No one ever told me one of the HARDEST parts of therapy and trauma therapy and finally working on you, is that you'd discover the things you've hated the most from others are in you. That all the trauma and abuse you've been through some of it has remained and morphed and became a part of you. That along the way you've also became the problem, that along the way of other abusing you you've become great at abusing yourself and others at times .. you have to actually face the fact you've become a disgusting version of yourself. And you also have to face that in the years since you've been broken since childhood you've also collected more broken exes broken relationships, broken friendships. You've hoarded your trauma's you've hoarded your brain you've hoarded your house you've hoarded your memories you've hoarded your friends. I've spent so many years masking and chameleoning to partners . Family . Friends . You name it I've molded I've adapt ... But then I've also lost myself so much and this therapy woah has brought up a lot and woah do I feel confused .... Man I've had moments of excitement and happiness and moments of total rage and loss and sadness... Therapy for trauma is hard. I've been in and out of hospitals and therapies and treatment since a teen and every time I legit did think I wanna change I did wanna die I did hate life and everyone in it I thought I was ready .. but I never really was . I never was ready to face the fact that I may have all these traumas and disconnects and issues that was caused by others but I've mutated it and am also the problem. And I'm working very hard at recorrecting my negative habits and behaviors I've developed along the way.

Healing brings such heart ache too why does no one talk about that too ... Once you finally start healing from your trauma's it's extremely painful and heart breaking. I feel like lately I've been mourning my child self and my teen self and my 20s self for all the hurt she went through ... I repressed and masked and people pleased so much back then that I forgot to feel . I forgot anger is okay and you can express it healthy . I forgot having a voice is okay I forgot having boundaries is okay I forgot I am a bad as ***** who can do whatever she wants and if the world doesn't like it they can go **** on my big ****** up toe nail!

I'm almost 32 and I've had a good I'd say 23 years of people trying to dim my light or tell me I'm to much or to emotional or to expressive and I've repressed myself so much it's to a point of rage and sorrow and hate and sadness. I'm so thankful for this therapy and opportunity to grow and reflect and even see myself in the light I hate, but hey there is only going up right ... If I hate myself for who I've become I can either continue living my life like I have all theses years or I can fix what I hate about myself in my head ... Since my head likes to lie to me so much all day and tell me how fat and horrible and pathetic and useless I am ... Let's go to the gym and work on that body you hate ... Lets keep going to trauma therapy and group therapy and really do the homework and work on yourself ... If you hate yourself ... Welp what do you hate Arielle ... Write that list and work on those things, talk about them on therapy. You can't get worse then you really are if you are this horrible person this pathetic person this useless person you say you are.. so if there is no getting worse then this. There can only be going up right ....

It's not at all perfect and I may sometimes come off online like I am happy or got my **** together or I'm getting my **** together .. NAH WHERE IS THE **** ARIELLE .. be honest ... It's been totally **** guys ... I'm doing the hard work and the therapy but I'm struggling and mourning and in bed a lot lately and this isn't like me . Sure a day in bed sleeping a lot after days of **** sleep . But lately this isn't like me especially with Jon here. But again that's okay I'm mourning my past trauma my past hurt my past repression of feelings . They say there is seven stages to grief.

Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings. ...
Pain and guilt. ...
Anger and bargaining. ...
Depression. ...
The upward turn. ...
Reconstruction and working through. ...
Acceptance and hope. ...

In trauma treatment right now I feel like there is also much going back and forth between all these stages.. and moments where I think I'm at the end but nope ... And I have to come to accept there is so much trauma and pain to grieve over that it's gonna take a while and makes total sense to go back and forth and all over the place ... Just because they say these are these stages I ain't a regular kinda girl so it's not gonna go the way it would for most and I need to accept that.

I have so many moments during this trauma treatment where I'm having flash backs or disassociating and then my mental state feels like I'm me at different kid stages or teen stages and my ability to cope that day or that moment is based on which Arielle is currently present .. 11 year old Ari 8 year old Ari 13 year old Ari 15 year old or 17 is who you'll usually get and I can't even imagine how frustrating that is lately for the people around me who just don't get it and see a 32 year old being immature or abusive or whatever .... Ptsd is a ****** mental illness. I'm working on fixing these issues of mine but I'm also learning sometimes it's not me the problem anymore and I can step away from situations even if it's not my norm ... Man re raising myself is fucken hard as **** ... Can I return this child ... I don't like her hahaha (clearly using humor to deflect my **** feeling right now, if you've even gotten this far in reading my post I'm sorry for the diarrhea of a post. I've got a lot of self haltered and grief I'm dealing with.

Man healing brings such confusion and pain ... Along with the good stuff to. I guess you really can't have the good without the bad huh

Open your eyes and look around you
What do you see?
I see a broken world full of broken people
A snow globe where the snow is red
Stained with blood of the innocent
and the phlegm of the rich and powerful.
What I wanna know is who said that
money = power and power = evil and evil = money
where did this circle come from
If you open your eyes you won't see what i see
because what I see is hidden
and you have to look out
The money power evil people don't want to see it
they hide it but it is there
I invite you to open your eyes and look
But once you do, you can never go back.

i guess it's laughter,
you know that's dumb,
but when something bugs me
i joke
i laugh
i smile
i don't know what else to do?
if i'm angry enough
i'll scream
i'll cry
i'll tell you i hate you
and sigh
but that's so tiring
so i smile
i laugh
i joke
and the anger builds up,
and continues
until one day
close or far from now
i'll snap.

Relieve••My fears, my sadness, my broken soul
Regret••Trusting you, not trusting me
Reject••Your judgements, your decisions, your plans
Reset••The future, make it bright, make me strong
Reprieve••For me, reprieve for her

I cannot breathe

This house has become my prison

And I am the only inmate in it

Worst of all is there's a door

A door to my freedom

Freedom I cannot seem to reach

Where I cannot seem to leave

But outside is more scary than inside

Even though I am in encapsulated where
it took place

The thought of being out there feels like the worse place

So what do you do when you're a prisoner who want's to escape?

But escaping out there is more scary than staying in here?


           F                              P
             R                         R
               E                     I
             E                         S
          D                              O
             O                        N
                M

I hate that I have this fear inside
Even though I try to hide
This fear will never leave my side
No matter how many times I've tried
I can't seem to shake it from my mind
You're like the ghost that is always near
That is constantly reminding me why I fear

The mind is a magician
it's tricky and it's quick
thoughts it slips in
out of order , not based on facts
feelings follow - large and controlling
rationale flees or hides

The person I am
shadowed in the reactions and actions taken
orchestrated and directed
by the master puppeteer - this magician

inner duality
illusions of autonomy versus reality
to cut the strings, rebel!
adhere to this
To The Plan

1• Question critically
2 • Do not react
feelings based on false perceptions (to be weeded) not an easy task, nor meant to be
inner and outer discipline to be applied
3 • Create pauses, and reflect
4 • Strengthen self LOVE
5 • Forgive - Fall - Do not judge - Do not stall - Practice - Practice - Practice
6 • Never stop learning, striving, keep growing.

Follow the plan
To be freed
To be led by .....
The true me (you)