i met you almost
two years ago
i hurt you
while scrambling
through my own pain
trying to find my way
through a dark maze
with a haze of ache

you got caught
in my rage of
a crossfire
i realized
i actually liked someone
trusted them so easily

i was angry
someone actually
made me laugh
made me smile

the hurricane
was a category five
you took shelter
far away from me
my tears dripping
from the sky

two years after
the hurricane
we are just recovering
there is life again
there is growth
there is laughter
there is happiness
there is light


there is a second chance

My chest  a c h e s  and I snarl to hide the sound of my mind fracturing, shattering into a million shards of glass and those shards bury into my skin and itch and ache and I have to get it out, get it off. Nails drag at my skin like it's a shirt, like it's a costume I can discard but then red stains the material wrinkled beneath my clawing fingers, and I can't get it off it itches and aches and it's too tight, skin-tight and it hurts when I drag drag drag at it trying trying trying to remove it from my flesh. It peels away in messy shreds of pain, but the glass is still there, it's dug deeper and now it's at my bones I can feel it pricking my bones, splitting hair-line cracks along my skeleton and the pins and needles crawl up my limbs like a hungry beast, salivating at the thought of feasting. There's a storm where my bones riot against the glass against the pain pain pain piercing me with an unholy shriek unleashed like a wild horse who needs to run from the cyclone that nips at its heels but it's stuck, tied to a fence, can't run can't flee can't escape the gaping jaws of the hurricane as it descends and wreaks havoc on the world but I'm in a cage, looking out at the ones looking in and they all frown with their blank faces and ask me ask me ask me why do you cry? why do you fight? why do you react? Because they don't feel the storm they don't feel the wind lashing at my skin or the shards of glass burrowed in my flesh and they don't see the cracks in my bones or the mess of my mind underneath my skull underneath my shelter but then it breaks. It splits open and I spill out into the world like a newly born baby and the storm is wild, the storm is cruel and loud and rough against my raw mind and I'm screaming sobbing crying for help help me please I am not strong enough to survive this world of noise and chaos I am not smart enough to build a shelter to weather the storm I am not tough enough to keep out the debris slamming into my soft skin I am not I am not I am not enough for the expectations you place upon my fragile shoulders I will break and shatter and collapse under the weight you tell me I can bear because I am small and I am weak and I am asking for your help to block out the world while I pick myself up off the wet ground and gather my wits and rebuild my fortress to ward off the storm. I'm sorry I snarled. I'm sorry I screamed. I just don't know how to plead how to lay myself bare before you let myself be vulnerable because this world is vicious and I've learnt to depend on my walls to keep me upright and merely speaking doesn't get past the stones so I scream in the hopes you'll hear me.

Everyone is searching
for the missing piece in life.
The key to unlock the door
and steal back all lost time.
Searching, looking, restless,
scanning every crack and crevice,
lying awake at night,
dreamless, empty presence.
Your broken heart
from years and years
lets laughter fall onto
your deaf ears.
No happiness is enough.
No joy can be felt.
Everyone is searching
for something to heal themselves,
yet no medicine is strong enough,
no key can ever be turned
to give us what we want the most,
to give us what we yearn.
The thing we want is an illusion.
Our perceptions are distorted.
The Snow Queen's looking glass
when it dropped and shattered.
All is worth what we rate it,
all ranked by how we place it.
Chasing what cannot be found
instead of choosing to be content.
Wanting what we do not have,
a dream that cannot be,
a masterpiece of mirages,
all too soon we believe.
When will we begin
to accept what is here?
The present day in which we live,
not the past or future.
When will we stop searching
and decide we don't need more?
Only then we will find
what we've been looking for.
The good you have is here,
yet you keep looking on,
never realizing what you had
until it is gone.

My body craves it, but my mind doesn't.
Next thing you know, the bite goes down my throat.
"Why are you doing this?"
"You're a disappointment."
"You'll never reach your dreams."
"Why don't you just eat less?"
The devil on my shoulder says.

It's not easy. It's never enough. IM never enough.

"Didn't you just eat? You're eating again? "
"Why don't you eat? You've ate nothing but gum.."
"Hey, you look a little glum are you okay?"
"I miss her so much. I had just talked to her yesterday."

i feel like i'm chasing a body
that i'll never reach
every time i feel like it's in my grasp
it slips through my fingers
hunger pangs is my new normal
skipping meals and snacks
filling up on water
as not to gain weight
losing weight is all i can think about
i never have seemed to love my body
always thinking about how i look
i compare myself to everyone
and i never achieve what they seem
to have so easily
once i lose weight
it always comes back
i can't keep it off
you can tell me thousands of times
that i'm not fat or that i look nice
but your compliments will fall on deaf ears
my body has felt big since a little kid
even when i was malnourished
i saw obesity
i'll never love myself

You're a girl with too much lightning in her veins and not enough kindness for herself.