It's bright and pounding
My heart is heavy and fast.
I don't know whats happening,
Why does no one else feel this too?
It's three o' clock,
Right on the dot.
Everyday, the wave comes and goes.
Like clock work I can't control it,
I don't know what to call it.
I can barely breathe,
Like I'm drowning.
My head is above water,
But my body is frozen.
I am eight.
My eyes, they're wide
And my breathing shallow.
This happened before,
Everyday since I remember.
I'm sitting in the car
I'm sitting in class
I'm walking with friends.
Either way it doesn't matter
It finds me still.
Inside I am in panic,
Every hair on my body
Stands tall and prickly.
My insides are quaking
Yet outside I'm fine.
My head is screaming,
My mouth a straight line.
I am twelve.
The feeling it comes still,
But now I am stronger.
I am smarter and bigger
And I know how to fight back.
You don't have a name,
But now I have a tactic.
A defense my body built.
Soon enough I forgot
The little girl, sitting panicked
In the backseat of her daddy's car.
My brain was smarter
and kept you at bay.
Yet, a worthy adversary you persist.
I am fifteen.
You come with a new bitterness.
You race all the time,
I boast I am immune.
I didn't defeat you,
I merely learned to cope.
You're still there,
But I forgot.
You're greatest victory to this day,
Making me believe I won.
I am eighteen.
And now I feel you,
Press hard and slow
On my breathless chest.
Where did you come from,
Old friend?
With no one around
You took camp inside.
I no longer had control,
Because you changed the game.
Suddenly you were there,
But new and darker.
A new facet to our evolving relationship.
It wasn't just an idea,
But people that scared me now.
It wasn't just clockwork,
But constant, pounding thoughts.
Thoughts that bombarded my peace
And attacked my every move.
I was immobile,
Isolated from the world.
You had finally won,
Taken me captive.
Congratulations!
I am nineteen.
I had forgotten how you once tormented me.
Isn't it funny the pain we unknowingly carry?
While I was weak,
You grew strong.
While I denied,
You persisted.
And so there we were,
Reunited old friends.
You come unexpectedly now,
I can no longer anticipate your attack.
I am learning your name.
I am twenty.
A girl comes up to me.
She says she feels strange,
Like she doesn't belong.
I ask her what's wrong
Why she feels not the same.
She says she feels left out,
That she isn't having fun.
She feels strange around the other girls,
And gets nervous and scared.
Her eyes wide and her voice timid,
Like she's never thought these words.
Her mind it goes off,
And she thinks others thoughts.
Inside she's a kaleidoscope,
Nuanced and colored.
But outside it is monotone,
And for the first time it makes sense.
She is eight.
She had the same panicked eyes
That I once had alone
in a crowded, full room.
It all made sense
I finally understood.
This is why, she was why
I once felt so panicked and strange.
She was why I never gave it a name,
How I innately knew what to do.
Because I knew how to beat it,
And I could help her defeat it.
He gave me this pain in my chest
Not for me, but for her.
It wasn't for my own gain,
But for her strength.
And finally I knew
why He made me so different.
I saw why my brain
Was wired so tight.
Her brain was like mine
And her thoughts ran with mine.
I am eight.
I am sitting in the backseat of my fathers car.
The sun is shining,
But the light is sharp and cuts my eyes.
It's three o' clock, I know.
My heart is pounding
My mind is racing.
And for the first time it has a name.
I know what you are.
And suddenly, I am not afraid.
