Sci-Fi loving
Movie watching
Poetry writing
Education pursuing
Socially reticent
Pain filled
Overthinking
Romantacized
Gym rat

Childlike imagining
Visions of cotton candy
Looking to the clouds
No wrong just right
Nose wide open fill with sweet smells
Her hair her smile
Day dreams and romance
The two of you together
Unsevered
Connected forever

As I watch my sister and brother in law unite in holy matrimony
I clap and smile through their ceremony with feelings so phony I can't believe I agree to attend  
In this gorgeous dress and these high heels going through the motions i can honestly say I'm even not here
As my sister walks down the aisle I clutch this bouquet of real flowers with a fake smile praying for my pain to sway
While everyone is danicing I'm praying for the wrench in my stomach to go away...

Last week you died and the realization that for seven days I still have yet to accept the truth is daunting
The ghost of what if I woulnt have let you drive haunts me
My eyes watering to the tears are heavy and my heart wrenches when I think about an unfortunate unintended incident that took the life of my best friend
I want to know why your life ended
But as time passes and I begin to process its gravity
I gravitate to what awaits a fate of healing begins
I know I need time for my heart mend
to allow me to forgive
I can't even recall my last thought before all the fog let  in...

Sweetheart what you gave me
You and your brother you saved me
And now that you're gone a part of me died too
And it's only thinking that youd want me to to on
Is how Air see my way through

I died last night heaven existed in a world that treasures the upside down
Axiom, I am living outside of my body experiencing living for the first time
Wrapped in a love that hypnotized my mind I'm flying paralyzed when I'm inside
of you
The depth of life become depthless
Drowning deep in your abyss overflows my cup
We sup drinking from the fountain of youth
Revitalized, tasting and touching you
Wanting nothing more than to build on an affirmation with you
The road won't always be smooth
But I promise you
Through tumultuous times I will brave turbulence alongside you
As I will in valleys wide
a sublime future indeed we will surely reside
by and by trouble won't last
It too shall pass
And just as I will write finding wrongs to right  
I promise you everything will be alright

I am precious
Beauty flows out of me like water
Your idea of who I am is beyond useless
I belong to my Father
And he thinks I am wonderful
He tells everyday
His word anchors my confidence
I'm beautiful because he says I am
I don't care what you think of me
Your opinion matters not
You try to convince me its cold outside when it’s not
I’ve got my whole life ahead of me
My future is so bright
Negativity is the dimmer of dreams and Love lights my path
I will never let you steal my self-esteem

We're connected
Infected
Like the walking dead
Helplessly drawn by each other’s scent
Memories unlike of what life was like before the time we spent
Close yet so far apart
Its evident cupid ****** us
The moment he hit us with that poisonous dart

I cherished you so much I married you
Every day I wake up next to you I reaffirm my commitment to you
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Five years later I still do

I'd give up everything
For a chance to worship the King
In the spirit of Ghandi and Martin Luther King
I beckon my soul say let freedom ring
From the top of my head to every inch of my being

Thoughts provoke verbal aesthetics to self-proclaimed victims of the poetic
Taking meaning out of past moments
Learning from circumstances past the point in which they last occurred
Just because I write the words doesn't mean I live everything I scribe on the page
I have the gift to 'feel' so everything I write is the extent of my artistic range
I consider myself a painter for today's age
An oracle of sorts, a seer, a sage
I birth pictures that encompass everything you can think of from romance to pain
One glimpse into the expanse of my mind
Is like seeing the world from the sky
I'm a thinker
And as a believer
I write these scripts to help me see through God's eyes

I keep you as a friend yet we’ve broken up
I get all choked up with every new post of
You and your fiancé in my news feed
My feelings are chicken feed and it’s all my fault
I know I have to stop
But I can’t bring myself to let go of this insatiable need to still need you
I feel if I let go I'll lose you
And all the memories of me and you
Despite how we ended
When I think about us I’m a lush
Because what we had was special
But...
While I sit reminiscing on what used to be
You’re busy moving forward with your life
Focusing on your new wife and being happy

Creating, distancing myself from my own mind
Climbing stairs with no care of time
Completely submerged in the sublime
Flying above the veracity of war noire
No agenda
No ceiling or floor
Stop us not from exceeding expectations
Set by my own creation
No concept of death
I feel alive
Except when my hands tied
And not allowed to create

© Antywnn L. Jones 2016

Self infliction locked behind the doors of self-oppression
We trick ourselves into believing we cant leave our upbringings
We dream but we're too afraid to chase

Today all the eligible promotees find out if they get promoted
I've been working for this company for over 17 years and YES I feel like I'm owed
Those that got promoted got to hear from the CEO while the rest of us got a canned speech from the CEO's flunky:

He said: I’m sorry you didn’t make it...you’ll get’em next year”
I thought: "Whatever it's the same old routine year after year"
He said: "You’re all great workers, but for now we need you right here"

To this company I've given so much back
This time every year I can't sleep
I get anxiety attacks thinking about being left back...again
And it hurts
I sacrifice everything for my work
When I look back I think its been a nice run
But after all these years of not reaching the next rung
I’m beginning to think that perhaps my time in this job is done

Father forgive me
I have not followed in your ways
I’m steeped in unrighteousness
Now I plead for your loving kindness

An array of jumpers and head fakes
Lay ups underhand and overhand
PRIDE in both offense and defense
Competition against the very best
No rest up early in the morning
Knowing there’s someone somewhere getting better trying to be the best
Practice and more practice until the maniacal prep in blood and sweat
Turns into magical steps toward rare air
Attention to detail I won’t fail
The standard for myself is measured by hard work and winning
My dedication to this thing?
I'd play for no money no fame
This is my passion and for it I give everything
To be a champion I'm willing to sacrifice
That's how much I love this game

Impatient,
                 *annoyed,
                                 void of anything alive
Innocence enticed
Shrouded by decadence
Indifferent to different types of experiences
I've seen it with my own eyes
I’ve witnessed it
A new way of perceiving
As a child I was used to people leaving
So much when a person told me they cared
I cared less
Because inside I thought they were leaving me
Love is foreign to me
To be honest right now I don't see how
I can bring myself to orbit around someone else's adornment of me
Not until I gain control of myself and form my own identity
And get a grip on my demons and my million and one insecurities

Lovely…lovely…lady
You are the answer to my lonely
Heart--Come fill this hole in my soul
I long only for your sweet company                                        
Turn down the volume on your parade
Follow me along this serenade to soothe the aches of life’s humdrum
Come to the edge of the shore and swim with me to a place where the pain is no more
In this world of Euphoria
We'll drift into each other eyes
And dance to sounds of NO work and ALL play
The days will be filled with nothing but beautiful backdrops of white clouds and blues skies
And I'll stand and watch the sun reflect off the cornea of your beautiful brown eyes

The Rembrandt of my dreams come to life
It should feel wrong that this moment feels so right
....But I could stay awake...in this sweet surrender (in my best Steven Tyler voice)

Whether in mind or reality  
Wherever I can have you
I’d rather for better than for worse
But if by worse means is the only way I can have you
Then my direction is resolute
My course separate from you constitutes being back at one
Lonely, yearning for my lovely
Imagine a heart without blood
Air without lungs
Me without you
That’s life without love
And who wants to live in a world like that
Unattached from behind a wall
Life without love isn’t life
It’s a non existence without consequence
No, that’s not life at all

I know my heart has lied before
But now it speaks truth
Ways of life brought forth by changes made to heal the places I’ve been hurt the most
In essence my very being was being tested
By the sweetest effervescent
Intertwining my soul with a spirit not of my own
Feelings of pleasure my heart has never known
Endless emotions with my minds thoughts driven like waves in the ocean
But I ignored them

All my life I've dreamed of meeting a love designed with no lies
No deceptions
A love made alive
Made just for me
Once I found this charity I'd cherish for all of eternity
But life didn't seem to dream the same manner as me
Then just as I gave up looking for love
A greater love found me
Caught off guard it touched my heart
It softened something that once was hardened
My eyes became blurry
My arms wouldn't move
I couldn't fathom the words that came from my lips
It felt as though an angel came from heaven and gave my soul a kiss

I didn't know love was made to feel like this
If this is what God intended for love then I raise my hands and rejoice in pure bliss
Surely He knew my heart when he granted me this one wish
To love and be loved unconditionally
To experience a love with the Holy Spirit and yet remain me

Hands raised or placed in pockets
Is the black skin or the media chagrin
That makes a black men thugs and threatens societal authoritiarians

Sometimes you can get so high on possibility
That reality becomes imaginary
Plans predicated on what could be
Are as superficial as dreams when we sleep
You’ve heard the saying
Don’t count your eggs before they've grown
If you don't then you'll watch as the repo man arrives
And detaches all your belongings from your home

Morning Darling
I see you sleeping so calm
Your mane a flowing balm
Do I dare I disrupt your rest
The slight twinge of your hands cupped under your temple the covers pulled to your neck
As much as I want to whisper in your ear good morning
You deserve to dream
You deserve this time away from the noise and the stress
Accept this forehead kiss
A subtle reminder that back in the world your spirit is truly missed

A rose blooms with no provocation
The morning rises not out of obligation
And like the rose and the morning with no hesitation
I want to express my appreciation, for you being in my life

When I was young TV was my way away
Raised in a ****** environment
It provided me with viable escapes
Vacay
It put me in a much needed headspace where I could anything
It showed me
That I didn't have to be what I saw everyday

Planted in my own space
No time stamp  
Exiting pretending
Eliminating ribbing and quick witting
Sitting waiting no more
To banter back and forth
Alone you're just you
No guilt in liking you
Or the things you like
You can embrace
Self-acceptance
The tiny bit of innocence you still hold
Scoop, bottle, and carry it
Your opinion is valid your thoughts aligned
When I'm by myself I close my ears and open my mind
And choose to listen to my me and never adhere to the voices outside

If I could sing u a song
I would sing you my soul
Of all the women
In all the houses
There is no doubt that this is my home
This is where I want to be
And this is where I belong
She can spend all day
And offer all she likes
But if she aint you
Then she aint my type
You see
I like strong women like
Phenomenal women like
Black women like you
While there exists this cynicism among sistas
That all the good black men are taken
It’s just untrue
Because I’m standing right here
And I’ve been waiting on you
You don’t know it yet but you've been waiting on me
That thing that you wrote in your diary God let me see
So while I may seem unfamiliar when you look at me
The only thing I see when I look at you is destiny

The possibilities of logic and hope
***** by liars and theives
Nature's reproach
The likelihood of making it to that house on a hill
Is unlikely when reality gives no real options
It demands you sacrifice everything you got just to survive
Potential unfulfilled an existence contrived
Life is the most engineered of games
An array of chess moves with the same conclusions
Babies having babies believing they can be good mothers
Prisonors phoning home in hopes of reaching their kids from behind that glass
Disillusions won't allow them to see the forest past the trees
And with instability neither with their seeds
Pictures are worth a thousand words
But if genocide is all these babies see
What else do you think they gon' grow up to be

Linked arm in arm like a knot
Whether we were play fighting
Or kicking at the spot
Playing ball getting girls or getting stopped by the cops
There was never a doubt about who had my back

Time to burn my black book
Time to miss my old flames
I've fell in love with the woman
That I'm giving my last name

Surprise
There's no such thing as a free ride
Network Marketing is a desperate attempt to convince you that rolling the dice is the best direction for you and your family
They offer you debt disguised as shiny toys and prosperity
When really they're selling you wolf tickets and crooked investments so they can rob you legally
They'll rob you blind and have you ready to blow your brains out from the depth of disparity
Their only interest is taking your money by any means necessary
They're master manipulaters
Hoping to take everything you own
Everything they say is a loada' of crap
Give no time listening to their speeches
They're just well dressed bums begging for change
They'll tell you
The only way to get ahead of the game is to reach in your pockets and pay for knowledge only they know about
Look at my whip they say, look at what I'm dressed in, look at me
You too can be a millionaire for free
Free as in...if you want the new car and clothes
Its going to cost you a small fee

Its unbelievable
That a human being could be so evil
As is the ideal
Of advocating for no ramifications zero consequences
Absolutely no justice for the victim
Remains legal

Public speaking no thank you I'll pass
The thought of being an orator makes me laugh...hysterically
Undoubtedly
Even if I wanted to speak publicly
My body wouldn't allow me
I think my voice would disappear and my tongue would atrophy

In a socioeconomically stricken place like North Omaha
Where all we saw were dead end jobs and dead beat dads
It didn't become clear until I got older that despite all the noise and distractions
God had a plan
In the ghetto
There are so many unnatural things kids aren't supposed to see
But you and PT saw a need
Your effort of good deeds
Sowing seeds in the cement
Growing and developing young roses out of concrete
Through all these years it is and I am evident that the harvest you reaped was bountiful
What you were giving up or what you turned down to be with us I can't imagine
But what you did for us was beautiful
Joy freely given to poor black and white children alike
Neglected kids
I can tell you in all honestly there were times in our lives that no one offered more hope than the you of two did
You cared for us
Kept us
Sacrificed of yourself to set us up
You both put us on a positive productive path
All because you allowed yourselves to listen to and follow Gods plan
Because of that experience I understand the impact on one life I can have
No matter where we all are
You saved our lives
You well and faithfully gave us a chance at life
I stand now with your fully grown kids and say to the two of you
We honor you
And without our time with you way back when
There would be no way for us now
There would be no way for us to win

we.love.you.

I sit here a dying flame
Bored out of my mind
Wondering how I a guy who just won employee of the year
Is sitting here with a title but no real role
Just 2 months ago I was on fire
But ever since I moved to this sink hole
I just sit my cubicle with nowhere to go

I used to love you more than I imagined a broken man could love anyone
For a moment in my existence an armistice existed between my soul and palatable anger at the world
Self loathing that I became accustomed to living with for the first time
I wasn't abiding in a space where I was conquered by loneliness and millions of anxieties racing across my mind
In this uncharted territory I was frozen in time
intertwined with who I thought would be the love of my life
For the rest of my life
Surety filled me
We were beings
Two star crossed lovers intersecting perfectly
In that life
In that time
You couldn't tell me
I knew exactly how my future would turn out to be
So much so without knowing you fully
I jumped head first
20,000 leagues into a sea where longing to love and be loved by the one who I thought God made for me was finally within reach
The more that I locked in on the beauty of what was happening
I could feel myself absorbing you in
Obsessing abnormally desiring only to breathe you in was my life's mission
I could feel my insides churning turning my rationale inside out
But after all this time it hurts but feels right how things would ultimately turn out...

If you listen closely
You can read my mind
All it takes is effort
All it takes is time

I open my eyes to the sun
Awake
Full of rest I feel life pulsating through my veins
On this morning I feel exuberance in my hands
I feel powerful
Love in my mind I feel peace
A greater purpose for my life
I have found it
Again I say to you all
I have found peace

Do you know it
Have you seen it
Can you touch it
What does it feel like
Is it black?
Is it white?
Does it know what we all look like
Since none of us are perfect
What makes you think you're always right

What we see with our eyes at times
Is a manifestation
Of what's going on our in own minds

Consciousness rising
The world on fire
War and revolt
Religion v idealism  
The mind can't sleep
REM is neither dream or reality
We exist in pretense and superficiality
Inhibition tradition is on the flipside of society
The itch for morality exacerbates desperation
Capitulation settles in the air
Living in todays era there's no such thing as fair

A moratorium should be placed on the atypical consortium who are able to profit due to the likes of those who hold no punches, take other peoples lunches, all to destroy anyone who stands in their way, leaving bodies in the wake of their so called determination, slavers who vote no reparation leaving everyone else on life support with no respiration

Seeds of doubt purposed
Planted in the mind of your seed
Born or unborn escapes cease
Poison seeps in their veins
An heir should reside in blessing
Deprecation forces second guessing
Inwardly seethes, breaks open, and bleeds
From the inside negativity breeds
Negating, damaging, sabotaging
Robbing themselves of things that could bring them wealth
Living water for their well being
But blinded they can't see watering they keep
Believing in, continuing to grow
That tiny seed of doubt they were introduced too so long ago

Control is an ism
A psychological mechanism
That binds you to whatever it wants you to do
As long as you lack the inability
To see responsibility
As anything other than someone else telling you what to do
You lose
Trying to prove you're in control is a losing game
Because the only thing you truly control
Is the fact that you refuse to change

My goal is to be the best version of myself that I can be
By exposing myself to people from varied walks of life
I'm provided with a greater vantage point to see
It’s humbling when I look in the mirror because I have to admit I’m not where I want to be
But if I recognize my own faults exposing the lie
I can challenge my own paradigm and make alive
Possibility
I thank God for giving me a greater sense of personal accountability
And the desire to no matter what
Always take care of my responsibilities