I can smell
the soft floral remanence
of blue hyacinths in bloom.
The smell lingers everywhere.
It reminds me of you.
How you always smelled
so sweet,
like you'd just had a bath
with fresh lavender,
and rose petals swimming
all around you,
gathering at your feet.
I miss that smell,
almost as much as I miss you.
It's been a long time
since I've thought about you.
I've pushed you from my mind,
from my scarred up heart.
It's better that way,
keeping those memories
locked up inside me.
It took a long time
to stitch together
the pieces,
after you so carelessly
ripped my heart apart.
I'll always resent you for that.
I'll always love you for it too,
and whenever those hyacinths
are in full bloom
outside my window
I'll think of you,
of how much I loved you,
and for just a moment
I'll feel a touch
of the hyacinth blues.

if only my unreciprocated love
would cause me to throw up flowers,
you'd wake up to a garden and
see the beauty of the pain you've caused.

Beware of leaders
Who promise it all, for you
Will end up with *none

Making your own choice
With something you're scared to do
Is learning to fly

Looking over a ledge
You're nervous, then you're scared once
You start to fall down

Then once you take off
Your breath catches, and you start
To soar in your mind

And for all your fear
Knowing that you've made your choice
Flies over anxiety

For the longest time I thought that what we had was love
but it wasn't

Because I'm not supposed to feel scared and anxious when I miss a text or call
because I'm afraid that you'll lash out on me

It's not supposed to make me feel scared as if I have to tip toe around egg shells to make sure that I stay on your good mood

My friends aren't supposed to lose count on how many times I cried over you and yet they could count the times I was happy in one hand

And I was desperate to believe that you were the real you when you're happy
and that whenever you're mad it's actually my fault
because you say it is

When you say sorry I would always hang on to it like a man in the desert desperate for water,
because you always say that you didn't mean to (and because it was simply my fault)

Your anger started to become my punishments,
it became a way for me to burry myself with guilt and constantly blaming myself that I should've learned by now to know what you want
because ultimately it's my fault

The word "no" disappeared from my vocabulary because guilt and fear has eaten it away  

You used to ask me why I never get angry,
but being angry at you will just amplify your anger towards me

But it's been years now,
and I finally got my voice back,
It took me time to repair what was broken,
and get the missing pieces back together


It's been years now,
but I still get anxious when my phone rings

i am in constant fear of forgetting.
forgetting how i feel,
what i'm thinking,
the directions to your house,
the quadratic formula,
all of it


so i leave myself notes along my way.
inked on my skin,
attached to sticky notes,
sticky-tacked on my wall,
in the paper's margin,
everywhere


but with you,
you're convenient.
tap two buttons at the same time
and our words are embalmed for another day.
just as easy as that.


every once in awhile
i like to refresh myself
by scrolling past each screenshot of us
i began to notice a pattern,
somewhere outside the messaging format


between each picture
were tons more, unrelated.
between us, whatever we are
life has moved on
we've been caught in our little world
while the rest has moved around us
but we have too


i know now
that no matter what happens
i will be okay
because time will move on
and i'll keep taking pictures
of things that aren't us
just like i have been
from the start

Memories once wrapped in silk
are now collecting
on the windowsill.
And I've traced outlines in the dust,
placing heavy exhales where
words were meant to be.

And I look at her,
and she is so trusting
of love, and I'm trying
to find beauty in these endings.

-k.p//silk laced memories