I wonder sometimes
If you bother to
Look at me
On the social media plane
The only plane
We the world
Can only connect with
At this point.

In the midst of the quarantine
I start braiding my hair again while its wet
My skin tans
I try to get my eyes to feel less
Tired.
My mom and I box dyed my hair
I record the many big little
Moments
In my mind
In my heart
Thinking
For later use.

And I know in so many ways I'm so lucky
I know I'm so lucky.

I am aware of the parts
That do sting like a bee
And I recognized I betrayed myself again
For a moments time
I do allow myself to get wrapped up in the drama
Of what is and what is not
And fear the unknown
The queen of making grand plans
Fearing all the question marks
That now sing and echo my name
Our names
Louder than ever.

I suppose there is a tiny bit of comfort
In the fact theres no real reason to
Feel FOMO
Everyone sits on their couch
In their house
I ring the bells of the sun
I paddle and try to convince myself
To go on walk jogs
Because the truth is
I just haven't been feeling
Super so into myself
And what I'm capable of
Lately.

So tonight
I sit in bed
With a paper towel of pumpkin coffee cake
And a glass of cognac
My wet hair in short soft braids
My mind as always
Trickles and slips over to you
And I see you fading and becoming
More & more distant
Just like they always do in a break up
And I wonder if you think on me often too
If between the pressing of buttons
On screens, on video games
On the places you hide so well
If you hear my voice
See my name, you once spelled out so often
And remember the way I tried to love you best
Intimately
Quietly
And yet with such strength.

I've been seeing this quote a couple times now
And essentially it reads:
Someone can love the way you love them more than they actually love you
And I wonder if that was us
I wonder if that was you
I wonder if really
That was me.

Its been an interesting exercise
When I think back on all the insecurity, fear
The feeling of whether or not I was enough
How I worried and griped about it all
And I knew it a bit then
And I certainly can see it more clearly now
But I think if I switch those nouns
Well, we know the rest.

I'd been chasing boys like you since I was 13 years old
I wanted to date so far so outside so dark so deep
Outside of myself
So that I could feel more alive
So that I didn't have to face the truths of myself
So that I could settle and be the better half.

I don't think that will be my reality anymore
And I sometimes have wondered if I will live a life
Of experiencing a series of people
Rather than being able to just find and choose and be chosen
By just a one.

I suppose life can be whatever you want it to be
And you can make what you want happen
I've proven that again and again
And I do hope the flames within me can simmer down
To a soft strong burn
And that an equal soft strong burning flame
Can fabulously
Mightily
And without question
Or settling
Or the need to qualify and quantify and convince myself
Its right
Can find its way to me.