knavery,

Joy and sorrow,
Today, tomorrow,

                                        I accept it all.


Truthing, lying,
Singing, sighing,

Sitting, leaping,
Running, sleeping,

Living dying,
Though I'm crying,

                                        I will eat it all.

MCMLXXXI

Turning point

It was the day that changed my reputation
And my teachers’ descriptions of me
From “Jim is a natural leader”
To “Jim likes to keep to himself”
It had to do with my ego
It had to do with my not wanting to eat dirt;
Wanting to save face...

In conversation around the 4th grade lunch table, the topic turned from jokes and laughing to a rating of who was tough and who was not. Alex steered it thus...and at this point, Alex and Albert were doing the talking.

"I could totally kick THAT kid's ***", said Alex.   "And probably that dude's too.  He looks like a spaz".

"Just don't mess with Big Ben or he might sit on you", said Al, trying as always to get a laugh at someone else's expense.
"You know I could kick Jim's ***.  
...Right Jim? Right, you little *****? Heh heh."

"I dunno." I say with a shrug.

"Say it.  ...SAY IT."

"...Say what?"

"Say it! Say that you know I could kick your ***", said Alex with a yellow grin.

"What does it matter? This is stupid.", I say.

"Say it", says Alex, with his best mad face..."Say that I could kick your ***.  You know I can."

"I don't know that."

"Then I guess I will have to show you", Alex sneered.  And he proceeded to tell me how he was going to come to my house and beat the living **** out of me.  

"Whatever", said I.

The day went on and, believe it or not, I forgot all about his threat.  I thought I was past it.

Well, later that day, after I was home for a while, the doorbell rang.  I was a latch key kid, and home alone.  
I had put the whole confrontation out of my mind, so for a moment, I was surprised to see Alex on the front stoop when I opened the door...

He taunted me.  He did the old fakeout punch and I flinched big time.  I instinctively tried to block with my foot, and then he said, "oh, so you're trying to kick me now?", and he pushed his way in, grabbed me by both wrists, and pulled me out onto the front lawn.  

He straddled me and punched me. Mostly in the chest...but also got a few groin punches in...to let me know he wasn't afraid to fight *****.  I was pinned and couldn't do much.  That's what made me angriest.  My helplessness in the face of this evil bully, grinning with delight at the pain he could inflict.

And here, the story gets worse.  When I was able to get away, I ran for the front door to hopefully get in and lock him out.  Unfortunately, he was on my heels and pushed his way into the house.  

And just at the point where he was literally rubbing my head against the stucco wall just inside the front door...my MOM WALKED IN.

****.  

THAT made it FAR worse.

The worst possible ending as far as a kid's reputation is concerned.  Mom grabbed Alex by the neck and put him out on his ear.

After that I had to endure, of course, the taunts of "hey look it's Jimmy...he has his Mama fight his battles for him."...beautiful.  Just wonderful.  

I got past it eventually, of course, but this episode had forever changed something in me.  My demeanor changed.  My love of my fellow man was reduced ...and I was much more focused on SELF...on navigating the social workings of elementary school unscathed.

Alex, as it turned out, had a tough family life.  Single Mom, and an older brother that beat the **** out of him regularly.  Al's home life wasn't great either, I guess.  It was that humor that grows out of pain that drew me to them in the first place.  
I've always been drawn to sources of laughter...it's a primal desire to laugh and to elicit laughter.  I've even read that monkeys have been known to tickle their children just like humans do.  

It seemed Al's humor was always at someone else's expense...and Alex had this need for power- due to his complete lack of any at home.

I like to think that I got it back, my love for my fellow man...at least  for the most part...but every now and then I catch myself saying, "look at THIS *******", and in my head categorizing folks who I perceive to have wronged me in some small way as "Alex Smith Types".  
Al is now a doctor. He's helping people daily.  
I often wonder what ever happened to Alex.  I have no idea how he turned out or what ever happened to him.  

Through grit teeth, I wish him well...the ***** *******.