I wasn’t done grieving. I was tired of going through

All the BS. I ran away from my city, from

Back-to-back traumatizing real life ish.

And here you come,

At full speed.

In disguise, ready to lie, starting fights, I was your punching bag. Forgot who I

was, forgot what love is, forgot about bliss. You never missed,

And I kept going back to it. I was such an idiot.

I understood it, you hate me. I was  

Okay with it...

Because when no one answered my call, you did. Because when

I felt alone, you were there. Because when I felt low,

You picked me up. Because when I wanted

Someone to talk to, you heard.

You are my curse.

I really did love you, and at times I miss you!

They say not to hold on to the good  

Memories, it’s dangerous.

Believe it!

We are the perfect match but for all the wrong reasons.

We shared the same interests or maybe we

Mirrored each other too well.

I thought I had to put up

With it forever.

I haven't yet escaped you. Figuratively speaking, feels like you

Can't let go of me either. We both have our reasons.

Your maliciously thinking, I'm still  

Reminiscing the times

You made me

Feel special.

I think optimistically, your finding ways

To appear back, potentially.

I used to feed your  

Ego daily.

My life has been great. I love myself and deserve to be happy!

I’m excited finally, the plans I have for my future.

I’n set! I wish you nothing but the best.

I hope you overcome whatever is  

Holding you back.

I still want you to succeed, that’s just who I am.

Others might say I'm excusing your

Bad actions. Genuinely mean it,

Helps with this thing

Called healing.

It was nice meeting you Syco, bittersweet moment. Our novel ends here.

Goodbye and I hope to never see you again. Find your peace love.

With much love,

XO

Summer nights, I hate
Survivor, new beginnings
Summer nights, I love

the pain that I feel
my name is what u smear
u hate yourself but blame it on me
I was wounded when I met u
wouldn’t think we’d still be together
I’m bounded by trauma
playing, don’t step on lava
too late now, I just ponder.
if I ever see you again,
ima act like Stevie Wonder.

Ten years, it has been ten years. All put together into fifteen poems. A summary, this is the life I live. There’s no such thing as a perfect human being. I owe it to myself, for never giving in to the mean voices in my head. Including those who walk side by side with me. I know from right and wrong, at times the wrong feels right. I go looking for trouble I have damaging habits to kick off. My actions aren’t helpful. It's a paradox, my biggest flaw. Change feels uncomfortable and I’m in constant sorrow.  

I don't mean to lie,  

I don't mean to manipulate,  

I don’t mean to refuse help,  

I'm empty inside,  

I hate to be alone,  

I space out n daydream because the real-world *****.  

I don’t mean to physically hurt myself at the slightest inconvenience.  

Self-sabotaging is my greatest enemy.  

Living in the abyss of misery.  

I still think everyone hates me.  

I haven't figured out who I am just yet.  

From the top of my head these are the basics. I love to write, draw, and read. I listen to music because it brings me peace. My favorite color is yellow my lucky number is three. I'm ambitious, I chase my dreams. My mind is different, I consider it creative. I am sweet and kindhearted. I’m hilarious, I like to brighten people's days. I’m not a demon. Underneath all these wounds and the mask I wear, I’m just like you.

My mind is overwhelmed

It has been hard to get into bed.

Sometimes I wish I could turn off my head

But it just doesn't stop, its overflowing  

It's like a river, come and sit by the riverbed.

Let me tell you about the knots, the ones in the back of my neck.

It's stressful, I am so over it.

I want to avoid it, like it’s the plague.

Last year’s summer    

I moved to South Central    

I don’t miss the heat strokes, but it did take a turn    

I ended up losing my mental    

Driving down LA    

It’s a sight to see, all day    

They don’t talk about Skid Row    

Now I see why so many lost hope    

Junkies, they were once someone's loved one    

You see them using dope    

Just to cope, they’re lost souls    

It’s easier to live on the streets    

The people out in LA don’t want to see you succeed    

Living in my car, bouncing around sober livings    

I am surprised I didn’t end up permanently on the streets    

In a tent, sitting next to someone’s auntie    

I'm grateful for the experience just lost my mind, not completely    

South Central, Los Angeles    

Land of the not so righteousness

It has been four years and three months since you have passed. My life hasn’t been the same without you, but I did carry out a lot. It has been a whirlwind without your guide. I will always cherish the time we had. I am grateful for crossing paths, you set the bar high for what I deserve to have. Thank you for being there on my journey of mental healing, you knew exactly what I needed. You were able to handle all my feelings. Things happen for a reason. I was there to give you the experience of what love is and in exchange you taught me how to manage myself. I was mad and upset that you left. I'm not trying to be selfish or mean it's something I always held in and in a way couldn’t help me heal. I just couldn’t believe that I had you here one moment then you disappeared. Once upon a time, my prince charming left my dreams. I daydream of all the times we stayed up telling each other stories about our past. We both have a funny bone in us, I enjoyed going to all your comedy shows. Listening to you tell jokes that featured me. I even helped you create some of your skits. I wish I had more time with you, hate that you had to leave so soon. I try not to live with the guilt, but I regret not helping you. This is why I keep living my life, you gave me motivation, you believed in me you wouldn’t think twice. A milestone you helped me achieve was starting a small business selling chocolate covered strawberries. That’s when I knew I had potential to be anything, couldn’t have done it with you that's what I call a team. You gave me reassurance when your phone broke you put the effort to email me. Thank you so much for loving me and treating me like a queen. I love you, Kenny!

Forever Yours,

Ba <3

I'm not done, I'm not finished.

There’s three parts within these three sections.

I like odd numbers; my favorite is three.

I’m only half evil; I try to be nice.

Occasionally.

I don’t get even, I get mad. I also live with shame and guilt.

It’s rooted deep inside.

The technique to this is to be immortal,

I flow, I row, someday I’ll grow.

It came in different forms; it ate away at my soul.

I cried, never laughed, I lost hope, I couldn’t sleep.

Crystal wouldn’t leave me alone, I hated her. She also scared me.  

I chose her and that made me weak. I wished at some point to get into heaven. 11:11 make a wish, I wished I hadn’t met her. I stayed with her; I did things like... I’m no criminal!

I just gambled with my life, you dared me, I abide. Those sleepless nights. Didn’t think twice.

I hated my mind. Crazy to know after I got caught, no one questioned, no one thought, they forgot.

**** it.

They say be careful, it might last you forever.

That’s not what I cared about, I cared about my two-steps, my moves.

I cared to not make myself look like a fool. I heard he’s handsome. Heard he’s a mood.

He didn’t care about me, but he had me weak at my knees. I extended my hand,

They will all say...

Twenty-one was the age I put everything at rest. It felt like a mess. I finally realized it was time I chose success. I went cold turkey. It was hard, it’s not something I suggest. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. When I got the chance to catch some z’s, the nightmares I would see. I would wake up from my own scream. Cold sweats down to my feet. I couldn’t believe how much I had lost; it was as though I had left my soul in the streets. It never helped me just made me 10 times crazy. Before I even picked up this evil thing, another symptom that comes with BPD is paranoia. I have this thing that I always thought about. The people out in the world are here to wish for my downfall. Ever since I was a kid, I always had to prove some. It felt like I was never enough, it was always I was doing too much. Twenty-one and I couldn’t enjoy the very first bar hop. I was fifteen yrs. old with a fake ID card. It was nothing new, but something I never got tired of. I know no one will ever understand why I act so impulsively, why am I always compulsive. I was glad I was able to see the way that I acted and the way people perceived me. It’s nothing normal but what is normal? All I wanted was a healthy mind and body. I asked myself please forgive me, I was left alone, no one could hear me. Excuse my language but it’s ****** up the way we raise these children. We become ****** up adults with ****** up mind sets. That our parents gave us. With no good role models to guide me I landed myself in an asylum. Stuck in an ongoing cycle, it was vicious. And that’s how I knew I have the power of resilience. To have a BPD mind it’s confusing I don’t even understand myself I know I can be obnoxious, if I don’t get my way, I throw tantrums I’m **** near 30 acting like I need a change of diapers. The anger that I display at very inappropriate times. One of the best years I loved is twenty-one; I officially started my journey of recovery and mental healing.

Never been so deranged
Remember how you came
Not first place
Who says
I chase
I rather do well
Watch how far I go
Go ahead
Go kiss and tell
I be up in your mind though
On the highest pedestal
I know I be tripping
Stay daydreaming
Life be hella fun
hehe haha
Ran outta funds
This ones for my friends and foes
If you wanna holla at me
You gotta keep up
Got so many **** phones
Might **** around
Leave you on dial tone
I am not sorry
I'm ******* insane
Come ****** and fed
Finna vent
**** that
Mood switch
******* pay me
Leave me alone
Don't wanna be lonely
I don't know it makes sense to me
Get rich and cry trying

Life is so weird, one day you have it all  

The next day you are walking down a jail hall.  

You stop talking to a person for months,  

Suddenly now you have an incoming call.  

You say goodbye,  

The way life is working, could that be a lie?  

You feel uncertain  

All the emotions just come bursting.  

What's greater than life?  

I suppose I just got to try.  

If I keep myself closed in, will it be the same,  

The same as when is say it, I don't hold it in.  

But I talk too much, honestly  

I don’t talk enough.  

Life is weird,  

Like me, and I cheer.  

Hoping for my mind to just be clear.

Where to begin? These emotions drive me insane! To the point I want to stand in front of a train!

I know sounds crazy, right?

They say I’m dramatic; why are you crying? Because my shoes looked ugly, you’ll

Never get it mom!

Girl relax, you look like you are about to pop an eye vessel. I was mad that my baby sister grabbed my colored pencils.

When I would be happy (my favorite mood that would come once in a blue moon)

My heart would race, the best adrenaline.  

I hated this one mood, even the mood would irritate me!

Like, ugh, get away from me. Don’t even look at me.

I remember when I was ten, I was so irritated I threw them the Christmas tree.

I was always fighting, fighting over the littlest things,

But to me it felt like my world was ending.

I am a big crybaby, everyone thought it was so funny...

Theres a picture of me; we were at a party, face red, mouth wide open,

I was hollering, tears running down my face holding a yellow balloon. To this day I wonder why I was so upset; who took the picture? It looked like I really needed you!
Stop crying!

It’s not a big deal!

You’re being dramatic!

You’re too much!

Riding bikes, playing tag, and chasing the ice cream truck down the street. It feels like a dream. I always think of the what if’s, I always daydream of another reality. A broken family, I was assigned to them, intentionally. My mother, I love her dearly. My Father, I admire him, his work mainly. They created me. They named me Ashley. So why did they hate me? Was it purposely? No, I cannot blame them, it was inevitable. My mother came with a package to her wedding. HER SON! I had not met her son for about nine years, I regret getting on that plane. I gotta keep reminding myself it is a “****** if I do, ****** if I don’t.” situation. I shouted “PLEASE!” I screamed “STOP!” and I always wondered why me? I was nine years old; he was nineteen. I do not shed tears anymore, but I did develop a borderline personality. I was nine years old; I should not have to be wondering. But I wondered why everyone abandoned me. I wondered why my innocence was taken away; very abruptly, so suddenly. He is family; that is disgusting, but he said he loved me. Yes, no one believed me. My mother’s package came with instructions; instructions that were not legibly, but who am I to speak on that? A nine-year-old, who rode bikes, loved playing tag, and chased ice cream trucks down the street; a nine-year-old who then developed a borderline personality.

Learning each day to be patient  

It's easier said than done, I hate it.  

I forgive myself a lot every time I slip  

“I'll be okay” is what I tell myself when I start to trip.  

I have walked through darker days,  

But lately I started using an umbrella,  

Life has been raining down on my parade.  

I don’t fear losing, I fear success,  

With my type of patience, I can’t explain the amount of stress  

I have bottled up in my chest!

I was always a chunky little girl. After the incident at nine years old. I hit puberty, way too soon. That little girl started having curves. The kids at school called me “fat girl.” I hated going clothes shopping. I could already hear my mom say, Ashley, really you sized up again. Stop eating too much, you want to look like those big ladies! She was talking about a show she saw on TV. I wasn’t lucky enough to look like my mom or at least her side of the family. She’s 4’11" and weighs about 109. I was a sixth grader about 5’2" weighing 120. I hated my mom at that time. I don’t want to point fingers, but it was her fault. She had separated from my dad and fell into depression. So, we ate our feelings away. When I see pictures of myself at that age. I say, man, my mom was being a hater, I was just curvy. Well developed. I wore oversized sweaters, which didn’t help my case, made me look ten times bigger. I was that “fat girl”! Till one day, I started calling myself BIG.ASHLEY but I preferred BIG.A. It didn’t stop others from calling me other names. I didn’t care though, well sometimes I did. I wished I had a flat tummy; I wished I looked like the woman in the magazines. My number one bully, the one that helped distort my imagery. I called her mommy; she called me fat girl! She would say it nicely, I think she was just a big meanie.

Waking up to the sun beaming at my face

I slept grate, only problem I had was my foot was on the break

A good night’s rest in my car is all I needed, you’d be amazed.

I cannot remember the first time I had a crush on a boy. It is better that way... Oh wait, I am trying to change, that phrase was a lie. I was in seventh grade and his name was, Everardo, Julian, Andrew, Brandon, Bryan, Anthony, Jamal, Christian, Kevin, some twins named Daniel and Austin, I can’t forget my favorite Jackson. One thing they don’t tell you is, when your molested you either hate men or you become promiscuous. I found comfort in talking to all kinds of boys, before I met ‘what’s her face.’ Even after high school boys turned into men. I wanted to be loved; I wanted to feel appreciated. I hate love because for me, I feel love so intensely. Sometimes I just can’t, I don’t know how to deal with this. I have read a lot of articles and gone to therapy. They say borderlines struggle with relationships; or you can google How to Get Away from Someone with BPD. Is it wrong for me to think, to be loved, I had to give up some parts of my body? Maybe... Yet, I curve these men like no other day. Sometimes I'm mean to my men, I hate them, but I love ALL my men, very deeply. Older men, some call it a fetish. I am also into ****. Why is a thirteen-year-old thinking like a grown woman? I am not sure but my therapist at that time thought it was obscured. I can be clingy, maybe that’s why they leave me? I attract a certain kind of demon, a B cluster member. I hate you, but please don’t leave me!

What is forever? Something that is there all the time, right? That’s how this feel, never ending cycles. I try and I try. After many diagnoses they finally got it right. I felt relieved but at the same time I asked myself why? When I got to the root of it all one event had the power to change my life. I hate that I gotta live with this. I’ll never see sunshine. That’s a lie. BPD can be manageable if you really want to. I learn something new about myself, and I love that. Only I can change and make things right. Only time can tell when I'll be alright. Forever is not always a terrible thing. I stopped looking at it that way to find peace. I give myself credit for putting up with myself and not giving up so easily. It’s not an easy thing to do, it becomes a lifestyle. It’s like battling concrete. You get a lot of ****** knuckles, always made sure I won. I can always forgive; I forgive myself forever I wouldn't want to live with this pain for eternity. Don’t allow yourself to let it take over. Don’t allow it to choose your world. In the end it’ll be all worth it. Forever is true, forever upgrading never knew what prime is.

The smell of aerosol flowing through my brain,
I like to paint,
Spraying on the walls,
Was the only thing to keep me from falling apart.
I walked in the rain; I walked in the heatwaves.
I don’t play, I splattered on pavements.
I have no crew, they call those, the ones.
BIG.A oner
It was never about street cred.
I am an artist, that's what I repped.
Rode the 460 bus, all the way to LA.
That’s where I met, ‘what's her face’?
Anyways, forget her.
You ever had a dream you didn’t wanna wake up from?
Ever felt like you were up in the sky, on cloud nine?
Maybe it’s just me; I’ve been working on this piece since 12:03?
I think???
The one part I hated, getting high off these paintings.
Trust me, never intentionally
I love that about me thank you borderline, for the personality of creativity!
Don’t get lost in the sauce.
‘What’s her face’ called; she said she’ll meet me at the same spot.
I like to paint,
I loved getting lost...

I CAN’T STAND WHEN PEOPLE ARE YELLING.

IS YOUR CAPS LOCK BUTTON BROKEN?

MY BRAIN IS SAYING,

THEY’RE BELITTLING YOU; YOU’RE A JOKE TO THEM.

I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FUNCTION.

*****!

OH, NOW YOU’RE USING WORDS TO OFFEND ME!

I’M THEIR OPPONENT,

I’M ABOUT TO SWITCH,

I SEE RED,

THAT’S NOT HOW YOU GET THROUGH ME!

BUT TO TELL YOU THAT, IT WON’T BE EASY.

GOTTA GATHER MY SCATTERED THOUGHTS NOW.

THANKS A LOT, I WORK HARD TO MAINTAIN A CLEAR MIND.

YOU TELL ME TO USE MY WORDS, AND YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND ME WITH ALL THE YELLING BUT WHEN I DO. YOU START YELLING!

WHY?

OKAY, DEEP BREATHS, LETS COUNT TO TEN; ONE, TWO, THree,

FOur, We ARe GETting CLOse, FIve, Six, SEven, I HAte IT, CUZ It STays IMbedded, EIght, Nine,

ten...

i made it, i do not get it. as i lay in my bed, i closed my eyes. that was a lot of energy you took out of me. i'm drained and exhausted, why do you always have to yell at me for? my head hurts, i hear whispers. they are telling me, you will be okay, tomorrow will be a better day. goodnight baby demon, you are great, we love you.

I’m actin’ out.
Throwing fits.
I thought I was cool,
I know I'm the ****!
Punching holes,
I hear the neighbors  
Shoutin’ out they windows.
Here I go,
Busting down doors.
“Shes crazy!”  
It never phased me,
It's what they called me,
I promise,
I wasn’t trynna die.
I know I can lie,
These thoughts on my mind,
Be talkn’ bout, yous’ crazy
Yous' outcho mind!
So, I indulge in slicing through them pies.
Wear my emotions outside.
I got red on my mind.
Fifty-one fifty,
What are the odds?
Don't ask me how I'm feeling inside.
When I told y'all more than twice.
Let me hit up one of my guys!
Riding down the blvds,
DND on.
I toss my hospital robe,
I'm bouta get lost!
I’m gone; the streets of Bakersfield, here I come!
I was under a gazebo,
Sippin’ wine.
Now, I'm catching the metro lines.
It was cold at night,
But I was happy inside.
Having the time of my life, running on pop tarts and forty ounce,
Strangers were my family.
Telling them my stories.
They don't know me,
They don't call me crazy tho.
Eventually I get home,
Three days later.
Yeah,
I was fifteen years old.
My momma doesn't even know,
I took a train,
Rode the bus,
Walked for miles.
I was tired,
Of course, I took the offer
I was another man's passenger.
Was it good luck?
Who knows but I made it home,
Call me crazy,
Call me insane,
I call it,
It was a way to escape home and these thoughts runnin’ round’ my brain....

Originally my spawning date,

was March 13.

They’re in a hurry to spawn a demon,

I will admit we are always fashionably late,

Excluding tea parties.

No offense,

But who would want to be

A Pisces?

Not ME! Actually,

My moon is in Pisces.

I read my label, the description of the family I was being spawn to,

And it said:

YOU HAVE BEEN SPAWN; YOU WILL HAVE TWO HUMANS AT FIRST AND THE OTHER TWO WILL BE BIRTHED, DON’T BE ALARM THATS A THING HUMANS LIKE TO DO:

Both of your humans, which you will call parents, Aquarius,

Even your little sister; proceed with caution she will be an airhead.  

The scapegoat of the family; your other sister she’s a cancer.

So, you see,

Little baby demon, they are desperate, they really need you! In their own words “We want HER!”

I love them all, I really do, I just hate that they don’t want to understand me

Not one bit, they pick and choose!

I hate it over here; everyone is always so salty.

Always in a mood. Then they wonder why I'm always grumpy, always ******* up my groove.

This demon is tired and a bit confused, we apologize for the inconvenience,

We don’t accept returns once the package has been tampered with.

Thank you for spawning with us, we hope to see you soon.

Just my luck, I'm stuck; never been scared to lose!

‘What’s her face’ became my best friend; I tried to see her every day. I met her through a mutual homegirl, about a year ago.

I asked her, why are you out here for? I guess she wondered too.

She had told me once If I am ever too much, just drink some *****.

It stuck with me. ‘What’s her face’ always knew what to do.

What attracted me about her was that she never judged, she never lied, never gave me a reason to start a fight.

I escaped home to go see her, we painted all day and all night. I scraped up change! At this point, I really needed her.

She was home! She didn’t make me feel crazy. I was never alone. She held me. She helped me.

**** PAINTING!

She kept me... She kept me whole. I thought so. ‘What’s her face,’ what’s her name, I can’t remember for the life of me!

It’s Crystal!

Yeah...

Crystal last name Methamphetamine.

I should've listened to Gucci Mane, I’m stubborn I get it. I was a dummy and got lost in the sauce. **** the paint, I was in agony pain! **** these feelings and **** healing.

Crystal was dope, she helped me cope. How does that slogan go?

DRUGS, NOT HUGS!

You know which one, the one they had you pledge you’ll stay “drug free,” they had you wear a red ribbon on your wrist for a ******* week.

I’m so angry, why did I feel so lonely? I missed my sixteenth birthday. I was grounded cuz my mom found my piece.

It was pink.

I hate pink.

It didn’t matter, not for crystal, not for me. I was at peace, twisting the pookie!

Getting too comfortable is dangerous,

It eventually ends, all we do is fight and fuss.

We are meant to grow, be a better version of ourselves

Instead, we bring each other down and I start questioning myself.

I am worthy and so are you, I am letting you go, and you should too.

We both know how this will end, it’s something we can’t bear.