Water droplets marking my page
as if my tears cant be wiped away.
I'm at the end of my ability to cope
so I ready the noose and my neck for the rope.
I think of my life and all I regret
I think of memories I wish to forget.
I then try to focus on the good not the bad
the days with my kids, well the few that we had
The days when my smile wasn't a fake
and all of the decisions that I didn't make.
I think of what my life could have been
had I chosen the other path would I still have been me?
Who would I be and would the end still be now?
Could I have been someone different,
if I'd just figured out how?
And if I managed to do it,
to be someone else..
Would that person also truly despise themself?
Or would they be happy with the life they had made,
if they were able to take the path I didn't take?
Would they be a good mom who was raising her kids?
Or would my children still even exist?
How can my life really have any worth,
when everytime I try anything it never works?
I can't even get myself off of dope for my kids,
I never expected my life to be this.
That's why I'm ready, girls please don't blame yourselves.
I just can't keep on living,
when I'm creating and living in hell.

I'm making a promise to myself, that this year will be different.
No longer will I prioritize those who do not care about my mental health. This year I will learn to put myself first, because self care is NOT selfishness, it's necessary.  
And I deserve it.  
I will love myself MORE than I fear abandonment, and I will NOT shrink myself to fit inside anyone's expectations of who I'm supposed to be.
I make a promise this year to be loud and bold and unapologetically myself. A promise that I will speak my truth, even if some might find it uncomfortable or hard to hear.
I will own every choice I make, and I will never again be controlled or manipulated into forgetting the boundaries I've set.
I promise that this year I will finally implement all the lessons that life has been teaching me.
2024 is gone
But this is not a "New year, new me" post.
Rather this is a
"New year BETTER ME, HEALED ME, HAPPY THRIVING HEALTHY ME" post.

This year I will stop questioning my worth, because I recognize I was searching for it in all the wrong places, mainly in other people.
I will never again forget my worth, because now I remember where it lies. Not outside, but within myself. I am a complete person, and never again will I stay in relationships that harm my mental emotional and spiritual self, just to avoid the loneliness.
I will stop accepting half *** people who only offer breadcrumbs. I promise to be content in myself and who I am. I make this promise to myself that I will remain happily unattached romantically, until someone comes along that does not expect me to complete them, or fix them or baby them, because they too know they are a full, complete person, all on their own.
I will not enter into any relationship unless it is because, as two whole people, we want to share eachothers fully established worlds. Not to complete or fix
eachother but to simply enjoy eachother.

I promise to never forget the hurt, the pain, the loss, and all the lessons from the past few years. But I also swear to myself not to live in those memories any longer. I have allowed my past to spoil
FAR TOO MUCH
of my present already, and I refuse to allow it to take anymore.
I finally learned what life has been trying to teach me. I finally understand why no matter how much of myself I gave away, in hopes it would bring me the love I was desperately searching for, it would have NEVER been enough.
I was giving myself to the all the wrong people, for all the wrong reasons.
I promise to forgive myself for that aswell.
I promise to not allow any unhealed people to hold my heart, because I've learned my lesson about that one. Never again will my heart be trusted to anyone who is not intouch with their own.
And although that means I am going to lose people I had thought were going to be with me forever, I will not let that break me. I will remember the good times with the people that forced me to lose them, but I will also keep the lessons from all the bad times.
I will pick MYSELF up this time, and dust off my past MYSELF.
This is going to be more than just a new chapter in the same old dusty book of me, this is the second volume. Its my part two, where the truth is revealed,  that the HERO
I've been waiting and searching for this entire time, was me, all along.
THIS is my PROMISE  to myself, and always remember, I DONT BREAK MY PROMISES.

I remember being 10 days clean
FINALLY off of Methamphetamine.
My daughter, she was 9 days new
we were living in my hospital room.
Then someone told me my kids dad
had smoked just one last time; I was mad.
See his teeth were killing him that day
and **** is best at taking pain away.
Then the addict inside me saw its chance to use.
It said "I want one last time too!"


They took her from me three months after that,
I swore up and down though, that I'd get her back.
Weeks and months came then passed,
they turned into years now.
Gone by too fast.
If I could go back I would make the right choice,
I'd silence that evil addicts voice.
But instead what I said on that day was
"I deserve one last time without any fuss."
I really thought it would be fine,
I thought I'd get right back in line.
Now 6 years later as I write,
It's 4:33 am I've been awake all night.
Because "one last time" never stays that way.
And I regret that "one last time"
EVERY
single
day.