Led by foreign madness, we
- to long expected sleepless graves -
will swim to sink and drown in numbers
weighted down beneath the waves
with nothing left inside but shadows;
no-one left of worth to save
In one end and out the other,
warring with psychotic pride, then
born again and made to suffer
- karmic purpose ill-forgotten -
each new chance at life, a buffer:
"Next time: change..." we chant inside.
Cycles written, history leaking,
sorely weeping through the pores
of growing wombs and offspring born
- another child of soulless form -
to breastfeed lies, imprisoned, shrieking
time again: disease repeating.
Sin ingested (soup for poor)
- the bile of shame and burden lost -
as people starve and lives are sold
and terrors planned to mind control...
and all the while our sickened bodies
hover, rotting, rank with worry.
Toll the bells - it's time to breathe
and weed this horror from our conscience;
steer ourselves towards a pardon,
pave the way, resume our garden
seeding spirit, heart, and mind
with growth to bloom for one last time
or we, the people, incarnating,
won't survive beyond our mating.
Written 9 July, 2016
Pricks at me
Like the frigid fingers of death
Creeping slowly closer
Hiding in the rifts of my happiness
For a chance
A chance to pull me under
Finding purchase in my memories
Killing the weak
And defacing the strong
Never to be the same
The desolated parts of me
And lost time
Hiding from the monster in my closet
That’s now in my head
I welcomed it
Thinking it would vanish
But looking back to find it
Crawling through my very being
Growing as a deadly cancer
But keeping me alive as food
Until the time
It’s strong enough to take me away
Tremendous afflictions await the unexpected.
As if ignorance was Olympic worthy.
A sea of desperate pleas.
Slowly exstinguishing the sun.
Deaths melody is on the wind.
A wake that consumes.
Dragging a deranged animal to the surface.
Clawing through flesh and steel alike.
For there is little difference.
The fear sets in.
Panic injected intravenously.
Rushing and beating with every tide.
Manifestation of self.
I held my phone.
And started to scan your pictures.
Strong surges of nostalgia pile up.
Memories became a movie in my head.
You texted me.
"How are you?"
My mind's shouting
"Im not fine. I miss you so bad and it hurts this much."
Thoughts are clouding my mind.
What ifs get under way.
Why did we end up like this?
What have we done to each other?
A war in my mind's in climax
I cant get you out of my mind.
How's me? I dont know. I dont know.
You left me. I think Im fine. Really.
The night's soon to end or so I thought?
The sun will come out in any minute to welcome me.
You were like the moon, you left me in my darkest moment.
And I still have no sun to shelter me.
I was drunk with my thoughts of you.
My eyes are blurry because of tears.
My tears drown me in bed.
I am wrecked.
My senses are tired.
They kept on shouting for me to take a glance at them.
I ignored them when you left me.
I havent been okay since then, I guess.
The city is so busy like me.
Im tired, Im leaving now.
Now ask me before I go:
"How are you?"
I'll be fine. I hope you miss me too.
A lifeless girl in bed with a letter beside her was found.
Im in a labyrinth
Cant find my way out.
Im succumbed by darkness.
My spirit's so helpless.
Im shouting for a hand
But i seem so voiceless.
Noone notices me.
Is anyone out there?
Im on bended knees
Hugging myself in solitude.
Noone is here except me.
I see nothing but myself.
Im in a labyrinth.
Cant find way out.
It's my life
Cant find my way out.
There was a dead body lying in my balcony,
Of a bird,
Its eyes still open
And I thought, this is what seems to be a corpse
Still and void of any life course,
So I buried it and bid farewell
To the one that was once spotted as "Pigeon"
Follows no rhyme scheme
Contrary to popular belief,
depression is the best pain killer there is.
It forces itself down your throat,
and canon-balls into your stomach.
Ripples chills throughout your body,
that's when you know it's starting to work.
It pulses through your veins,
numbness radiating through you.
there is no pain.
It will consume you until there is nothing left,
just the hollow shell
of a once
So, I tend to write a lot...at least when some words pop in my head or I get some inspiration. I get some form of enjoyment out of it and I like it even more when people read and comment nice things (like about anyone else does), but sometimes all of this to me seems very artificial, arbitrary and quite pointless. It feels at times like I'm not doing it all for the right reasons. I read some of my poetry and I can't help but feel sometimes that it perfectly fits the poetry stereotype that's generally used to get sympathy, responses, and even some pity. It's usually depressing, overdramatic, it rhymes a lot and it uses fancy words to get across a usually repetitive and predictable point...sometimes having to do with love or a breakup.
I've constantly gotten to the point where I get to thinking...who actually cares about what I'm doing or how I'm feeling? It all feels like some type of online etiquette, like it's not really real. Like it's all done just to be nice or to get people to return the favor because you took the time to comment on their stuff so they feel obligated now. It's a lot like social media in a way. I enjoy social media, but I also see so many flaws in it and much MUCH stupidity with it. We flock to stupidity like this because it's marketed specifically to us and about everything in the world revolves around the internet. Any interest you might have is 99.99% guaranteed to be on the internet, so why pursue those interests if you can watch someone else do it to get a similar kind of cheap satisfaction without putting in any of the effort to achieve it? Mind you the satisfaction never lasts and you end up binge watching videos online of your favorite hobby so that the little rush you get won't go away. You trick yourself into being happy with just watching something, but in reality you're only watching this stuff to cover the fact that you can't do it and that you have nothing better to do in your own life (or choose to give a significant portion of your life watching someone online live theirs for one reason or another). Either your hobby costs a lot of money, you're too lazy to put in the effort to get good at it, or you just don't want to do it yourself. You'd rather watch someone else do it all. You'd rather watch someone else who lives a much more fulfilling life. You might even pretend that you're in their shoes and it's all happening to you. I know I'm guilty of doing that. Watching a live performance of your favorite band and pretending that you're the lead singer and the whole crowd is going crazy about you? I'm sure it's more of a passing thought than most people think. That's the thing, we as a people care way too much about what everyone else thinks. You see all that massive attention and you get your hopes up for something similar, but when you realize that not everybody's going to be the next superstar and have the super talents...well, you get down about it. Then you watch some more videos to cheer you up because you don't know what to do with your own life accept go get a 9-5 job. Not saying that that type of job is a bad thing, but it's far from the glamorous job. It's average...which again is fine, but the world of the internet has shoved in our faces the idea of a life that's so bright, colorful and perfect that the normal everyday life looks inconsistent and non-comparable. You literally feel obsolete.
Way too much power has been put into the internet and rather than have much control on what you view, it's all plastered on your news feeds and in your search engine results. Stupid trends are created all the time on the internet and all your self-worth gets measured by how many likes, retweets, views and overall just attention you get from other people online because most likely you don't get enough of it in real life. Of course I'm not passing any judgement on you or attempting to insult you in any way when I say all of this, because I'm guilty of it too. We as humans are guilty of living lives like this...especially this generation that was born into it. I'm far from being the first person to ever say this, actually I see it being said a lot these days. It's quite ironic because these anti-internet campaigns are posted...on the internet and then it becomes some trend everyone's sharing to feel all high and mighty about themselves like they're in the know. Really though, we know what's being said, but we obliviously ignore everything we were just told because this way of life is much more convenient and it can pass the time in our boring lives. It's a interesting little change of pace, and then it's back to YouTube all day. Not everybody's going to be a superstar, so the "nobodies" glue their eyes to the people they look up to and admire because they achieved everything they couldn't.
Just look at all the corporate companies out there using social media and the internet in general to promote their agendas and provide their products to people who don't know any better. Being the next big thing guarantees that you can control a large flock of people who are solely following you because you're such a big deal online. Getting a catchy hashtag going viral for the masses, dumbing down content so it can be understood by people easier, mass producing...it's all not done for the viewer, it's done to make the viewer happy so they'll consume more of their material. In short, it's done to milk as much money as possible from the largest stage in the world and be set for life. That's why most people do what they do, for the fame and not for the joy of doing it. That's why nothing seems to have much life to it anymore, because a lot of it's become lifeless money-making operations. That's why you see so many famous people end up feeling depressed and suicidal in the end anyways, because soon enough you get used to the large crowds and the high that you get from it all fades out. It has less of an effect and you start to lose your meaning of life because the only thing that gave you any purpose so far all slowly seems to become routine and not special anymore.
Relying on the internet for your satisfaction in life seems to only take up time from your own physical life so you can get cheap satisfaction from other's lives. It leaves you still feeling empty and not accomplished at the end of the day and in general you just feel like another person of the masses. You lose your sense of self because so many people follow the trends in looks, in personality and in tastes so they can be popular and receive positive attention. All you have to give up in return is anything that actually made you feel happy because you enjoyed it, not anyone else. It's become more about other people and not about what you think about it. If you dislike the current trend, you're labeled as the outcast and you automatically don't fit in. Therefore, you're alone in life or pretty close to it. Living life this way in general just seems so awful and destructive to our potential because we as human beings can't put any emphasis on what's actually important in life. Glamorizing big stars because the news tells you to, changing who you are to fit the mold and living a life that doesn't feel like it's yours...it all doesn't sound too great, but it's pretty easy...so why not? That's the mentality out there and I feel those people don't see the big picture.
That's why we do it all...just so we can feel good without doing it ourselves...and that's why we're in a generation that's incredibly confused, immature and does not have any important priorities of their own because all their effort and time is given to the stars. It's real sad to see, but I've noticed that over the years that I feel less and less connected with this strangely connected world, because we abuse the technology and use it for all the wrong reasons. I feel apathetic to living life and the meaning of true happiness, because a lot of those things can be discredited and labeled as subjective even though most people know that there's a general quality of life everyone should go and live by. The internet the way it is now has now become a thing, it will continue being a thing...and as long as humanity is in charge of this planet, it will probably never will change. So is a life controlled by humanity really dull and pointless when you take a step back and look at it all? It really does seem like it.
Fluffy white clouds, sailing in a sea of blue
I never knowing, no I hadn't a clue
This would be the last day I would be seeing you
Got off work, went to your home
Door was locked so around it I roam
Peeking in the windows, rapping on the glass
Please just answer me, I shout out and I ask
I seen you this morning in the dawns haze
You looked so stressed, stuck in your maze
I made you promise you'd get some sleep
I laughingly suggested counting sheep
You gave your sweetest fake grin
Gave me a hug, turned around and went in
I whispered I love you as I turned to leave
I heard you heave a heavy sigh of relief
You was in the abyss
Company you would not miss
You was head diving for the bottom
Your mood fit the skelton tree's of late autumn
Your emotions where laid bear
You trembled like those trees in the cold morning air
Everything you had cared about, you let fall away
Just like those tree's did, all around you at your feet they laid
Everything you once cared about was in a slow rotting decay
You never answered your door that I pounded on
You was already gone
You left everything, even your phone
You took off all alone
You left no note
No sign of hope
One minute you was here
Now your gone and I fear
I will never see you again
I fear your sorrowful life you put to an end
But I'll never know
Which direction you decided to go
I hope your out living your dreams
That this is not what it seems
Dear friend I love you so
I really need to know
So out in your woods I took a stroll
Down to your favorite spot where the creek flows
Relieved your lifeless body I didn't find
Wishing you had left a sign
But I didn't find you there
Babe where are you, you know I care
Not knowing what happened to you
Is leaving ME lifeless and blue
She stood up from the bed straight faced, turned towards the door and made her way hastily through it. She neared the door ever quickly tears swelling in her eyes before ripping it open and leaving him sitting in the bedroom motionless and still.
He meanwhile stared at the ground in awe. Trying to piece together the past hour or so and especially what just happened. He remained frozen for a period before snapping too searching round the house for her, calling her name but received no reply. Upon making a round down the hallway, he could hear the door banging against the wall, open and empty...
He rushed outside in a mad panic and bolted to the end of the driveway frantically looking in either direction for her, but by now she was already approaching the entrance to a park she was familiar with, they’d been here before. She was already making her way across the frozen grass, it numbing her feet instantly. They stung as she made each step dressed solely in a jacket and boxers. The cold night air sent her into a shivering frenzy but her eyes were fixed on the pond.
Unaware of the girl whereabouts the boy overwhelmed with guilt and worry sprinted off down the street fueled by determination and adrenaline. Sprinting several hundred metres until he tripped and tumbled grazing his sides and knees, unfathomed and eyes swollen he stood and set off running harder determined not to give up. Through blurred eyes he failed to see a couple taking an evening stroll in front of him. With a loud grunt on the part of both parties he ploughed through shaking his head and continuing as he had.
The girl stood at the foot of the pond walking to the edge of the pond. “This is it...I'm finally leaving this hell I made...” she mumbled to herself as she closed her eyes and taking deep breathes she finished with “there's no going back now...” Taking a single step forward her frame plunged into pond, sinking, body freezing and trembling as it sank deeper into the dark abyss.
The park loomed ahead, with all that was left he pushed forward, hip and side bleeding from the fall. Wincing in pain he burst into the clearing. His eyes darted to and fro’ using the minimal light from the street lights to hopefully make out something, or someone.
His gaze turned to the dark forest suspecting she may have taken off inside, it was his only lead and so the boy made his way towards it only ceasing the adrenaline fueled sprint as the disruption of ripples in water caught his eye. He turned on his heel and headed for the pond, feet numb from the dew ridden grass. Meanwhile just below the surface and falling, the girl’s throat and lungs burned. With that she let out her final breath and begun to sink faster, eyes slowly closing She thought to herself "this is my final goodbye huh....sorry I couldn't make it spark...." The bubbles began to form on the surface of the pond which the boy quickly picked up on.
"Oh my fucking god no....no no no no and no" he began yelling as he sprinted for the pond with a new sense of urgency, ripping his shirt off taking a deep breath before diving head first into the water not caring for the fact he couldn’t swim. The icy water almost knocked the wind out of him as he made contact, eyes burning, swimming faster and deeper. He could make out her pale hand above her head as she sunk. In horror the boy almost screamed underwater but knew better than to. With all he had left he grabbed hold of her hand heaving your body up and grabbing her limp body tightly. He couldn't really cry under water but his eyes started to close and he begun to run out of breath, pushing to the surface he took a breath just before the surface taking in water. He burst through the shimmering wall of black and crawled onto the bank coughing and spluttering, coughing up copious amounts of water dragging a lifeless body, and his own limp one up the steep muddy incline. Spark staggered to his knees resting on his palms, breathing hard and heavy. Gasping hungrily for air he turned to his companion. Her body was cold and pale blue. Frozen. Lifeless.