kissing you was like swerving into oncoming traffic

i can never tell if i am more haunted by empty picture frames or the ashes of their contents

you taught me that the saying "pick your battles" meant not answering when love was at the door

sometimes when i drink whiskey i swear i can hear your voice in the creases of my bedsheets & i sleep on the floor

i still catch myself running my hands over things you touched the most, looking for the echoes of your fingertips

i practice things i'll never say to you

i remember the day you told me you didn't like poetry, how "everything's already been said" & how "nothing meaningful can be captured without being cliche" you know, i don't miss you like the sun and moon, i do not miss you like tide bent waves crashing on the shoreline, i miss you like a chernobyl  swingset misses children

rumor has it that drowning is a lot like coming home, that drinking bleach can **** the butterflies in your stomach

for your love of cigarettes, i would have been an ashtray

this halloween i want to dress up as the you when you loved yourself and show up on your doorstep

i never understood what you meant when you said i was an instrument, back when you would cup your hands around my chest and breathe through the holes in my heart, i still wonder if the sounds i made remind you of wind chimes

i never paid much attention to abandoned buildings until i became one

in my dreams all the flowers smell like your perfume

i am the only person who has ever wished for the same snowflake to fall twice

if i could go back, and rewrite the definition of audacity, it would be how when we lost the bet of love, you said "we never shook on it"

i love you, if the feeling is not mutual, please pretend this was a poem

the only apology i want from you, is to have you repeat the names of children we will never have in your parents living room until they *****

we are the same person if you find yourself up at 4am dry heaving promises, or if you are kept awake by the laughter of those who've abandoned you

nobody ever told you that goodbyes taste like the back of stamps

sometimes i'm convinced that the only reason we hug, is so you can check my back for exit wounds

I really enjoyed having an excuse

to talk

to you

To the teddy that always guards my dreams:
You quietly sit there,
not a word to be said,
In my room you preside,
your ears always listening,
you never whine, or complain,
judgements don't fall very easily,
from your stitched mouth,
I cry and complain a lot,
most of what you hear is sad,
I'm sorry for giving you,
only frightening memories,
My tears sometimes,
drain down my red face,
to be absorbed into your fur,
Only you know my heart,
and understand my every motion,
whether I tell you my hopes and dreams,
or not,
you already know them,
I hug you often,
you being my closest friend,
none understand me,
but you were the first.
You keep all my secrets locked up,
inside your round self,
my protector and guardian,
Even though it's hard for you to give me advice,
I still treasure every moment you give to me,
my precious little bedside knight.

misty eyes
shallow goodbyes
numb feelings
quiet shielding

you're the king
of apathy

I could keep writing you poems you'll never read

Or I could put my pen down and bandage my own heart

Either way, I would still lose because I wouldn't have you