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Ayeshah Dec 2015
Bitter taste in my mouth

A metallic tangy taste

He shoved in his engorged enlarged shaft

as far as it'd go

He ***** & stole away my innocents

offering wine

I find this sacrilegious

more I guess like blasphemy

after all he is a Deacon

Preaching lies

more to me then our whole congregation

Sinners have to pay to get into heaven

Guess mines is my virginity

Age 10 going on 11

I'm now like * the sacrificial wine

I've been past round

Who'd want to go to heaven anyways

If this is the price to pay



All I can remember is; Us surviving victim, get sour grapes


I'm floating out of myself

as I think of them



I can see all that's happening
until I crash into myself

Back to my torturous reality

I wait until he pulls out

just enough to bite down hard

with all my strength........



Sour grapes like sour hearts,

but

So unlike sour hearts...

You can still make wine outta

Sour grapes


Blood doesn't taste so sweet!

Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
Alters have ways of making me never forget!Sometimes they make me so mad!Who wishes remember this mess! best to forgive&mov;; on im 2OLD to mourn my childhood or lack there of!
  Dec 2015 Ayeshah
Nabs
By Nabs
Dear, My Past Self
I've always wanted to say a lot of things to you.
A lot of things that I would like you to change.
A lot of things I wished that you haven't done
(Like chanting hate to your self before you went to sleep).

But that is not the reason I am sending this letter.

We both know how the past cannot be changed, the same way we both know that girls will be girls and boys will be boys (which to say not at all, after all we are a firm believer that time travel and The Doctor exist).

I know that you are going through a lot of forked roads, right now.
Gnawing your lips and making it bleed, from worrying whether to choose right or left?
Afraid, not to take the wrong road but to take the road that you want, the third road that you've always thought off but haven't gathered enough courage to step to.
It's okay to be afraid of where will you get stranded in life. Being afraid doesn't make you weak.

But at the end we have to move forwards even if it will literally kills you to leave the breathtaking view behind.

At this point in your life, You will realize that the handful of people that you surround your self with are more of an aquantaince than friends. And you will lose some of the friends you have because of the directions you each choose to go. You will feel lonely and miserable.

A deceptive man called depression will lull you with the promise of kindred spirits and ask you to let him be your companion. You will accept this offer, not fully knowing the Concequences because Depression, in your neighborhood, is something that goes unacknowledged.

You will regret the decision of taking his hands
(He's a good friend of mine now, I know how to deal with his quirks and how to cope with him living in my home. He still ask me to join him in drowning, but I learned how to say no)

    There will also be a lot of people telling you that you are a freak. They will consider that being true to yourself is a sin and you will try to repent by torturing your self with soul leeching mask that will leave you identity in tattered remains (You will spent years trying to piece it back, taking new pieces and discarding old ones).

They will also paint names on your back, whispers lies and making a game on how much they can stab you in one day. (You always come home bleeding, but you covered it with 1000 watt smile and perfume to mask that fact that the wounds are rotting)

Do not try revenge, it will leave you with a guilt so heavy that the act it self would only taste like ashes and sour your heart. (I know how horrible that is, and I know you'll still do it because this letter isn't about changing the past)

Remember that you have an untapped core of titanium in your backbone.

I know you will spend some sleepless night thinking of ways to not wake up in the morning, how to keep dreaming, and letting the ghost take you away. I know how close you are to the temptation and how you almost bitten that forbidden fruit because you wonder if it taste like peace. I also know that you will deny yourself.

(Because that's the lesson that was taught to us since the beginning )

Society may tell you, to **** all the things that are different in you. The things that make you see a shade differently, the things that make your angle on the world askew, the thing that you were (and still is) proud of. You will ask why, and they will reply because you are not perfect.

Do not listen to them because a few months from now you'll learn that their reasons are poison and you had been fed spoiled milk all along.
(You'll get some stomach ache that will feel like butterfly wings, you will mistake it for infatuation. It's not. You'll learn that infatuations taste like sugar and the coffee that you'll grow to like)

At this point, You will also painstakingly build a shrine, made of ivory and desperation, for the one you mistaken as a saint (she's not but she's still one of the best things that happen to you). A shrine for a saint that you tried to be, a saint that was hailed from loneliness and envy.  

The shrine will be the invisible wall that you will simultaneously try to tear apart while build it everyday. You will always be the one who ask for forgiveness because you were a faithful believer who believe that you are a despicable sinner.

(You are as much as a sinner as she is a saint.)

The day that you look her in the eyes and burn the shrine, the wall will crumble and fall like the Berlin Wall. Both of you will become human ( Also you will find that she is easily bribed with pizza and you will find that you are different than her and that's ok).

You will also learn the taste of despair from the way the mother dove cannot understand that your screams are the way you say that you are breaking and you just want to quit breathing. Instead mother dove will translate it into screams of rebellion, and you were always the obedient daughter first, than you are a teenage girl.

(You will learn how to jab your scream into paper, and turn them into poems. You will truly make some bad ones at first. Don't worry I'll help you along the way)

One day, between where you are now and where I am now, the world will give you a present of awareness to the danger of smiling to strangers. You will cry in the hotel bathroom and try to scrub your skin until it bleeds, trying to feel clean but only managed to ***** the tub. The world and mother dove will tell you that its your fault and you were asking for it (You're not).

You will lose the ability to smile uncaringly.
(This is one of the things I wish we would have keep)

You will slowly watch the colors that you know fade from the world, leaving it a mottled grey. The same state that you are feeling now. You will paint lies and invent new colors to just make you believe that there is something worth living for. You will hate your self more and more for your new painting skills.

Don't hate your self, You are a survivor and you are still fighting (I know you wouldn't listen to this, that you would keep hating your self until you met some people who will be kind to you and help you hold up your forts from the monster inside your skin. Like I said this isn't that kind of letter).

I know that the day you smashed all your anger and hurt into the table that you sleep on, was the day where you first tried to draw red lines with sharp markers on yourself. It will be messy but you were addicted and soon all you can paint was release and the occasional victorian girl

(You will not draw boys because you despise the way that you cannot draw wide board shoulders, like the one you hate on your self but admire on your brothers because those shoulders look like they could carry the world unlike yours).

You will lock your emotions tight, and learn how to hide from the world (It wouldn't last long, you have the universe inside you that is screaming to be shared to people. You haven't learned how to say no yet, unlike me)

You will learn that you are also an idiot, that karma exist and it bites you in the *** as a payback for all those tyranny. You will laugh your self until you're sobbing and fallen asleep. The next day you will bring a book to educate yourself to your school.

You will be turned into a mess of paint, anger, bitterness, and dramatic flair. The only one that will be left without blemish will be the mask (not the face beneath). The woodcutters will saw your legs of from you, and you will be left without the means to stand on the ground

But you still will crawl your miserable 90 kilogram mass of body to the next crossroad, and the next, and the next, and the next, like the stubborn mule you (we) are.

And you will came out of the personal purgatory, that the world gave you, with a brand new legs, soul liberally littered with scars, and a tuft wings on your back (Albeit still very tiny. It's okay, It's still growing).

You will learn to walk again with your new legs, the one that isn't smooth like baby skin but full with callouses from all the road walking.

You will learn that being full of flaws is ok, that not being beautiful is fine.

You will also learn that you are allergic to cats (You will deny this fact when you find out until you almost passed out because you couldn't breathe. But we will still cuddle with them because cats are the best)

You will meet new people, wonderful new people. The ones that you care so very much and the one that cares for you back. The ones that's just wonky like you. (You will love this guy and girl that I am close with, they're very kind and sappy like you are)

You will get to fall in love, like in the romance manga that you secretly love, and you will broke your own heart (I wanted to say for you to savor it more, but like I said this isn't that kind of letter).

You will be ok with it, and you'll gain the skills of cutting people from your life

You will learn that the world isn't kind to your gender, and you'll ask for equality ( the same way you're asking for a new set of paint, which is to say with a lot of care and thinking). You will learn that the world will always be a ******* but there will always be change.

(The world needs its balance)
You will learn that patience isn't really your virtue. But you will learn to grit your teeth and wait.

You will learn to love your self. Even at some point the hate still managed to rear its ugly head. You will learn to be proud of your self and yet still be kind.

And you will continue to write your own story, you will make mistakes and learn from them, you will make unexpected plot twist and pull your favorite cliche. You will learn that not all people like your story and that it's okay.

That is so very okay.

This letter isn't about telling you to change yourself.

It's my way of saying thank you.

Because darling, ****** well done (pun intended)
                                    Love, Your Future Self

P.S :
(This isn't the end, how about we meet up for tea later?)
This is a long piece, cause I was writting this when I was feeling very stumped.
Hope ya'll like it.
  Dec 2015 Ayeshah
Lois
Uh Hi?

I love you. I'm sorry if it took so long for me to say it back because I was scared. I was so so terrified of the idea of being the one in love. I used to think that I was a romantic, and a hopeless one at that. I used to think about how I wanted that great kind of love, something that was for the books and for those cliche romantic comedy that I am somewhat addicted to. But now, actually experiencing it first-hand, I am so scared. I felt ashamed and clueless. It was weird. I didn't want to admit it to myself at first because actually loving someone scares me. I didn't have any clue on what to do. You seem to know more about love so I felt like the bad guy because you have always told me that you loved me and you showed me quite a few times too. But I still haven't proved anything because like I said, I didn't know what to do.

August 10, 2015.
That's when I knew that I was in for it. That I was down for whatever it is that we have. I wouldn't call it a commitment or an exclusive relationship but it was something. You became my favorite habit. A habit that I couldn't quit even when I try to(trust me there were countless of times). It sounds corny but it is true.
Countless of times I was hurt. There were days when I could literally feel my heart throb. I knew that there were girls that you have loved in the past and the idea of having to think that they were better with you and you were better at loving them than me really ***** the worst in me. You were also so honest with everything and there were nights when I want nothing but to cry. Just cry. To be honest there was a time when I felt like giving up, that was when I didn't know how to love bad parts of you but now I realize that I have to love them too even when it hurts, even when it feels like hell because I love you. I love the idea of being in love with you because with whatever reason I have, all I know is that I have to keep going because you are one of the few people who actually makes me feel sane. I used to be a mess believe me. I used to hate life. I used to cry a lot. I used to want to be somebody else and exist in another place. I was in a dark place. I'm really crying right now because I hate remembering how I used to feel. I was so filled with love but at the same time I was empty. So so empty. I knew that there was a God, that there someone who could help me, believe me I've always tried. I was good at hiding so no one knew except for one person. But when I met you, all of the things that I used to feel, I was beginning to forget about them. Really. I am beyond thankful because going back here in the Philippines it made me realize a lot of things about myself and about the world I live in. I was thankful for everything that has happened. I fell in love with Jesus Christ all over again and it was honestly the best feeling ever. You somewhat inspired me in so many but little ways. At first what pulled me closer to you was your confidence, the moment I met you, you sounded like the guy who knew what to do, who was different. I know how I'm complicated and how I keep a lot of things but sorry because that's all I'll ever be. I can't promise to change but I swear that I'll try because know, at my young age, I want to experience having to unbottle myself for a person that I genuinely love. I'm not just doing it for you, I'm doing it for myself.
TO BE CONTINUED NOT YET FINISHED
Ayeshah Dec 2015
I'm tired of hearing you talk

whining of what can't ever be

Boy please save it

I've heard it all before

Ya sound like a broken record

Repeating yourself over and over

Did you know everything is always "I"

Haven't ya heard there's no "I's" in TEAM

Complaining so much all the time of

What someone has done to "you" or didn't give to you

Did you know

You're always pointing your finger towards what another has done

Complaining how someone else was the one

it's just never because of you

Well blame me if you must

I really don't give a ****

I'm not going to change for you

or do the **** you think I ought to

Sadly you've assumed my life revolves round you

You talk of everything I've done

Like I held you hostage with a gun

As if I can make anyone do a **** thing

This is where we're so completely

different

Your claim of gaining a backbone

as if I've ever stopped you

My faults are my own

I have a daily reminders

So I surely don't need you constantly

making sure I know where I've went wrong

You want friendship  which isn't a problem but

don't make it seems as if I'm begging
for it
or
I'm the whole reason you left

You've planned on it way before the fight

Because I wasn't giving in to your demands

not allowing myself to suffer again

If it's part you and me

Why is it

My flaws are always talked of & pointed out

My deeds always mentioned & not forgiven

I wonder do you ever look to what you've done

You assume you've only hurt me

with your lies  & empty promises

Stole & took some of the best parts of me

Children are like eyes

Their the windows to our souls

So coldly where You
with an empty heart

You walked away
&
Left them in pain

And think things will be different

Forgive and forgotten huh

Well I'll tell you what

When I see a man

The one so long ago
who knew right from wrong
&
Cared enough to be better then this

Maybe I'll change my thinking

But until then You'll

Be just another guy

who fed me & the kids

A bunch of

LIES!

Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
I have too many ppl this can & is more likely directed to, it fits for so many even some woman in my past and some ppl in my present life, i watch listen and see whats what no more believing in anyone's words if their actions don't or fail to be dutiful/fruitful....

Ramblings of a bitterly insane  woman.....
Ayeshah Dec 2015
I don't like this feeling of falling in love
                                                I like it better when I'm in control
                When I have more of a choice
                                                It'***** me hard
                The knowledge which comes with falling
                                See I get so*
insecure
                                            Blame my last few relationships
                    I was let down put down & lied to
                                                   I was dumbfounded and stuck right there
                                             I allowed myself to be

                                     beaten abused misused and cheated on
                                         over & more over again
        I don't even know why it's called falling in
                                        when it seems more like getting stuck

                        Shocked out of reality
                                                               well that's the way it seems for me
                                                    I don't like this feeling of falling in love
        I like it more when we're in the 1st stages of friendship
                When we're both still a mystery
                                            When You don't know me
                                                    Seems those beginning stages are

less complicated
                                        *I like how it feels to wait
To anticipate our first kiss
                                                     or  our the very first hug
                                                I like it best when we date and everything's  
                                   up for grabs
                Nothing's really mentioned
nor are we even truly serious
                                                        T­hings just flow and we're not rushing to be

            hurt
                                       I like it when we act like children well more like teens
                                                    We talk constantly and there's no reasons to fight
                            No dictatorship
        No consequences for our actions
                        No one to ever answer to because there isn't any rules
                Well there are a few mainly
RESPECT & do to others
                                                      as You'd wish them to do to YOU
 *Beside this there too many rules
                                                    No real reasons to be jealous or worry about a things
                                    Come & go as we please
        You have your home & I have mines
                            No worrying over whose to do what

                                    See this is why
I don't like this feeling of falling in love
            (It Changes People)
            *Copyright ©
                                                    Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present  
All right reserved
I noticed long ago from life & past relationships etc, people get used to each other , we fail one another by forgetting to date each other and give to each other everything we have, not to gain anything beside maybe a smile a laugh or something positive like this, I know for me I continue to date whomever I'm with but seems they get bored things then become mundane and very mediocre then there is the cheating abuse and so many other problems, guess i know how to pick em huh lol Could very well be me too, but long story short its best never to forget we all are replaceable and we all must put in the work to keep the person we wish top have FOREVER! Deaths only thing that's for certain!
  Dec 2015 Ayeshah
Jonnelle Jackson
In the head of a beautiful eclectic creature,
Tainted thoughts and black spots,
Disconnected synapses and brain damage.

Honey dew on my fingertips,
Mystical shores of her mind,
Twisted vines with thornes and puddles of water sinking me into her wonders.

Eternal life,
Wandering eyes,
Excusing my hands because they just wanna touch,
They just wanna feel.
Living on the edge of her cliff waiting to jump into the warm liquid that is her.

Tasting like water in its purest form,
It's contagious,
She's contagious to me.
I'm sick but her poison is the only cure,
The only elixir that will make me feel sober when I'm lifted,
Touching the sky that's in her eyes,
Don't mind me I'm high.

White,
Green,
Pink,
Blue,
Smoke and music that's nothing new.
My addictive behavior has me enticed,
My sense are heightened,
I'm elated,
I'm faded,
Fading in and out of reality.

She,
Won't let me be but I can't leave her alone,
Her presence is my home.
That scent is refreshing,
Like freshly cut grass,
Beautiful as stained glass,
It's immaculate to me.

When I was introduced to her,
She changed who I am,
Took over my life,
She's my wife,
I put her first even when she's wrong and I'm right.

She takes my money and my time,
Ages better than wine.
Purity in its most innocent form,
Safety and comfort in her arms.
Now without further ado,
Let me introduce you to,
My everything,
My main thang,
Mary Jane.
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