In 10days this was my home
and i knew all its circuits
Then i packed up my bags
In one single moment,
didn't belong here anymore,
Took my dust with me
and said goodbye.
I came in with the sun and am leaving with it in my pocket,
The rain as my deeply felt thanks.

what does it feel like to be human
where does difference melt into companionship
how many bridges will i continue to burn,

     why do i exist
             in this small, small frame
                        when will i be enough
                                                                      as me.

so tell me, what happened to us ? how come we were so close but the bonds stay so fickle, ready to be torn apart any moment now. i love you all, and you all love you, but how come we can never quite reach the stars.

it used to be me, so insecure and packed full of doubts. afraid i was the replaceable or the replacement. and now it's you, afraid of being pushed aside so badly that you end up staying on the road by yourself. afraid of losing the food, the hand who fed you and lashing out instead, pushing the hand aside, the body dropping with it. what good is it now that it spilled everywhere, tell me ? hold the hand, embrace the body ! the stars are here for us or we were made for them but i

i don't wanna lose the circle we made. it's growing, it's changing, let it breathe. let it breathe. tell the circle you love him ! tell him ! love is offering up your whole body and heart and knowing it might be torn apart but at least you did it. you went there, you showed the strenght beneath your skin and the stars inside your eyes and the circle will grow thanks to your risk. love, is a risk. it's simple, it's raw, it's scary all at once and it makes us stronger like it always has.

love isn't the poison you spill around you, or it might be but don't let it win. save yourself, save your body and your heart, your strenght and vulnerability, save your breath, hold the hand, show yours too. tied together, we could be five or one, but the stars wouldn't burn brighter than we do.

heartbreak cannot be pinned down to one single moment in time,
it goes on and on even though one might expect it,
the thrill of the ride ending quite too soon, again,
but the road was so beautiful that
we kept on making the same mistake,
because showing love is too powerful to be scared of the shatter
because pride forbids from learning, and shouldn't we be proud of loving quite so much?
so keep the heart breaking, as long as we can bear it,
maybe it'll come back stronger.

i miss being in love

there was wildness in all the breaths i held for you
so much life in my legs when they ran to you
did you realize how many streets i crossed,
how many days i stayed,
all this food i harvested
just for you.

loving you was brighter than simply loving me.

A clean house and the knowledge
that i can see you again sometime,
that we're both happy
is all I want.

in the cities at night,
only few wander,
we took a risk then, right ?
a one time wonder,

so close to your hand,
but i didn't dare touch it,
said i'd loved you and
wasn't quite the right fit.

looking at the ground,
you admitted the secret,
took a while to be found,
shooed under your carpet

you'd loved me just the same,
and hadn't really stopped since,
couldn't stay quite so tame,
made me feel like a prince.

in this city that night,
we were the few to wander,
didn't take the risk then, right ?
but no longer we wonder.

what's the difference between you and them
they'll ask, and so will you,
what made it so special, created the sparks?

maybe it's the width of your shoulders,
how they will never yield even when they get too tired to move,
or it could've been the way you smile,
how it makes a room brighter, halfway between a child and a boy and someone with way too many wonders inside,
or it was how strongly you feel,
how brave you try to be when you reach out, when you talk,
or it's just how kind you are,
how soft you make me,
maybe it doesn't have to be explained in facts and souvenirs,
and instead it can just be.

i love you, and it's stupid how easy it is to love you,
so don't be mad at me or you or God when i tell you,
please be glad for my feelings,
because i am proud of them,
and i don't feel like hiding any part of me.

You, who has been pretty all of your life,
the world loves your skin, the crowd loves the thin
curves and contours of your soft body.

You, who is loud like a tornado,
bright as the thunder shakes the earth,
taking up space, filling it up, making it yours.

You, who knew what being coddled truly means,
asking for it then getting the sweet delivery,
the grace of a child, its want for engulfing love.

You, who looks at me just like
I named every planet in the sky on a whim,
and maybe, just maybe, I could have,

But I am just me,
I am just me.

im going crazy
everytime i feel the numbness
taking root inside my limbs
it makes me sick
it makes me dream of cars
slipping over me
im losing my **** mind
each day calculating
when ill be able to walk
if ill be able to move
when ill have the strength to shower
my body is rotten
and so am i
i want to die
i want to live brighter
i dont have the force for it
i wanna rot in peace

if you are a house,
then i am only a brick
use me to build you up, lover
i know all of your tricks

if i were a blouse, honey
you’d be the mannequin i’m laid unto
my buttons carefully caressing you
wrong fit, but i’m trying to

there is no gentle story in which both of us
can coexist lately, pretty

you are the feet and i am the shoe
you walk around with me,
but i’m just stuck with you
put me up on your dresser, so anybody can admire
the glow of my leather
if you loved me more, lover,
you’d untie me to you

when i dissociate from my thoughts, when i let the anger win

i imagine banging my head on concrete, scrapping the skin off, ripping everything

destroying my eyes on walls, clawing, stabbing my knees again and again and again

and i don’t scream no, i take it

i take it all

it feels good to destroy, at least i feel like

my body is at peace with my mind, i feel complete

i feel complete.

There is this road I take everyday,
The one taking my two feet back to their home.

Some days ago, you used to walk alongside me,
Shared the pavement, shared my hand,
Shared my bed, even.

How many times have I walked this same path,
Thinkin of you,
Wondering when I'd see you again,
How I'd ask to meet you again,
Wondering when it'd make sense again,
me and you.

I am carrying a new body now,
I've been away for a while now,
Left,
And softened my edges close to the sea.

I'll give you time,

I'll give you all the time, even.

But the road to my house is still the same,
And my mind, walking,
Still thinks about you.

there's something beautiful in the devotion of
needing someone else's skin on you so bad that you ache without it, feeling their absence like a pit inside you
and their breath next to you like a blessing come true,
the love that doesn't come from your heart but from your guts, pulling your whole body into it.
i wanna feel that kind of love,
the ugly and raw side of it,
wanna be breathless from it too.

if your chest big's enough for me
can i crawl in ?

How do you feel ?
Loveless,
How do you feel ?
Full of love.

A nobody in a sea of people,
Only existing in the eye of the beholder,

Reach for me if you dare,
Love me entirely if you dare.
I've tried before,
I've tried.

sometimes it just feels wrong, being me,
what am i again ?
my own one million dollar question
after all these roads and broken ankles,
trying to fit in, then out, then
getting stuck.

ended up sitting on the curb,
for months, waiting
maybe time will chose for me,
cause my wishes will be ripped from my hands,
any way.

i sit, and my bones are crooked
from all the stress
and its agony,
i sit, and
i wonder
tomorrow, can i even just 𝘣𝘦 ?

am i attracted to you or
the idea i have in my head that looks exactly the way you do
is it your hands i want going up my back to hold my head and kiss me like you mean it
or is it just some other hands
are they my body's desires or mine,
and are they yours too,
i wonder.

how long has it been since you've been feeling lonely
probably a few days
probably since you were born
lonely or lonesome, i read once, both are very different,
i think i can't accept to be more than one, i create
the **** curve
not where it starts, that is the hand of God or maybe simply
the hands of others
but i make it end.

i need to leave before
you touch too close to home, before you see the cracks
in the ceiling - there's many, but the paint is fresh always
i am happy, i am so happy,
i feel so crushed,
they both overlap,
i need to be hidden away in a cave like a
dead something, maybe a rabbit, he got lost on the way
and the winter took him for himself,
i am the rabbit and the winter and the cave and
i am lonesome, as all three.

my body and my hands and my body again and my hands again
and the mess above them who tells them how to act and to feel,
they come back and hunt me always
in texts and dreams
i want my body to be
loved
i crave it so bad and it will never go
away, the craving, but
i'm so afraid of it
this body
why is it so weird
to be a body ?
if you touch me, if you
rub my back when it gets sore, if your hands are a bit
too kind to my skin,
i will crumble to pieces. one piece then
just pieces, now,
not like i am broken, i amn't
yet you could unmake me,
like a dream that's been alive for too long,
and suddenly the pieces of it disappear
why do they
disappear ?
because the dream was too slow ! it was too long to settle
like this body exactly
so long in the making, in the accepting too, in the lovin'
the dream furniture
becomes lands, becomes earth, the dream people's faces
change,
my body will also
morph
but can i.. can i like this dream
can i accept the dream body, the real piece of work body,
the me inside it,
to be loved ?
i don't really get it the loving part,

i'm good at it, the loving part.
i've been in love all my life
with things and words and dreams and the changes in people's
faces that i know by heart,
the way his smile gets pointy,
the way he runs to your room when he's happy, like
a child on christmas,
like,
a boy i'm in love with.
i want a body with you
isn't that so ******* scary ?
i want the ****
showers together, i want the kind hands, i want
the laughter in my neck,
all the ****** attention
i want it

i'm so lonesome
i would take it from anybody but i won't ! i won't
i dont want to feel like a liar, taking from
others who love
but i don't, i don't love you the same,
i don't understand your feelings so i assume and i say
"they're not the same, they're not"
and i leave ! i leave before i understand
because understanding is knowing,
knowing is acting
acting is so ******* tiring
i need you to
deattach your hands so they can be sewed right on mine,
i need you to
read every **** poem i made about you,
i need me to breathe, a lot

a whole storm
breathed.
i need air. i need to be alone, not lonesome ! not lonely !
alone
i need to
let you have all my love, and let you have all my loving,
and then i'll create one all for me
a good, tough, sweet love, a nice cocktail, sparkly
and young
all for me !
drank by my own **** body, even
held by
my own **** hands, even !
wants and needs and all this work i haven't done, and all
this amour propre
i'm forgetting.

i don't love myself.
someday,
i will.

All along.
But it scares me shitless to go back
to the way i looked at you with softness in my eyes.
I walked all over myself so
You could breathe a little more
Took bites and bites out of my trust and flesh
So it all could stay palatable.
I know you wanna make it better,
I see you trying so hard but
We're both afraid of each other
And all the hurt our hands could collect
Without meaning to.
Sit down, lover,
Let's talk.

All along.
Bring you flowers and a kiss on the cheek,
Wash your dishes and steal your coats on the walk home alone,
Talk to you for hours and hours and hours in your kitchen
I doubted because,
I'm terrified of drowning you,
The bricks of my arms around your neck
Too heavy to stay afloat in all this ocean,
What if you told me to go home
without hugging me goodbye?

But i was allowed this much love
and than a little bit more and another,
and another and another
Because you loved me like this,
All along.

and in that happiness i see myself becoming
the funniest person i ever met,
this is my most caring, most daring self.
still,
i loathe the selfishness hiding behind my freedom,
i loathe my need for more,
i loathe my undying devotion to desires so unreachable they become almost laughable.
and still i am happy, i can just tell.

the rice was good i wanna die in my bed
tired of being sad and lonely
wish i were a little bun in an old oven
gettin crisp crisp crispy

oo yea

little bun
wish i were a little bun
warm me up
eat me, find me good,
i can die now
in my little bun bed
crisp

brushing my teeth, i look up at the ceiling and its spiderwebs,
look at the cracks in the walls and the ugly paint and all i can think is
i fell in love with you,
a while back,
haven't really stopped since.
i'm scared.
i'll brush my teeth some more,
think about it tomorrow.

I see your body and its changes, the way your skin had to stretch, bend a little,
There's roundness in places I didnt want to touch so bad before and
I think the beauty it holds makes my hands grow hearts too.

I find you so beautiful that the words slip out in cornerstores, in goodbye hugs,
In fingers lingering for a little too many times in the
Crooks of your elbows where your skin is softer,
In the plumpness of your sides,
In your own very pretty hands.

I wanna ask if I can keep you in my arms a little tighter, a little longer.
But the world's still a witness and I get shy under its gaze,
Forgive me for now.

purposeless missions,
                        child of wonders,
it must be remarked
                    that i will miss you.

through the cinematic glow of fishtanks,
i see this strange, drowning reflection
of a little portion of my self

in these ***** waters, rocks, pebbles,
feeling more human than any mirror has done me the honor,
a child. radiant.  a child,
brilliant,
a child.

ill be far away,
ripping through the sky,
ill meet you again
in this other life,
ill believe it then
who ive decided to be.

could you please be nice to me?
do i have to beg for your kindness,
i take up space actually, just like everyone else,
should i speak louder maybe,
yell it in every room i enter
"a person is entering! that person is me"
look into my eyes, look, closer look,
that person is me!

we are friends,
and I'm so afraid of getting into your bed again.

maybe I should've read more about love,
to understand its meaning.
maybe I should've told you from the start,
maybe I should've heard your part.

Sometimes i look at my face
and feel sick,
distorted, even.
Who is this, looking back,
should i cover it up
a little bit more,
should i hide it down ?
Gotta stop looking
at this weird parody
of me.

In the grand scheme of things, I just want to be touched
In a way that is meaningful,

I fear being witness to the ghosts who lie in the hands of others,
When they are so close to mine but not close enough yet,

In the moments where I imagine
What I could be doing
Instead of doing it.

In the small schemes of things, I just want to be taken care of in a lovely way,
Craddle me, precious,
Wash my hair,
Caress my arms and
Let us not be afraid.

"But are you writing this for a lover or a friend ?"
What's the difference, a lover. a friend.
I will love both just the same,
Can't divide something so grand into tiny parts to give out,
You'll get the whole truth of me or you won't.
I'll love like the sun warmths the earth,
Shake your core and leave you breathless,
Scare the night away and burn you with how strong I feel for you,

A lover is a friend, a friend is a lover.
That's it. Just my truth.

This journal,
Like a home,
Four years
in the womb.
I despise
What you hold
But I'm glad
You took it
from my hands.

we are in a car
she's driving and you sit in the front
we were two on this road, now we're three
she offered to drive us home and it was sweet
we said yes, laughing, happy to skip the bus part
we are in her car,
it's dark outside but the city's alight
and i feel my body shimmering too, happy,
relaxed
music and whispers and laughters a bit too loud for the night,
maybe i didn't quite know how it felt to be loved before you.

I've made a home inside for you,
left you the key, the lock and presents too,
know you already have your own heart to care about,
yet remember that mine can beat for you
if you allow it to.

i feel good here, like i would like to usurp
his life and nest in it instead,
steal his habits, crafty hands,
bask in his kindness
and feel what warmth lies
inside of his body.
what do you dream about ?
i wonder how easier it truly
would feel, as you.
the rewards with no work,
how does it truly feel ?
i know your comfort had a cost, greater
than i could ever pay,
and the rest is simply your mind,
an artist
in the flesh and bone,
and i forget myself.
i envy you,
it fuels me,
thankful.

i was ready to eat the whole word if i had to

what the **** am i supposed to do with all the stars inside me,
begging to get out and light up the whole ****** world but
i am tiny, like dust,
and burning from the inside isn't
the way i thought i'd live.

birds chirp and chirping, spilling all the forests' secrets
the roots have dried up you see,
the branches ****** em dry,
the rains kept on falling last summer, tear tracks all over the house,
tonight the fox will come out, but only if the moon shines enough to make him feel warm,
and the wind kept yelling and yelling and yelling so hard
that every single leaf fell down their tree.
birds stop meddling, keep to the sky where your feathers belong and
let your beak rest for the night, tired as it gets,
because i want to learn all the secrets myself.

the wonders of your palms and their beating hearts,
all the glory they held, all the lines they made come alive.
i was so blinded by you,
nobody else compared, it's true.

i won't ever love again like you,
I'll be better at it instead, make a home out of myself and be the first one to step in, my hands,
wonderful hands,
will create the world if they have to.