Things I'll Never Say

Things I'll Never Say Apr 2021

My mom says,

"You look beautiful today"
She asks "have you lost any weight honey? Here's a salad before you go to work.
You dont want to get fat"

Mom says, life is always easier for skinny girls and that I haven't had it easy so maybe my weight is the problem.

I tell her I'm comfortable.
But as I walk away, I find myself gazing into my bedroom mirror pinching at the fat on my stomach
Wishing it was nothing but paper, because then I could cut it off and maybe then I would be happy and maybe then my mom would think I was good enough.
Mom says, "those leggings aren't flattering on you. And don't you know what people will say about you if you walk around dressed like that? Hide your body. Hide your curves, the world doesn't need to see your fat seeping through those nylon pants. "

I yell back " I don't care what you think! I LIKE THEM"
Mom says "yes you do, I know you do. Now go change and come eat your salad."

I force feed myself a salad for the 5th time this week and change into a baggy sweatshirt and some sweatpants.

I want to believe that I don't care what she thinks but her words feel like bee stings prickling my entire body and no matter how many times they attack, I don't grow numb to them.

I weighed myself today, I lost 5 pounds this week but im starting to feel sick from hunger, I'm light headed.

I head downstairs, the thought of inhaling every carb we have in the kitchen because it's been 2 weeks since ive had one and the cravings are too strong.

Just as I'm about to make some pasta mom comes into the kitchen.

"You look amazing," she says.
"You're so beautiful hunny I'm so proud of you. Wait... is that pasta? What are you doing? If you eat that you'll get fat again. If you're fat you won't be happy. You can't be happy. Put that down. Here's a pill for you hunny"

Take it when you're hungry, it'll take away the cravings and surpress your appetite.

I take the stupid pills that mom seems to think work like magic and I go back up to my room, staring at this body of mine that doesn't feel like mine anymore.

I hate myself.
I hate that I want to eat carbs and I hate that I dream of sugar every night.
I hate that my mom thinks I need a pill to fix who I am, as if I am unlovable when i am not losing weight.
Even as her daughter.

Growing up, we're always taught that our mothers are our protectors...
But I realize now my mother is the reason I never feel like I'm good enough.
I never feel like I'm loveable.

Mother's are suppose to make their daughters feel beautiful and empowered.

I spent my entire childhood on a diet.
To this day, I still hear her voice in my head.
Have a salad honey.
It will be easier if you're skinny.
Change into something else.

I wonder, if this will follow me forever.
If I will always be haunted, by my mother's shame.

I promise though,
If I ever have a daughter,
I will empower her to love herself no matter what.
I will teach her that love isn't based on your waist size and neither is acceptance you can find love at 400 pounds the same way you can at 130 pounds.
I will teach her she is beautiful.
I will make sure that when she grows up, she's not afraid to touch pasta, or have a sweet.
I will teach her, no matter what, SHE IS LOVEABLE. And so are you.. And so am I... I think...

#cm #spokenwordpoetry #spokenword #bpd #eatingdisorders #bulimia #anorexia #mentalillness #shame #selfhate

Things I'll Never Say Feb 2021

Untitled

You better keep your head up my dear
Do not let them steal that crown,
You've worked so hard and come so far.

Don't let them make you feel like you deserve to be treated unfair.
You were not born in this world,
For others to make you feel small.

You are bright, your energy is so big
And the world needs you to share more of it.
Don't listen to them when they try to dull your sparkle.

Don't believe them when they try to convince you that you will never get better.

Don't let them make you feel like you aren't good enough.

Because my God,
I promise you,
You are so much more than just good.

You are strong,
And wonderful,
And resilient,
You are kind,
And courageous,
You have a beautiful soul.

Anyone who tries to get in your way as you begin to heal and to progress, isn't worth investing a single thought into.

Be proud of yourself,
You've grown
You've endured
And you're still growing.

Be proud of yourself.
You're healing,
and not everyone is going to clap for you,
some people are just bitter.

Clap for yourself and carry on.
Be your own cheerleader!

Keep that head up, adjust your crown and keep walking.

-This is resilience

Bullying is never okay, it's important to remember that often times, when someone is bullying you, they are projecting their emotions on to you because it's easier than dealing with what is going on inside of them. It doesn't make it fair. It doesn't make it okay. And it doesn't make it any less painful. Try not to lose sight of who you are if or when this happens. People have a hard time watching you become successful. People have a hard time watching you heal while they are still struggling. But the right people will be there clapping for you. And you are stronger than you

#resilience #recovery #mentalhealthrecovery #bullying #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #bullyingawareness #youarenotalone #original #poem

Things I'll Never Say Dec 2020

They say it gets better, I know

Its not always easy to be patient,
I know
They tell you it gets better
But they don't tell you when

Its not always easy to wake up,
I know
You keep doing it anyways, but sometimes your bed feels like quicksand and you just barely make it out.

Some days, you don't make it out,
I know.
Some days you sink so deep into your sorrows that suddenly you're drowning in an ocean of hopelessness and your bed is the only place safe enough to land.

It's exhausting some days,
I know.

You go to work and you put on a smile even though everything inside you is falling apart, and they don't see,
I know.

You wonder how much longer you can keep pretending things are fine
But they keep saying that things get better
And you want to believe them,
I know

You want to find your way back to the surface, that is a life you're not just surviving, but actually living
I know

I know you want to get better. And I know right now you are struggling and I know that on the days where the only thing you accomplished was simply breathing, you feel like a failure, but hunny you are the exact opposite of that.

You are a fighter.
You are a survivor.
You are braver than anyone will ever know, surviving constant battles clawing at your mind every second of every day.

This does not make you weak my love.
This makes you strong.

I know people keep saying that things get better,
But they never tell you when.

You just have to take it one step at a time.
Pride yourself on accomplishing the little things that don't seem important in the grand scheme of things, but they are the things that are keeping you alive.

One step at a time my love,
One breath, one hour, one morning, one shopping trip, one shower, one day.

Some day, I promise you
All of these little things will eventually lead you back to the light.
Back to being hopeful for tomorrow's.
I know,

#cm #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #depression #suicide #anxiety #love #survivor #iloveyou #holdon

Things I'll Never Say Nov 2020

A Letter to my Ex, A Final Goodbye

My final goodbye

Dear ex-boyfriend,

I would say I hope this letter finds you well,
but I know you'll probably never get the chance to read this,
and
even if you did,
at this point, I know you wouldn't care.
I just had some questions for you that play through my mind, especially as the sun sets and my thoughts turn to darkness as the moon comes out to shine its pale light.

I wanted to know why this happened so fast?

We had one conversation and you told me you weren't ready, the next thing I knew it was over and you were gone. Like a ghost you literally vanished from my life without so much as a goodbye.

It destroyed me.

I was so confused,
how can you look someone in the eyes and tell them you love them every day,
and then bolt at the slightest mention of a future together.

Was I just a fool?
Were you only saying those words because you knew it was what I needed to hear to stay and you weren't ready to be alone yet?

Did you ever really love me?
Or was it just that you enjoyed the companionship.
Was it just that you enjoyed the way I loved you?
The way no matter what you did you knew I could never leave and I would still look at you as if you were my king while I later found out I wasn't so much as a peasant to you.
You knew how important close relationships were in my life.
You knew my biggest trigger was losing people I love.
You knew it could be dangerous for my mental health if you walked away, and you did it anyways.

I'm NOT saying I wanted you to stay with me
just so I didn't have to hurt.
The part that is tearing me up inside the most is just that
with knowing all of those things about me,
you still never said a word.
You never asked me if I was okay. You never provided me with closure.

One day I was the person you loved and the next day I was a complete stranger you'd already erased from your life.

It's taken every ounce of strength I have to pull through this heartbreak.
And I really wasn't sure I would survive it this time
because the truth is,
I really never have felt a love like that with anyone else, and so when you walked away
it really did feel like my world
and my life
was over.

But here I am writing you this letter you will never see.

I'm writing this letter,
and then I am letting you go.

You have come back into my life and torn it to pieces 3 times now and I've had enough of the heartache and heartbreak.

The only good thing that has come out of this is
I have learned just how strong
I really am.
I learned that even when I think my life is not worth living
and even if you think
I wasn't good enough,
I just need to keep waking up, and keep going.

Your heart was never big enough to handle the weight of my love
But I know someday,
I will find someone who sees me for all that I am
and loves me more for it.

So thank you,
I guess,
for giving me the chance
to find someone else
who can love me the way I deserve.

This is my final goodbye,
I will not bother you anymore.
I will not call or text your phone desperately awaiting an explanation I will never receive.
I'm writing this letter
and
I'm letting you go.
Once and for all.

Sincerely, your ex
-C.M.

#cm #poetry #loveletter #goodbye #heartbreak #heartbroken #relationship #lost #love #torn

Things I'll Never Say Nov 2020

I Can't Seem to Wash Away You

I had to wash my sheets again today
Not because they were actually *****
But because the smell of you still lingers on them
Because everytime I reach over to your side of the bed I can still feel your soul laying next to me
I had to wash away the memories of you holding me close as we fell asleep and you kissed my ears so gently
I had to wash away the tears I cried so many nights after you left me here broken, alone and so confused.
I had to wash my sheets today.
To try to erase you from my mind, to try and get a peaceful sleep.
But I know when I close my eyes,
Even if I do fall asleep,
I'll see you in my dreams.
I can wash away your scent but no matter what I do I can't seem to wash away you.
-c.m.

#brokenheart #love #lost #heartbreak #heartbroken #sad #lonely #alone #bpd #relationship

Things I'll Never Say Sep 2020

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry if someone made you feel like it was hard to love you

I'm sorry if you feel like being exactly who you are isn't good enough

I'm sorry if you look in the mirror and hate what you see because someone else said that you weren't beautiful

I'm sorry if you've ever questioned whether your life was worth living because some **** told you the world would be better off without you.

I'm sorry if youre reading this right now and relating to this.

I'm sorry if society's expectations of how a girl should look, what size they should be, and how they should ask, made you think that you were doing it all wrong.

I'm sorry your beautiful soul has ever had to question anything about who you are because the truth is, the world needs more people like YOU.

The truth is they're all wrong.

And I'm sorry for all the years you believed them and all of the tears you cried and nights you asked God why you weren't good enough.

You are.

You always were.

You were never hard to love, you were just loving the wrong people.

I'm sorry they wasted your time.

But its about time you stop hating yourself for not being everyone else's idea of yourself, and start being the version of yourself that you can live with and love.

-c.m.

#love #imsorry #youareenough #youarenotalone #mentalhealth #depression #beauty #believe #spilledwords #spilledthoughts

Things I'll Never Say Feb 2020

Endlessly Dark

Even when things are seemingly good,

I find myself gravitating towards sad songs,

yearning to discover a sense of connection...

I still find myself relating to sad quotes

and I still feel the tears burning behind my eyes.

I just wonder sometimes

if that deeply ingrained sadness, ever really goes away.

Do you ever truly get better

after experiencing so much trauma?

Or does it follow you everywhere you go,

lingering in the background waiting for it's moment

to take over again...

#thoughts #sad #sadness #depression #darkness #mentalhealth #mentalillness #connection #love #lonely