Sometimes
I feel numb
I don't know why
It just washes over me
One minute I'm laughing
The next I'm staring blankly at the wall

I've convinced my myself that I do this on purpose, chanting in my head every Night
I want to be depressed and numb
That I want to cry myself to sleep everynight
After i've purposley forced myself to create a river of blood flowing down my Arm

I do think I do this on purpose

When you've been sad for as long as I have
Wouldn't you?

She wanted to be someone
Everyone said she couldn't
She wanted to save lives

Wanting to be important
She studied late at night
Trying to ace every test
Win every fight

She couldn't ace every test
Win every fight

She was the girl that tried to save every life
But could not save her own

I've lost myself
I don't quite remember how
All I remember was looking in the mirror and regretting
What was it I regret
I can't remember anymore

All I know is that,
I don't understand

It's late at night; I'm supposed to be dreaming

I want so badly to go into the bliss of unconsciousness

I can't bring myself to

I've let a river of red flow once again while sloppy rain drops created puddles

I've done it again; its all my fault

She was like a diamond hidden in rock

Hard to break through the rock but once you did

She was worth a million bucks

He's gone
He's gone
He's gone

Was it my fault?
Was I too ugly and fat
Or too loud and daring

These are the things I wonder as I empty my stomach
So it won't be my fault again

Things are much worse I presume
I cried a bit, cut a bit, and promised that I swear
It won't happen again

But I slipped again you see
I messed up and the blade went right to my hand
Like a magnet

There was a bit of blood not much I swear
But there were a lot of tears even so

So I guess today I cried a bit, cut a bit,
And broke a promise

I just stopped.

Smiling
Laughing
Wearing a mask

They said I had changed, I'm no longer who I once was,
Really, I just stripped myself of my protection.

I put on a short sleeve shirt
Took off the bracelets, the fake smile
Stripped my vocal cords of that pained laugh

Let them witness my scars

They say to be you, show your pain
Why was I mocked for it then?

So I just gave up....

I've made a mistake

I realized that starry night
It chanted in my head like people performing a ritual

Should I let it happen
Voice my chords
Be honest with myself

I couldn't be honest with myself
Because if I did

I would be admitting that I never stopped loving you

Nights used to be mom, brother, sister and dad
Now brother and sister have traded places with me

Nights are now mom, dad and me

Dads old school movies screaming in the background while mom scrolls through her social media and I work on an essay.

Dads bellowing laughs always bring me comfort

Words on the tip of my tounge
They seem so hard to say
Others say theirs and they are bright as day
My words are as a blackbird
Beautiful and dark
Their bluebirds are loud and shun out my start
When I try to be as they it never seems to work
Because who would want a blackbird
Dark as the earth