Today was the day
after the big news.
Two days after what
once could have been
a harmless phone call.
Two days ago,
however many years ago,
a late night phone call
stopped the world from turning.
My world screeched to a halt
two days ago
but there was hope.
Hope that the phone call was wrong
that he would come back to us.
Hope that he would have changed,
changed his mind and outlook.
But yesterday,
however many years ago,
all hopes shriveled.
A follow-up call
that he would never come back.
That I would never see him
hug him
or hear him again.
Today is the day,
however many years ago,
the reality
of losing my uncle
would begin to set in.
When I would begin to fear
phone calls after nine.
When I would curl
into a scrunched ball
trying not to scream out.
When I would never
be able to look back
without at least some remorse.

Today is the day,
in the here and now,
that I still cry for him.

Many need to realize
that depression?
Isn't just sadness.
It isn't just feeling down.
I write this with some,
irritation.

There are people who throw
the word depression around
when they mean sadness
or having an off day.

I don't mean to sound so much
like a pompous ***.
But depression is having off days
one right after the other
after the other
after the other.

It feels so painful
and empty
and hollow
and aching.

Aching not even for
a glimmer of happiness.
More aching to not feel
such emptiness.

If I exaggerate it's only
to further prove how far removed
depression is from
run of the mill sadness.

I'm not an authority
on what depression is
or how it affects everyone
or how it doesn't affect everyone.

I just know how mine feels.
I don't speak for all those
fighting the good fight
against depression.

I'm just speaking my mind
pointing out how so many
misunderstand, what I feel
is a simple concept to grasp.

I have so much to say
But the words
just aren't there.

These ideas rushing through
my mind is reeling
it won't stop thinking.

There are some things that
I just want get all of it out
To yell these ideas.

But for some reason
the words just stop in place
unmoving when I need them.

Trying to discover why
these words are just stuck
back in my brain.

Someday I'll know why
understand why they hid
fleeting from my grasp.

But I know when I need them
the words will come back
flooding out the gates.

They'll come all at once
not a simple trickle
but a great river of words.

More than I can put
on this blank page
and in greater detail.

I want to feel.
I want to feel you,
your arms around me,
my arms around you,
us holding each other.

But I don't know you,
or who my "you" is.
I'm just feeling
a tad sentimental
for things I've never had.

But dancing under
the brilliant stars,
to our favorite songs.
This is what I would
fall in love for.

Simple things,
and simple words,
I'm easy to inspire,
with loving words
and loving hugs.

I feel nostalgic,
for things I
haven't experienced.
But that's all I have,
feelings and love for "you".

Why go back
when you can move forward?
I face this question
each day I breathe.
It's not always so easy
to answer.
P
T
S
D
Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder
Keeps me looking back
to my past
behind my shoulder.
P
T
S
D
Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder
Usually associated
with our war heroes.
The ones who can't leave
the battlefield behind.
I am not one of them.
I am just
an anxious
a depressed
in pain
person.
But I can't help
that I have it.
P
T
S
D
Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder
My battlefield
was the school,
the classrooms,
the playground.
The babysitter,
the dark closets,
the dark rooms,
the basement.
P
T
S
D
Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder
The anxiety
the migraines
the depression
the fibro
no sleep.
All lead back
to square one.
The abuse
by my peers
by my teachers
by my babysitter.
P
T
S
D
Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder
Four easy letters
Four simple words
Lifetime in pain
from those simple things
from those not so simple things.
P
T
S
D
Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder.

Take a deep breath.
In through the nose
out through the toes.

Feel the emotions.
In through your brain
out through your hands.

Process the pain.
In through your nerves
out through your brain.

Can't let it clutter.
Don't allow it to take over.
Won't let it suffocate.

This anxiety.
The tightness in your chest.
You feel it happening as you sit.

The panic attack holds you.
It keeps you back.
Keeps you away from life.

You need to breathe.
You need to shake it out.
You need to think it off.

You.
Can.
Do.
This.

Take a deep breath.
Feel the emotions.
Process the pain.

This is just a blip.
Just a small blip
in your entire life.

You are strong.
You are smart.
You are stable.

The difficulty I see
through the news
through these tubes
is that people
don't see people
as people.

strange to say
the phrase before.
people should
see people
as people.

when I go out
I people watch.
knowing every person
that I see
has a life.

it shouldn't be
strange
to think of
people have lives.
duh, you may say.

but a person
gets beaten
*****
murdered
and they
are a victim.

you read in the news
"woman beaten brutally by ex"
and so many have the thought
"she probably deserved it"

you read a headline
"teen fatally shot by officer"
and so many ask
"well what did he do?"

you read the post
"celebrity dead by own hand"
and so many write
"what a coward"

Those people
the woman who was beat
the teen who was shot
the man who couldn't live
they are people.
they are humans.

all these people are humans
all these people
are people.
so treat them as such.

they have lives.
had lives.
cared for others
had others care for them.

don't be cruel
don't judge them
for their headlines.

because people
are people
and treat them as such
because someday
you may be a headline too.