I had a light in me
It shone so bright that people could see what was inside
I talked about things that I loved religiously
And I clearly knew what I wanted to do
I did not give two shits
About what anyone thought of my work
Until I found myself wanting recognition
I asked people to tell me what was good and what was bad
I saw no wrong in that
Neither did they
Until I realized that I craved for compliments
I craved the praise
It was not for bad intentions
I wanted to get better
I wanted to be heard
I wanted the world to know me
But slowly, I became obsessed
I started relying on people
I relied on them to tell me my work is good
While I no longer believed in myself
The more they told me it was not good enough;
That I was not good enough
My light started to dim
And discouragement was staring me right in the face
I spent so long minding what everyone else thought of me
That I forgot the reason I was doing what I was doing
I listened to what everybody wanted me to do
I pushed aside the things that I wanted to do for myself
I can't function, I can't focus, I can't become what I want to be.
It's painful, it's tiring, agonizing if you must say.
Confused on where I went wrong, but I can't keep replaying it all night long.
So, I'll have to keep on moving even if I can't stop this confusion.
I long for the day when I can pick up the brush and paint
To dip the end into the unknown and paint wonders
To create breathtaking pieces
To paint for them to see all that was inside of me
To paint my mind out and lose myself in wonders I couldn't believe
I long for the day when I take the brush and paint
I yarn for the colors that surround me and all that is patiently waiting for me to discover
And fear runs through me and I feel like crying, but nothing comes out anymore
Screams shake my body for a form of release
Anger against myself resides within my bones
And looking in the reflection tears my lies apart
Because at the end of the day, I'm standing alone
Limp body held up with shaky arms
Alone with my disoriented mind and tongue full of lies
I am so very afraid to say this out loud because then I am left with nothing but to change
And I fear the change I must undergo
To become a human like you or become more of a mess
What if there is no hope? What if this is all there is to me?
I do not wish to find out.
6:30, the sun settling in unfavorably early. The moon taking its luxuries time before filling the city with its faint glow.
The in-between is a black ocean I don’t hesitate to dive right in. Dizzy and lost such an addictive feeling.
Just between the sun fully sitting and the moon slowly rising, a quick “how do you do” before parting.
It’s a shame for moments like this not to shared with another. Such a darkness no human should bear alone.
Some say it’s destructive, some say it’s beauty. A trigger to fruit filled memories.
A trigger to every sorrowful memory and agony.
To each with one’s demons.
The room goes dark
Its time to play
Bewildered look on
Glowing by the sheen
From candles lit
Let the games begin
A dark voice says
Sweat builds on her brow
Like a tear drop
No sadness here
She awaits in anticipation
Her body is tense
Ropes, whips and chains
Hanging on the walls
Will we be used today
Takes hold of the ropes
Ties her to four posts
Attached to a bed
Dressed in silk clothes
So soft where she lies
He covers her eyes
Field of view obstructed
Like a cave underwater
No life expected
Her ears come to life
Tingling from slow breathes
Blowing from his
She gasps for air
Her body bare
First time playing
He isn't easy
A big smile forms
Pleasure is torture
She wants more
Craves deep within
Nothing more than
Hot and Cold hands
Moving across her body
Up and Down
Exploring her map
Over the hills
Through the valleys
From chest to navel
Mouth to Mouth
She licks her lips
In slow motions
Like a fan
He tastes so good
So much emotion
The smell of leather
In the air
Takes a deep breathe as
He rubs the ice
Down the Hills
Is it too hot?
Is it too cold?
Her brain can't function
What is this?
is it Pleasure?
Is it pain?
She wants to learn
His tender touch
Is it love?
Is it hate?
Is it passion?
No, keep going
What to do?
What to say?
She says nothing
She has escaped
Into the confines of
Her mind distressed
She is fully obliged
Mouth to lips
She comes undone
Her body contorts
Like trees in the forest
What has happened?
She'll never tell
Her body fell
Into his arms
Her Dark Tormentor
I found somebody who carries my soul gently.
He took the demons you left me with and cast them all out.;
He planted flowers where you left weeds.
Although I was nothing but a dimly lit star to you, he sees the opposite.
I am his sun, he is my moon.
And together we rule the galaxy.
He takes care of me like no one has ever before.
-Thank you for leaving, for if you hadn't I would never have found my diamond in the rough.