What can I say? Another one dead and gone away.
Lost to ignorance, or
Possibly blind to addictions hooked grip.
One day your dangling a toe
Just over the edge. The next,
Your staring up wondering
How you lost your footing. I could say he’s a ******, but
Lord knows the elixirs I have invented
To dispel the dark heart of my depression.

Though I stand stoic, life has taught me
To never shame a smile. The sun rises for the living, and
Dead men fall short of tomorrow.
The amorphous soul slips through the seams
Of hands grasping to hold. So, when death discards its cloak and
Swirls its specters all around me
I’ll raise up life like a guiding lantern
And
Step through existence with my convictions.

I stayed up until the sun rose. Now I don't know whether I want to sleep or stay awake. I have a road trip ahead of me. So now I have to act happy in a car ride with my mother. Great(sarcasm)! I will just read on the way there so I don't have to speak to her.
Avoiding my mother plan complete. Good thing my little sister will be there. Sometimes I want to tell my mom the list of things she hide from her friends in conversations. Including my mental illnesses. She would probably put me on a prayer chain without hesitation. Because according to her, avoiding things being said out loud is a way to face problems. Yeah great way to teach your kids(not really). I don't understand how she can hide behind that mask when some days I can see right through it and see the monster she really is. Because I know that I am not the monster of the family. My older siblings refuse to bring up our deep seated family issues that are generational. I don't get how they wear their masks. I can peel them all off with a single truth. My family keep secrets from people when we could just tell them our problems but no hiding is safer. I refuse to hide my problems and the generational issues.

I don't need a magic broom to "Defy Gravity" as the musical Wicked implies. I just need ink and paper. I create new chapters of my life. I forge my path. I slip off the expectations like a jacket and hanging it up so it shine up the white room with it's gilded glory.

I run through all of the situations even the impossible ones before I start talking to someone. I rehearse conversations to the people I want to talk to before I even say a word. If I want to ask for forgiveness I make a speech ahead of time. If I am going to make a fool of myself then I might as well be sincere while doing it. I read the room before I make a statement. I read the body language and the expressions of every conservation before I take the spotlight. I know everyone's job position just by looking at their clothes. I don't hold back my words so I never get to live with regret.
I overthink a lot, this is my anxiety that I speak of.
I overthink a lot, I know it's brutal honesty.
I overthink a lot, just give me a chance.

I'd rather live a lifetime alone,
because being a woman is so vulnerable.
We fragile flowers with beautiful petals
that everyone wants to pluck
it doesn't matter what the flower says
if their mind is already made up.
I could never trust another man
and god knows, I don't want to.
When all they've ever done is take from me
but for some reason, never you.
You took me by the hand
and asked me if it was okay,
you put me in the light
and for the first time I felt safe.
But, I did what I do best,
I went and I pushed you away,
so I'd rather live a lifetime alone.
because I can't trust a predator as prey.