it’s not to guilt trip
i’m not ashamed of the things i’ve
dealt with
im different i wear my pain
like an accessory
it pairs well with black
it’s not who i am
it’s still a part of me and she’s beautiful
she relied on family
family that couldn’t hear her
she relied on friends
friends that became distant there nowhere near her
she relied on the streets
streets that chewed her
did her grimy
i still gave plenty of chances
im working on my black and white thinking
it’s hard sometimes shes not weak
she reads the room wrong
she only sees n hears what she wants to believe
she went on vacation
she needs to finally heal
if she doesn’t comeback that’s also fine with me

being stuck between doing good
or tossing everything because i’m
in a mood
but this is only the prelude
i can’t confuse
i know what i want to choose
the urge to keep pressing snooze
i have to remember
i can’t afford to loose

before i disappear let me say this
ill be clear
i’ve been on hello poetry for quite some years
wish i had access to the old me
i can see her writing as she sheds tears
i wanna hug her and tell her never stop we’re almost here
sometimes it’s okay to let go
she’s battled for so long
it’s okay there’s nothing wrong
she deserve the peace
i’m saying goodbye to lover girl
i have to let you heal
and it’s okay if i don’t ever see u again
the job is done
rest well

when everyone’s asleep
i sometimes can’t seem to catch some Zs
i hear creaks
i’m overthinking again
or am i being seen
i like too tease
i play tug a war
with my insanity and peace
i just broke my stupid piece
i truly think this is my expertise
i can sound extremely crazy
and lately
i haven’t been feeling
to feel anything

i’m glad it all connected this way
because when i’m not on the other-side, you’re gone far away
not only you
anyone that was in harms way
like any other thought it’s inevitable
as i make room for new ones
you become forgettable

these voices in my head
they yell at me
i just cry in my bed
they say im unloved
i’m ugly
and they want me dead
they’re so mean to me
how do i stop the bullying
they’re sneaky
they creep up on me
i become angry
i spazz out
cuz now i feel like everyone
is against me

i prayed a few nights ago.
i told the moon what u did,
i told her how i felt.
i told her to still look out for u,
because i still think about u when im in bed.
it’s confusing,
i guess it brings peace to me
even though i still don’t know ur feelings….

lately, i’ve been letting these days
go by.
i try not to think,
it’s helping, i don’t
want to cry.
it’s a good thing,
this i cannot lie!
lately, i’ve been taking in
the many things
i have accomplished.
proud to succeed.
many people don’t want
to see me achieve!

my first session of therapy starts tomorrow
i am not thrilled
i don’t  know how far it’ll go
i am scared i will get attached
just for them to tell me they lack
“i am moving”
“someone that has more experience might help”
or my favorite they brutally ghost me
it’s inevitable
stigmas of bpd people refusing help
is not because we don’t want it
it’s because mental health facilities
labeled us as borderline
lost cause human beings
i have been pessimistic recently
i am tired of the same routine
“what brings you here”
“how long have you been feeling this way”
“medications can also help”
“take it day by day”
I JUST WANT TO BE ******* OKAY!