i shut my eyes and:
if you came
back, sorry
between your lips;
leftover fingerprints
of pride's embrace
all around you.
but you left pride
a while ago,
nonetheless.
and maybe
that would be enough
for me, for us.
because i have been
waiting for you
to come home.
and it's the whispers
of my heart
to the shooting stars;
and for the residue
of what we gripped
inside our palms
to never turn into
'what should have been's,
and instead into
'what will be,'
'what waits,'
smiles of the near and distant
future.

and i closed my eyes:
maybe this one time
i wouldn't make it right
because we would make it past.
i thought.

i thought.

that would be enough;
but reality was
late to the meeting.
and when i handed
my heart to you
eons ago,
you didn't place
your faith into
my arms.
reality was
late to the meeting.
because when i waited
for you to come home,
you did not.
for you liked the past
more than the present;
and that's where home
locates to you.
for the shooting stars
was deaf to my cries.
and the residue of what we had
had already turned into
'should have been's and
'will never be's.

there will still be smiles
in the near and distant
future;
but it will not be my smile
next to yours,
nor my smile carved by you.

You are not a gold coin.
You see, a gold coin is liked by everyone
but, not everyone is going to like you.
Even those that smile in your pretty face
will sometimes talk crap like it’s their place.
But Darling, never let this get in the way.
Not everyone is ready to hear the things you need to say.
Not everyone will capture the love you spread.
Who cares if they like you or not.
Who cares if they are nice or not.
Everyone is at their own evolutionary path
and if you want to do anything meaningful in life
your job isn’t to judge other’s path.
Your only job is to be YOU.
Your only job is to spread love and light
by speaking your truth.

This shouldn't be a goodbye
But more a farewell
But not a farewell
Maybe a see you later
You saved me from myself
And taught me how to thrive
Without you I don't know
Where I'd be
With your help
I'm free and loved
I will never forget
Our times bumping music
Rap
To EDM
To alt rock
To even my favorite songs
That one time
Outside our dorm
There were the parties
There were the failures
And the successes
The losses
And the wins
You shielded me from evil
Without covering my eyes to it
I can't explain how
You changed my life
You made me see
I am not the devil
I am no demon
I deserve to live
To be loved
There was that night
Do you remember that night
I laugh and I laugh
At how I fell
Into the bushes
And I knew you would pull me up
Like you do every time I fall
I can't be mad at you
I can't because I know
That you've done more for me
Than I can repay
Crushing drinks
Eating pizza
Lighting my room
With strips of color
I can't list off
How you helped me
Feel normal
I'm not made fun of
Because I'm not the outcast
Instead I'm that guy
With a few savage comments
And a quirky sense of humor
Instead of a bad sense
From my darkest hour
You reached into the dark
And pulled me free
Inch by inch
Day by day
Success by success
Win by win
One by one
When you told me
Not to look back
One year
Or two
Or five
Not to see the evil
Of my past
But instead to see
The beauty of my future
And as you go off
To real life
You need to know
What I have to say
Before you go to war
You need to hear
These words
You are my brother
You are my friend
You are my hero
You are my green light
You are my starting line
You are my finish line
My goal
I want you to know
That the world
Will change
As will we
But I will never forget
What you've done for me
And although you're not a fan of him
I have to quote Jon Bon Jovi
He says:
"This isn't how the story ends
My friends it's just a fork along the road
Don't say your prayers
Say your amens
You've come this far
But you're still far from home
Don't say goodbye
Just say farewell
Write every line
You'll live to tell
Hold your head high
Like Harry
Give 'em hell"
He knows
What I want to tell you
Because I can't be you
For you
But I can try
To guide you
To stay you
To stay true
To the values
You put in me
For one day
I will see the karma
As you become a millionaire
And find love
And you'll look back
And know that I've been wishing
For this upon you
Because of all you did
For me
Thank you

Sometimes I think of killing myself
How the end would be so nice
How the darkness would swallow me up
And how the numbness would suffice
My need

For all the voices of the feelings
That constantly keep me reeling
To softly slow to a hush
As my brain starts tur-tur-turning into mush

How wonderful it would be
To have that powerful silence
Not even grasshoppers would bother
To wake me

My cells would stop dividing
My brain would stop the lying
Myself would stop denying
What I truly want

But but but
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude one’s own reality

Because as I sit here on the floor
Tears drip drip dropping
I realize there’s those who care for me more
Cherish me more
Love me more
Than I love my own self

The crickets chirp
I put the pills down