im sad because my brother leaves again in a few weeks and i only saw him twice
im sad because i never had a dad
im sad because i "recovered" and i hate myself more than before
im sad because my medication doesnt work
im sad because i have no money
im sad because im not good at anything
im sad because i have no culture
im sad because people are uninformed
im sad because im sick
im sad because im being invalidated and told to just "get better"
im sad because everything feels like its falling apart
im sad because i have no god
im sad because im lost
i wish i could disappear
i wish i could find a way
to make a way

you were literally my soul mate in a friend
why did you have to do this
why did you have to treat me so bad
and I took that **** for so long
because I thought you were my best friend
it hurts
it hurts
it hurts
and now you’re a poem

dear someone I love,
i'm so angry
maybe not at you but at myself
because you didnt reciprocate my love for you
your love was lust
but the way you kissed me I swear you loved me back
but all this talk
all these comments
were just a desire to be something other than lovers
and it hurt... hurts, so bad
because I think I did love you
you were like a day off from work for the first time in months
a sip of orange juice in the morning
a stormy day after it hadnt rained for too long
and I needed your desire
but you did not need mine
"I'm sorry. I didnt know"
neither did I.
why can't anyone love me and want me the way I do for them?
you'd cancel on me
and that's when i knew
you didnt, and dont, love me back
and you never will.

sometimes
coming home to your family is more lonely than coming home to an empty house
it feels like you dont belong
and you realize
just how sad you've been
the cheer, the joy, the excitement of your loved ones
and the excitement of them seeing you
makes you feel even more worthless

winter is when I think of my past
i guess you could say it’s an anniversary of sorts
i drown and i feel as if my body is being crushed
continuous pain
if im drowning i can’t breathe
if im being crushed i can’t feel
but that’s the problem
is i do feel
too much in fact
repeated anxiety and repeated struggle
i am a ******* mess
why do i walk the road of emptiness and misery as if there’s not so much going for me
i want to breathe
but it’s
hard
inhale
exhale
release

i found stretch marks on my body the other day
i started slapping at them as tears ran down my face.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
but now all i can think about is what men will think of the red streaks on my hips and legs
how i wont be pretty anymore
ugly.
so effing ugly.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
they're natural, but i wouldnt have gotten them if i didnt gain a drastic amount
i cant see past them.
i weighed myself again, too.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
theres more coming
i see more everyday
i cant wear bikinis anymore
i cant have *** anymore
i want to rip off my skin.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"