someone tell me
whats so wrong with
wanting a memory
that we both remember

and someone tell me
what does it mean to
let go of something you've never had?

like,
someone just
*******
tell me
why am i feeling so sad?

im not asking for much
just a little reassurance
so that i feel like
i am enough

i just don't wanna fade away

today i felt like ****
so i drank a bunch
of antioxidants
i went home to
take a bath for an hour
couldn't stand up
in the shower

i'm dead meat

mascara, bubble gum,
and hallucinogens
i take my birth control
like i take my
vitamins

(i always forget)

i'm trying to be
a good girl this time
i wake up every morning,
and stay alive
i know i'm pretty ******
but at least your mine

i'm broken glass

first,
lemme just
check my facebook
to see if
anybody else has
"high functioning anxiety"
like me

i'm so sorry
your goldfish died
that's a nice picture
of your stupid wife

time to delete
another racist
let's face it -
you probably live
in your mom's basement

i just like the dog memes

i wanna go on long trips with you
stop at gas stations and eat chips with you
do the things that lovers do,
get lost and dissolve into you

but,
it's okay if we just pretend
we're only going nowhere
in the end

you could leave today
behind for tomorrow
this is the diaspora where
no one follows
and i promise it won't take much
to let it all go


sometimes leaving
just looks a lot better
inside my head

you make me jittery
restless and blistery
you wrap me up,
warm but bitterly

you are my cup of coffee

your limbs will break
faster than the construct
of reality if you can
just hold me for the rest
of this
song

i'm sorry i thought
that you could be this
strong

maybe it's the
distance between
our fingers -

or maybe
it's the distance between
each day

i just remember singing along
like i knew all of the words

i wanna become
entangled in your love
i wanna be
dissolved slowly,
ravaged and devoured wholly

but he said he only likes blondes,
so now my brown hair is gone
he said "this will be forever"
but i guess forever was too long

i wanna become
twisted under your thumb
i wanna be
your one and only
when you're with me
you'll never be lonely

but i guess forever was too long

my inspiration
lies in the palms
of your calloused hands,
drips from them like
wine onto
the floor -
into my mouth

i can tell you how i feel later
i know you only want to hear about
the happy stuff -
sugar-coated lies always taste better anyway

we watched the wind blow
and the flowers grow
and we were also

we watched the fire glow
made puppets out of their shadows
and we were also

we watched the time slow
and the hours go
and we were also

this world is a beautiful place
this world has a beautiful face
and it is yours

i work in a coffee shop
and i try to be
pretty and small
pretty and small
pretty and small

my boyfriend
calls me moody
and he's
6 feet tall
6 feet tall
6 feet tall

i like to write
and take naps
and i'm
five foot two
five foot two
five foot two

i like it where i am
but it's better
when i am with you
when i am with you
when i am with you

ok
this is the part
where i say
"i am mismatched
like a pair of socks"

ok
this is the part
where you say
"that's ok,
i never wore matching socks
anyway."

i'm taking it more gracefully this time,
i'm learning to love
in ways that make you mine

i'm taking it more softly this time,
i'm leaving all of my
hard parts behind

i'm taking it more graciously this time,
i'm finding ways to thank you
for all of your time

it's ok

your seat was empty at the table today.

i probably shouldnt be saying this but i really  can't resist:

if we were to suffocate
right here in this velvetly air,
i probably wouldn't even care
we would watch our things, our posessions, our valuables float into the atmosphere
as we continue to breathe in the sulfur,
ladies and gentleman,
prepare to say your last prayer

we were designed to go this way, i swear

is this really what it takes
to make us feel human?
is this really what it takes
to make us feel alive?
i don't know why i'd rather die
than to hang on every word
like it was your last

i really don't mean to sound like
such a bother but it's just that i can't
seem to figure out why i even bother.

and hey,
everybody has those days
and everybody has those nights
like the ones where i lay staring at the ceiling
til i feel like i might stop breathing
because i don't know
who to call at 3 in the morning
because i know your sleep is more important
because the only trace of
"i love you" can be found
underneath your finger nails,
i can still remember your breathing
your skinfolds, the tiny little details
but each dig feels sharper than the last
because i don't like to write in the last
few pages of my notebook because
i actually don't want my story to end

but here we are

we're dying in the street
we're struggling to breath
and i can't feel my heart beat
that's what i wanted, right?

i'm swingin in slowly,
entirely and wholey
like my mother used to tell me
i'm just trying to figure out where i belong

i'm homesick for a home
i've never known
and a home is not a home
when you're on your own

i'm crawling in quietly,
softly and slightly
like my mother used to tell me
"you won't get far by just stringing yourself along"

if you could feel
the way I feel
you probably
wouldn't be here
right now

i wish we were
walking in the rain
on the beach in
october
i wish
we were talking
in the rain
on the beach in
october

i wouldn't care about
my hair
in the rain on the beach
in october
in the rain
on the beach in
october

i wish we were
walking together
in this rainy weather
in october
on the beach in october
in the rain

your eyes are melting
like the polar ice caps
and I am swimming in your sea
there is nowhere I'd rather be
than watching television
while you sleep

I'm tracing the lines
of your smile
I'm watching your
chest fall and rise
for a little while

but I'm hardly
holding a grudge
and I'm not trying to be
something that you'll
just get tired of

it's just that
I love you so much
and sometimes
I don't think that it's
enough

i've been finding myself
burried inbetween
more and more
moments of unspoken anger

i've been learning how to
swallow that **** daily,
just like my *******
birth control

i'll probably end up  between
somewhere and nowhere
between the middle and the end
i'll probably just float away
and you'll all think I'm dead

mortality -
it's what means we are all
alive
mortality -
it's what means that we will all
die

i'll probably end up between
here and there
between the bottom and the top
i'll probably just fade away
and I just can't wait til it stops

does it get any better than this?

probabaly  not.

back when we were
in love,
and i was seventeen -
my hair was short
and i liked the way
you embraced my silence
i told you not to be fooled -
inside this head
blares a million sirens

back when we were
in love,
and i was eighteen -
my hair was long
and i liked the way
your breaths were delayed
i told you not to be scared -
there were so many times
where i don't know why you stayed

back when we were
in love,
and i was nineteen -
my hair was short (again)
and i liked the way
you softened the blows
you told me not to take you for granted -
but here i am
alone and empty-handed

inspiration is
a ******* waste
i just liked the way
your tounge tasted,
you called me "baby"
and carried my limbs when
my ligaments felt achy

it feels good -
now that you've erased me



don't come back

everything is temporary
i think to myself momentarily
as i stand and watch the river's flow
like the blood
in my veins
but no longer yous
and i ask myself
"where do we go?"
but i sigh in relief
and smile to myself
because for you,
there is no more pain

i had a dream
and you were briefly in it
i woke up
and the room was
spinning
i put my glasses
on
and suddenly
the thought of you
was


gone

i like it when you look at me
except
i just don't think
you really look at me
maybe it's because  
i'm not the one you wanted to see
or maybe it's because
i'm looking for
an unspoken apology

i'm really happy
i swear i'm happy
i smile 'til my
face screams
and everyone asks,
"how are you, addie?"

i like it when you think about me
except
i just don't think
you really think about me
maybe it's  because
you don't even know me
or maybe it's because
you see right through me

i'm really okay
i swear i'm okay
i shrug my shoulders
and i sigh all day
and nobody ever asks
"are you sure you're okay?"

turtles are my favorite animal
because they have a shell
which is mostly convenient
because sometimes earth
can feel more like hell

you are my favorite criminal
because you make me smile
you are guilty
and you are gentle
but it's okay
you seem to make it
all worthwhile  

i am my favorite artist
because i hate everything that i do
and i try to stay inside this shell
but all these words and ideas
keep leading me back to you

i'm still bitter,
i watched it set fire in the
summer
and crumble in the
winter

i'm still sorry
i felt it softly spoken
from your bedroom
it rolled off your tounge
and then suddenly it turned
soggy

i'm still lost
i searched for you
in the night time
the morning light
couldn't save me
and you just couldn't
seem to get
your ******* point
across

you are a ship,
that sails beyond my broad horizon
you are my ship,
that sails whien the waters are rising

there are storms being brewed inside of me
and i am waiting on the shore,
i watched you as the monsoon was unleashed
but couldn't help to shake off this feeling
i wanted to see more

you are a ship,
that sails beyond my broad horizon
you are my ship,
that i watched become swallowed by poseidon

i want you to erase my existance;
and paint me into your picture -
i'm grabbing the main ideas
just by the sound of your laughter
only the jokes aren't so funny anymore
but neither is this silence
it speaks with such volume,
and sudden violence
the space between your lips
is now an allusion to
the way a ship sinks,
it's like you can't take your eyes off of it
even though you really want to
what i'm really trying to say is
i just wanna write myself into oblivion
that way
i'm still alive -
even when i'm i'm no longer living

i wish that you'd wear your seatbelt
because i want you and no one else
i wish we were both sedated
because then there would be no reason
to say we couldnt make it
and the car is empty now,
and i can't seem to figure it out -
because now my heart is in my throat
because i don't remember a word
that you spoke
because the music skimmed the air
and i hang on to every note -
now the melody is diguised
in those little lies
while the love we shared slowly died...
so,
i wish that i didn't wear my seatbelt
because now i want to be anyone
but myself

i'm just feeling a little
indifferent
at this profound amount of
ambivalence
but i swear love you so much it's completely
ridiculous
it's like time slows down and then i become
limitless

I wanted to tell you
that I'm sorry I almost crashed your car
I guess that's just what happens when you're
sixteen and dumb

I wanted to tell you
that I'm sorry I drank all your *****,
and didn't call you back
I guess that's what happens when you're
sixteen and numb

I wanted to tell you
that I'm sorry I can't remember
the words you said to me before you left
I guess that's what happens with you're
sixteen and young

i've never loved a pair of blue eyes
just seas of green and everything in between

i've never been a part of something larger
just floating around in an endless harbor

i've never laughed with such conviction
accompanied with the feeling of a bare existence

i've never chosen to be loved so easily
but with you it comes so peacefully

this life i've orchestrated
is left dangling in these
unwashed hands of mine
the waves of time
are swimming in sorrow
and the waves of time
are running out
it's like i'm missing the punchline
to the joke
and the punchline is
that you aren't coming back
when will we realize that we
aren't really here
for a reason?
we are only here to exist
we are like god's paper dolls:
getting dressed up to impress no one
getting depressed to appeal to no one
when you are too busy falling in love to
comprehend this,
the lines become blurred
the universe becomes intrusive,
and you are immersed in mercy
smeared in the sanity
that you can't even grasp
then suddenly
the waves of time
knock your feet
right from underneath you
and you



drown.

let me crack open your already fractured skull,
and clean up the mess inside
these nimble fingers of mine
ache to be laced within yours
and i let me tear
the pages of a broken childhood
from your family photo albums
so we can write a new story
of kissing all the boo boos
and searching for the monsters under your bed
we can take the flashlights
out behind the rows of pine trees at night
and let me make shadow puppets of a life reimagined  
there's a breeze that flows
through the familiarity of this feeling
you can find it in the kitchen sink,
this shattered old bathroom mirror,
and a living room that never really felt alive
they don't matter anymore
and it's as if you never even lived here at all
and the boy stands in front of me
in the shadows of a second life
with a fractured skull and menthol breath
stringed with words that roll off his tongue
like barbed wire
because you don't even know yourself
and you're a fighting for a chance
at a life worth living
but these things will pass -
in and out of a melancholy mind of yours
while i remain on the bedroom floor
of the house you spent years trying to escape
cleaning up the mess inside your head

let's take a trip down memory lane:
endless alleys of admiration
capture the moments we took for granted
these loveless sidewalks
radiate desperation
as we watched the little things
slip our attention

let's take a trip down memory lane:
the city streets pulsate your name
and embody the countless emotions
that we both possessed
but can you  tell me -
do you feel this boundless
corrosion found inside my chest?

i'm having a of moment of un-clarity
like everything i've ever known
came crashing down in uncertainty
like i'm loving the way i hate myself
like i'm hating the way i love no one else
it's because we are content
with the sadness
and we carry that black mass
without a protest
and when we collapse into the darkness,
just sing a song with sad lyrics
with a bitter sound
and wear that distressed appearance
with a ******* demeanor
because everything i've ever wanted
has fallen right through my fingers
and you're never gonna be
as damaged as i will ever be
but here you are with me,
in a moment of un-clarity

i'm using the light to cast shadows upon your  body
shadows that tell us a story
of when i was 3 years old and my father left
of when i was 13 years old had an empty hole inside my chest
of when i was 16 years old and just ******* dramatic
of when i am 19 years old and just ******* sarcastic
i'm using the light to cast shadows upon your body
i'm trying to tell you that i am more than sorry -
i'm a sad case of sore eyes
wrapped in these cast shadows
hoping that this isn't something you will realize
and that all i ever wanted was a happy ending to my shadow stories

weird how something so impermanent
can feel so permanent
weird how laying in bed all day can be so tiring
weird how the afternoon was made for naps
weird how the rise and fall of your chest
can make the ocean feel jealous of such flawless movement
weird how these memories still remain after years of abandonment
weird how we never knew we'd end up here
weird how the winter winds brought me to tears
weird how you are everything and nothing
weird how i now have nothing

you're in my closet
you're next to my old ballet shoes
you're not graceful
and neither was i
you slipped through my fingers
so clumisly
with such force
you never really knew
how powerful you really were
you get so moved
you begin you move other people
me towards you
you away from me
we sit in silence now
you don't say rainy day thoughts
you just
tell me the same things
like: yeah, you look good today
but i never look good today
because there's this weight in my chest
you're in my chest
you're in my closet
you're in my past
with my old ballet shoes

there's nothing wrong with a little inspiration
put the blindfold on
and you're off to your new destination
you close your eyes and feel the vibrations
when you're on your knees and need a little motivation
baby let me be it

there's nothing wrong with a little medication
they send you home with a bottle
and you try to escape the depression
when you're alone in bed and want the temptation -
baby let me be it

there's nothing wrong with a little obsession
turn the lights out and let me give you some affection
attention, attention,
all you need is some protection -
baby let me be it

i love hating myself more than you love loving me
because love isn't easy and
neither are you
you are -
the sounds that stick to my  throat
songs that spill from my veins
and busy bruises that crawl up my body
and you are the things we leave behind accidentally,
the things we find coincidentally
turmoil that traces my jawline
and suffocates my esophagus
you and i need to be still,
be safe,
be subtle,
be still,
tie me up with your string of words,
end the struggle