You were getting too close for me to handle.
You understood the darkest parts of my mind.
Resulting in me breaking yours first.
Before you'd have the chance to break mine.

I shouldn't have let you in.
You knew more about me than I did myself.
It was just an invitation for additional pain.
To end up crying, screaming for help.

Don't ask me questions about why
I have the tendency to think the way I do.
But if you were in desperate need of an answer,
then my response would most definitely be you.

You caused this constant fear of pain.
Don't tell me things will be alright.
There isn't a thing that will make forget
About a darkness I don't have the strength to fight.

I wasn't surprised when you stuck around for the good days,
Leaving the second you had seen me at my worst.
That's why before you had the chance to break my heart.
I knew I'd have to break yours first.

Loving you was like pointing a loaded gun to your head, just to find that once you've pulled the trigger, all the bullets suddenly vanish.

Loving you was like jumping off the stool to hang yourself, just to find that once both feet are in the air, the rope has disappeared.

You were never good for me, but I was even worse for you.

I'm sorry I had let you down.
And I'm sorry I broke your heart.
I'm sorry I ended up leaving
When I said we'd never be apart.

I'm sorry I pushed you away.
And I'm sorry I let you in.
But know you were the closest to me
That a person has ever been.

I'm sorry I gave up on you
And every "I love you" I managed to say.
I'm sorry I promised to be by your side
And for the mind games we often played.

I'm sorry I'm messed up
And for every single thing I do.
I'm sorry I wasn't the one in the end.
And for not being there for you.

I'm sorry enough to say I'm sorry.
Oh, how sorry I truly must be.
To write these words over and over again
In a poem that you'll never see.

I had always told you I will always love you
Even longer than you promised to love me.
You said you loved me more than the sun does the moon,
But my love had depth greater than the sea.

You said you'd love me for more days
Than there were stars in the night sky.
And I said I'd love you a trillion more days
After the instant you were to die.

My heart had brought me to the final conclusion
That you and I will be together.
But the thoughts in my mind reminded me
That there isn't a thing that lasts forever.

I wish to let go of these haunting truths
So there isn't a day we would be apart,
But you never understood me well enough to know
I think with my mind & not with the heart.

When you said you loved me,
I could dance for days.
When you said you loved me,
it took everything not to kiss your face.
When you said you loved me,
I held tightly onto your hand.
When you said you loved me,
I began to like who I am.
When you said you loved me,
I fell in love with your voice.
When you said you loved me,
you became my first and only choice.
When you said you loved me,
I knew that I'd fight for you.
When you said you loved me,
I believed what you said to be true.
But when you said you loved me,
I began to think I'm not the only one.
And when you said you loved me,
I tried to figure what it was that I've done.
I know you say you love me,
even after looking me straight in the eye.
But the next time you say you love me,
please tell me the reasons why.

Although you aren't a big eater, you snack on several unhealthy foods.
2. Your middle name is Andrew.
3. You thought a 'henna' was pronounced 'hyena'.
4. Watermelon flavored gum is your favorite.
5. You are 5,8"
6. You always come to my home games, even when you miss a few important plays.
7. You're #5 usually, but you are  #10 when you wear the maroon jerseys.
8. You know the lyrics to my favorite Taylor Swift song.
9. You are a huge fan of the Jags.
10. When you were 8 years old, your family forgot you to your own birthday dinner.
11. You notice different things I do with my eyeliner.
12. You draw stupid things in Spanish class.
13. Your favorite place to eat is Rib City.
14. You don't ever mind buying me smoothies.
15. You always put your hand on my thigh when we watch scary movies.
16. You remember it was a Friday in which you asked me out.
17. Although you own several t-shirts, you don't own any Florida Gator hoodies.
18. But you call yourself a fan.
19. You weren't impressed with Mockingjay Pt. 1.
20. I cannot stop thinking about you, especially on Saturday nights when I am not with you.
21. We have the same scar on our left hands and our ring fingers.
22. You take pictures of me when I'm not looking, but you delete them when I ask you to.
23. You have never told me I'm stupid, even when I am.
24. You don't like the beach.
25. You always wait for me at the end of class so we can walk together.
26. You remember what color shoes I wear on important days.
27. You don't get mad at me when I miss important parts of your game, as long as I am there.
28. You give me more hugs from behind than you do regular hugs.
29. Kisses on the cheek make you smile.
30. No one has ever been on my mind more than you.

It is so incredibly difficult to come to the conclusion that it has only been four months since I have met you. After several days of trying to find words and knit them together into a poem was a struggle for me, so here I am, writing you a letter. I would also like to apologize in advance for the sloppiness and disorganization you will find in these next few words. I know I have said this several times, to you and to myself, but I will continue to say this until the day I fall. But you, you mean so much to me. And this love doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt to be with you. It doesn't hurt to think about you, because I know that you are mine. And I am so blessed to be able to see your smile everyday and see your smile at night when we drink strawberry shakes and as I steal your fries. I don't care what time is it. I don't care if I should go to bed, because you will be on my mind either way, awake or asleep. And I don't care what this world thinks. I don't care simply because the only thing I can even think about is you. It's you. It's you that I want to continue to hold hands with and take pictures with and laugh with. I don't want you to let me go when we watch scary movies and I want you to continue kissing my forehead when we lie down beside one another. I don't ever want to stop stealing your french fries and I don't want to stop catching you take sips from my strawberry shake. I just want you to stay with me. Please don't leave me. Stay. You are already stuck on my mind and running through my veins and I don't ever want to lose you.

I don't know how many times I have tried writing you a letter to explain how much I adore you.
But after two hours of just writing, I have realized not a single word can be placed in my mouth to describe my admiration for you.
I do adore you. I really do.
And I wish you were here right now, so I wouldn't have to worry about finding words to describe the joy you have placed in my heart.
And I wish you could place your hand right above my chest and feel my heart beat when the thought of you crosses my mind.
I do adore you, but you cause me so much pain.
I crave the feeling of your hand in mine.
And if I only had one memory for the rest of my life, I would want it to be of your smile, because nothing makes me happier.
I want you to stay.
I want to kiss your cheek.
I want to wrap my arms around you.
And as much as I do adore you, all I want is for you to adore me too.

here i am thinking of you
when the song comes on.
but the thought that you might be
thinking of someone else
when you listen to the song,
has now become one of my
                                                                         *   greatest fears.

dear daddy,

                         i know you wont see this, but i want to let you know all that i'm feeling while you are gone. i feel happy. much happier than i used to. i don't feel as insecure. i have always wanted to be as confident as you were and now confidence plays one of the largest roles in my heart. when you stopped seeing me, i grew depressed. i couldn't sleep, i wrote several journal entries, and i scratched up my wrists and thighs. i got better and then i looked at my weight. i would go a few days without eating. i drank loads of water to fill me up rather than eating food. i once again, wrote journal entries keeping fasting records and tips on how to lose weight. however i did get better. i saw you a little afterwards with you and you and your girlfriend. i heard you two have had some problems; abusive problems. i pray every night that you two will work things out. when i saw you, you handed me laxatives and i couldn't tell by the look in your face whether you were kidding, so i took them into my hands, but threw them out immediately. i made a promise to myself that i wouldn't become so insecure about my weight like i used to. now that i have come face-to-face with my flaws and insecurities, the obscurity in my life has seemed to almost completely vanish. i am happy now. i am writing poems now that make me feel beautiful. i am taking pictures now. i am listening to different music now. i am playing basketball now. i am wearing long socks now.  i am wearing crop tops now. i am more social now. i can finally smile now and although you are starting to forget about me, i am much stronger now.

                                                           ­                                          much love,
                                                           ­                                       your daughter

this week,
i didnt eat
a single thing for three days

so i could feel
beautiful.

so i could feel
thin.

do you ever feel like you are so close to someone, and they just blow you off. you feel some sort of real attachment to them, because they have been there for you through everything; the ups and downs. i think it just hurts a lot. and i know it isnt something to cry about, but right now i just feel so incredibly hurt. and i dont even know how to explain it, because here i am trying to figure out why i wasnt good enough for them to stay. and there are many possibilities, but to think that the person you told everything to, just left because of your insecurities and flaws.

i think it is beautiful
that poets,
from all over,
are able to gather here
to share what we
have a passion for.
and there are writers,
who would rather
write about the bright side
than the darkness,
and there are others
who are comfortable doing
the opposite.

to create something lovely,
we write by ourselves,
but we are also writing
together.
and i am not sure if
this is as sincere
as i would like for it to be,
but i want to say thank you
for writing with me.

you have the same
dwelling eyes,
as i remembered.
and you have the same
soft lips
and although you are much
older
and taller now,
you are still the same
little girl i remembered.
i know daddy left
and mommy is struggling,
but you are still the same,
strong
little girl i remembered.
and i know you are
much more involved
in what you think
love is, but
you are still the same
strong,
emotional,
little girl i remembered.
and although you have changed
and you are not
very little anymore,
you are still the same
beautiful girl i remembered.

i am surrounded
by such beautiful faces  
and delicate bones.
and to come
across the thought
that there is a
broken heart
behind their comforting eyes,
makes me weak.
and behind fragile arms
are scars.
and i dont feel any pain,
or the need to  f a d e  away
but why are such beautiful faces,
so far into the obscurity?
and why do they have the most
insecurities
and
incomplete happiness?